He wants me to get thin

[peacefullake05]

I have a relationship with this guy. He is quite overweight himself but wants me to get slim or he won't marry or have kids with me. Apparently because an "obese" woman won't have a healthy kid. I am not that huge. I am 5'7'' and around 250 pounds.
I have been wanting to tell him how comes nature prevents an underweight woman from conceiving a child by not making her have a period, but an obese woman happily keeps having periods? I honestly think he has a deep hatred for fat and he kind of takes out his frustration on me. He gets annoyed if I try to say that I am fat but healthy. I know for a fact as my blood tests came back perfect more than once. He says I am fat so I can't be healthy. He says fat women want hunky guys but anyway, he is not that different. He wants a hot, slim girl just as much. Mind you, my ex was overweight, so not like I am a shallow fatty.

I've been dieting for a few months and lost around 40 pounds, but still have more to lose. He had started a diet but quit out of frustration after around a month I think. He has said he has gained a ton back. I've never pressured him into losing weight. Always told him he looks handsome to me, even if he's not slim. Can't say the same about him.
He told me a few times I'm pretty but always points out I need to lose a ton of weight and even went as far as telling me that if we got married and I didn't lose the weight, he'd divorce me. He says he won't have kids me because if I had them at my current size, I would just balloon up and he wouldn't be happy.
The thing is he knew I wasn't slim from the start but came out with his views about weight quite a while into the relationship and I felt kind of misled. I have wanted to lose weight for myself, but at the same time I want someone to accept me how I am. I don't want someone who will love me as long as I don't put on some weight. That's not how I perceive love. Also, I could accept all this hassling me about weight if he was in shape, but he's not.
He keeps telling me he doesn't think I will lose it all and this upsets him. Well, as far as I know I am not the one who quiet the diet and got even fatter. I am slimmer than I was a few months ago. I didn't lose as much as I should have, but still.

Am I right in feeling like he's being a right jerk about this?

Im sorry if ive upset you Cactus I didnt mean to I lost the ten stone in the runup to my 30th birthday and kept most of it off apart from the 4 stone regain which ive lost over the last two years. Im now 42

I think social gatherings seem to revolve more around food than ever before.....say ten or twenty years ago.

The weight loss should be for me and not so that he can find me hot.

I agree that obesity is not good but being obese is not the worst thing a person can be either. Some people, not referring to anyone on this thread, seems to think it's a crime.
Lots of men moan about women wanting only attractive guys but the fat guys who want a girl with a hot body are plenty. Yeah, a fat woman will always, more or less, find some guy who wants her despite the weight but that's not because men are less shallow. They just get really desperate for sex so they lower their standards a lot

I think your self esteem is somewhere on the floor, isn't it, OP. :(

I'm a wee bit chubby (BMI 26, but I don't carry it well) and have saggy, heavily stretchmarked skin and a body full of clicky, sometimes painful joints. DH still finds me hot, though and it's nothing to do with low standards. In his 40s, he's a slim(ish) attractive, intelligent, solvent guy.

Yes it is, but what I said wasn't to say a fat woman is worth less than a slim one. It was an attack on men who moan about women being shallow, when most of them are too and if they sleep with a woman with a fat body it's only because they are making do in order to get some (in their opinion). Obviously I find this view disgusting.

Have you dumped him yet Peaceful?

Can I just say - if you ever hear a man referring to a woman as a whore, (unless she's actually selling sex for cash) - run a mile. All the body stuff to one side, you just can't win with that attitude.

What are you going to be if you sleep with him? It's OK to be a whore if you're his whore? There's just a whole world of fucked-up waiting for you there. Just... no.

Dump and block. Dump and block. Dump and block. Please!

Your weight is not the issue here, don't even worry about your weight. The fact that you have one of the shittiest boyfriends possible is your issue, and you need to rectify that ASAP. Don't threaten him, don't even verbally abuse him, don't get into an exit interview situation about his many flaws. Just tell him he's dumped, because you deserve better. Then block him before he can respond and drag you into a fight. Done. All you've really lost on this loser is time. Don't waste any more of it.

Have you ended it yet ?

Be prepared that when you dump him he'll be really cruel.
It'll be tempting to want to tell him how much of a loser he is but keep your dignity, end it by text/email and block him.

Imagine losing 280lbs stress and dickishness in a few minutes!

Do it! Do it! Do it!

Have you not dumped the prick yet?

Ive lost ten stone and i feel better and more self confident as a result but im intelligent enough to realise why that is.......its because society values women for their looks before anything else.

I've gained 4.4 stone (was actually 6 stone, but I lost 2 after my son), after years of anorexia, starving myself, exercising to the point of exhaustion and physically hurting myself (3/4 hours a day of intense exercise). I was constantly sick, constantly in pain, always hungry, but all I ever got was compliments. Because I was a size 4 (or less). At my absolute thinnest, when I actually attempted suicide, couldn't barely focus enough to keep my minimum wage part time job and was failing classes at Uni I was being told by my mother, my boyfriend (who used to kick me and toss me around), etc, that I was the hottest I'd ever been. Funny enough, despite being less then a size 4, my BMI still said I was on the lower end of healthy.

My BMI is almost 30 at the moment (I AM a weightlifter and I have a lot of muscle and my body fat composition rates me as athletic before people start jumping on the bullshit BMI bandwagon), and I feel the best I have in my entire life. I got sick last week (DS brought home a nasty bug from school) that was the first time I'd had so much as a sniffle in over a year. I can run farther, I can walk up flights of stairs without getting winded, and I can lift my 20 kilo DS over my head like he's a feather. I'm no longer suicidal, I'm actually two classes away from getting my Master's Degree in Mass Communication and I've a Senior Manager in my job, earning a pretty decent salary. I never get random compliments anymore (except from DH who maintains I'm beautiful and sexy no matter what), and my mother only tells me how beautiful I used to be.

I don't care. I feel good, I feel strong, and I love what I see in the mirror. It took a lot of acceptance of myself and my body and loving what I see in the mirror regardless to do this. It took ACCEPTANCE and realism and throwing away society's ideas of what healthy is and what a healthy weight is. So sorry, can't condone concern trolling. Every body is different and every body should love themselves regardless of what the scales or silly people on the internet say.

Helena, you asked how my friend is. She ended up with depression and mental health issues, she got referred to a psychiatrist after a hospital admission.

She finally split up with him, but is still not 100 percent well. She struggled for years making decisions, what colour to dye her hair, what clothes to wear as he chose everything for her.

She is going to start divorce proceedings, but is a bag of nerves over it.

He is now with someone else, no doubt telling her his ex is a psycho, I hope the new girlfriend is okay.

It's not uncommon, op.

I'm a size 14/16 and I've had to end my past 2 relationships (when i was 12/14) because the 40something man I was with thought he was entitled to a hot young thing! Said all the right things and seemed genuinely attracted to my personality. And probably was. But wanted it in better packaging. I was with one for nearly a year and the next for 5 months.

It's not a waste of time to realise they're not right and dump. It is a waste of time to stick with them.

Kick him to the kerb. Seriously OP, all you've written is unbelievable. He sounds just terrible and not someone you want to be with.

This is your life. Leave him, do it now, start a new life for you and your future. Be fat, be slim, be anything you want but don't let this piece of crap be involved in any way.

Just wondering, and I'm going back a few pages, but where did you read a study showing slim woman gain more weight in pregnancy than overweight woman? Interested to read that please.

Cactus Annie I can compare my situation quite easily. I hated my body, and myself, I starved it and put myself in a bad relationship. It took loving what I see, and who I am to make me feel good enough to start making healthy choices, not just food and exercise wise, but relationship wise. The OP is edging on morbidly obese and in a bad relationship. I don't want to put words in her mouth, but I think we've probably got a lot of the same self esteem issues, we're just handling it differently. I wasn't any healthier then her when I was at my worst (in fact I was probably unhealthier due to always being sick and having to get physio for a torn ligament in my knee).

The OP needs to learn to love herself, for herself, or she's always going to self sabotage because her self esteem is going to come back and bite her in the ass every time. She shouldn't lose weight because her asshole boyfriend tells her to, she shouldn't lose weight because of your badgering, she should lose weight because she wants to.

If someone had told me I was beautiful just the way I am, inside and out, when I was a kid, I probably could have avoided a lot sickness and heartache.

Did you dump him yet? I do hope so. You need to find someone who respects you.

Yeah, a fat woman will always, more or less, find some guy who wants her despite the weight but that's not because men are less shallow. They just get really desperate for sex so they lower their standards a lot

I am struggling with your writing style to know whether this is sarcastic or whether you really think this is the case. I hope you don't hold to the idea that men only seek relationships with larger women because they are desperate for sex. Apart from other obvious problems with this line of thinking it also does men a disservice and reduces them all to the lowest common denominator.

The weight debates might be distracting the OP from her main issue, which is that she really needs to get rid of her boyfriend.

Is he your ex-boyfriend yet, OP?

I agree Corbyns

Yes, OP, please say you've gotten rid of the douche?

For the love of God, dump him and hurry up about it.

Next relationship stop trying so hard to be nice, nice only gets you treated like a doormat. If someone treats you like shit the appropriate respond is 'fuck off' not a meek 'ok so'.

A propos of weight gain, a report/study by Dame Carol Black (she of several Govt. fitness for work reports) into continuation of benefits for obese or substance addicted people is due towards the end of this year, and will hopefully present an evidence base for incentivising healthier lifestyles. Black has recently said that she does not believe that chastisement or threats work in the case of obesity, and IME she's right, so it will be very interesting to see what the reports comes up with.

I hope BF gets a hot, slim girl if he wants one, but whatever weight you are, OP, let it not be you, because he's a tosser.