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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Still shaking, old neighbour asked me for sex

284 replies

Frecklesandspecs · 02/10/2015 16:09

Ok, please help. I'm still shaking...
I have one old neighbour whose wife died a little while ago. I've been pleasant to him and had a chat now again. Made him a meal or two when wife died.

Today he came round my house (was home with ds3) and kind of just walked in uninvited.
He said 'he needed a thing or two from a woman now and again and Wold I do a few minutes for £60. I said no way! He said more? I said I don't do anything like that and wouldn't ever consider it.

I'm devastated. Am I over reacting?
He's in his 80's and I don't even want to go out now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Frecklesandspecs · 02/10/2015 17:44

Name, did he remember after what he'd done or don't they?

OP posts:
DiscoGoGo · 02/10/2015 17:44

No it's horrible and when it happens it is upsetting.

And in your own home that's definitely discomfiting and possibly a bit scary too.

I don't know what I would do, but I really feel for you OP, it's horrible.

Original poster
Frecklesandspecs · 02/10/2015 17:46

Thank you topset, I will think about it.
Sorry, I'm not being very politically correct today am I?!

OP posts:
brokenhearted55a · 02/10/2015 17:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheDovefromabove56 · 02/10/2015 17:48

Do you know if he has any family you can tell? Or if he has a carer who comes round who you could speak to? I would have been devastated if my grandfather had done something similar in his old age. It would have been so out of character for him and would have clearly indicated to the family that something was very wrong.

What a horrible thing to happen to you. It really seems as if there is no time in a woman's life when you can be nice to a man without opening yourself up to this kind of crap.

Lweji · 02/10/2015 17:53

I agree with having a chat with the police. And if they could approach him and tell him that the next time he even looks at you you'll press charges, that would be great.

If he approaches you again, I'd tell him to stay away or you will call the police for harassment and tell your OH who will give him a beating.
Although personally, I'd knee him down where it hurts. A few repeated times.

Original poster
Frecklesandspecs · 02/10/2015 17:53

Yes broken, I think so. We speak pretty much everyday. (just 'hello, how are you? Kind of thing) He lives next door but one. He was pretty crafty getting into the hallway whilst putting the baby in the car too, though I had left the door open. (not invited him in though).
Our hall is quite narrow so maybe the 'enclosed space' didn't help.
He doesn't have any carers Dove, his son lives with him but I don't really know him well enough to converse with.

OP posts:
FishOn · 02/10/2015 17:54

Oh you poor thing. I would certainly tell the son, thought not the police unless something else happens.

It could certainly be a sign of dementia. My grandmother had alzheimers and could be verbally sexually inappropriate.

Original poster
Frecklesandspecs · 02/10/2015 17:55

Lol Lweji, I don't think I've the guts to do it myself! Grin

OP posts:
DiscoGoGo · 02/10/2015 17:57

I'm not sure this is illegal anyway TBH?

Florriesma · 02/10/2015 18:00

Isn't soliciting for six illegal though?
As he was in your home uninvited I would actually seek police advice.
Hopefully there will be one of 2 outcomes.
He's unwell and this may be flagged up and mark him as vulnerable and lead to a health intervention. Police can refer to cpns.
If he's not unwell then it sends the strong message that you will not put up with this and there will be consequences. I wouldn't play softly softly here.

MoonSandwich · 02/10/2015 18:03

Just a suggestion..
I haven't read your other threads but would it be possible to consider visiting him with you DH and, perhaps your other Neighbour, and really spelling it out to him that his behavior was very, very unacceptable and that if happens again then you will call the police. I would do it when the mans son is there too.
It make you feel more in control too and it means that he doesn't get to carry on with no consequences.

Justaboy · 02/10/2015 18:09

Frecklesandspecs Oh dear!, this is so sad really for you the shock of being propositioned and him for asking. I expect that he is missing his wife and hasn't quite come to terms with that. They were probably still sexually active and even if they weren't he probably misses cuddling with her!.

But of course he shouldn't have propositioned you, you from other threads have enough bother without being taken for a prostitute!.

At 80 odd yes, it's quite possible that dementia is starting wouldn't be unexpected but you sort to implied in another post that he seemed quite lucid even so that doesn't give him any rights to proposition you like that. Its provably making him less inhibited than what you would expect him to be. After all men can be quite direct when they've had few bevvies and dementia or vascular disease is likely to have much the same effect. What to do?. Well I'm sure you don't want to talk to him perhaps if his son's around have a talk with him but perhaps best not maybe like father like son;!.

Yep, I think best to call 101 and ask them for advice and get a local copper to pop round and have a word or two with him. I very much doubt he meant to upset or would indeed harm you, you cooking him dinner was a very kind gesture and I can only suppose he took it that you might do more!.

Such a shame getting that age alone, my dad was the same, a friend of my mum's cooked him dinner sometimes an he was very appreciative of that and all i heard him doing was to invite her in and he just wanted someone to talk to that was all. He did say he missed "holding her" to my sister and he was "pining" for her if that the right word for quite sometime before he passed away.

Just so sad, very sad:(

Original poster
Frecklesandspecs · 02/10/2015 18:17

uI'm unsure about telling h ATM. I wouldn't be surprised if he just laughs it off which would make it worse.
I'm glad I told my neighbour though.
Ty justaboy, another very sensible take on things !

OP posts:
Elendon · 02/10/2015 18:21

He's a creep and has always been a creep. Regardless of his age and his previous marital status. It's not sad, he has probably done this numerous times before.

I nursed a man in his 80s till his death and he was lovely. Missed his wife, his one and only love, and was respectful of me and was actually a good friend - loved hearing about his past life, and never felt he would do that to me, ever - may he and his wife RIP.

Report him! He is a danger. Does he have young women going to his house to help him out?

MerryInthechelseahotel · 02/10/2015 18:23

I've had this a few times with elderly men when I was in my 20's and 30's and didn't have the courage to say anything. One was an elderly priest who I trusted like a grandfather. I believe he would have raped me if I hadn't escaped. The other was a patient of mine outside the hospital. He was only about 45 years older than me Angry Neither had dementia just pig headed audacity.

Original poster
Frecklesandspecs · 02/10/2015 18:28

No Edenton, but he does go around to another female neighbour for coffee ect. (she's in her 30's like me and' husband often at work) I DON'T know if I should say something as I don't want to be seen as gossiping ect.
My neighbour who I told did say he'd randomly gone around there one day and asked if he could go in for coffee.

OP posts:
Shesinfashion · 02/10/2015 18:28

Don't discount early stage frontal lobe dementia. As a student nurse on the elderly care wards I witnessed such patients masturbating in front of their adult children, asking them for sex and revealing the most intimate sexual fantasies long kept locked away in their minds. Devastating for all concerned.

Viviennemary · 02/10/2015 18:28

I'd ring the police and ask for their advice on how to deal with this. Perhaps he is starting to suffer from dementia in which case it would be better if somebody knew about it. I think it should be reported as this inappropriate behaviour can't be just ignored.

Elendon · 02/10/2015 18:28

And if anyone is in doubt, what would you feel, if your mother in her 60s/70s/80s was placed in a home where a man like this was doing the same thing.

Original poster
Frecklesandspecs · 02/10/2015 18:30

Sorry merry, that's horrid to think about.
I guess what I'd like to know if he does have dementia would he act out on his words or are they just thoughts and words?
He still drives everywhere so guess it's not too bad if he does.

OP posts:
Elendon · 02/10/2015 18:33

Freckle you must report it to the police. They will contact the family and social services. Ring 101. Do it now.

It's totally inappropriate. You know this. It cannot carry on. He will persist.

Jasonandyawegunorts · 02/10/2015 18:33

Please report it.

Goingtobeawesome · 02/10/2015 18:35

OP, I'm sorry you have had such a traumatic incident. I hope your husband is supportive and if you do report to police or social services that they are too.

I also feel sorry for the neighbour if he is starting with dementia.

ChocDee · 02/10/2015 18:36

My grandfather made a pass at me (physically) when he was in his 80's. He did not have dementia. Lived for quite a few years afterwards. I never forgave him. Arse

I am so sorry that this happened to you - it is a terrible slap in the face when all that you have done is offered him kindness.

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