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Original poster

Still shaking, old neighbour asked me for sex

284 replies

Frecklesandspecs · 02/10/2015 16:09

Ok, please help. I'm still shaking...
I have one old neighbour whose wife died a little while ago. I've been pleasant to him and had a chat now again. Made him a meal or two when wife died.

Today he came round my house (was home with ds3) and kind of just walked in uninvited.
He said 'he needed a thing or two from a woman now and again and Wold I do a few minutes for £60. I said no way! He said more? I said I don't do anything like that and wouldn't ever consider it.

I'm devastated. Am I over reacting?
He's in his 80's and I don't even want to go out now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Frecklesandspecs · 02/10/2015 18:37

Ok, can I do it anonymously do you think?
I guess at least they can advise.

OP posts:
NCISaddict · 02/10/2015 18:37

Dementia can and does have this effect on people who would never have made these sort of advances had they been in their right mind. It can affect the limbic system which governs inhibitions so people may strip off inappropriately, touch people or make advances which they would never have done previously. They really do have absolutely no idea that it could be wrong.

Unless he has always done this sort of thing you cannot say 'he's a creep and has always been a creep' Elendon

As a paramedic I often am on the receiving end of these sort of propositions , some patients have flags that mean single female responders do not go out to them. It is not their fault as such but you still have to keep yourself safe. Female dementia patients can often proposition and grope male carers too which puts them at risk too albeit in a slightly different way.

It is very sad.

Shutthatdoor · 02/10/2015 18:37

Flowers for you OP. I would maybe call 101 and ask for advice.

He's a creep and has always been a creep

Elendon you don't know that, unless you know him.

Shesinfashion · 02/10/2015 18:37

Would the police really be interested?

Jasonandyawegunorts · 02/10/2015 18:38

Would the police really be interested?

Yes

Lweji · 02/10/2015 18:39

Surely dementia would manifest itself in other ways too?

This is a big thing, in my non professional opinion, to come out in the absence of anything else. If you have been relatively close and supportive, I'd think you'd notice if something was not quite right.

Regardless, you don't have to suffer it and I'd report it.

Shutthatdoor · 02/10/2015 18:40

Would the police really be interested?

They would maybe record it.

Or it may be the gatekeeper to other services if this is the onset of dementia.

Florriesma · 02/10/2015 18:41

You don't know he has dementia. If he has then yes there is potential to act. But then you don't really know who you live next door to either. None of us do. We just know what they choose to tell us.
Look I work in the community as a nurse. If someone said this to me or a colleague there would be incident forms flying in and risk assesments being undertaken.

You don't know why he did this. It's not your respinsibilty to find out and you shouldn't minimise what's been said. 101 is the way to go here.

Elendon · 02/10/2015 18:42

Merry Flowers

maria543 · 02/10/2015 18:42

I agree with shesinfashion - early dementia is a possibility - my db is a nurse on an elderly care ward and has been propositioned quite a few times by elderly ladies. One of them famously threw all her clothes off and chased him down the corridor one evening. Luckily none of her family were there because although it might seem funny, I don't think her husband would have thought so. Another kept grabbing him by the crotch, very insistent, saying really quite unpleasant things.

Poor you - I do think perhaps it's worth having your dh go round and tell him, man to man if you like. Does he have any grown-up children? Mortifying for them, I know, but you might have a word with them so that at least they are aware that he might not be very well.

NCISaddict · 02/10/2015 18:42

Dementia will eventually manifest itself in other ways but this may be the first sign coming a considerable time before other signs.

Justaboy · 02/10/2015 18:42

Frecks 'n specs, I think that it really would be an idea to tell the police. That way its on record so if anyone else complains then they are far more likely to take action. They will also be a neutral party. I expect that they might contact his doctor to pass that info on possibly. Also who knows if there have been other complaints perhaps the other woman has been approached?

As to still driving well some can still manage and others should have been ordered off the road much earlier!.

MerryInthechelseahotel Priest's, don't they let them marry nowadays?.

IAmABeachWave · 02/10/2015 18:43

Sorry this happened, do tell your husband and contact your local PCSO/station or 101

Elendon · 02/10/2015 18:43

Yes, you can do it anonymously.

Elendon · 02/10/2015 18:46

Shutthatdor

It's an educated guess. Trust me on this.

pocketsaviour · 02/10/2015 18:46

I guess what I'd like to know if he does have dementia would he act out on his words or are they just thoughts and words?

Unfortunately yes, in my experience working in care services we had a number of elderly male patients with dementia who would expose themselves while masturbating, or try to grope any female care workers we sent in. These incidents were always reported to social services and the family and we would make a note to only send male carers in future. The care workers also had the option of reporting to police, although most elected not to.

So yes, it's unfortunately possible he'll go from requesting sex to trying to sexually assault you or to expose himself :(

I would probably talk to his son as a first port of call - it may be as a PP suggested the nudge that his son needs to have his dad assessed by a GP and involve social services.

If the son didn't appear to be taking it seriously I would say "As you seem to think this is no big deal, I can't trust you to deal with it properly, so I will have to report this to the police." Then call 101. They will go out and have a stern word and then it's on file if anything else happens.

I would also tell the other lady that he visits. She may have already experienced his "requests" but not told anybody Confused

Sorry this has happened OP, I know you have a lot on your plate Flowers

juneau · 02/10/2015 18:48

You should report it to the police. It was sexual harrassment and it was threatening (i.e. he came into your house, uninvited and propositioned you in the hall, which is an enclosed space). Just because he's old doesn't mean that he hasn't harrassed other women - in fact I'd put money on the fact that he's done it before. I doubt there are many men who reach eighty-years-old and then suddenly turn into creeps - its much more likely that he's had form for this for years and may even have a record. Don't let him get away with this OP. You're not in the wrong here and shouldn't be afraid to leave your house or wash your car on your own driveway for fear of him leering at you. He's an old pervert is what he is.

Shutthatdoor · 02/10/2015 18:48

It's an educated guess. Trust me on this

Whereas other healthcare professionals on here have said it can be the onset of dementia.

NCISaddict · 02/10/2015 18:49

Elendon It is not an educated guess unless you happen to be a HCP with special training in elderly care particularly dementia.

Elendon · 02/10/2015 18:50

It has to be said that not all males with dementia will do this.

In fact, very few do!

SilverBirchWithout · 02/10/2015 18:50

I think some people are making a false assumption that all elderly men are normally sweet, harmless and sexually neutral/safe. You only need to see in the news how many cases of child sexual abuse we see where the men are in their 60s/70s.

Unfortunately creepy, inappropriate, dirty, lecherous and predatory men don't all die by the time they reach 60. I would also add that some older people tend to lose their ability to hide their more negative traits or read a social situation appropriately.

OP I am so sorry your kind gestures to this old git have been repaid in such a gross and offensive way. Feel angry, rather than anxious, treat him as you would any man who had spoken to you in this way. Write him a letter telling him how awful his behaviour was and ask him to never visit your house again, or speak to you outside and if he does you will consider contacting the police about his harassment. Hand the letter to his son and explain the contents to him. Take control, you are a strong woman who has been verbally abused.

Do not let the question of Dementia or not, cloud your judgement. That is NOT your problem.

Shutthatdoor · 02/10/2015 18:50

Elendon It is not an educated guess unless you happen to be a HCP with special training in elderly care particularly dementia.

That was what I was clumsily try to say.

Jasonandyawegunorts · 02/10/2015 18:51

It has to be said that not all males with dementia will do this.

Not all women with dementia do it too. Doesn't mean the ones that do have always been like it.

greenfolder · 02/10/2015 18:51

I would report it to the police in a heartbeat. Nip it in the bud.

Sockattack · 02/10/2015 18:51

Not read full thread. Speak to age concerns.

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