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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Married man asking questions about my sexual habits

192 replies

bodenbiscuit · 04/10/2015 12:16

This is dodgy isn't it? I've known him since we were children. Would you assume he was up to something?

OP posts:
Original poster
bodenbiscuit · 04/10/2015 17:27

If he messages me again I will block him. But I don't think it will continue now.

OP posts:
thehypocritesoaf · 04/10/2015 17:28

Cool- you are feisty enough on here- now carry some of that feistiness in real life Flowers

MatrixReloaded · 04/10/2015 17:30

Victim blaming doesn't apply here. As a pp said there is no victim.

I don't accept that a inappropriate message from a man once a year makes someone a victim .

Original poster
bodenbiscuit · 04/10/2015 17:37

Hypocritesoaf - I will try, thank you! About a year ago I was contacted on a dating site by the husband of a woman I had known all my life. I blocked him immediately and told her and she discovered his profile on the dating website and thanked me for telling her. For some reason I didn't feel as able to be as assertive this time. But as I say, I do think this is over now.

OP posts:
SilverBirchWithout · 04/10/2015 17:39

Being the unwilling recipient of any unreciprocated sexual advance (verbal or physical) makes a person a victim, in my opinion.

MissApple · 04/10/2015 18:16

I spent a lot of time with their family when we were children so it feels harder to deal with

This guy is conditioning you. What a creep. You feel you cant say anything as your parents are friends - and this is how these 'offenders' work. What would you do if he was messaging your 14 year old daughter and she thought what you have said above? Now you get the drift?

Original poster
bodenbiscuit · 04/10/2015 18:25

Miss Apple - I've told him to pack it in.

OP posts:
ForChina · 05/10/2015 00:07

Being the unwilling recipient of any unreciprocated sexual advance (verbal or physical) makes a person a victim, in my opinion.

WTAF? So if you're in a bar and some man you don't really fancy comes onto you then you are a victim? If a married man comes on to you you are a victim? If a creepy guy who's your friend's brother makes suggestive comments to you on Facebook you're a victim?

Get a grip. You do real victims of sexual abuse or assault no favours with this ridiculous attitude.

OP I wasn't suggesting that there's anything wrong with talking to married men, but when you are (what sounded like, before it turned into 'once a year') chatting with them regularly, it seems a little inappropriate to me. It's also surprising that you continued to chat with this person after even ONE sleazy comment. It makes me wonder why.

I'm glad you've told him to do one now.

SilverBirchWithout · 05/10/2015 00:31

Seriously it really is not OK for a man to come on to a woman in the blatant way the OP has described, unless there has been some obvious flirting in the first place.

You may think its OK to be asked about the type of knickers you are wearing in a bar. For me I would possibly consider that harassment, unless it was an obvious singles/hook-up place.

You seem to be saying woman are 'asking for trouble' talking to a married man on a regular basis. Well over half of my male FB friends are married/in relationships, not one of them has asked me about my sex life. Smile

TheStoic · 05/10/2015 02:02

Being the unwilling recipient of any unreciprocated sexual advance (verbal or physical) makes a person a victim, in my opinion.

I disagree, and I don't think turning people into victims is at all helpful. If my partner tries it on, but I'm not at all interested, does that make me a victim?

If it's ongoing...maybe. If I've told him not to...possibly. I certainly wouldn't call myself a victim in that instance.

Nobody has said what this guy is doing is ok. But that's a far cry from statements like that ^^.

MatrixReloaded · 05/10/2015 08:40

There's something really off when a grown women acts like a naive little girl.

Having filthy chats with a married man doesn't make her a victim. The only victim in this situation is the wife. Nobody's that naive that they need to ask if all men behave like this or if he's up to something dodgy.

It is what it is, filthy chats with a married man. The ops attempts to act like a shocked nun doesn't absolve her of any responsibility. And it absolutely does not make her a victim or mean she's been abused.

pinkyredrose · 05/10/2015 08:55

What Matrix said.

Original poster
bodenbiscuit · 05/10/2015 08:55

ForChina, I know what you're saying but I did explain about the boundary issues. And he hasn't sent me any more messages at all since I told him it was inappropriate. funny that!

I'm not going to bother defending myself any more because nobody here knows me - if you want to think I was trying to come on to him that's up to you. I certainly do feel sorry for his wife.

OP posts:
Original poster
bodenbiscuit · 05/10/2015 09:00

I've had chats on Facebook with my ex boyfriends who were married and it was all just normal chat and they did not slip in questions about sexual behaviour.

OP posts:
Original poster
bodenbiscuit · 05/10/2015 09:02

Oh and I told my parents about it and my mum was particularly shocked about it.

OP posts:
MatrixReloaded · 05/10/2015 14:01

Nobody has said you were trying to come on to him.

mummytime · 05/10/2015 14:56

Matrix - that is exactly what I understood from "Having filthy chats with a married man doesn't make her a victim."

What exactly did you mean if you weren't blaming her?

I really don't think if you can't say something constructive you should bother to post. It did come across as bullying to be honest.

Original poster
bodenbiscuit · 05/10/2015 15:00

Well I don't really understand your point, Matrix. I've already established that i don't handle situations with people the way I should, often. I've been in situations where men have been abusive towards me during sex and rather than telling them to leave, I just kind of froze or even saw them again later. I'm not happy that I am like this.

He and I have some similar interests and as children we did get on really well so I initially found his conversation engaging and I thought it was harmless. He slipped the comments in like 'oh, we were at the pub earlier - you remember that one by X - you used to live there didn't you? There was a woman there with a tight jeans on - do you wear tight jeans?' It's not fair to say that I enjoy having 'filthy discussions' with married men.

OP posts:
MatrixReloaded · 05/10/2015 15:32

Sadly I think most women have found themselves in an abusive situation and these situations are very difficult to deal with.

However this isn't a situation. It's words on a screen. Your screen. You can choose to respond or not. You can choose to turn the screen on or off. You can politely say you haven't got time to chat or that you're out with friends. I often don't respond to messages for weeks. You didn't have to have these conversations with him.

I really don't understand why you've asked if he's up to something then detailed how he wants to sleep with you.

MatrixReloaded · 05/10/2015 15:42

Mummy I meant exactly what I said. Having filthy chats with a married man doesn't make her a victim.

If she wants to have these chats then she can. Pretending to be naive or unable to prevent these chats isn't reasonable behaviour from a grown woman.

Original poster
bodenbiscuit · 05/10/2015 15:44

I wasn't having 'filthy' chats - you are projecting that, matrix.

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Original poster
bodenbiscuit · 05/10/2015 15:46

It just smacks of a kind of misogynist attitude that it must always be the woman's fault somehow because women are temptresses and men are fools, incapable of controlling their urges.

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Original poster
bodenbiscuit · 05/10/2015 15:48

The comment about wanting to sleep with was after I started the thread.

But as I said I have made it clear that he doesn't send me any such messages again. And he hasn't contacted me since which is a relief.

OP posts:
Gabilan · 05/10/2015 15:56

"Nobody's that naive that they need to ask if all men behave like this or if he's up to something dodgy"

Some people are very good at manipulating people. From the sounds of things this man is relying on having known the OP for a long time and her being friends with his family. He can then say something slightly off which, if he's questioned on it, can be dismissed as a joke or her misinterpreting things. Once that level of prurience is established he can then ratchet it up, all the while back-footing her by repeating the fact that he's an old friend she's known for years so he wouldn't say something dodgy, would he? It's a combination of her naivety (sorry OP but I know you've pretty much said as much yourself) and his ability to manipulate which makes this a toxic mix.

I don't think any of this necessarily makes the OP a victim but I can understand why she sought advice. Manipulative people are very good at making you doubt yourself - it's how they operate.

Original poster
bodenbiscuit · 05/10/2015 15:59

I don't think that I am a victim in this case - but I was having trouble doubting myself about confronting him. Once I said it to him it was easy.

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