He wants me to get thin

[peacefullake05]

I have a relationship with this guy. He is quite overweight himself but wants me to get slim or he won't marry or have kids with me. Apparently because an "obese" woman won't have a healthy kid. I am not that huge. I am 5'7'' and around 250 pounds.
I have been wanting to tell him how comes nature prevents an underweight woman from conceiving a child by not making her have a period, but an obese woman happily keeps having periods? I honestly think he has a deep hatred for fat and he kind of takes out his frustration on me. He gets annoyed if I try to say that I am fat but healthy. I know for a fact as my blood tests came back perfect more than once. He says I am fat so I can't be healthy. He says fat women want hunky guys but anyway, he is not that different. He wants a hot, slim girl just as much. Mind you, my ex was overweight, so not like I am a shallow fatty.

I've been dieting for a few months and lost around 40 pounds, but still have more to lose. He had started a diet but quit out of frustration after around a month I think. He has said he has gained a ton back. I've never pressured him into losing weight. Always told him he looks handsome to me, even if he's not slim. Can't say the same about him.
He told me a few times I'm pretty but always points out I need to lose a ton of weight and even went as far as telling me that if we got married and I didn't lose the weight, he'd divorce me. He says he won't have kids me because if I had them at my current size, I would just balloon up and he wouldn't be happy.
The thing is he knew I wasn't slim from the start but came out with his views about weight quite a while into the relationship and I felt kind of misled. I have wanted to lose weight for myself, but at the same time I want someone to accept me how I am. I don't want someone who will love me as long as I don't put on some weight. That's not how I perceive love. Also, I could accept all this hassling me about weight if he was in shape, but he's not.
He keeps telling me he doesn't think I will lose it all and this upsets him. Well, as far as I know I am not the one who quiet the diet and got even fatter. I am slimmer than I was a few months ago. I didn't lose as much as I should have, but still.

Am I right in feeling like he's being a right jerk about this?

Whether you're big or not OP, he sounds like a complete tool. You can do better, you are worth more.

It IS concern trolling. And its easy to prove.

e.g. When its to do with weight threads quickly fill up with comments about how much obesity costs the NHS.

If it was REALLY about that though it would be the case that when other threads surface about things like poor housing which also costs the NHS those threads would fill up with faux concern just as quickly.

But tellingly they dont!

I was in a relationship just like this, the person I was with would have done anything to make me loose weight.

I started losing weight because I felt "too big" after months of having the seed planted in my head (I'm 6ft and was never overweight) this person I thought I loved, kept picking and picking and I thought it was my choice for a while (i was in a high powered job earning the money and keeping this "man" I ended up at 8st, taking laxative tablets, and feeling incredibly guilty if I ate a chip. When I said enough on the weight loosing, and started to eat an put on a stone (taking me to still underweight) he asked me to marry him in the hope id lose weight before our wedding.

I finally got out after 14 years of punishment for being "fat" he made me feel an ugly unattractive person which I am not!

Get your trainers on and RUN!!! Run run run don't loose your life like I lost mine.

It's tough but very very worth it - I am now with a very loving man who loves my curves! I put on a stone and have now being lossoing weight recently and that truly has been for me, and trust me if it was for you - you would not be posting on here

my OH who knows my past has been worried about me loosing weight to the extreme and gone to great lengths to support me not push me and there is a very big difference

Run lady run

Believe me, if I had wanted to be nasty, I would have said a lot worse. I would know what to say to hit home and make him feel shit. I actually never retaliate as I am that nice. I had to force myself to be a little nasty in return.

I don't have an eating disorder. I have been on a diet for a few months and lost around 40lbs so far. I fail to see how that is not recognizing that I need to lose weight and not accepting that I am big. Not like I am happily stuffing my face with all kinds of crap and moaning that my boyfriend says I am fat.

When it sounds like I am attacking slim women is just self-defense. I don't actually loathe them or go out of my way to make them feel bad. Not at all. It's what he drives me to do during the arguments. It is wrong of me, I know.

At the moment I hate him because he has brought my self-esteem down to 0. I will see how to get rid of this idiot. My plan actually would be to get nice and slim and then ditch him. Just so he can be fully aware of what he has destroyed with his crappy attitude. Not sure I can put up with this level of nastiness for long enough though and also it's not healthy for me to keep such a jerk in my life for any longer.

I couldn't believe my ears hearing his comments earlier. I actually told him he was treating me like a dog, judged according to how I can breed. He also said I can think he is shallow and he doesn't care at this stage.

Your venting because your being treated badly. To be fair I've not read all the comments but yours say "I'm being treated badly, I'm trying to get the courage to fight back."

The fact you say he has brought your self esteem down to 0 says it all - this is not a good relationship for you

I didn't have an eating disorder when I started loosing weight, I did at the end after years of pressure - I woke up one (after meeting a wonderful lady through my work) and realised that I was an idiot for putting up with a person like that in my life - it took me two years to leave after promise after promise

Making a life shouldn't be based on how you look. What made me leave in the end is that he said I could have a baby (we hadn't had sex in five years) if I promised to loose weight afterwards and then be slim

Don't loose weight to get back at him - he won't care.

Leave, get healthy for you, find someone (because you will) and be happy - because this relationship I don't think is making you happy

This is certainly not the way to bring a child into the world

Be strong OP!

Dump his arse now!

It's not about your weight, lack of virginity its about his insecurities! Which he's projecting onto you.

Carry on losing weight if you wish for your own reasons (well done on losing 40lb by the way) but do not for one second think that this has anything to do with if you deserve love, marriage and children or anything else!

There are loads of women who are happily married mum's in good careers if they wish regardless of their weight!

I have 3 male friends who actually prefer curvier ladies and they all have children too.

I've been skinny and fat and in between at various stages. What's actually made the difference in my attractiveness to men is my confidence.

I met my ex I was a size 6, I'm 5'3". After dd I was a size 14, even when i dropped to a 10/12 in the year after having her he'd dig at me. So I tried to lose more weight but when I did I got ill more often probably because I was malnourished! He traded me in for a younger model (literally we could be related!) She was also a size 6 she's I think 5'5" ish. She lost the weight straight after baby 1 but when she had dc 2 she went up to around 12/14 and he started niggling at her so much she went to ww! BTW my ex is 42, balding greying and with a pot belly himself! And no oil painting! Arse!

Dd has noticed when visiting that their kids worry about getting fat! Ridiculous!

Definitely bin this twat asap! I'm an old fart trust me at 29 10 months is nothing! Dump him you'll meet someone lovely and wonder what on earth possessed you to be with this guy!

Well said Bacon!

Ditch him. But also ditch the weight prior to having a baby, I had bmi 30, and ended up having gtt tests as borderline also carrying a baby along with that weight puts pressure on body. Am slimming down for next pregnancy to avoid further issues next time

Why are you even talking to him after his last words to you? Don't you like yourself? It's not worth it. And this idea of staying with him until you are slimmer then dumping him is insane.

That doesn't make sense when you are worried about sunk costs and then consider another year or so solely to piss him off. He doesn't dare or give a shit. He's being so mean I expect even he wonders why you stick around.

It's been ten months, not 25 years of this shit and DC. Is he the only man in town or something?

God the concern trolling on this thread is horrendous. FYI for the trolls, BMI is highly faulty and you can never tell a persons health by a number on a scale.

Op you come across as a fairly intelligent and confident young woman, and you deserve someone who will love you at any size.

My only concern is your mental health and why you got with this guy and have stayed with him in the first place? Does some part of you feel you don't deserve better? Because unless you address that you're going to have more issues like this in the future.

This "man" will never be happy, OP.

You need to leave before he drags you down even further.

My plan actually would be to get nice and slim and then ditch him. Just so he can be fully aware of what he has destroyed with his crappy attitude

Sounds like a great plan. Not. Why waste more of your time on this planet to 'show him'.

By the way - that never works. And all the while you are 'showing him', you are missing out on meeting other, good men, or even just learning to like yourself.

Strange that you feel you need to be nice to him, but not to yourself. Oh well.

I don't understand why you haven't dumped him after the horrid vile way he is treating you? It's not going to get any better.

It almost sounds like you think if you explain it to him the right way, he'll be nice again.

He had to be nice at first as nobody would ever go out with him. He waited until you really liked him and then brought out his true self.

This mean twunt is the real him.

It would be simple to get rid of him as you don't live together or have children or other ties. Just tell him to fuck right off and block his number.

I have this image in my head of all us MNetters going over and pushing away all his fat with one of those soil digger things so we can jump up and down on his sack as that is exactly what he deserves.

Not sure I can put up with this level of nastiness for long enough though and also it's not healthy for me to keep such a jerk in my life for any longer.

Er. Yes. Your revenge fantasy of getting slim and then dumping him is a waste of your time. You can assert your own self-worth now, you don't have to wait until you have jumped through his hoop like a well-trained poodle and then say 'oh but I am my own person'.

I wouldn't be surprised if he was attracted to you at least in part because you were overweight - because he would have something to go on at you about and/or feel less inferior by comparison. He must have been a little surprised and disappointed that you have managed to lose a significant amount and are still on track, hence his efforts to make you feel bad about it. He knows from experience that crash dieting leads to yo-yo weight gain after but is still pushing you towards it.

But just in case you actually do manage to meet his exacting body standard and stay there he's got a fallback stick to beat you with: the unchangeable fact that you had sex with somebody else before you met him. This is actually not a bad thing in most rational people's minds, in the Western hemisphere in the 21st century. If you get together with someone in their late 20s it's more than likely that they will have dated at least, and probably had more than one longish relationship, some time in the last decade. He knew this. And yet here he is talking about possible marriage with a woman whose previous - extremely limited! - love life he appears to have major issues with. Why is he doing this? Because whoop-de-doo, he's got something to complain about which you cannot go back in time and change.

You'll be forever trying to make up to him for the fact that he wasn't your first. And you'll be terrified of putting on a pound because he has already explained that he will have to leave you if you get fat again great lardy blob that he is. So every time you eat you'll be thinking about him, him, him. Hurrah! He's the centre of your universe, just how he likes it.

This will inevitably get difficult suppose you ever did have children with him, absorbing your love, attention and energy. As for what you giving birth will do for his Madonna/whore complex, it doesn't bear thinking about...

(FWIW I was a virgin when I met XH, but that still didn't stop him going on about all the sex I might have been having or was thinking of having with other people. For 25 years. You can't cure someone with an obsession like this however demurely and devotedly you behave. Virtue, like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder.)

Stop engaging with this twat.
Seriously, it's just not worth your time and effort.
I don't think for a moment you will take any notice of the advice on here.
You just aren't seeing or hearing the issues going on.
It's not you - it's HIM!
Get rid of this arsehole.

Are you in the UK? You write like you are in the US.
If the UK, then please contact Womens Aid and sign up to do their Freedom Programme.
You were in an abusive relationship before and have gone straight into another one.

You need to learn to spot red flags and reset your boundaries.
Womens Aid can help you do this.

I would be interested in hearing what sort of upbringing you had.
Abuse is a cycle and you are currently within that cycle - but YOU can break free from this.
It will take time and effort on your part but you can do it.

Lose weight for yourself, not him. And ffs lose him!

its pretty obvious that he isnt right for you. You know hes a cunt. We know hes a cunt. It doesnt matter if we keep saying hes being unreasonable. Youre not going to make him click and realise this if he doesnt already.

Put this one down to experience. I think youre in a more vulnerable position frankly as youve only had one other lover, so youre probably more concerned with making this work, than someone with more experience who know that theres so many shitbags out there, that you dont waste any more time on them than you have to.

Keep your head held high and dump him. You deserve someone who makes you feel GOOD, not someone who keeps kicking you down

NEXT! DELETE! BLOCK!

My plan actually would be to get nice and slim and then ditch him

This really isn't a good idea. The longer you're with him the more chance he has to damage you, and although he's a twat, stringing him along for months as revenge wouldn't make you a very nice person. Be better than that-if you've decided you don't want to be with him (which is absolutely the right decision based on everything you've said here) dump him and start moving on with your life.

also what if you did have a baby and it wasnt healthy or the child had some form of additional needs. Would he be there as a team, and supportive, or would he blame you/

He is seeing you as some sort of broodmare, sizing you up like livestock.

Has he held your head and checked your teeth from side to side yet?

No no dump him now. And lost weight after if you want to - by then it won't matter either way as you'll already have had your revenge.