He wants me to get thin

[peacefullake05]

I have a relationship with this guy. He is quite overweight himself but wants me to get slim or he won't marry or have kids with me. Apparently because an "obese" woman won't have a healthy kid. I am not that huge. I am 5'7'' and around 250 pounds.
I have been wanting to tell him how comes nature prevents an underweight woman from conceiving a child by not making her have a period, but an obese woman happily keeps having periods? I honestly think he has a deep hatred for fat and he kind of takes out his frustration on me. He gets annoyed if I try to say that I am fat but healthy. I know for a fact as my blood tests came back perfect more than once. He says I am fat so I can't be healthy. He says fat women want hunky guys but anyway, he is not that different. He wants a hot, slim girl just as much. Mind you, my ex was overweight, so not like I am a shallow fatty.

I've been dieting for a few months and lost around 40 pounds, but still have more to lose. He had started a diet but quit out of frustration after around a month I think. He has said he has gained a ton back. I've never pressured him into losing weight. Always told him he looks handsome to me, even if he's not slim. Can't say the same about him.
He told me a few times I'm pretty but always points out I need to lose a ton of weight and even went as far as telling me that if we got married and I didn't lose the weight, he'd divorce me. He says he won't have kids me because if I had them at my current size, I would just balloon up and he wouldn't be happy.
The thing is he knew I wasn't slim from the start but came out with his views about weight quite a while into the relationship and I felt kind of misled. I have wanted to lose weight for myself, but at the same time I want someone to accept me how I am. I don't want someone who will love me as long as I don't put on some weight. That's not how I perceive love. Also, I could accept all this hassling me about weight if he was in shape, but he's not.
He keeps telling me he doesn't think I will lose it all and this upsets him. Well, as far as I know I am not the one who quiet the diet and got even fatter. I am slimmer than I was a few months ago. I didn't lose as much as I should have, but still.

Am I right in feeling like he's being a right jerk about this?

Btw if you are holding onto him for fear of not finding anyone else, don't worry.

You're clearly a very nice person that you don't tell him like it is.

Furthermore 60% of UK men are overweight or obese, so I've no doubt you will find someone nice who can accept you whatever your size, and may not be a beanpole themselves.

Just re-reading my post above, I'd like to emphasise that I don't believe not having had previous lovers makes anyone a "better" person, just in case anyone read it like that! That these men do is in itself a red flag. I used to say to XH that if I had slept with anyone before him I wouldn't lie about it because it would be nothing to be ashamed of; I was only denying it because it wasn't true. (Like my alleged Jewishness. Oh, what an interesting bundle of hang-ups that man did have.)

You're not going to find the right combination of words to make him suddenly see sense. He's not being this way by accident or because he doesn't know the facts.

He's not telling you you're fat out of concern, he's telling you to hurt you.

He doesn't care about you being overweight at all, he hates you and all women and wants to make you feel like shit. Your weight is his tool to do this today, when you get slim it'll be something else.

You say you value personality over looks, yet his personality makes him repulsive.

Ye gods woman, don?t waste another minute of your marvellous life with this jerk - a man with really significant issues. Yes you might feel sad you?ve wasted 10+ months but better 10 months than 20 months or 30 months. Time to cut your losses and move onwards and upwards.

It certainly isn?t worth hanging around with him, letting him continue to batter your self esteem into negative territory whilst you seek to lose more weight which realistically will take a long period of time ? dump his sorry ass now. And anyway, how easy do you think losing weight will be with Mr Hypocrite standing over your shoulder ? are you likely to feel happy, fulfilled and in a good place? No, you?ll feel like crap and as you know you?re an emotional eater you?re likely to turn to the snacks.

OP for the love of god, leave him, then lose weight. THEN go into his place of work or whatever looking fucking fabulous and when he says "you look great" (actually he will probably turn it into a neg such as "oh i see you finally managed to lose weight, pity you're flat chested now") you can say "Yes, my advantage of course is that weight is always able to be lost, whereas you'll always be a cunt."

Please do not sit there thinking about losing weight and then dumping, it's just an excuse you're making to yourself not to leave.

Once you've kicked this fool into touch, you'll be in a much healthier position emotionally and mentally to concentrate on losing weight in a sustainable way. I'd really recommend looking for a therapist who has experience in self-esteem issues and with eating disorders (because from what you say you have binge eating disorder), who can work with you on changing your attitude to the way you use food.

Please realise one thing: this man targeted you on purpose. He laid his plans, he tested the waters to make sure you were insecure enough about your weight for him to be able to abuse you. Then he let you have the full on package of fat-shaming, misogynist rubbish, when he thought you were too fully hooked in to leave. PROVE HIM WRONG.

OP, when people have pointed out that you are falling for the sunk costs fallacy, you have agreed and admitted that that is what is keeping you in this 'relationship'. However, you are not a helpless thrall to sunk costs. One of the articles someone linked to above points out:

The most important step to freeing yourself from making poor decisions based on sunk costs is to recognize the logical fallacy. Simply being aware of it will help you tremendously in making more rational decisions in the future.

Basically, now you know that the only thing keeping you with this loser is your concern about sunk costs, there is nothing keeping you with him . You're not married; you don't live with him; you have no children; he is an abusive shit.

LTB

wants me to get slim or he won't marry or have kids with me

There is very little else to consider.

Tell him to find someone else and you do the same to someone who values you the way you are, regardless of weight.

Oh, and btw, when I was an underweight size 4 (US size 0), I had the most regular periods of my life. I gained weight and at size 14, 12 stone and BMI about 27, my periods went weird and I think I stopped ovulating (but returned to normal when I lost weight), so I think you should stop using this as an argument on factual grounds as well as because it is fucking irrelevant to your so-called partner being an abusive, misogynistic shit.

I guess with your username there's not much point in responding

Well aren't you a delight.

Did you know many weightlifters are classified as obese? I'm not suggesting the OP is a weightlifter, however BMI doesn't know the difference between visceral fat and brown fat, nor can it differentiate between muscle mass, bone density and fat. It was never meant to be a gauge of health and was originally created by a mathematician.

Better gauges of health are body mass analysis's, fitness tests and blood tests.

At the end of the day coming on a thread about a woman who is being emotionally and verbally abused by her boyfriend and telling her she really needs to lose weight is at best concern trolling that the OP can overlook since she's already trying to lose weight, or at worse, just plain trolling to make the OP feel horrid about herself.

Have you read the studies that say that shaming and concern trolling don't encourage people to lose weight? Quite the opposite? In fact, you're doing the EXACT SAME THING her boyfriend is doing. It's you who should be ashamed.

As for smokers or heroin addicts, I would never dream of telling them to go cold turkey or quit over night, nor would I tell them to just stop their addiction (because that's physically impossible), or quit without looking at the emotional issues that drove them to be addicts in the first place (because normal, healthy, well adjusted people become heroin addicts all the time :P) . However people seem to think you can tell that to people who are overweight, without telling them to address the reasons they began unhealthy habits in the first place.

Op is in an unhealthy, emotionally abusive relationship, probably for the same self-esteem reasons that let her fall into unhealthy eating or exercise habits in the first place, a diet isn't going to fix any of the underlying issues.

I'm suspecting that the OP is not a weightlifter.

Hence why I said I'm not suggesting the OP is a weightlifter
However OP did say she bikes, and that most of her weight is in her bum and thighs, not her stomach. The most dangerous fat is visceral fat around the organs, THAT is the fat that leads to most health problems. If most of her fat isn't in her stomach, then she may well be perfectly healthy which would explain why she says most people thinks she looks 20 kilos lighter then she is, and why she feels healthy and is able to walk and bike with no problems.

'He did say I am pretty'.

Well isn't he just an abundance of benevolence?

op, he sounds awful. Please part ways before he has the opportunity to drag you down even further, you will be amazed at how much happier you feel when you don't have to listen to this shit every day.

I was actually saying to stop yelling at the OP, since its her weight you're so concerned about. Shaming her, and suggesting her friends are lying to her, and presuming you know fuck all about her health when all you know is what her scales say isn't helping her either. The only person with an agenda here seems to be you.

And please report me.

I don't want him to tell me I am fine how I am. As it happens, I want to get slim with or without him. I don't feel comfortable being very overweight.

My fat is mainly on the classical places where most female tend to put on fat: hips, thighs and bum. I wear a size 16/18 on top but bigger size trousers. I am kind of pear-shaped.

Ah and he pointed out I have a pancake bum as well. I have never had a complex about my bum but now I see round ones and feel envious because apparently my bum is not round. He drools over round arses but tells me a flat one is fine too as if I should feel better after he pointed it out to me that my bum is not round.

His ways are very wrong. First because this guy is obese himself, so should look at himself in the mirror before telling me I need to lose weight if I want to have the privilege of bearing his kids and marry him. It's all about what he wants. I need to lose weight for myself, not because otherwise the poor little thing won't be physically attracted to me and that will make him sad. Yesterday, during our argument, he told me that he doesn't want to find himself in the position of being with me, happy with me in all aspects apart from finding me physically attractive. He ended up telling me I am not ugly though. Wow, result (being sarcastic).

I am so angry for letting him do this to me. I have been nothing but super nice to him and supportive. I feel such an idiot now. I don't get anything from him but misery.

He is 35, hasn't worked in years and lives at home with his parents. There, I said it. He is a virgin still as well. Spends his days on 4chan, playing FIFA and moaning that he is a bum and women are wh*res, but he likes to look at them when it comes to twiddling his "friend".

He's a virgin? Seriously?

I could make a world of psychological diagnoses off that and all the info you've given (disclaimer: not a psychologist) but none of it matters. Run. AWAY.

Yes, he is. We haven't had sex yet. We live a bit far from each other as well and he first wanted me to get tested for STDs because he didn't want to use a condom and then came out with the weight thing and so it hasn't happened yet. He's always justifying his looking at other women or using live webcams with the old argument that men like attractive women and it's nature etc.

You've said a lot about how this guy mistreats you and how you don't like a lot of things about him. What are you going to do about it? Are you going to leave him?

Yup, I am certainly not gonna marry him. I can see he is a right c*nt. I am just venting now but I'd really like to get back at him. I know that's wrong but that's how the anger makes me feel.

well he sure sounds like a real catch. I can see why you want to try and make this work :|