He wants me to get thin

[peacefullake05]

I have a relationship with this guy. He is quite overweight himself but wants me to get slim or he won't marry or have kids with me. Apparently because an "obese" woman won't have a healthy kid. I am not that huge. I am 5'7'' and around 250 pounds.
I have been wanting to tell him how comes nature prevents an underweight woman from conceiving a child by not making her have a period, but an obese woman happily keeps having periods? I honestly think he has a deep hatred for fat and he kind of takes out his frustration on me. He gets annoyed if I try to say that I am fat but healthy. I know for a fact as my blood tests came back perfect more than once. He says I am fat so I can't be healthy. He says fat women want hunky guys but anyway, he is not that different. He wants a hot, slim girl just as much. Mind you, my ex was overweight, so not like I am a shallow fatty.

I've been dieting for a few months and lost around 40 pounds, but still have more to lose. He had started a diet but quit out of frustration after around a month I think. He has said he has gained a ton back. I've never pressured him into losing weight. Always told him he looks handsome to me, even if he's not slim. Can't say the same about him.
He told me a few times I'm pretty but always points out I need to lose a ton of weight and even went as far as telling me that if we got married and I didn't lose the weight, he'd divorce me. He says he won't have kids me because if I had them at my current size, I would just balloon up and he wouldn't be happy.
The thing is he knew I wasn't slim from the start but came out with his views about weight quite a while into the relationship and I felt kind of misled. I have wanted to lose weight for myself, but at the same time I want someone to accept me how I am. I don't want someone who will love me as long as I don't put on some weight. That's not how I perceive love. Also, I could accept all this hassling me about weight if he was in shape, but he's not.
He keeps telling me he doesn't think I will lose it all and this upsets him. Well, as far as I know I am not the one who quiet the diet and got even fatter. I am slimmer than I was a few months ago. I didn't lose as much as I should have, but still.

Am I right in feeling like he's being a right jerk about this?

WTAF???

That hideous madonna/whore complex would be a deal breaker alone. No. Just no.

You should text/email/call him right now and tell him it is over.

Then make mental notes of what to tell the daughter you will have with the good man you will eventually meet, to avoid.

Erm

Chuck him. Obviously. This should be obvious! He sounds absolutely, utterly horrendous.

You are going to dump him, right? Like, ASAP and PDQ and then prance off into the sunset happily strewing roses from your hat.

OP, I don't think your weight issue is as much a danger to your health as this misogynistic dictator. I have never wanted to throttle someone as much in my life. Question is: why are you with him??

I agree with the posters who tell you to LTB. I was slim verging on underweight when I met my exH. His view was that I would never be slim or pretty enough for him and he made sure I knew it. He saw me as a commodity not a person.

Over the next thirty years I acquired a binge eating habit, shit self-esteem and piled on a ton of weight through comfort eating to deal with my feelings of inadequacy. Eventually he traded me in for a younger model. Actually the last part did me a favour, but he fucked me up royally along the way.

Never, ever settle for a man who values your looks rather than you.

I ended up lying about the amount of weight I had lost due to the fact I didn't want him to be disappointed

And that's exactly how you sabotage your successful weight loss programme.

Hard to believe there isn't a queue of virgins waiting for him to deflower them - what an attractive prospect

Sounds like he pretty much hates women. When are you going to dump him?

Last time.

Dump the muthafucker already.

For your own sanity, you need to get rid of this wanker. He does not give a toss about you and the longer you are in a so called relationship with him the more he will destroy your self confidence. Wish him luck in finding a slim, attractive, model type woman, he may attract a cyber one but rest assured he will not have a cat in hells chance in the real world.You will have the last laugh OP because you will loose your weight and find a man who is worthy of you.

I am actually laughing at how ridiculous, hypocritical and thick he sounds.

What a tosser.

The way I look at this, do not marry a man unless you're are confident that he will still love and fancy you after watching you vomiting and shitting yourself (labour).

This man wants some pure, virgin, maiden-on-sodding-pedestal. He's an adolescent.

You need something better to go through being parents and eternity together.

I will. I know I am actually doing something to change my life for the better whilst he is there moaning about me.
I also know he certainly isn't in the position to find a hot virgin ready to be deflowered by him, since he hasn't found one in 35 years lol.
I won't go into detail about this but not many women would be in a relationship with a guy in his circumstances and that's before we even take into account his views. I gave him a chance because I thought he was a smart guy, valuing personality over looks and so on. I also actually find him attractive despite the weight. I have seen how he looked when younger and slim and he looked hot.
I find hunky guys attractive obviously but my priority is a personality that is a good match for mine and I thought his was. As I said, I think lately I have been sticking around because I have invested a lot in this relationship in these months, trying to accommodate his demands etc.

I even had to go and get tested for STDs because I wasn't a virgin. Mind you, the only guy I slept with and lost my virginity to was a virgin himself and had only slept with me.

That is exactly my problem!

this is who he is. a misogynistic hypocrite.

the question is, is this the type of person you want to be in a relationship with?

personally i'd rather be with someone who has respect for me, loves me, has my back and whom i trust.

OP do you think your partner has an eating disorder? You said when he was younger he was a normal weight, but then became massively overweight, followed by a massive weight loss; an ed may explain (not excuse) this type of behaviour

tell him get to fuck

Keep on with whatever diet/excercise program you're on - with a view to total lifestyle overhaul, healthy habits for life etc.

Live your life free of this twat. The future begins now.

Can't you see you're worth so much more than this twerp? He is a complete waste of time.

So glad you found MN OP, a site like no other to help the scales fall (helped me see the hell of a decade long relationship with a total bellend :))

Before that bellend i went out with a guy 11 years my senior, bald, 20 stone & a similar sounding mysoginist to the one you're dealing with.

He once pulled the handbreak on in the middle of driving us somewher & starting pulling at my midriff rolls & screaming at me for their existense.

Terrified but convinced it was all my fault so put up with it for years.

Once plucked up the courage to ask if he'd looked in the mirror lately, cue a lecture on how men could look however they wanted but women had to keep in shape & 'compete' (presumably for a 'prize' like him)

Men like these don't start off being their real arsehole selves as they'd never attract a partner in a million years, no, they wait until they think you're good & committed & then figure you'll put up with anything they care to dish out, forever.

You sound absolutely lovely OP, he doesn't deserve the steam off your piss let alone anything else!!

Keep posting here & soon you'll really see that you are not just weight or body parts to be 'critiqued' by a loser like him, pack yours (or his bags) & head for a better future. x

OP, if you did have kids with him they would be doomed to be unhappy and unhealthy

and not because your BMI was high or you were over 29 at their birth

but because half their genetic contribution would be from this arsehole
and he would spend his time dripping his dysfunctional judgemental poison into your and their ears

the way hes going on about your age/weight etc (while ignoring his own) its like hes selecting a dog for breeding not a relationship

please abandon this chap, its only been 10 months! and go and find a man who would want you to be healthy and happy for you, who is mature enough to accept that you are an adult who might have past relationships

I think he has done you a massive favor.

He is showing you what an absolute fucker he is and with any luck you will get rid of this fool for good.

Marrying this ass will not do you any good, he will pick away at your self esteem until you are a timid insecure mess who laps up any emotional crumbs this idiot sees fit to bestow upon you.

Come on, you know this is just a taster of whats to come if you stay with him. Tell him to get fucked as you walk away.

As far as I know he doesn't have a specific eating disorder. He eats when depressed etc. I think he gained a massive amount of weight when depressed after losing a job years ago. He reached 400lbs and lost half of that on his own giving up all carbs. When I met him, he was around 200lbs but in a few months piled around 80 back on.

I told him years ago I lost around 30kg on my own too. Sometimes I feel like he thinks he knows everything and he knows better. I did it before, I can do it again. He's not the only one capable of losing weight.

I gained weight due to problems with my ex, comfort eating etc. He was a bit of a twat in his own way, but at least never made a big deal out of me gaining weight. This guy has managed to almost make me reconsider my ex lol.

I said to him a few weeks ago... my hands are not fat. This is true. Can see the veins and feel them. I am fat everywhere but my hands are not fat. He had to try and say that when I lose weight, even my hands will be slimmer. He couldn't even let me have this little solace. It seems like he has to point out I am fat no matter what just to make sure I don't forget it or something.

Thanks for the support on here :).

You can't grow your virginity back. This relationship is going nowhere.

What you can do is continue to lose weight at a safe, healthy rate and dump that guy. I would recommend you do not do these in the order I just said.

I used to be 230lbs at 5'3". I got down to 129lbs in a safe, slow way. I kept it off until years later I got pregnant. My little boy is now 5 months old and I am 185lbs. My partner loves me just as much.

Your boyfriend is making his love conditional. It is a manipulation, not affection. He is only concerned with what he wants, not what is best for you.

You can do a lot better than this guy. Being single is doing a lot better than this guy.

Good luck with your continued weight loss.

'my hands are not fat' - i feel like crying reading that, you poor thing.

Bet he gets a right giddy high from bringing you down with the likes of the 'even your hands will be slimmer' comments.

He sounds like he has terrible attitudes to his own eating & body plus no self esteem so gets a kick out of insulting you & seeing your confidence drop ever further.

As other posters have said, you could be a catwalk model & he would find something to pick at.

'Drip, drip, drip, like chinese water torture.....

The hills are that a way >>>>> run, peacefullake05, run :)