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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He wants me to get thin

316 replies

peacefullake05 · 04/10/2015 17:12

I have a relationship with this guy. He is quite overweight himself but wants me to get slim or he won't marry or have kids with me. Apparently because an "obese" woman won't have a healthy kid. I am not that huge. I am 5'7'' and around 250 pounds.
I have been wanting to tell him how comes nature prevents an underweight woman from conceiving a child by not making her have a period, but an obese woman happily keeps having periods? I honestly think he has a deep hatred for fat and he kind of takes out his frustration on me. He gets annoyed if I try to say that I am fat but healthy. I know for a fact as my blood tests came back perfect more than once. He says I am fat so I can't be healthy. He says fat women want hunky guys but anyway, he is not that different. He wants a hot, slim girl just as much. Mind you, my ex was overweight, so not like I am a shallow fatty.

I've been dieting for a few months and lost around 40 pounds, but still have more to lose. He had started a diet but quit out of frustration after around a month I think. He has said he has gained a ton back. I've never pressured him into losing weight. Always told him he looks handsome to me, even if he's not slim. Can't say the same about him.
He told me a few times I'm pretty but always points out I need to lose a ton of weight and even went as far as telling me that if we got married and I didn't lose the weight, he'd divorce me. He says he won't have kids me because if I had them at my current size, I would just balloon up and he wouldn't be happy.
The thing is he knew I wasn't slim from the start but came out with his views about weight quite a while into the relationship and I felt kind of misled. I have wanted to lose weight for myself, but at the same time I want someone to accept me how I am. I don't want someone who will love me as long as I don't put on some weight. That's not how I perceive love. Also, I could accept all this hassling me about weight if he was in shape, but he's not.
He keeps telling me he doesn't think I will lose it all and this upsets him. Well, as far as I know I am not the one who quiet the diet and got even fatter. I am slimmer than I was a few months ago. I didn't lose as much as I should have, but still.

Am I right in feeling like he's being a right jerk about this?

OP posts:
IsItIorAreTheOthersCrazy · 04/10/2015 18:08

You do realise that if you lose the weight and are slim, he will bully you with something else (not wearing a full face of make up every day will be unacceptable / he will complain about the way you dress or how you do your hair. You won't be fit enough, you won't be calm enough etc). He uses you to make himself feel better - he knows he's fat and unfit, he knows you are a motivated person who could do better, and he hates it. And his way of dealing with that is to be horrible to you.

This man is an arsehole. You can and should do better. Tell him you understand he wants a thin woman, you want a decent man, therefore you are incompatible and it's better that you go your separate ways.

Stop trying to make him see how ridiculous he's being, he knows he's a dick, he just doesn't care.

BoldFox · 04/10/2015 18:09

you know how you said there's a part of you that doesn't want to continue losing weight because it'd be like doing what he wanted you to do, well, instead of defying him by not losing weight which isn't going to serve you, ''defy'' him by showing him that you are not too involved to get out of the relationship. That was a really weird thing for him to say to you!! you're too involved to get out of the relationship?!?! llike the others say, lose weight, lose exactly 280lbs. More probably, if he's evasive. He has some nerve making you feel so bad.

MistressChalk · 04/10/2015 18:10

What exactly are you posting for OP? You seem to realise this blokes a prize cunt and yet won't leave him?
You don't sound like you like him at all and appreciate the man you met 10 months ago is not the man you know today so you know this isn't right and should cut your losses.

BoldFox · 04/10/2015 18:10

yeh, the house wouldn't be tidy enough, the kids wouldn't be quiet enough, you wouldn't be obliging enough, he'd train you to never ask for anything... you'd be a slave while he sat like a moving mountain that didn't move very much.

specialsubject · 04/10/2015 18:11

life really is too short for all this. You've got two problems. There's one you can solve right now by giving him his marching orders or leaving. So glad you aren't married and do not even thinking of breeding with him, do yourself and the species a favour.

you are working on the other problem, keep up the good work. Are you getting medical advice on nutrition etc? Scammy fad diets never work.

Original poster
peacefullake05 · 04/10/2015 18:11

"Obese" was not put into quotation marks because I don't feel I am obese, it was to highlight the word... I know it sounded like that!

OP posts:
DoreenLethal · 04/10/2015 18:12

I have a relationship with this guy

There's your problem right there.

BoldFox · 04/10/2015 18:14

yes, i get it. whether it's medically correct or not it's a very blunt thing to say to one's nearest and dearest and I think that it's as odd to say it so bluntly whether it's true or not. If it were my partner, I'd focus on helping, not serving up labels that are both obvious and shocking.

BoldFox · 04/10/2015 18:15

When you break it off with him tell him how unattractive you find him.

Twinklestein · 04/10/2015 18:16

So he's a fat misogynist twat who wants a thin virgin (as if). Why do you stay?

It can't solely be sunk costs surely?

43percentburnt · 04/10/2015 18:16

My friend married a man like this shithead. She was a gorgeous 9 stone size 10. He was overweight and had issues with his weight.

He would criticise her stomach for not being totally flat. Calling her fat names (he was several stone overweight). She never said anything back.

She ended up anorexic, went down in weight, size 6 was too big on her. She ended up in hospital. He wasn't happy until she was anorexic. He never told her to get help, he let her get sick as it suited what he wanted.

I know the story is different, but fundamentally these fuckwits hate women. They are weak individuals who hate their body image but take it out on their so called loved one.

Leave, I doubt he would be happy if you were 9 stone.

BoldFox · 04/10/2015 18:16

I love your summary there twinklestein.

BoldFox · 04/10/2015 18:18

Leave that on a post-it note stuck to the fridge.

OP, it's better to be happier on your own, and you will be, how could you not be!?

Original poster
peacefullake05 · 04/10/2015 18:18

I know I should dump him. I know. I feel deceived because if I had known before about his weight obsession and all that, I wouldn't have let him make me feel bad about myself. I should be able to lose the weight at my own pace and not being rushed because he can't wait.
I see all his jerk behaviours clearly and I feel this has become toxic.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 04/10/2015 18:21

Do you live or work together? Are there any logistics to consider with getting shot of him? He sounds like a prize twit.

helenahandbag · 04/10/2015 18:22

As others have said, you could get down to 9st and he'd still be upset because you don't do your hair every day or you look better with lipstick on or you never wear heels. Then pregnancy would change your body, then you would be focusing on the child and not him, then you wouldn't be doing enough housework. He's a misogynistic fuckwit who hates himself so much that he will grind you down until you're as miserable as he is.

Don't marry him and PLEASE don't have kids with him. He's a self centred arsehole and it won't end well.

Twinklestein · 04/10/2015 18:23

He will stop making you feel bad about yourself as soon as you dump him.

BoldFox · 04/10/2015 18:26

imagine the bliss of being free to do just that?

You can have five good days, three bad ones, five more good days, two bad ones, but generally, you'd be going in the right direction with nobody picking at you.

You do not need this fat misogynist's approval. he sounds like a critical arse.

It will be very hard because as well as being fucked up about being overweight himself and projecting his self-loathing on to you, he clearly behaves in an abusive way to you. Maybe it's not at the extreme end of the scale and so you don't recognise it as being abusive, but if you dread, literally dread, like you have no right to end a relationship with him then he is abusive. Any man who makes you feel like you need a strong case to be the one to end the relationship is abusive.

Can you tell him that the relationship is over and will he be sad but after a little bit of discussion accept that?! if no, then the dynamic is abusive. he's put you in the situation where you now feel you need his permission to end the relationship. Obviously he'll never GIVE it, so don't try and get his understanding. He'll never relieve your awkwardness by giving it to you. That'll be all he HAS once you've left. Just knowing that you feel bad and frustrated that he wouldn't acknowledge that he was a dickhead to you, that'll be all he has so he'll hang on to that. You'll have to walk away knowing he thinks you've burnt your bridges with him, blah blah blah, that other guys won't fancy you, that he was doing you a favour really, that he'll be snapped up a week after you leave him, that you have some nerve leaving him with all of your faults, he'll go over all of your faults, even though you just want to go your separate ways, he won't let you away without telling you all your faults!!!

IGNORE IT ALL

tAKE a deep, deep breath and break it off and then run for the hills, change your mobile number so that he can't send you texts reminding you how fat you are, how lucky you were to have had a ''hunky'' guy like him..

Original poster
peacefullake05 · 04/10/2015 18:28

No, it wouldn't cause me logistic problems to get rid of him.

I am sure it would turn out like that in fact at the moment I have no desire to marry him. I don't think he is the kind of man I want. Some of the stuff he comes out with genuinely baffles me and hearing you all confirm I am not crazy for getting mad about how he talks to me makes me feel better and more encouraged to ditch him.

OP posts:
Borninthe60s · 04/10/2015 18:30

Get to your goal weight, then tell him to fuck right off!

category12 · 04/10/2015 18:31

Bit of self esteem building for you, I think it needed. And dumping the mf already will go some ways to helping with that.

Value yourself. You deserve better. Much much better.

CactusAnnie · 04/10/2015 18:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tribpot · 04/10/2015 18:33

That would be poetic, Born, but the OP needs to be losing weight in a healthy and sustainable way, not having this fucker pouring poison in her ear for months.

peaceful, if you had a daughter, would you want her to be with a man like this?

PurpleDaisies · 04/10/2015 18:34

It sounds like you know what you have to do-be strong and dump him.

Wishing you ever success with your weight loss (the weight loss chat section on here is great for support).

SecretWineBox · 04/10/2015 18:36

You must ditch him.

I had a man like that.

I lost the weight.

He complained about my hair and make up.

I changed my hair and make up.

He complained about me smoking.

I quit smoking.

He complained about my hobby.

I ditched my hobby.

He complained about my friends.

I ditched my friends.

He complained about my job.

I love my job. I ditched him.

That was 8 years of my life I won't get back.

Run.