He wants me to get thin

[peacefullake05]

I have a relationship with this guy. He is quite overweight himself but wants me to get slim or he won't marry or have kids with me. Apparently because an "obese" woman won't have a healthy kid. I am not that huge. I am 5'7'' and around 250 pounds.
I have been wanting to tell him how comes nature prevents an underweight woman from conceiving a child by not making her have a period, but an obese woman happily keeps having periods? I honestly think he has a deep hatred for fat and he kind of takes out his frustration on me. He gets annoyed if I try to say that I am fat but healthy. I know for a fact as my blood tests came back perfect more than once. He says I am fat so I can't be healthy. He says fat women want hunky guys but anyway, he is not that different. He wants a hot, slim girl just as much. Mind you, my ex was overweight, so not like I am a shallow fatty.

I've been dieting for a few months and lost around 40 pounds, but still have more to lose. He had started a diet but quit out of frustration after around a month I think. He has said he has gained a ton back. I've never pressured him into losing weight. Always told him he looks handsome to me, even if he's not slim. Can't say the same about him.
He told me a few times I'm pretty but always points out I need to lose a ton of weight and even went as far as telling me that if we got married and I didn't lose the weight, he'd divorce me. He says he won't have kids me because if I had them at my current size, I would just balloon up and he wouldn't be happy.
The thing is he knew I wasn't slim from the start but came out with his views about weight quite a while into the relationship and I felt kind of misled. I have wanted to lose weight for myself, but at the same time I want someone to accept me how I am. I don't want someone who will love me as long as I don't put on some weight. That's not how I perceive love. Also, I could accept all this hassling me about weight if he was in shape, but he's not.
He keeps telling me he doesn't think I will lose it all and this upsets him. Well, as far as I know I am not the one who quiet the diet and got even fatter. I am slimmer than I was a few months ago. I didn't lose as much as I should have, but still.

Am I right in feeling like he's being a right jerk about this?

He's a fuckwit. You serve better so please don't have children with a twat like this one. Hypocrisy is not a good character trait.

However: By saying you're "not that fat" you are minimising the fact that you are, in fact, very fat (in contrast - I am 5'10" and closing in on 180lbs, and I really am looking chubby at the moment). And yes, that extra 'can' affect a pregnancy negatively.

Too fat and too thin is all bad, and being comfortable in your own skin and living healthily is more important that being the perfect skinny girl.

So really there are two issues. One is your weight, which I get from your posts you know but don't quite fully understand the impact it can have on your life (correct me if my assumption is wrong). The other is that you have an unsupportive arse for a partner and I would dump him, saying you'll be losing weight and finding a non-hypocritical man to build a life with as you cannot imagine him to be good father material.

The best way to get back at him is to move on with your life and be successful without him.

He is 35, hasn't worked in years and lives at home with his parents.

I have been reading this thread becoming increasingly angry on your behalf and thinking to myself, "I bet this fucker doesn't even have a job" and I was right. I knew it. He sounds deeply fucked up, confused, insecure, angry, full of self-loathing, unfulfilled, I could go on.

Has it hit home yet that this man is never going to be good for you and you urgently need to dump him? I really do hope so because you do deserve so much more than this. 10 months is nothing, god forbid you should pursue this relationship and have children with him, given how cruelly he is treating you after such a short space of time can you imagine the kind of warped parent he would be.

Please, please, please, dump him. Just say it's over, no need to justify or explain. Say it isn't working and walk away.

The best way to get back at him is to dump him and cut him out of your life. Anything you do to try to prove him wrong is playing his game. 'Losing weight and 'showing what he is missing' would show that:
a) you (to some degree) agree that he is right to value someone more if they are thin and conventionally attractive; and
b) you are still thinking of him.

Show him wrong he is and how little you care. Dump, delete, block.

Get rid of 280lb of genuinely useless fat.

The best way of getting back at him is to walk away, head held high, dignity intact and never look back. his interests tell you everything you need to know.

And there's nothing wrong with being a virgin in your 30s, but with some people, there's bloody obvious reasons why which have nothing to do with saving themselves for the right person and everything to do with being odious twats.

I know... I am not the one going on about having kids at all costs. If I wanted them, I'd wait when I feel better about my body etc. it's him that wants me slim quick to have kids asap since he feels he's getting too old. And then he goes on about me being old and that is risky for a pregnancy.
He even told me to go and have high risk babies with my ex yesterday.

He's got like an obsession with controlling every aspect of things I am starting to think. Things can still go wrong, no matter how perfect the parents are. He's got a right cheek when he's a tank himself, with skin issues and all that that he could pass on to his offspring. I don't have a problem with getting pregnant when I am in better shape. I know obesity cause health problems in the long run. At the moment, this very moment in time, I am not suffering from any health issues, unlike Mr Perfection who is plagued with skin problems.

Say you get lovely and thin.

Then what? You cant regrow your hymen. You'll have a lifetime of this woman-hating man judge you and call you names you don't deserve. He will hate you for having sex - even with him.

You sound kind. He is such an unkind, unpleasant man. Do you want him making nasty remarks to you about your appearance when you are in your wedding dress, looking gorgeous? When you are pregnant and glowing? When you are post-partum and like the rest of us, wont even care what you look like. Don't do that to such a kind person that you are.

For what it's worth, I met my DH at 29. We had our first pregnancy when I was 36, I'm now 40 and we are still trying for another baby. He's not a doctor, and his views on women's health issues are as dodgy as his views on women.

If your future daughter was being treated this way by her boyfriend after only 10 months and before it had even gotten intimate, what would you say to her?

He's got like an obsession with controlling every aspect of things I am starting to think.

Very good ... he's controlling, abusive, irrational ... now ditch him.

I'd tell her to dump this piece of shit.
Yes, I tend to be too nice and I know that is a weakness. Well, my mum had me at 36 too and she had my sister 2 years later. She was very slim and we both turned out to be healthy kids. He himself was born when his mum was 30+.
Not saying that there are no higher risks, but he talks like if I got pregnant now, I am doomed to have unhealthy kids etc. I repeat that it's him going on about kids etc. I want them but I can wait when I am in the best shape to bear them.
He also attacked once women who moan about men preferring younger women. He said why should men like beat up p*ssy. Women nowadays tend to have children later. They don't think about having kids at 20 as virgins.
It's not realistic of him to hope that a hot 20-year-old and virgin wants to settle down with a bum like him. He doesn't live in the real world and I've come to realize that more and more. I think that 4chan has had a very bad influence on how he views things. it's full of women taking nude pics of themselves and porn and all kinds of nasty stuff.

Wait, you've been together almost a year but haven't had sex yet? And you're worried about walking away from a relationship you've invested a lot in?

Please, PLEASE, run away from this creep as fast as you can.

I'm not sure I could respect a man who formed his opinions based on the bile he read on 4chan.

So....

1. 'Relationship' is only 10 months old
2. You don't live with him
3. You haven't even had sex yet
4. You don't like the guy
5. You don't think he's attractive

Why are you still in this car crash relationship?

A virgin at 35 and he watches porn to get himself off.
OMG, can you imagine what sex with him would be like?
Just nooooo.......
The more you write the more you know you need out of this.
Don't try to get back at him.
He really doesn't need any of it.
He's a cock, with all sorts of issues, including misogyny.
Leave him to fester all on his own.
That will be punishment enough.

This is unbelievable.

He's a sad bastard who needs you waaaaaay more than you need him.

How did he even get it together to get off his fat arse and entrap meet you

I'm not sure I could respect a man who formed his opinions based on the bile he read on 4chan.

^ This!

I like him even if he's fat. He has a cute face and I don't even see body imperfections when I am taken with someone.

As I said before, he kind of misled me at the beginning. Hiding his views on virginity and weight. He knew I was fat and "used" from the start but chose to continue being involved with me.

He thinks he knows because he is a man. Women are just there to please men. Preferably young and virgins, with hot bodies. I bet that's how he views them

You're not used FFS!! That's his horrible way of talking/thinking there, and you're repeating it.

You're probably right in your assessment but it does not matter. HE does not matter. Delete and ignore.

So why haven't you got rid of him? You know he has these appalling views. What is stopping you?

He's a cunt.

Whatever do you see in him that you think he's a nice person?

Dump him immediately, then get some therapy to work out why you are giving this twatbadger any headspace and help you get your self esteem out the toilet.

So OP, have you dumped him yet??

No time like the present.

I can see no valid reason as to you even talk to him. You are not in a relationship. You are in some weird fucked up dynamic where he thinks it is ok to insult you and call women whores. I can't even compute why you ever started speaking to such a person. I can only think your own self esteem is trashed. Stop telling him overweight or older women can have healthy babies and start working out why you think this is all you deserve.

You are obsessing over him whilst neglecting the most important person here, and that is yourself.

Why haven't you dumped the guy yet?

He knew I was fat and "used" from the start but chose to continue being involved with me.

Of course he did, not because "he's nice deep down" but because he gets pleasure from using these things as a stick to beat you with. This is what an abusive relationship looks like.

my last post reads wrong, it sounds like I am saying of course he knew you were "fat" and "used" ... I hope it is clear that is not what I meant.