Still shaking, old neighbour asked me for sex

[Frecklesandspecs]

Ok, please help. I'm still shaking...
I have one old neighbour whose wife died a little while ago. I've been pleasant to him and had a chat now again. Made him a meal or two when wife died.

Today he came round my house (was home with ds3) and kind of just walked in uninvited.
He said 'he needed a thing or two from a woman now and again and Wold I do a few minutes for £60. I said no way! He said more? I said I don't do anything like that and wouldn't ever consider it.

I'm devastated. Am I over reacting?
He's in his 80's and I don't even want to go out now.

Thanks again all, it will be interesting to know but I guess I probably never will.
He is currently at the back by garages with his son and grandsons (early 20's) tinkering with a car.
H told him yesterday he needed to talk with him and his son but they've not been around. I'm sure he hasn't told him.
His son seems quite an approachable person. Should we just leave it until Tuesday?

Unfortunately, the early symptoms of dementia can present very much not like what we consider to be the symptoms of dementia! My relative was an extremely clever person and hid her dementia very well for a long time. The first signs of Alzheimer's that she exhibited were not confusion or memory loss but a lack of social cues - she would invade personal space, assume intense relationships with acquaintances and more or less stalk people. At times, far from appearing like she couldn't put together a plan to save herself, she actually appeared very cold, manipulative and calculating. I had huge problems trying to get other people and organisations to realise that she had dementia because of this. Five years later she lives in a locked dementia unit.

This neighbour may just be a predatory git, he may also be ill. Either way this needs to be reported to the police. If he is ill it will mean that social services will become involved which will make things a lot easier for his relatives as, often, trying to get the authorities to recognise someone as having dementia is an absolute nightmare.

You have done absolutely the right thing OP. Sorry to hear you went through this, I hope you feel safe again in your own home soon.

Well h went to have a quick word. (thought he was going to speak to both him and son but seems to have changed his mind).
He came back and said ' he knows what he's done wrong and was very cagey' He obviously doesn't want his son to know.
I think this is as far as h is going to go so I just told him I'll deal with myself. (haven't told him yet I've got the police coming, but that is what I meant)
Feel a bit let down by h but hey, I guess I can't expect much more right now.

Does this still feel like dementia?

The thing is no one knows whether it is or not and no one on here can tell you either way.

HCP here have said they think it could be. You have put it in the hands of ge police now. Let them deal with it.

yes op to the extent that he was looking in windows, sitting in my backyard at night drinking beer and leaving the bottles and smoking and leaving the butts and the wrapper from the gum he chewed before he hopped back over the fence to go back to his wife-who eventually left him. He repeatedly tried to force open my aluminum back door and first bent then broke the handle off. He broke the garage outside light the day after it was put up after yelling at me about it blinding him the same night from a distance of 300+yds .He propositioned me immediately after my h left and many other acts of harassment -none of which was taken seriously by the police as this was 40 years ago. I am soo happy that the police are willing to take action on your behalf. This man ,who has solicited sexual services for money from you while trapping you in your own hallway, is watching you and has targeted you. He IS dangerous. He wanders into the garage area when you are there and that would be an excellent place for him to go further. And he is planning to go further. He is hovering outside your front door waiting to accost you again. Is it women with children whose doors he is knocking on and inviting himself in - or maybe he is just walking in as he did with you ? You need some type of legal order to forbid him from approaching or contacting you. When you invited him for dinner was he pulling a sad face about missing his wife's cooking or did he just sit around in your house while you were preparing food for your family until your niceness and politeness caused you to invite him to stay and eat as he was not leaving anyway? The neighbour who did not allow politeness and niceness to trap her into doing what he was asking her to do-coffee- is she willing to be with you while the policeman is there to give you support? She sounds like the right kind of ally. I hope the other woman who is serving him coffee will heed your warning because after you move she may be the next sexual target. The thing is if he were to physically force someone who had 'invited' him into her house , this would muddy the waters in the eyes of judge and jury. Please be paranoid enuf to not give your new address to anyone in that neighbourhood. If he has a fixation on you he may try to track you down. Also who knows if he could try something with a child? I was following the thread about pedophilia and took from the 100s of pp that sexual attacks on children may have nothing to do with pedophilia and everything to do with an easy victim. Be safe and don't go into the garage area or any other possible place where you could be attacked unless someone can go with you. Tell the policeman the full story -he's paid to listen to it , and do not excuse this man by bringing up dementia. Clear that up as you go along with your report and say this sounds like his mind is focussed and he is planning and targetting you.

amarai You do seem to be projecting a lot on this thread.

The OP has said that the police brought up dementia themselves when she reported it.

As pp have said, unless you know the person, completed full assessments, neither you nor anyone else knows whether the NDN is ill or not.

Reality is no one can say either way.

amarmaI With all respect to you and what you have been through, I'm not sure telling the OP to dismiss dementia and tell the police this man is absolutely focused on her, isn't the best idea.

The best thing the OP can do is explain what she has here, as honestly as possible and let the police deal with it.

Also although the OP is scared and nervous, I have a feeling in a flight or fight situation she would be able to over power or push over a man in his 80's.

Well, whichever it is, both him and h seem to think it's all over after their little chat!
I'm not going to back down, I was upset and he needs help.
I'm so glad I won't be here much longer.

Freckles

As soon as you talk to the police they will have it on record, it will be a major help if he does anything to anyone else again.

Yes Jasonand, it's in their hands now.

Jason I would be cautious about advising a man in his 80s can easily be overpowered. I may be wrong assuming you are a man, but for a slight woman a fit and strong man in his 80s might not be the easy pushover that it would be for you.

I personally don't think this man has dementia, but like anyone else (HCP or not) we don't know. However it is potentially dangerous for the OP to feel any empathy (which all the posts about dementia can indirectly encourage) for this neighbour and certainly not relevant or her problem.

True, I wouldn't like to bet I could have him. He's quite a lot bigger than me. Certainly not a 'frail' elderly man.

My dh is 79 and he finds it appalling that any man of any age would make such an approach. He also said it was even more shocking from someone of his generation as he was brought up to respect and protect women. He also said:"The dirty buggier should be locked up!"

Thank him Pran!

It's a hell of a leap from mooching meals at your house to soliciting sex for money from you. Did you have any hints that he had sex on his agenda? Maybe the comments re not seeing husband around much was code for that. Did he come up with any other hints? I think you said he came into your personal space too. You'll find your brain recontextualisng things now you know what he was after. Also he has to have done other stuff like this to have the gall to approach a young wife with children in her own home in such a manner. The police may have form on him already. Plus he was so anxious for his son not to know , as his son would know about previous form. He and your h may think they've settled this . Maybe don't warn them and do what you're going to have to do in future anyway= look after yourself and your children. Kudos to you-you're doing a great job already.

Aw Freckles really dismayed to read he's tried to approach you again! I'm glad you've got your nice neighbour and the Police involved (agree if she's willing to have her present when the police cone round) fingers crossed for Tuesday x

Amarmai, he didn't even come to eat meals here. I took them round to him to eat. I've never actually 'invited' him in for coffee or anything.
Yes, Amari, he's been a bit too close for comfort before.
The last time was a few weeks ago (I've said this before up thread) when I was cleaning out my car one day, I turned around and he was right behind me. He's often come wandering around when I've gone around to the garages and he's always inviting me in for 'coffee'.
In the summer, he kept on about him wanting to show me this park where I could take the kids to. Thank God I never went.
All these things before I thought were him probably just wanting a chat, feeling lonely and maybe just grabbing the chance to talk to someone.
Now, as you say, maybe it wasn't that at all.
Maybe I was naïve and felt sorry for him.

Thank you thatwouldbe, this thread will be helpful as I've been putting down thoughts and what I remember as I go along.

Well done for phoning freckles.
Whenever you go outside, have your phone in your hand and have a practice at phoning 999 with it on lock etc (obviously not pressing call).
Might be worth if you go to your garage, locking your front door behind you as you go, so no one can sneak in.
Hopefully the police will help.
Maybe start writing dates/times down, it seems like you might remember, but if he tries to approach you every day before Tuesday, you won't remember what time each event was etc

Not sure why you feel let down by your stbxh. He spoke to him about his actions. What more could he do?

He'd said he would speak to him and his son together (meaning a proper chat) he'd just met the man by himself for a minute outside and seemed to be fairly amused when he came back. That's all.

In other words I don't think either of them have taken it seriously at all and think it's all under the carpet now they've exchanged a few words.

Don't worry too much about what he MIGHT do, just about what he DID. It was thoroughly inappropriate. It wasn't a hanging offence.

It's not naive to want to help someone in a pickle, Freckles. Not at all.
He has wronged you by taking advantage of your niceness - that's not your error, it's all his doing. Whatever the reason, it was still wrong. Please don't take any responsibility at all. It would be a pity if this left you unwilling to offer sensible help in the future, but that's something to worry about later. For the record, you were sensible and you weren't naive.

Your STBX saying the man was 'cagey' could mean he didn't recall doing it or that he didn't want his son finding out. Either way, it seems he was as much use as a chocolate teapot!