Still shaking, old neighbour asked me for sex

[Frecklesandspecs]

Ok, please help. I'm still shaking...
I have one old neighbour whose wife died a little while ago. I've been pleasant to him and had a chat now again. Made him a meal or two when wife died.

Today he came round my house (was home with ds3) and kind of just walked in uninvited.
He said 'he needed a thing or two from a woman now and again and Wold I do a few minutes for £60. I said no way! He said more? I said I don't do anything like that and wouldn't ever consider it.

I'm devastated. Am I over reacting?
He's in his 80's and I don't even want to go out now.

Justaboy Priest's, don't they let them marry nowadays?

Don't want to derail the thread but no, Catholic priests don't marry but sometimes married Anglican priests transfer and they can keep their wives

MerryInthechelseahotel Thanks for that info .

Freckles I hope you get on well with reporting it and I'd be really interested to hear how you get on too

My dad made some very innapropriate sexual remarks when he had alzheimer's - remarks he would never in a million years have made if he were not ill. But - he had alzheimer's for nearly ten years- the innapropriate remarks didn't start until if was well advanced and very obvious to anyone that he had dementia, in the earlier stages when he could still remember who people were and function reasonably well he never said anything like that - it was really only in the two years/eighteen months of his illness that he said such things - by which time he was physically incapable of looking after himself and quite clearly very ill mentally.

I think one has to be careful of bandying dementia around as a cause for innapropriateness - it could already increase the stigma and mockery that dementia sufferers have to put up with if this is considered an everyday early sign of dementia -in my personal experience the other more recognisable symptoms appear first.

It sounds like a very unpleasant experience OP, I think you are quite right to report it - it is totally unacceptable, and you need to feel safe from him. (And if by chance there is some underlying lllness with this man, then that can be investigated and help sought)

the thing is this did not come out of the blue op. You have caught him being too close for comfort and watching you. Also your son being in the car where you needed to get back to him and this man going inside your house when you had to go back to get your stuff and lock up but couldn't because he had you trapped in the narrow hallway- all of this PLUS what he said. Did he have the money in his hand ? Him knocking on female neighbours' doors and asking to come in for coffee- it's not just you. He's a danger and there will be other incidents - and maybe already have been. Hope you are not hesitating still to report him.

Thank you for that insight Kuri , it's helpful to hear that side as well.
Amari, he didn't have it in his hand no, but yes, I did feel trapped in that moment with my child in the car and me inside with him.
I've spoken to h, (even though we're on verge of separating) He was pretty angry and wants to talk with the son tomorrow.
He says if son doesn't take it seriously, it will become a police matter.
I've also told my other female neighbour to be aware. She says she does not think he has dementia btw. (where he often goes around to).

OP, you are not wrong or overreacting
He may have dementia or not. He may miss his wife. He may be a cynical manipulative and controlled individual who has targeted you because you have been pleasant/or he sees you as vulnerable e.g. young children/marriage issues. He may be a stalker, he may be trying similar with other people. I know which I am betting on but that doesn't matter at all because the end result is the same.

the point is that it is not your problem to deal with alone. He has approached you and made you feel shaky, vulnerable and unsafe in your home, when your young child is in the car. You owe him nothing, it doesn't matter whether he has been the nicest ever neighbour, you don't have to sweep this under the carpet because he might be confused/lonely/dementing.
You matter, your feelings and the effect this has on you matters, and you don't have to worry about the consequences this may have for him. You are completely justified in contacting the police over this. If he has a dementia issue then this might be the trigger for help and a family wakeup call, if he's just a filthy letch then this is the notice he needs that his behaviour is unacceptable.

I have once, professionally had to report someone to the police for a bit of information that was given to me by an individual. It was very covert, a sort of tentative, trying the waters suggestion during an unrelated chat, alluding to but not mentioning exactly a very serious sexual crime: and I spent hours and hours agonising over the decision to report: was I imagining it/was that really what had been said or implied/was I leaving a vulnerable individual at risk if I failed to report or by reporting would I screw up the life of an already screwed up individual. A senior colleague who I asked for advice cut through all this for me; basically the decision should not be on one person alone, it was not my place to make a judgement on whether the person was a danger but if my suspicions were raised to pass the matter along to people who could act and take responsibility for the outcome. I cant really say how it all turned out other than I am glad I did not take the responsibility to make any decision about the situation alone, and that the police and appropriately trained people were involved

Didactylos, thank you. I guess I do feel a bit vulnerable ATM. H is home late at night so I'm usually my myself with the children in the week.
I guess I felt sorry for him after his wife died. Now, I feel as if I'm not even a person to him now so I'm not going to wallow.

I'm starting to feel more angry the more I think about it.
I'm going to sleep on it and think about how to phrase it when I contact 101.

There's obviously a side to him I don't know so for that part I'm going to be very careful.

Specs, I really think it would be best to speak to the police and not involve anyone else. Reason is that you and your soon to be ex H are likely to have enough grief between you or there soon will be. Perhaps best not to add this one in too?.

Also we don't know if he has done this to anyone else despite the illness he may be or may not be suffering from. If he is then they are probably best placed to do something about that. If he is indeed compos mentis then they may well give him a good rollicking not to try it on with anyone again.

I am not a lawyer but i'd somehow expect that they would have a job charging him as it will be your word against his and there will be his side of the story and yours and there are or where no witnesses. I suppose if this has happened before then they might be able to do something via the force of the law.

I hope you are ok and feel safe tonight.
Very unmumsnetty hug to you if that's allowed

there may be previous reports and there may be future reports. Worse may happen . When you report you are laying a paper trail which can contribute to future action on the part of the police. It will help you to report as you will feel empowered by having taken action on behalf of your and your ccs safety. It may also help someone else down the road. Good you are getting angry. That is a healthy response. Write out what you would like to say to the police and revise and practice it before you call. Make bullet points in large print on a card to keep with you while you phone. You will feel stronger and more confident after you take action. Since you are separating this will be good practice for taking action in the future.

Yes Justaboy you are right. Maybe I shouldn't have told him. I stopped him going around there tonight. We also had a fairly decent chat about the separation after though which helped. (hoping he won't change mind tomorrow)
I did ask God for a last clear 'sign' I should leave. Do you think this is it?
Amari, yes, I wanted to just recall everything that was said and think about it with a clear (er) mind.
Ty Didactylos

Just thinking about this who to tell / who not to tell stuff.

Part of the whole problem with this stuff is that women and girls are taught not to tell / to be careful who they tell / not to tell everyone. Why? If he had come into your house and tried to steal your coat or sell you something obviously stolen it wouldn't be a "thing", it'd be "OMG the next door neighbour tried to steal my coat!" or whatever, to people if you felt like it.

This way, it's like he's put a "thing" on you - you now have this interaction with him that you need to dwell on and angst over and should I tell X person or Y person and so on and so forth.

So please proceed how you want to, without dwelling on that stuff.

I do think that as a society (and this is a separate point) we need to talk about this stuff, as otherwise people (men who don't do it) are happily oblivious that it goes on so much. Like upthread where a poster thought that the idea this old man had done this because he wanted to, not because he was ill, was really unlikely. It's not unlikely at all! Stuff like this happens all the time and the sooner we start being more open about it as a society the better it will be for people it happens to and the more they will be believed and etc.

OP I hope you are OK today. I'd be really interested if you decide to report what they say. I do hope you are feeling alright.

Him knocking on female neighbours' doors and asking to come in for coffee -it's not just you

Ridiculous statement. So no one can have coffee with anyone anymore.....

Hope you are ok this morning op

Pressed too soon.

I'm glad ypu have told your DH, but I do think you need to call 101.

Freckles - there are many reasons why you should tackle this rather than your husband, but one is that if you don't do it, the neighbour will simply perceive that you can't look after yourself and is more likely to hassle you when your H is away.

Do hope you are ok today freckles and have managed to call the police
agree with DiscoGoGo, theres this learnt behaviour to doubt ourselves and our decisions in these areas
but remember how you felt, that is true and valid, and don't try and minimise it

Freckle
You really should let the police know as well, it is the kind of thing that needs to be reported to them.

I've done it!
Phoned 101, they said they'll have to come see me at home die to the nature of it and they'll come on Tuesday. (they did offer today but all my kids are home so thought next week better when they are at school)

They did ask if he had dementia btw, I said I hadn't noticed but it was definitely a possibility.

nd I never would have reported it if you lot hadn't coerced me into it!!

Well done.

They did ask if he had dementia btw, I said I hadn't noticed but it was definitely a possibility.

That's because it can be a symptom. Depending on which bits of the brain are effected by it.

Please keep us posted.

Thank you Jason. I'll update how it goes.

Well done, Freckles. I think you've dealt with this brilliantly and done exactly the right thing