Feel like I'm going crazy with suspicion

[Paranoiacentral]

God I feel sick that I'm even writing this. I've name changed as im a regular poster with a memorable name!
Right, sorry I'm shaking , but I've had to work myself up to even post this let alone deal with might or might not be happening.
I'm suspicious about my husband, this kills me to say, he's a good man, a great man, an equal, a fabulously kind, generous, respectful man and a wonderful father. There is no back story, no history of cheating, no violence, no problems. So far, so sickeningly perfect.
BUT, I just can't shake off the feeling that something is going on. Let me give you the sum total of my suspicions so far;
Refuses to answer any calls from a certain work colleague (let's call her Lucy) in front of me. To the point that on two seperate occasions over the past month she has called whilst I have been in the car with him and he has actually answered with the following lines 'before you say anything Lucy let me just say I am in the car with Paranoiacentral'
Last week she called en route to the airport and he answers with 'sorry i couldn't talk before Lucy i was packing the car up with paranoia and the children, who are all here with me now'.....

He came home with a whacking great diamond ring 6 weeks ago, completely out of the blue. I feel horrible using this accusingly but it's so unlike him.

Now this one really will make me seem crazy.....on a few occasions recently he seems to get teary eyed when we are cuddling/kissing, he'll he onto me so tightly and say 'I love you so much' but then makes a gulping sound right after. Like I said crazy, but new for him. And the gulping is odd, like he's lying or afraid.
That's the sum total of my fears, not much I know, but the big concern, my main fear is the 'feeling' I don't know if it's instinct or what but something is different, something has changed and j can't put my finger on what it is. But it's starting to make me act differently in front of him, it's corrosive and its eating away at me. On holiday I couldn't stand to be around him, though I think I hid it well.
Oh god, I don't know what to do and I need your advice.

I am very sorry you are going through this.

Even decent and kind men can stumble sometimes.

I would trust your instincts; I think you need to have a frank conversation with him about this woman and asap. Its he that you need to speak with, not her. It sounds like all sorts of boundaries are being trampled over by him. He may well minimise and deny any impropriety with Lucy (and may well have done this already in response to your questioning).

Has he mentioned "Lucy" a lot in the past only to clam up now?. Do you know if they have been working together or on the same project for a period of time?.

Is his phone password protected, does he take it almost everywhere with him?.

What other changes have you noticed in his behaviour?.

What was his explanation as to her calling him when you are all en route to the airport?.

What did you say when he presented you with this ring; presumably it was not an anniversary present?.

Given that he's answered 2 calls from 'Lucy' in front of you, how did those conversations proceed after he'd announced you/the dc were present and what makes you think there have been more calls he's not answered when you've been around?

If he is as good and great and 'equal' as you say, why don't you tell him that you've noticed he seems to tear up after telling you he loves you and ask him outright if he's conflicted by guilt because he's having an affair with Lucy? His reaction should tell you all you need to know.

Ooh this is an easy one. Mobile Phone! Check it. Has he stopped leaving it lying around? If so this is a MAJOR clue. When he's asleep go thru his texts and call log. If you don't know where it is when he's asleep, the next time you go out "forget" your Mobile and ask to borrow his, as you need to make an urgent call. If you're in a loud bar, you can take it outside. Also check Internet History and E-mails. You may be wrong, but you owe it to yourself to check. If he is up to something, you can deal with it. If he isn't, you can rest easy and move on.

I can actually imagine that that is the sort of thing he'd say if he was being pestered by someone at work and he didn't know how to deal with it or mention it to you - but was still trying to bat her off.

Talk to him - if it's a good relationship, you should be able to raise it.

And good luck.

You need to trust your gut to a certain extent. It would seem something is going on, it may be totally innocent though. Facebook may hold some clues?

Thanks for your replies. The problem is, I don't feel I can say anything. How can I? It's been a perfect marriage for 18 years now I'm suddenly accusing him of having an affair? It will strike a dagger into the heart of our marriage, no matter how good our relationship you can't bring stuff up like this and expect no backlash from it can you?
I feel like I don't have enough proof, nothing solid enough. I can't look on his phone, it's passcodd protected.
She works for him, she is 30, my DH is not active on social media, he has a Facebook account but they are not friends.

You have enough reasons to be concerned. Sorry. You don't need to accuse him of anything. I would get him in a situation where he can't get away and tell him that you can't shake off the feeling or ignore the signs you have clearly seen that there is something going on between him and Lucy (don't say what they are ). Ask him to be straight with you about what's going on, then sit in silence - watch and listen.

Just ask him 'So who is this 'Lucy' that keeps phoning?' or something similar. (I know you already know she works for him but it's just to open up a conversation.) If you can't say anything about it, things aren't as great as you thought I'd suggest.

Spy on him, really? Such really bad advice, you should be ashamed.

Listen, you've been married 18 years, a marriage, as good as you make it out to be CAN withstand a sensible questioning.

Talk!

It's not bad advice to suggest she looks through his phone etc. Sad fact but most cheaters lie and minimise the extent of their betrayal and only admit to anything once their spouse has actual evidence.

My h was so fucking predictable in his behaviour I am actually embarrassed for him when I look back.

I think that telling her that you were in the car is a sign that something is up. He was telling her not to speak freely in front of you. Why do that if there is nothing to hide?
I say trust your instincts and go through his skype/email.

If you confront and he denies, ask him to show you his phone there and then, before he has time to delete. I went on line and got copies of my husband's phone bill. I learned a lot that day!

Sorry you are going through this. It really is shit

Yep - I had the teary thing as well.
My relationship was very good for 15 years.
He still doesn't know why he did it.
It starts exactly as you are describing it.
I got my first clue when he started to listen to a voicemail on loud speaker when we were in the car. I've never seen him move so fast to try to stop it. Of course you ask the question but then they have something to come back with.
I completely understand needed 'proof'.
I was the same, although I did sit him down and ask him outright about 5 months in. He of course, denied everything. 8 months in I found my proof.
Mobile phone bills!
You can just ask him you know. See what he has to say when you ask him outright. You can justify your suspicions just like you have here.
Unfortunately he will have soingthing to say on all counts. You are paranoid, etc....
You could just ask to see his phone and see what his response is.
That will tell you a lot.

Hi Paranoiacentral

I just wanted to try and put this to you from another perspective. I may be wrong but reading your post, the first thing that came to my mind wasn't 'he's having an affair'

All 3 of your examples suggest that yes there is something your DH is keeping from you but your last example, the holding you tighter and telling you how much he loves you makes me think he is scared to lose you and perhaps he has had some bad news about his health or his job security and he is worried about the future but for whatever reason he is struggling to tell you.

I'm not sure from what you have written what the working relationship is between your DH and husband but is she someone like a PA / assistant or someone he works with closely? Someone that he may have shared whatever it is he is keeping from you or someone that may have arranged Doctors appointments / HR meetings? Maybe he had nobody else to talk to and was scared to tell you for fear of upset?

I may be totally naive and perhaps far too trusting but your description of this man and your relationship did not lead me to immediately jump to the affair conclusion.

Having said all of this, it is all very well us making assumptions. The only way you will know is to talk to him. No need for accusations just simply raise the fact that the calls from Lucy seem unusual and he was uncharacteristically cagey and that you have noticed a change in him.

I mean relationship between DH and Lucy

There's no need to be accusatory, but it seems your marriage isn't exactly a meeting of minds where you can be completely open and honest with him at all times without fearing that you'll 'strike a dagger' into the heart of it.

In which case choose your moment and go for 'Darling, I've noticed you seem to tear up when you tell me how much you love me - is there something troubling you, do you feel that the years are passing so fast we're running out of them and we'll be Darby and Joan before we know it? We've had so many happy times, haven't we? I wish we could have them all over again' - pile on the sentiment and wait to see how he reacts.

In the meantime, box clever by frequently showing him by word and deed how much you love him, how much he means to you, how happy you are that he's your dh etc in the hope that if he is having an affair with 'Lucy' this 'good' man's conscience will cause him to end it.

I wouldn't accuse him of an affair - you're right, it will strike a blow to your marriage. But you've gotta get a hold of that phone. Ok, so it's got a passcode. But if you were out t dinner with him, without your mobile and you needed to make a call, you just ask him what the code is! You just say that your Mum rang earlier, you missed the call and you don't want to wait until you get home to check she's ok. Easy! I know the code to my husband's phone, why wouldn't I? He puts his phone in my handbag when we go out. He leaves it lying about. My first husband (who cheated) always hid his phone. One night when he was drunk he forgot to hide it and because I was suspicious I checked it. He was sleeping with my best friend. Found tons of texts between them. It is honestly your best way to get to the truth.

Goddess, I think that's why I have posted today, we have just returned from an amazing holiday, just the two of us, in celebration of a 'significant' anniversary, I should be on cloud 9, and I am to a certain extent but I just can't shake off the feeling. We had so many conversations whilst away about how happy we are/ how lucky we are etc.
This is also why the ring was such a shock, the holiday was planned months ago, this was the anniversary gift not the ring, money is not an issue but to spend an awful lot on the ring after we have booked the holiday just struck me as odd.
There is no way I can access the phone or his email, they are both work related and password protected, his work laptop never comes out of the office and I don't know the password to his private email account (gmail)
Lucy is one of his account managers (very corporate world he works in, lots of working together, working away etc but not sure if he works away with Lucy, Im 99% sure not)
I'm not sure if I've answered everyone, apologies if not, I'm rushing to reply before he comes home.

Cherrybakewells, that would make sense when she knows the children are in the car but when she knew it was just me and him? I'm not exactly a wallflower!
I can't glean much info about her, Facebook/Instagram/Twitter etc are all on maximum private settings and even her LinkedIn profile doesn't have a picture.

I wouldn't assume an affair just yet. Next time he holds you and gets upset ask him why he's so sad and is there anything he needs to tell you? Not in an accusing way.

Hmm. I think you're going to have to check pockets, credit card bills, any unusual withdrawals of cash...mileage clock on car...but by the sound of your holiday, all seems well. He must have a way of going on the internet at home! Tablet? If so, check that. I am wondering why he is accusing you of being paranoid if you haven't accused him of anything. Maybe you have a tendency to be?

Paranoia

If the day ever comes when he answers the phone and says 'Hi Brian - can I get back to you later?' then I think you might have cause for concern.

Talk to the man.