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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Still shaking, old neighbour asked me for sex

284 replies

Frecklesandspecs · 02/10/2015 16:09

Ok, please help. I'm still shaking...
I have one old neighbour whose wife died a little while ago. I've been pleasant to him and had a chat now again. Made him a meal or two when wife died.

Today he came round my house (was home with ds3) and kind of just walked in uninvited.
He said 'he needed a thing or two from a woman now and again and Wold I do a few minutes for £60. I said no way! He said more? I said I don't do anything like that and wouldn't ever consider it.

I'm devastated. Am I over reacting?
He's in his 80's and I don't even want to go out now.

OP posts:
lorelei9 · 02/10/2015 17:00

If his son lives with, I'd tell the son tbh. It might be the case that he can have a chat with his dad and if that means dad then keeps out of your way, at least it might help with your anxiety around the situation. And I completely get why it makes you anxious Flowers

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 02/10/2015 17:02

But Goblin as pointed out by a pp he's either mentally unwell or has seriously poor views about women - I don't find either funny.

Original poster
Frecklesandspecs · 02/10/2015 17:03

I'm not sure who said it was funny. Maybe at any other time I'd take it better. I do have an SOH and am pretty easy going but ATM, I'm not taking it well. I see the man every day at least once. He's always outside. (we live in a close)

OP posts:
Redredwinegoestomyhead · 02/10/2015 17:04

Sounds like it may be dementia causing him to behave in a sexually disinhibited way. My Fil who is 90 has been diagnosed for about ten years and he often has wandering hands Confused I avoid being alone in a room with him. I understand how upset you're feeling.

ShowOfHands · 02/10/2015 17:05

My friend is a carer for the elderly and she has had to deal with this a few times. She was always encouraged to report the behaviour and it was dealt with very robustly by her company because it was considered harassment. The service users were made aware that such behaviour would be reported to the police immediately and it was part of their contract between staff and service users.

In a professional setting, this would be dealt with seriously. You have to make a decision about whether you want to report it to the police. It is not something that you should have to deal with or come to terms with. You need to know that it will not happen again.

TheSwallowingHandmaiden · 02/10/2015 17:08

Goblin Biscuit

lorelei9 · 02/10/2015 17:10

OP the other thing I find is that elderly men think they'll get a free pass and you won't be rude to them on account of their age...so if you feel up to it, I actually would report it and see if the police can have a word. Even if he denies all knowledge, if he's too embarrassed to speak to you again, that would be good!

Flowerpower41 · 02/10/2015 17:13

Sorry to hear Freckles - please advise him to go and see an escort and that you will have him done for sexual harrassment and report him to the police if he keeps up these leery ways.

If that works of course, if the poor man has dementia then God help us.

Take care op we are on your side.

beardsrock · 02/10/2015 17:13

You poor thing.

If you see him again give him the death stare.

Cheeky fucker.

No excuses. Dementia, might need his ironing doing, bollocks.

Dirty old pervert!

Ohbollockstothem · 02/10/2015 17:13

I too would contact the police on 101 . Your responsibility is to keep you and your family safe
If he is ill the police will deal with it sensitively

goblin you twat

amarmai · 02/10/2015 17:14

def keep your door locked . pretend he does not exist. tell the police so that you have laid a base for anything further. tell his son you have informed the police so they will take you seriously. I am in my 70s and am amazed at the so called sexual 'disinhibition' of older men . So sad that your kindness was so misinterpreted. Hope you are able to put on your mental armor and pretend to be tougher until you become tougher for you and your children's sake. If you are a woman on your own you'll be dealing with this kind of nastiness a lot.

Joysmum · 02/10/2015 17:15

In glad frontal lobe dementia has been mentioned. It's something we had to deal with for my hobby but something I'd come across with my FIL who had vascular dementia. Both went from being church going and very straight laced men who never drank or swore to changing their personalities. Very sad. Sad

Original poster
Frecklesandspecs · 02/10/2015 17:18

Thank you everyone, you've all made me feel better (apart goblin Grin)
I've just told my next door neighbour so she knows and she's as shocked as me! Told me not to open the door.

OP posts:
Jasonandyawegunorts · 02/10/2015 17:18

You need to report this, Even if it is dementia or something it will help him / his family build a case for getting him help.

Original poster
Frecklesandspecs · 02/10/2015 17:20

Thinking about dementia... he always knows my name, where I live, husband's name ect. He seems quite 'with it'.

OP posts:
NewLife4Me · 02/10/2015 17:24

OP itdoesn't matter that others have found it funny, it has upset you nd that's the main thing.

I too would laugh it off, consider him harmless enough and lonely and carry on as if nothing had been said.
We are all different. Thanks

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 02/10/2015 17:25

Dementia doesn't work like that - from experience with relatives who has it being 'with it' ebbs and flows like a tide - one day/minute they're fine, the next day they're practically unrecognisable personality wise.

BoskyCat · 02/10/2015 17:27

He could well have dementia, however men of any age randomly and directly propositioning woman for sex is not a "stretch" at all IME! It happens all the time.

amazonqueen · 02/10/2015 17:31

I would tell your DH and his son and anyone else who lives nearby .

He is a menace and neither you nor anyone else can trust him now and anyone else who might come into contact with him- home help,care workers etc needs to know this.

Original poster
Frecklesandspecs · 02/10/2015 17:31

Ty new life, he wasn't joking though, he was deadly serious! Sad
If he'd have said it jokingly, it might have been taken a bit differently.
I know you didn't quite mean this though.

OP posts:
Redredwinegoestomyhead · 02/10/2015 17:34

OP my Fil seems with it most of the time but frontal lobe dementia makes him disinhibited. He says sexually inappropriate things and is like an octopus with me and in the past his female carers. Only male carers attend to him now. Despite this behaviour he can engage in meaningful, intelligent conversation.

DiscoGoGo · 02/10/2015 17:36

I would also go with what Bosky and others have said - men doing this sort of thing isn't a "stretch" at all! Irrespective of age and yes sometimes older men can be worse as they think they can get away with stuff because of their age.

Whatever his motives, they are irrelevant to you OP. What a horrible thing to happen. I'm not surprised you feel shaken.

And for me, when this has happened, it not "being mistaken for a prostitute" that's upsetting - prostitutes are just women aren't they, there's nothing "wrong" with them. What is upsetting about it is that it shows up what so many men really think of us. You're just getting on with your day in a normal manner and some random offers you cash for sex - even worse if it's someone you know - as it makes you feel not like a person after all you realise in their eyes you're just a body to be purchased.

That was how it's made me feel the (small number of) times it's happened to me anyway.

Namechangenell · 02/10/2015 17:40

Sorry this happened to you OP. My DGF went like this when he got dementia. He asked his cleaning lady for 'services', nurses in the local hospital, it was awful. He would have been absolutely mortified in his right mind to have known what he was doing.

I absolutely don't want to downplay what has happened to you. I too would be extremely distressed. However, to everyone screaming 'dirty old lech' and so on, there may well be another explanation. (Equally, there may not be - depends on the person.)

Original poster
Frecklesandspecs · 02/10/2015 17:41

Ok, I see red. As said, I don't know anything about it really.
Never had to deal with it really directly, although my nan had it but lived far away so no first hand experience of everyday life.
Yes Disco, exactly that, and the fact that I was on the spot with him in my own house was very uncomfortable.

OP posts:
Topseyt · 02/10/2015 17:42

I am with others who have suggested reporting this to the police.

It could count as sexual harrassment. They may well visit him and give him a warning. Don't answer the door to him at all. Blank him if you see him outside or in the street too. I wouldn't even be saying hello because it sounds as though he is taking the least thing as a come-on.

On the off-chance that he is mentally unwell or developing dementia, it might be the nudge that his famiy, doctors and other services need to get the right support in place.

None of it is even remotely funny. Very stupid posts from goblin there!!!! Shock