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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Married man asking questions about my sexual habits

192 replies

bodenbiscuit · 04/10/2015 12:16

This is dodgy isn't it? I've known him since we were children. Would you assume he was up to something?

OP posts:
StarkyTheDirewolf · 04/10/2015 13:54

Screen shot it definitely. If it were me, I'd probably initially treat it as a joke "ha-ha none of your business" etc. If he persisted I'd tell him to get lost, to stop asking me personal questions and if he brings it up again then tell him you are cutting contact and you have screen shot (shotted?!) His conversations.

If its making you uncomfortable, don't be passive. He sounds grim.

magoria · 04/10/2015 14:00

Reply to his next ones saying you are really not interested in sharing any of your sexual habit, underwear or clothing with him and to stop asking as it is creepy and predatory.

Accidentally cc everyone you know in on it.

ThePonyFormerlyKnownAsTony · 04/10/2015 14:01

Do you answer his questions?

I'm not sure I believe that anybody's naive enough to not know how to deal with this situation...

Original poster
bodenbiscuit · 04/10/2015 14:05

ThePony - it has happened before with people I didn't know and I told them they were inappropriate and blocked them. It's a bit different with him because I remember him as a child as much as an adult so it's hard for me to believe he would have bad intentions. Even though the evidence suggests otherwise.

OP posts:
ThePonyFormerlyKnownAsTony · 04/10/2015 14:06

So do you answer his questions? Or do you change the subject/ignore him/shut him down?

Tiggeryoubastard · 04/10/2015 14:08

You seem more bothered about the fact he's married than about the fact he sees you as a commodity. Something to supply wank fodder. You're an adult. Tell him to do one and block him. Personally I'd also tell his sister, not sure about his wife, but that's just me. Think you need to assess your self esteem and priorities in life.

Original poster
bodenbiscuit · 04/10/2015 14:08

Well usually the conversation would be normal - and he then suddenly slip in something odd.

OP posts:
Original poster
bodenbiscuit · 04/10/2015 14:09

Of course I don't like that he sees me as wank fodder but since I have no intention of fuelling his fantasises then the main victim is his wife - I should think this must be what he does. Generally.

OP posts:
Original poster
bodenbiscuit · 04/10/2015 14:10

ThePony - can you stop implying that this is somehow my fault? You now nothing about me and I hate victim blaming.

OP posts:
loveyoutothemoon · 04/10/2015 14:14

boden I don't think ThePony is implying this at all!

ThePonyFormerlyKnownAsTony · 04/10/2015 14:15

I'm absolutely not victim blaming, it's just, it's quite a different situation if you're engaging him in these chats or if you're shutting him down and he's persisting. I was just trying to obtain more information.

Anyway, I hope you find a resolution, he sounds like a sleazy twat.

Original poster
bodenbiscuit · 04/10/2015 14:16

'I'm not sure I believe that anyone's naive enough not to know how to deal with this situation'

That certainly makes it sounds as if I am lying and really I'm encouraging it or something.

OP posts:
Original poster
bodenbiscuit · 04/10/2015 14:18

I do shave problems with boundaries which is why I struggle to react when someone is out of order.

My friends have said that some men and women do have conversations about sex that are just factual but this is different isn't it

OP posts:
Original poster
bodenbiscuit · 04/10/2015 14:19

Have not shave!

OP posts:
loveyoutothemoon · 04/10/2015 14:21

It doesn't make you sound as though you are lying. God pipe down!

sleeponeday · 04/10/2015 14:22

Yes it does. And that was incredibly rude.

Siobhain37 · 04/10/2015 14:22

Just keep any conversations with him to regular day to day stuff if you want to maintain a good relationship with his sister. Just be civil and don't answer any questions about your underwear sex etc

Ginkypig · 04/10/2015 14:24

Hi boden

The advice to screenshot the conversations is very good.

It means when you shut him down for the final time if he turns nasty you have evidence to show the people you need to like his sister for example.

I know this is hurting you as you are close to the whole family and he is taking that away with his behaviour and I'm sorry for that.

You do need to set firm boundaries from now though, make it clear that you don't like this type of conversation with him, you see him like family and it wields you out.

I know that you have probably tried to play it down with him and in your head because you care for him and can't believe this man who you have known so long could actually not be the person you thought but all the evidence points to the fact it is not in your head and he has turned out to be not the man you cared for (in a friend way) all these years.

He has left you no choice but to be like steel, unbendable solid and like a wall unmovable.

to make it clear I am not saying any of this is your fault
All I'm saying is from now you need to have a clear head and shut down the friend feelings when dealing with this because actually he is not being a friend to you!

mummytime · 04/10/2015 14:26

My dad couldn't care less about my well being - I doubt he'd even flinch tbh*
*
This could well be where your problem with boundaries comes from. Why do you care what your parents think, if they don 't care about how you are treated?

tribpot · 04/10/2015 14:26

Men and women do have conversations about sex, yes. But this isn't a conversation. A conversation is when two people discuss a topic of mutual interest. You don't want to talk about this. Whatever his reasons for wanting to discuss it with you, you don't want to discuss it with him - and that absolutely should be the end of the matter.

The fact that he has repeatedly brought the subject up, despite the fact you have not responded to his questions or given any indication of wanting to discuss the topic, is evidence that he is not seeking a 'for information' conversation about sex with you. I hope you've shown these messages to your DH/DP if you have one?

Ginkypig · 04/10/2015 14:27

Haha not wields I meant weirds!

Original poster
bodenbiscuit · 04/10/2015 14:27

I agree.

He does not seem to be very interested in me as a person or my real life. I always ask about his children but he never asks about mine.

OP posts:
dickiedavisthunderthighs · 04/10/2015 14:28

loveyou your only contribution to this thread is to to butt in on a post that OP had directed at someone else and then essentially tell her to shut up when she defended herself, not very nice is it?

OP I thinks it's a really position difficult to be in when you're unsure of boundaries. The advice on here you've had is great, he is a sleaze and needs to be blocked.

Original poster
bodenbiscuit · 04/10/2015 14:29

In the past I have discussed sex with friends both male and female - I don't mind this but I do mind when he's suggesting he has intentions towards me.

OP posts:
ForChina · 04/10/2015 14:29

I'm not sure why you are spending time having Facebook chats with a married man, anyway.

Nobody is victim blaming (God MN loves its buzz phrases doesn't it!) and you are not a victim - some bloke has been sleazy to you so you don't talk to him again. It's not exactly hard to not talk to someone on Facebook, you just don't talk to them on Facebook! You can even switch chat off for specific people without them ever knowing or ever having to block them.