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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He wants me to get thin

316 replies

peacefullake05 · 04/10/2015 17:12

I have a relationship with this guy. He is quite overweight himself but wants me to get slim or he won't marry or have kids with me. Apparently because an "obese" woman won't have a healthy kid. I am not that huge. I am 5'7'' and around 250 pounds.
I have been wanting to tell him how comes nature prevents an underweight woman from conceiving a child by not making her have a period, but an obese woman happily keeps having periods? I honestly think he has a deep hatred for fat and he kind of takes out his frustration on me. He gets annoyed if I try to say that I am fat but healthy. I know for a fact as my blood tests came back perfect more than once. He says I am fat so I can't be healthy. He says fat women want hunky guys but anyway, he is not that different. He wants a hot, slim girl just as much. Mind you, my ex was overweight, so not like I am a shallow fatty.

I've been dieting for a few months and lost around 40 pounds, but still have more to lose. He had started a diet but quit out of frustration after around a month I think. He has said he has gained a ton back. I've never pressured him into losing weight. Always told him he looks handsome to me, even if he's not slim. Can't say the same about him.
He told me a few times I'm pretty but always points out I need to lose a ton of weight and even went as far as telling me that if we got married and I didn't lose the weight, he'd divorce me. He says he won't have kids me because if I had them at my current size, I would just balloon up and he wouldn't be happy.
The thing is he knew I wasn't slim from the start but came out with his views about weight quite a while into the relationship and I felt kind of misled. I have wanted to lose weight for myself, but at the same time I want someone to accept me how I am. I don't want someone who will love me as long as I don't put on some weight. That's not how I perceive love. Also, I could accept all this hassling me about weight if he was in shape, but he's not.
He keeps telling me he doesn't think I will lose it all and this upsets him. Well, as far as I know I am not the one who quiet the diet and got even fatter. I am slimmer than I was a few months ago. I didn't lose as much as I should have, but still.

Am I right in feeling like he's being a right jerk about this?

OP posts:

CactusAnnie · 04/10/2015 19:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

jorahmormont · 04/10/2015 19:22

Hardly a stalker, Cactus, I just remember another thread where you berated a member for daring to mention that her weight fell outside your acceptable parameters.

Original poster

peacefullake05 · 04/10/2015 19:25

Thank you all. Yes, I have already lost some weight whilst he has lost some a few months ago and now he said he has put back on with interests. He had lost 200lbs before I met him but put around 80lbs back on, which he was trying to lose a few months ago. He was losing but then got stalled and that's when he gave up. I didn't say anything about it.

OP posts:

CactusAnnie · 04/10/2015 19:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SecretWineBox · 04/10/2015 19:26

Maybe dumping the twat will give her the space to sort out her weight?

I can't deal with more than one huge issue at once and weight is not everything. I've been a size 4 and a size 16. Life went on pretty much the same regardless.

CactusAnnie · 04/10/2015 19:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

guinnessgirl · 04/10/2015 19:27

Haven't RTFT, but seriously, OP - LTB. It really is that simple. What a tosser.

jorahmormont · 04/10/2015 19:27

If you want to accuse me of lying and start a petty argument with me, do it somewhere else. The OP needs support, not you derailing the thread.

DiscoGoGo · 04/10/2015 19:28

Sounds to me like he has serious weight and body issues and is projecting it onto you. It won't get better.

(PP have said this too).

I mean he's a very big lad isn't he, telling you that you need to be thin (and pure?) WTAF... Just get rid. Honest. You won't regret it.

be prepared for him to grovel and whine and say he'll do better when you tell him, you need to be ready to say nope nope go away now.

Wolpertinger · 04/10/2015 19:32

You need to carry on losing weight and you also need to lose him.

FWIW when I met my DH he was slim (still is) and I was obese. I've lost weight since and still have another 30lbs I should lose but am not DH has never once mentioned my weight in 4 years whether I'm up or down.

I told DH your story - he thinks you partner thought 'she's a fat bird, must be desperate, I'll get a shag out of this'.

Defenderwife · 04/10/2015 19:33

Get rid of him. But, you are massively obese. Not overweight. Obese. Your blood tests may say you are fine but that's at the moment. If you gain weight or even stay this weight the future does not look good. Take care of your self by losing weight to a healthy level and find a man who deserves you.

ouryve · 04/10/2015 19:34

You need to write him a classified for a dating site, btw.

Recently dumped fat, entitled wanker seeks slim, pure, virgin, mid 20s with whom to create perfect kids.

CactusAnnie · 04/10/2015 19:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lavenderhoney · 04/10/2015 19:41

It's only ten months! That will seem like the blink of an eye if you stay with this bloke. Assume you don't live with him, so all you have to do is call or text him that you feel the relationship isn't working for you, and wish him luck, and to never contact you again. Ten months is not a long time, tbh, has it all moved rather fast, for you to feel you've invested so much?

There is no need to have a talk or try harder. The first ten months should be awesome, not this misery.

He's trying to scare you with how you hes your last chance at motherhood. He'll be a rubbish husband, and he's a shit boyfriend.

It doesn't matter if you've slept with any number of men, it's bugger all to do with him. Sleeping with your boyfriends doesn't make you a bad person. He's driving you crazy. He's already told you to dump him and find someone else who treats you nicely! Take his advice, and do it.

eddielizzard · 04/10/2015 19:43

the pure comment is just shit. so wrong on so many levels. i had an ex who banged on about this. he was my second, i was his second. so what? every couple of months he would bring it up again. what a wanker.

Original poster

peacefullake05 · 04/10/2015 19:52

I will lose the weight to be healthy and not ashamed of how I look.

I have only ever slept with the one guy who was my ex and I was in a serious relationship with him for 5 years.

Yes, he says fat women are worse because they will sleep with anyone in order to boost their self-esteem. I don't think he means me, because I have had one partner only and he knows I am really not the type to sleep around.

I agree that he must loathe himself for being fat and that's why he hates fat people so much, especially women. He says they are hypocrites who only want hunky men while looking like whales but look who's talking lol.
Also, he did mention, when he was on his diet, how he wanted the weight loss to be as quick as possible since he has little patience and wants fast results if he is giving up food he likes.
That's why if I don't lose, say, 10kg a month I am not making a good progress for him and he gets the hump and starts with his crap about me not losing it all ever etc.
He got very angry once when I ended up lying about the amount of weight I had lost due to the fact I didn't want him to be disappointed and think I wasn't gonna make it since my weight loss had been going slower. That's how anxious he makes me feel about it.

I have thought these things when he goes on about fat but should have shut him up there and then.

OP posts:

HelenaDove · 04/10/2015 19:53

Blimey is that all. Ten months should still be the honeymoon period. However there is no such thing with an abusive misogynist like this.

Original poster

peacefullake05 · 04/10/2015 19:54

10 months that we've been officially together. We have been involved with each other since around summer last year

OP posts:

HelenaDove · 04/10/2015 19:56

"Yes, he says fat women are worse because they will sleep with anyone in order to boost their self-esteem."

WOW He has a Madonna/whore complex too Quelle surprise.

He has put his own special extra twist on it too.

DiscoGoGo · 04/10/2015 19:57

Do you live with him?

BuggersMuddle · 04/10/2015 19:59

From your last post I'd say run.

You're both pretty overweight, but somehow it's okay for him but not for you due to pregnancy risks?

You're 29 years old but your age could become and issue and he's a few years older.

I reckon you could lose the weight, bear perfect children and try to remain as youthful as possible and he's still find something to complain about. Can't deny you're clearly overweight (which you've acknowledged), but who the hell thinks 29 is too old to have a first baby ffs...

category12 · 04/10/2015 20:00

Dtmfa.

HelenaDove · 04/10/2015 20:01

I lost 10 stone really quickly and got gallstones as a result. I had doctors tell me that fast weight loss caused this. I lost a stone a month for 7 months I was very ill and in excrutiatiing pain I had my gall bladder removed.

A few years later i slowly regained 4 stone when i became my husbands carer.

Ive lost that 4 stone now but its taken 2 years this time. Sometimes weight loss is slow We cannot force our bodies to lose weight at a rate of knots if it simply isnt going to.

Original poster

peacefullake05 · 04/10/2015 20:04

We don't live together. The other big issue we have had is that of my non virginity as I mentioned.
If I told you about that in detail as well, you will really start thinking I am utterly insane to still be dealing with him.

Basically for him any woman who hasn't lost his virginity to him, apart from family members, is a wh*re. Not joking, he has said this, but not to me directly.

He once got annoyed thinking about the fact I am not a virgin and made a comment basically calling me a hooker. I asked him to apologise and he refused. He then acted like even more of a twat, telling me to be done with him for the evening etc.

I told him the fact I am not a virgin doesn't make me a sl*t and that no one would think that about me since I don't have a history of sleeping around and only slept with one guy. He said that's a difference to everyone, apart from the guy who comes after my ex.

OP posts:

HelenaDove · 04/10/2015 20:07

Hes a Grade A cunt OP Ditch ditch ditch.

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