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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Still shaking, old neighbour asked me for sex

284 replies

Frecklesandspecs · 02/10/2015 16:09

Ok, please help. I'm still shaking...
I have one old neighbour whose wife died a little while ago. I've been pleasant to him and had a chat now again. Made him a meal or two when wife died.

Today he came round my house (was home with ds3) and kind of just walked in uninvited.
He said 'he needed a thing or two from a woman now and again and Wold I do a few minutes for £60. I said no way! He said more? I said I don't do anything like that and wouldn't ever consider it.

I'm devastated. Am I over reacting?
He's in his 80's and I don't even want to go out now.

OP posts:
AnchorDownDeepBreath · 02/10/2015 16:31

What do you mean he "kind of" walked in uninvited? Had you let him in? Did you call out to let himself in? Was the door ajar?

I wouldn't cry, he's come to the wrong conclusion somehow but he's probably mortified. It's no reflection on you - he's not judging you if he was willing to buy your services!

I'm not sure if closing your curtains and locking the door are necessary, or if it's an anxiety reaction and you'd feel better just dismissing it as something really odd and carrying on as normal. I'd definitely open the curtains, and the door would probably depend on how he let himself in. Mine can't be opened from the outside anyway, as standard. That's probably a sensible precaution with little ones.

Original poster
Frecklesandspecs · 02/10/2015 16:33

Thank you bjrce, and ty for reading them. Flowers

OP posts:
thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 02/10/2015 16:33

But agree with Florriesma about seeking advice if he attempts similar again.

Sorry what any awful thing to happen to you and no it's him not you!

Thanks
lorelei9 · 02/10/2015 16:35

Oh no
It's not you OP
Sadly a lot of men think if you haven't got a man around you'll be willing to schtup them
He probably only offered money due to the age gap.
I understand why you feel awful. So would I, but it is him and not you.

InimitableJeeves · 02/10/2015 16:35

I think it is highly likely that he is disinhibited due to early dementia. I really wouldn't involve the police, OP, but simply detach yourself and make sure no-one can walk into your house without invitation. If his behaviour continues to cause you concern, call social services.

Original poster
Frecklesandspecs · 02/10/2015 16:37

Anchor, no I opened the door and kept him on the doorstep as I was going out and had just out my boy in the car. I walked out and he'd come into the hallway as I'd left door open to return for some stuff

OP posts:
howtorebuild · 02/10/2015 16:37

It's not your fault. My late 70's neighbour thought I fancied him because I was nice, though didn't offer me money.

WyrdByrd · 02/10/2015 16:38

I'm inclined to agree with Anchor - he's probably made a whacking error of judgement and is absolutely mortified, however, having had a very quick look at your recent threads you're obviously having a rough time atm and it's understandable that you feel anxious and upset.

Assuming that your DH wouldn't be up to the job, do you have dad/brother, male friend (or friend's DH) who could pop round and have a calm but firm word with him?

CorbynsTopButton · 02/10/2015 16:38

This sounds really traumatic OP Flowers

Silly question perhaps, but are you sure that's what he meant? Could there be any other "woman's work" he could be referring to?

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 02/10/2015 16:41

£60 for ironing for a few minutes? - doesn't seem likely really.

CorbynsTopButton · 02/10/2015 16:42

No, you're right, it doesn't. Sorry.

Original poster
Frecklesandspecs · 02/10/2015 16:43

No Corbyns, absolutely sure..... Sad
Thank you everyone, sorry for waffling on again on here (and other posts!)
I don't have family around unfortunately and have no idea how h would react.
I think I may ring my friend in a bit though. I think it's because I'm a bit stressed out already in my situ with h that it's made it worse. X

OP posts:
toastedbeagle · 02/10/2015 16:43

That's awful. I'd probably tell the police, would make me feel very uncomfortable. Frontal lobe dementia can definitely affect sexual inhibition though, if you had any other concerns about his behaviour? Has he any other family you could have a word with?!

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 02/10/2015 16:44

I know what you mean Corbyn but I can't think of anything domestic that you could really command £60 for a few minutes.

Original poster
Frecklesandspecs · 02/10/2015 16:46

Yes, his son lives with him toasted but I don't really know him very well.
I don't understand anything much about dementia, maybe I should read a bit on it. I guess it's a possibility!

OP posts:
DadOnIce · 02/10/2015 16:48

I'm not sure why it's so unreasonable to suggest he might have dementia, one side-effect of which is that it causes him to behave in a socially unacceptable and uninhibited way.

The other alternative is that 80-year-old men in full control of their faculties would normally ask women who are not prostitutes for sex in return for money.

Which of those options is a bit more of a stretch?

RealHuman · 02/10/2015 16:50

I would involve the police - you have been made to feel unsafe in your own home and it's up to services to decide if this is an unwell man with dementia or not. If not, he has done something that as far as I'm aware is at the very least antisocial behavioir and something to tell the police about. If he is ill, then alerting the authorities may be the first step to getting him the help he needs as a vulnerable person.

Either way, they'll be used to dealing with this sort of thing and they will decide what is best to do - it's not your burden to decide whether he's unwell or not.

mudandmayhem01 · 02/10/2015 16:50

My friends previously lovely dad has dementia and he asked my daughter and his granddaughter if they were sexually active, they are 11! He would be so ashamed if he knew what he had said. He has reached the stage in his dementia where he can never be left alone so at least he is not a direct risk to any one. I didn't report him to the police fwiw.

goblinhat · 02/10/2015 16:52

Sorry but I think it's funny.

Skiptonlass · 02/10/2015 16:53

I think you (and your husband there to provide support) need to speak to his son.

Yes, he may be a grubby old lech but inappropriate sexual advances (both verbal and alas physical) are a sign of dementia.

Regardless of the guys age, that must have been a very upsetting experience for you.

Original poster
Frecklesandspecs · 02/10/2015 16:54

What if he actually did anything though mud? I don't know, would they just go as far as saying it or could something else happen?
Still going to have to read up on it!

OP posts:
StayWithMe · 02/10/2015 16:57

Sorry but I think it's funny

Sorry but I think anyone who thinks another person's distress is funny is an arse.

goblinhat · 02/10/2015 16:59

I don't think the OP's distress is funny- I think the brass neck of the neighbour is.

MrsSadness · 02/10/2015 16:59

Grow up Goblin. You sound like a nasty piece of work.

OP I'm not surprised you're feeling shaky. I would speak to the police on the 101 number.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 02/10/2015 17:00

Second Stay

Would it be 'funny' if the neighbour was in his 30's or 40's perhaps? Hmm