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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Married man asking questions about my sexual habits

192 replies

bodenbiscuit · 04/10/2015 12:16

This is dodgy isn't it? I've known him since we were children. Would you assume he was up to something?

OP posts:
Original poster
bodenbiscuit · 04/10/2015 14:31

How do you do this China? I don't like my chat being on at all but I don't know how to switch it off.

I don't agree that you shouldn't even talk to someone just because they're married especially if you've known each other since childhood.

OP posts:
ThePonyFormerlyKnownAsTony · 04/10/2015 14:31

I'm sorry about my 'I'm not convinced...' post, it was insensitive and I can see now that it did have an accusatory tone. It's just, you seemed reluctant to answer whether you answer his questions but I'm sorry I came across as rude.

Best of luck with the situation OP.

Branleuse · 04/10/2015 14:31

just delete him. You dont have to be friends. Ive deleted loads of people in my own family, let alone their friends and aquaintances

Original poster
bodenbiscuit · 04/10/2015 14:33

Some people would say it's abusive for someone to ask about another person's underwear. What would happen if one work colleague said this to another? So that is the context in which victim is used.

OP posts:
Original poster
bodenbiscuit · 04/10/2015 14:33

That was to ForChina

OP posts:
thehypocritesoaf · 04/10/2015 14:34

Er just block him. Job done.

thehypocritesoaf · 04/10/2015 14:35

This isn't happening in the workplace, is it?

Ginkypig · 04/10/2015 14:37

No he does not seem interested.

Having seen what you said about boundaries he will know that too and he will know about the family issues you have touched on because he has known you for so long so it's even more important that you get strong and get clear headed.

I think that he believes he has the upper hand here and will be able to wear you down for his own agenda and then turn it on you at a later date.

Take away the fact you have known him for years for a minute

If you were on a bus and a man who you saw semi regularly on the same route started asking the same things or pull you into these same conversations, how would you react. Very differently because he is practically a stranger and you would be able to see immediately that it was highly inappropriate of him!

This is the same situation except you've thought you knew him so it's more shocking (in my view) you should have been able to trust this person not to put you in this situation and he did anyway, he's a nasty guy for doing that's!

Original poster
bodenbiscuit · 04/10/2015 14:41

So it's ok to ask a woman about her underwear as long as it's not in the work place?

OP posts:
Original poster
bodenbiscuit · 04/10/2015 14:42

Ok thanks GinkyPig. I agree with what you say.

OP posts:
tribpot · 04/10/2015 14:43

Facebook instructions for turning off chat. However, I see no reason why you should have to turn it off completely just because of one odious individual.

thehypocritesoaf · 04/10/2015 14:45

No, but there's no need to go back for repeated conversations just because you are mates with his sister.

That is a little odd.

Ginkypig · 04/10/2015 14:50

I hope what Iv said is helpful and I'm not coming across Like I'm preaching at you Blush

I'm just really angry on your behalf I can see that you thought he was your friend (as well as all the rest sister parents Etc) so your boundaries with him were down as they should be if you thought you could trust him and for him to treat you like this is appalling!

Good luck boden

sleeponeday · 04/10/2015 14:55

ThePony you were asking for clarification, and I don't think that is necessarily rude. It's a tricky one, as there are legit questions, but there are also victim blaming implications with this sort of scenario I think - it is hard sometimes for someone in it to act appropriately because it is so left field.

Your supporter, however, was being plain rude. "Pipe down" isn't pleasant when someone may be on the end of this.

BSites · 04/10/2015 14:56

He's doing it because he can. Solution, block him so he can't.

TheStoic · 04/10/2015 14:57

So it's ok to ask a woman about her underwear as long as it's not in the work place?

It's neither right nor wrong - depending on the context.

If it's not ok with you, you will unfortunately need to be the one to stop it. Either by telling him, or blocking him. Preferably both.

sleeponeday · 04/10/2015 14:57

OP do you know how to block someone? As has been said, if you do he won't raise it with anyone because you could cause him such crap.

If your family situation is messy and your boundaries shaky as a result, and he knew you as a child, he may see you as a vulnerable target. Prove him wrong - just block. Nobody else need ever know and he will have to look for alternative wank fodder.

Good luck.

MatrixReloaded · 04/10/2015 15:06

I also find it hard to believe that an adult wouldn't know how to deal with this, or would need to ask if people thought he was up to something, or if a lot of men behave this way.

If you don't like it either tell him that directly, or just don't respond to his messages.

SilverBirchWithout · 04/10/2015 15:08

Most effective abusers operate by making the victim feel unable to call them out on their behaviour by manipulating a situation around social rules. If the victim says something they are "overreacting", it was "a joke", the perpetrator was "just being friendly".

Women all too often feel embarrassed, worry they are misreading a situation or feel they maybe overreacting. We are programmed to be "nice" or empathetic.

Tell him to Fuck Off! You owe this pervert nothing, to him your are just wank fodder.

ForChina · 04/10/2015 15:12

There is no victim. There's a person who is having repeated FB chats (why?) with a married man, despite him quite often (it would seem) making sleazy comments. It's obviously sleazy to talk about someone's underwear or sex life in this scenario. It's really easy to not talk to someone on Facebook. You can switch off chat for one person or for all - google it.

You are not a victim but it is not blaming you for his comments to say stop talking to him! It's saying that if you want to avoid this unpleasant man's comments, it is actually really easy. If you engage in any conversations after what he has said, you would be willingly feeding into this for some reason - I can see that some people would do this for an ego stroke, thrill etc. I hope you don't.

Abuse is when there is an imbalance of power or a situation where it's hard to avoid the person (hence the workplace example from someone) but you don't have either of those here. You have a friend's brother being sleazy on Facebook chat, so stop talking to him. The end.

Gabilan · 04/10/2015 15:13

I see no reason why you should have to turn it off completely just because of one odious individual.

True, but you can just turn chat off for him. I'd block him completely but to turn off chat for an individual, click on the options/ cog wheel thing below your list of friends. Click on it and go to advanced settings. There's a box where you can just list each individual you don't want to chat to. (Or there's another option where you list only the friends you do want to chat to).

That's on a laptop or PC, not sure about a phone.

SilverBirchWithout · 04/10/2015 15:15

*you're

Original poster
bodenbiscuit · 04/10/2015 15:17

ForChina - you are definitely suggesting that I am trying to get involved with a married man from where I sit. 'What are you doing talking to a married man' etc

And no I don't need any kind of reinforcement from him - if he were single I would still not be interested in him that way.

Where have I said I'm going to carry on talking to him?

OP posts:
loveyoutothemoon · 04/10/2015 15:21

Saying about lying was unnecessary, I didn't want to start a fight, not into fights or bickering!

Yes you can turn off chat for individual people. That's what I would do.

Original poster
bodenbiscuit · 04/10/2015 15:21

It's not repeated - he seems to do it about once a year.

Anyway, I've decide to be direct with him about it and say the references need to stop because it's inappropriate.

OP posts: