Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 12 13

Original poster

He wants me to get thin

316 replies

peacefullake05 · 04/10/2015 17:12

I have a relationship with this guy. He is quite overweight himself but wants me to get slim or he won't marry or have kids with me. Apparently because an "obese" woman won't have a healthy kid. I am not that huge. I am 5'7'' and around 250 pounds.
I have been wanting to tell him how comes nature prevents an underweight woman from conceiving a child by not making her have a period, but an obese woman happily keeps having periods? I honestly think he has a deep hatred for fat and he kind of takes out his frustration on me. He gets annoyed if I try to say that I am fat but healthy. I know for a fact as my blood tests came back perfect more than once. He says I am fat so I can't be healthy. He says fat women want hunky guys but anyway, he is not that different. He wants a hot, slim girl just as much. Mind you, my ex was overweight, so not like I am a shallow fatty.

I've been dieting for a few months and lost around 40 pounds, but still have more to lose. He had started a diet but quit out of frustration after around a month I think. He has said he has gained a ton back. I've never pressured him into losing weight. Always told him he looks handsome to me, even if he's not slim. Can't say the same about him.
He told me a few times I'm pretty but always points out I need to lose a ton of weight and even went as far as telling me that if we got married and I didn't lose the weight, he'd divorce me. He says he won't have kids me because if I had them at my current size, I would just balloon up and he wouldn't be happy.
The thing is he knew I wasn't slim from the start but came out with his views about weight quite a while into the relationship and I felt kind of misled. I have wanted to lose weight for myself, but at the same time I want someone to accept me how I am. I don't want someone who will love me as long as I don't put on some weight. That's not how I perceive love. Also, I could accept all this hassling me about weight if he was in shape, but he's not.
He keeps telling me he doesn't think I will lose it all and this upsets him. Well, as far as I know I am not the one who quiet the diet and got even fatter. I am slimmer than I was a few months ago. I didn't lose as much as I should have, but still.

Am I right in feeling like he's being a right jerk about this?

OP posts:

helloelo · 04/10/2015 17:49

LTB he's a massive twat and don't deserve your patience. Find your anger and tell him as it is.
I just would like to point out as well that obese women like myself often lose weight during pg, I'm a stone and a half lighter than before baby. And DS is a skinny little monkey hooked on pears and courgettes. As long as you make good food choices for your child, and this is down to educating yourself about it if you're not sure - not that all obese women don't know about food choices, loads are emotional eaters -, you'll be brilliant.

tableanadchairs · 04/10/2015 17:51

Please say you are losing weight for yourself -not to please this tosser.
Do yourself a favour and ditch that ton of lard before you get in deeper.
Hand him a mirror when he next time he mentions your weight-who the hell does he think he is?
You wont always be fat but he will always be an arse

tableanadchairs · 04/10/2015 17:51

Original poster

peacefullake05 · 04/10/2015 17:51

I meant I don't have diabetes and the typical diseases related to obesity. At least now. I am well-aware I need to shed the pounds and I am doing it and that is something I have wanted to do even before meeting him. I am not happy to be fat.

I am not sure how much he weighs as he has been evasive about it lately. I guess around 280lbs.

He wanted me to go on this ketogenic diet with which he had lost 200lbs and I have but didn't lose as fast as he expected me to. I think he thinks I cheat and he told me yesterday he thinks I don't really have the drive or determination. He is not willing, I think, to wait months for a slow and healthy weight loss. He wants me thin quick and slow progress makes him think I can't do it. Really, that makes me laugh because if there is someone who showed that he lost the weight only to gain some back again it's him. He has a right cheek to tell me I won't lose it all or that I might lose it only to put even more back on. Yes, he said that too.

OP posts:

category12 · 04/10/2015 17:52

Tell him to gtfo. Has he the golden penis? Fgs stop putting up with this shit. Why the hell do many guys think they get to be fucking Peter Griffin or Homer and deserve Lois or Marge? Stop pandering to him, dump his arse.

If you want to lose weight, do it for you.

MySordidCakeSecret · 04/10/2015 17:52

leave him he's not worth it, lose the weight for yourself not him.

Original poster

peacefullake05 · 04/10/2015 17:55

Well, he doesn't like it that I am not "pure" (I had only my ex before him, so hardly a wh*re)... again he never told me he wanted a virgin and he knew I wasn't one from the start lol. When I pointed that out, he said "not like we're married, so"... whatever that means.

I think it's the time and energy spent on him. I really hate the thought of having wasted time on someone who didn't deserve my trust. If I had known about his views on weight etc earlier on, I would have been gone off him when I still wasn't too much into him.

OP posts:

summerwinterton · 04/10/2015 17:56

You are never too involved to not be able to get out.

PurpleDaisies · 04/10/2015 17:57

You know his views now - why are you continuing to stay with him?

category12 · 04/10/2015 17:57

Sunk costs fallacy - en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sunk_costs

Dtmfa.

helenahandbag · 04/10/2015 17:58

What the buggering fuck do you find attractive about this vile, abusive, nasty man? He sounds like an utter cunt and I don't understand why you're even pondering a future with him.

Continue to lose weight for your own health (and I say this as someone who is 5' 5", 195lbs, active, healthy but still obese!) and happiness but don't spend another second with someone who dares speak to you like that.

BoldFox · 04/10/2015 17:58

Blimey, he's fat himself but he's laid this demand at your door. "lose weight or I the fat guy won't marry you". wow.

BoldFox · 04/10/2015 18:00

omg, just read that last bit!!!! that he wanted a virgin. Did he now!?

That's a level of weirdness and misogyny that you cannot marry. I wouldn't make him a cup of tea, I wouldn't water his plants as a favour if he lived next door. Run for the hills.

Original poster

peacefullake05 · 04/10/2015 18:00

Yes, he is a sunk cost if I ditch him and that angers me. Silly but that's why I stick around.

OP posts:

LikeASoulWithoutAMind · 04/10/2015 18:00

OP he sounds plain nasty. Noone should be treated like this.

You are never ever too involved to get out.

ImperialBlether · 04/10/2015 18:01

He lost 14 stone and put it all back on? And he wants YOU to lose weight?

I worked with a guy like this - at his peak he was over 35 stone - he lost quite a bit with a gastric band and was probably about 20 stone when I knew him. He wasn't very tall. He was very critical of women's weight - said anyone over 9 stone was obese but that women liked 'hunky men'. He was single.

BoldFox · 04/10/2015 18:02

I do understand that sunk fallacy thing, I walked away from my x knowing I had to ''forgive'' myself for having wasted so much of my life on him. But don't waste a day more than is necessary.

ImperialBlether · 04/10/2015 18:02

I would move out, make every effort to lose the weight then walk past his window every bloody day.

PurpleDaisies · 04/10/2015 18:03

It sounds like you have an issue with self sabotage if you can see he's not right for you but you can't bring yourself to write him off.

10 months together "wasted" vs the rest of your life? I don't get it.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/10/2015 18:04

"Yes, he is a sunk cost if I ditch him and that angers me. Silly but that's why I stick around".

The sunken costs fallacy makes people make poor relationship decisions like the one you wrote above. You would not have failed if you were to walk away from him.

You forget here that the damage has already been done. You would only fail your own self here if you were to stay with this person.

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 04/10/2015 18:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

category12 · 04/10/2015 18:05

Clearly you don't understand the point of the sunk costs fallacy. When you have wasted [how ever long] on something that is not/cannot work well for you, you need to stop sinking more into it, accept your losses up to here and the loss of face, and pull out. Better to say, I made a mistake for a few months/years than I did this shit for decades and pissed my life away.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/10/2015 18:06

Sunk costs are the resources that you've put into an endeavor that you can't get back out. They are the years you spent training for a profession you hate or waiting for your commitment-phobic boyfriend to propose. They are the money you spent on redecorating your living room in the hot new style, only to find that you hate living in it.

Once you've realized that you probably won't succeed or that you are unhappy with the results, it shouldn't matter how much time and effort you've already put into something. If your job or your boyfriend have taken up some of the best years of your life, it doesn't make sense to let them use up the years you've got left. And an ugly living room is an ugly living room, no matter how much money you spent making it so.

The problem is that it doesn't feel that way. Putting in a lot only to end up with nothing to show for it is just too awful for most of us to seriously consider. We worry far too much about what we'll lose if we just move on, and not nearly enough about the costs of not moving on -- more wasted time and effort, more unhappiness and more missed opportunities.

HelenaDove · 04/10/2015 18:07

Hes a hypocrite and misogynist. Hes as thick as shit too. In my slimming world class the men always lose quicker than the women. Testosterone helps weight loss and men have more of it.

Hes a bully. Its up to you whether you lose weight or not Do it for you.

I lost ten stone and i did it for one person....ME

Hes a nasty bastard OP. And ive come across this before ....men who are overweight but expect women to be a certain dress size and look decorative for them. Male entitlement.

Original poster

peacefullake05 · 04/10/2015 18:08

To be honest, I had a complete different impression of him when I first met him. As I said, he kept his views for himself. I still remember how he told me that he was more interested in the love for him etc than the physical appearance. One day he came out with something along these lines "at your current size it would be dangerous for you to have kids" . I got offended obviously.

At first he made it sound like he wanted me to lose weight purely because he says an obese woman won't produce a healthy kid.

When in fact his real concern is that if I get pregnant whilst obese I would get even bigger. I found a study showing that obese women gain less weight while pregnant than slim women, so I wouldn't double up in size most probably, like he thinks. Anyway, whatever, I am not in a hurry to have kids but he is.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 12 13