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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Married man asking questions about my sexual habits

192 replies

bodenbiscuit · 04/10/2015 12:16

This is dodgy isn't it? I've known him since we were children. Would you assume he was up to something?

OP posts:
MatrixReloaded · 05/10/2015 16:06

Look Op nobody is holding you accountable for what he has said or done. That's on him. Your an adult and if you weren't happy about it there was no reason to continue having these conversations.

I'm not really sure what to make of your comment about misogynistic attitudes. You seem determined to see yourself as a victim.

Original poster
bodenbiscuit · 05/10/2015 16:18

I don't see myself as a literal victim of 'domestic' type abuse at all in this case. When people talk about victim blaming they mean that someone is blamed for someone else's actions. They were asking for it, etc. Amd yes, we do live in a society where women as well as men collude in blaming other women for when men act inappropriately sometimes. I suspect this is why another poster upthread warned me that if our families find out about it, I will be seen as the one to blame.

What you actually said was that I wanted to have 'filthy' (why use that word) chats with a married man and that I'm responsible as well.

OP posts:
Original poster
bodenbiscuit · 05/10/2015 16:19

If I was saying that I want to continue talking to him now then I could understand your responses. But that isn't the case.

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Fairenuff · 05/10/2015 17:22

It just smacks of a kind of misogynist attitude that it must always be the woman's fault somehow because women are temptresses and men are fools

No, it just asks why you responded to him. Why not switch the machine off and ignore him?

When people talk about victim blaming they mean that someone is blamed for someone else's actions.

No one is blaming you for his actions. People are just asking you about yours. You are not 'to blame' for his behaviour but you are responsible for your own behaviour. Responding to him, having sexual chats with him, was inappropriate, that's all.

Now you've put a stop to it and, hopefully, have realised that you can take control and press the off button any time you like.

Original poster
bodenbiscuit · 05/10/2015 17:24

well I wasn't - I tried to steer the conversation to something else.

OP posts:
MatrixReloaded · 05/10/2015 19:18

There is a particular language used when a person is playing the victim. It's specific and is similar to the cheaters script or the abusers script.

You initially had a bunch of daft reasons why you couldn't block him / tell him to stop / or just stop talking to him. Not one of the things you came up with was a valid reason, they were just excuses.

Original poster
bodenbiscuit · 05/10/2015 20:12

So, what you are actually saying Matrix is you think I am a liar and I actually wanted to keep on talking to him. So I made Up a story where I am the victim. Perhaps you could explain exactly what language I used that shows this as you are expert in semantics?

Your posts are quite nasty - I am not a bad person and I've never been spoken to so rudely in all my time on mumsnet.

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Original poster
bodenbiscuit · 05/10/2015 20:21

I'm actually quite upset. I am the last person in the world who would ever be interested in someone who was married. And now I'm being compared to a cheat and an abuser.

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MatrixReloaded · 05/10/2015 20:42

Your last two posts stink of victim mentality.

I didn't call you a liar, I didn't say you made up a story and I didn't compare you to an abuser or a cheat. Earlier on in the thread Pony asked you a simple question. You specifically told her to stop victim blaming which would indicate you perceive yourself to be a victim.

Gabilan · 05/10/2015 20:44

Boden if you've got what you want from this thread you can hide it. If the situation upsets you and you don't need to be in it, just walk away

Original poster
bodenbiscuit · 05/10/2015 20:52

Matrix - your posts feel quite personal and I think what you have said in the last one is pretty disingenuous.

I am used to people's acerbic responses on mumsnet but it's obvious when someone is being personal and when someone is not. I did not come on here to have a fight. This morning you felt the need to have a go at me again, even though I had resolved the original issue yesterday and you are still continuing to do so. What is your motivation?

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Original poster
bodenbiscuit · 05/10/2015 20:53

Yes I could easily hide the thread but I am not happy with how I have been painted as a woman who tries to go after married men when that is not the truth.

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Fairenuff · 05/10/2015 20:55

No-one has painted that picture OP.

You said he asked you inappropriate questions. Posters asked if you responded. You became defensive. Yes, his actions were wrong but so were yours.

You've put a stop to it now, so just accept that it's done, it's in the past and can't be changed but if it happens again, you'll know how to deal with it better.

Original poster
bodenbiscuit · 05/10/2015 20:55

I have not been the only person on the thread to mention victim blaming.

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Original poster
bodenbiscuit · 05/10/2015 20:57

Well from where I sit I think they have actually. And I wasn't the only one to think so.

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Original poster
bodenbiscuit · 05/10/2015 20:58

For some reason I felt that I could not confront him. But now that I have it seems it was easier than I thought.

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Original poster
bodenbiscuit · 05/10/2015 20:59

I didn't respond to the questions but glossed over it and tried to change the subject.

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Gabilan · 05/10/2015 21:08

Boden, whilst I think it is important to remember that there is an actual person on the receiving end of online comments, I also think there are times you can shrug and walk away. In the end, does it matter that much what someone on here thinks? You know what you did, that's the important thing

MatrixReloaded · 05/10/2015 21:12

As I say you are insistent on seeing yourself as a victim, claiming that I am having a go at you and questioning my motivation. As was the case with your married friend you can hide the thread, turn the screen off or block me.

Or you can claim that I have said things when I didn't and act the victim. For what it's worth my 11 year old claims I'm having a go at her. It's that language again.

Original poster
bodenbiscuit · 05/10/2015 21:18

Yes, usually I am not upset by mumsnet and I've had arguments with people on here before but I don't usually feel it's personal. Why would it be?

It's frustrating not to be believed about the boundary issue. I post stuff on here all the time and people often say 'well isn't it obvious what you should do' - it happened on another thread the other day. I am aware that I am not like other people and don't always take appropriate action when I should. But that isn't because I'm a bad person with ill intent.

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Original poster
bodenbiscuit · 05/10/2015 21:20

Oh don't be ridiculous matrix - people use that phrasing all the time. It certainly isn't specific to 11 year olds.

What you said was that I made up a load of excuses. You don't directly say anything but it is implied quite clearly.

OP posts:
WombOfOnesOwn · 05/10/2015 21:33

You seem curiously invested in people's thoughts about your motivations, extremely defensive. I also notice that you keep saying your only problem with this is that the man is married.

I rather suspect you would, therefore, be enjoying the same kinds of flirty attention if this person wasn't married. It seems like you keep dwelling on the married part, but believe me, I wouldn't be okay with a "friend" doing this even if they were 100% verifiably single and so was I. That's not what friends do, that's not how friends talk. If the only issue you see is that he's married, not that he's a man who is likely to perv on women who don't realize it, and likely to pressure women into answering sexual questions they'd prefer not to, I have to think you actually on some level are into this guy--otherwise you'd see these huge red flags for what they are.

Tell the truth: would you be into this guy if he wasn't attached?

Original poster
bodenbiscuit · 05/10/2015 21:41

Womb, no, absolutely, honestly not. I am in the early stages of a relationship with someone else. I didn't find it flattering at all. I started the thread about it yesterday because it was beginning to make me feel depressed.

I can't prove to anyone that what I'm saying is true unfortunately. In the past it has been suggested to me by my doctor that perhaps I am on the spectrum. I don't know if this is correct or not but I frequently find myself being told that I really ought to have dealt with something a different way.

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Original poster
bodenbiscuit · 05/10/2015 21:42

Yes I probably do seem defensive but that may be because there are RL friends on here who know my posting name and I would rather they didn't think I was a home wrecker.

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ForChina · 05/10/2015 21:51

I did giggle a bit at the idea that this is the rudest anyone has ever been to you on Mumsnet. I think we're on different Mumsnets because I read ruder than this most days.

I don't think anyone called you a homewrecker but they did tell you to stop using that MN buzzword 'victim blaming' in a circumstance where you were not a victim. Also, I personally think that you should have ended the chats a lot sooner. You're saying it would be bad if you kept on talking to him after he had made these comments but that's exactly what you have done. You said earlier he makes them about once a year. And you've still been talking to him. That's what people have an issue with. My personal guess would be that it's a bit of an ego boost. I totally get that but I think you're being really defensive because you know you let this go on a liiiiittle longer than it should have.