Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Still shaking, old neighbour asked me for sex

284 replies

Frecklesandspecs · 02/10/2015 16:09

Ok, please help. I'm still shaking...
I have one old neighbour whose wife died a little while ago. I've been pleasant to him and had a chat now again. Made him a meal or two when wife died.

Today he came round my house (was home with ds3) and kind of just walked in uninvited.
He said 'he needed a thing or two from a woman now and again and Wold I do a few minutes for £60. I said no way! He said more? I said I don't do anything like that and wouldn't ever consider it.

I'm devastated. Am I over reacting?
He's in his 80's and I don't even want to go out now.

OP posts:
DiscoGoGo · 03/10/2015 11:26

Oh I'm so pleased.

The reason I was so interested is that I've had zero interest from the police about stuff not dissimilar to this, but I didn't want to say anything and put you off for obvious reasons, especially as it was a few years ago and the police say they are taking stuff more seriously now.

That's great and so reassuring that they are going to come round and have a chat Smile

Do let us know how you get on, and well done Smile Everything will be Fine.

Original poster
Frecklesandspecs · 03/10/2015 11:37

That's a shame disco, I was hoping I could just report it tbh and leave it on record as I'm worried about any come back from his family etc and maybe why I didn't speak to them first, but they pretty much insisted someone come around and said probably someone would have to go to his house to see him.
I'm very nervous but at the end of the day, he shouldn't really get away with it and if he does have dementia it should be seen to I guess.
The officer told me to call 999 if I had any more incidents between now and then. This is the met police Disco, I wonder if it differed slightly by region? X
Incidentally, he went around to my other neighbour last night (her husband was there) to have coffee so he couldn't have felt too guilty about it?

TY FYCATH Flowers

OP posts:
RealHuman · 03/10/2015 11:42

CakeFlowersBrew

Well done Freckles.

DiscoGoGo · 03/10/2015 11:42

If you tell the police your concerns about comeback they will talk to you about how they want to approach it as well I think.

I absolutely think you have done the right thing.

I am the Met as well and have found them to be resoundingly useless, the times in my life that I have had any interaction with them, expect for once where I think their response was based on the fact that it was something that happened in my parents posh neighbourhood! Maybe I'm too cynical. (I'm not Grin)

Tuesday isn't so far off, don't worry about it, if they are taking it seriously and told you to call 999 etc then they will be super nice and understanding I'm sure. Smile

RealHuman · 03/10/2015 11:42

Are you feeling okay?

Original poster
Frecklesandspecs · 03/10/2015 11:48

That's interesting Disco, Maybe they have upped their game.
I'm feeling much better today realhuman, thank you.

OP posts:
DiscoGoGo · 03/10/2015 11:50

Yes I think that they have been told to pull their fingers out after all the stuff over the last few years. Which is as it should be! I'm so glad that they are giving this attention.

What are you going to do today, something nice and relaxing maybe Smile

Original poster
Frecklesandspecs · 03/10/2015 12:09

Ty Disco.
Nothing too exciting today, how about you?
Husband has not been to see him yet. I'm not sure he will.
We are separating ways in a few weeks so it's a bit sticky in that area.

OP posts:
DiscoGoGo · 03/10/2015 12:16

Would your H not do that, if you just say look the police are going to deal with it and so it's probably better left to them, or something.

We're not doing much today I'm worn out so just put a film on and given the kids some popcorn that'll keep them quiet for a bit Grin

Sorry to hear you are separating, a very stressful time all round you don't need this on top of it Flowers

juneau · 03/10/2015 13:21

I'd let the police deal with it, rather than your DH, who may get angry and heated and that's not going to help.

Well done for reporting it OP.

Fadingmemory · 03/10/2015 14:20

You will not have given him any encouragement whatsoever. He is lonely and sexually frustrated and he has tried his luck because you are nearby. Don't either acknowledge or speak to him again. Just keep completely out of his way. Very unfortunate that you may now feel uncomfortable or unsafe in your own home but hope he gets the message.

amarmai · 03/10/2015 15:57

good work op! This is a credit in the courage bank which you can recall and spur yourself on to act when next you feel hesitant. Since you will be on your own with your kids you are going to need thta courage.
Btw who knocks on doors and asks to come in for coffee? Not me. I wait for an invite or i do the inviting but i do not invite myself.

Original poster
Frecklesandspecs · 03/10/2015 17:20

Thank you for all your lovely encouragement. It means a lot. Flowers

Today, I went outside to take the kids to their friend's house.
He saw me and started walking over. I went quickly back inside to tell h and he came downstairs and went out to speak to him. He told him that he needed to speak to him when his so. was there too. He started saying ' why can't you just speak to me?.

Then he dawdled off and h went back inside. I went out again to the car and he tried to come over again. H saw him and I just asked h to wait there until we'd driven off.

OP posts:
Original poster
Frecklesandspecs · 03/10/2015 17:21

I didn't say a word or look at him and drove off with the kids.

OP posts:
RealHuman · 03/10/2015 17:22

Maybe mention when the police come that he keeps trying to make contact with you?

Jasonandyawegunorts · 03/10/2015 17:26

I didn't say a word or look at him and drove off with the kids.

Good, that's the right thing to do.

Mention it to the police.

Original poster
Frecklesandspecs · 03/10/2015 17:31

Yes, real. Maybe he was trying to say sorry or something but I don't want to know as it might not be that at all.
He didn't indicate to my husband that he knew what he wanted to talk about but didn't seem to want his son there.
H won't speak to him unless the son is there too.

OP posts:
Coconutty · 03/10/2015 17:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Frecklesandspecs · 03/10/2015 17:41

Lol coconutty, God, thanks we're a bit quicker than them!! Wink

OP posts:
Liomsa · 03/10/2015 18:20

You did the right thing, OP. If I think about it, what I find most disturbing is not so much that he propositioned you, but that he thought that a neighbouring mother of three small children would prostitute herself to him for money as a matter of course. That level of foresight doesn't sound like dementia to me - that would be sudden uncharacteristic disinhibition, groping, nudity etc etc. It sounds like someone who feels entitled to women's services, whether domestic or sexual. And if his wife is dead, and you cook for him at times, he doesn't see why you wouldn't be equally willing to provide sex.

I had a man in his 80s put his hand inside my pants in an old people's home when I was ten. This summer I was sitting at the bar in a pub in Ireland and an old man on the next stool that I got talking to was first sort of nudging my arm, then my breast, and then started grabbing my breast. No dementia. He was perfectly lucid and lives independently.

I gathered from the amused reactions of other regulars that 'oh, he's always like that, he has an eye for the ladies!' As though old men can't be sexual predators.

Which is of course why my school class was sent visiting an old people's home with no safeguarding in 1982.

Original poster
Frecklesandspecs · 03/10/2015 18:50

Oh Liomsa, so sorry to hear that. What a horrid experience. I also had some SA as a child but it was not an elderly person. (also 80's)
It's horrible when others think it's funny too when you feel so small and humiliated.
I see your point. If he propositioned me, as married mother of three, what about a single person maybe?
What annoyed me most is that my children were around.

OP posts:
amarmai · 03/10/2015 20:31

He's worried now because your h is asking to speak to his son and he knows why. Follow thru on your plans to stop this man in his tracks. He didn't even sidle up to his disgusting offer-but came right out with it after trapping you in your own hallway. The police are taking it seriously altho i have a feeling you didn't state what happened in the baldest terms? Doubt this is the first time he's done this sort of thing. It was way too brazen for that. Notice how he was hanging around outside and approaching you immediately as soon as you came out to put your cc in the car. Notice too how he retreated when your h confronted him then came back AGAIN to try to soft soap you when your h went back into the house. WOW talk about persistent and on the ball. There's no dementia operating here. You are def doing the right thing protecting yourself and your cc. Ask the police to warn him to stay off your property and not to attempt to contact you in any way. If he does continue you can get a restraining order as you have already laid the groundwork with the police.

Starkswillriseagain · 03/10/2015 20:46

Good luck for tuesday Freckles. Just keep shutting him out until then and if he gets aggressive or intimidating again then call the Police.

Original poster
Frecklesandspecs · 03/10/2015 20:49

Thank you Armani, very wise. It wouldn't seem so would it?
He seemed pretty on the ball. Crafty so and so!
I've been watching out of my (closed curtains/peeping) window much of the day. The only time I've seen him out there was when I went out.
I think he's worried too. He probably thought I wouldn't tell anyone.
Makes my stomach churn.

OP posts:
Original poster
Frecklesandspecs · 03/10/2015 20:52

Ty stark, fingers crossed it will be ok. Do you think I'd be able to have someone there with me or not?
H will be at work but just wondering if I could ask the neighbour I told to come and sit in on it.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread