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Original poster

Feel like I'm going crazy with suspicion

314 replies

Paranoiacentral · 30/09/2015 15:09

God I feel sick that I'm even writing this. I've name changed as im a regular poster with a memorable name!
Right, sorry I'm shaking , but I've had to work myself up to even post this let alone deal with might or might not be happening.
I'm suspicious about my husband, this kills me to say, he's a good man, a great man, an equal, a fabulously kind, generous, respectful man and a wonderful father. There is no back story, no history of cheating, no violence, no problems. So far, so sickeningly perfect.
BUT, I just can't shake off the feeling that something is going on. Let me give you the sum total of my suspicions so far;
Refuses to answer any calls from a certain work colleague (let's call her Lucy) in front of me. To the point that on two seperate occasions over the past month she has called whilst I have been in the car with him and he has actually answered with the following lines 'before you say anything Lucy let me just say I am in the car with Paranoiacentral'
Last week she called en route to the airport and he answers with 'sorry i couldn't talk before Lucy i was packing the car up with paranoia and the children, who are all here with me now'.....

He came home with a whacking great diamond ring 6 weeks ago, completely out of the blue. I feel horrible using this accusingly but it's so unlike him.

Now this one really will make me seem crazy.....on a few occasions recently he seems to get teary eyed when we are cuddling/kissing, he'll he onto me so tightly and say 'I love you so much' but then makes a gulping sound right after. Like I said crazy, but new for him. And the gulping is odd, like he's lying or afraid.
That's the sum total of my fears, not much I know, but the big concern, my main fear is the 'feeling' I don't know if it's instinct or what but something is different, something has changed and j can't put my finger on what it is. But it's starting to make me act differently in front of him, it's corrosive and its eating away at me. On holiday I couldn't stand to be around him, though I think I hid it well.
Oh god, I don't know what to do and I need your advice.

OP posts:
Original poster
Paranoiacentral · 30/09/2015 21:12

Its a windows phone

OP posts:
FantasticButtocks · 30/09/2015 21:15

MN loves a good real time show down thread! Oh. Gosh, that sounds like you are sort of telling off people who are reading or posting trying to understand and help on your thread.

Just because you are a regular poster with a 'memorable name' why name change for this? Confused Genuine question. Surely if there are others on here who 'know' you on here, and recognise your name that would be a help rather than a hindrance.

thehypocritesoaf · 30/09/2015 21:15

I think that's good.

I would also simultaneously reassure - you know I love you - and threaten - I'd be very upset if you hid anything from me -but as you've already gathered, I'm a cow!

Original poster
Paranoiacentral · 30/09/2015 21:17

Not at all fantastic, I was being sarcastic. I changed my name because it identifies my location that's all.

OP posts:
clarinsgirl · 30/09/2015 21:17

Romii put it much better than me. OP please, please let your DH know how you're feeling. No accusations, just let him know that your are worried.

thehypocritesoaf · 30/09/2015 21:17

I'd change my name!

Only1scoop · 30/09/2015 21:18

I'm not sure I'd be that direct at this point personally.

ExasperatedAlmostAlways · 30/09/2015 21:18

Gut instinct is very, very rarely wrong! You mentioned earlier money isn't an issue I think. Time to hire a private detective if there is absolutely no other way of finding out via emails, mob, texts or anything else.

RomiiRoo · 30/09/2015 21:21

I think you can speculate on his behaviour till kingdom come, what will he do if you do X as oppose to Y. But all you can really know is what you feel and think and be true to that. Express how things make you feel because that is what you can be sure of, and a basis for dialogue.

Original poster
Paranoiacentral · 30/09/2015 21:22

Thanks clarinsgirl, I'm sorry you've been through something similar but I hope you are starting to see some light at the end of the tunnel x

OP posts:
Shockers · 30/09/2015 21:23

I think you're wise to go down the 'is anything wrong?' route.

This is your partner of 18 years and you're starting to feel as though you don't know him.

Talk to him.

And good luck Flowers.

Liara · 30/09/2015 21:24

I would just tell him how you are feeling, without the accusation. Just that he's been acting weird, and that it's throwing you off, and you don't know why, but you would love to be able to talk openly with him about it.

When you have been with someone for a long time you become very sensitive to changes in their behaviour, but not necessarily brilliant at guessing where they are coming from. I've had it a few times with dh, where I thought he was 'off' for reason x and in fact it was totally unrelated reason y.

But I have always been right that there was something going on (not in any way affair related).

BojackHorseman · 30/09/2015 21:24

You need to ask him but I'd be careful with how you ask as accusing him of shagging Lucy won't end well if he actually isn't. What happened to the ring OP, did he give it to you?

Toastedteacakewithbutter · 30/09/2015 21:25

Could you ask to use his phone for an app that you don't have, or to print out an email, use google maps or some other such excuse whilst he's in the bath or otherwise busy and see what his reaction is? If he passes it over with no problem then you know he's not hiding anything, if he says no or makes excuses then, well, I don't know but it would be suspicious surely in a long and happy relationship that you couldn't just use his phone.

Twinklestein · 30/09/2015 21:29

If he's having an affair he will slip up whatever. Going to greater lengths to keep it secret will involve more effort, with increased possibilities of mistakes.

MatrixReloaded · 30/09/2015 21:33

Do you both have one ?

LucySnow12 · 30/09/2015 21:38

But are your suspicions really baseless? You've listed quite a number of very out of character situations. Already a very special holiday was ruined because of your worries. You can't bear to be in the same room with him. It won't go away until you confront what might be going on. I really feel for you.

cozietoesie · 30/09/2015 21:41

A gut feeling that there's something wrong is rarely in error for me. Now what exactly may be wrong? That's sometimes different.

Good luck OP.

goddessofsmallthings · 30/09/2015 21:42

From the way you've described him, I don't think he's the type to 'get cocky' and I also doubt that he'll slip up unless he does so with the deliberate intention of you finding out.

Ftr, when suggesting that you be especially loving towards him I wasn't envisaging you prostrating yourself at his feet and worshipping him as if he's a god, but using loving words and gestures as a means of engendering more of those 'gulp' moments which could indicate that his conscience is pricking him and that he's particularly vulnerable to an enquiry as to his state of mind.

I have a feeling that if he hears alarm bells he'll heed them by either ending his affair (if he's having one) or confessing all - but best not quote me on that in case I get flamed again Smile

It seems to me that the gentle approach is worth trying before you try to gain access to his phone/emails.

WhySoAngry · 30/09/2015 21:58

Sounds like you've never used his phone. My OH and I use each other's phone at least a couple of times every week. We know what the code is and just type it right in. As far as I'm aware we're not hiding anything from each other.

Agree you need to contrive a situation where you don't have your phone (eg left it at home) and need it (eg to phone a friend/relative). You ask to use his phone - and what the code is.

If he's reluctant or resistant I would need to know why.

MatrixReloaded · 30/09/2015 22:02

Op there's several things you can do. The easiest is to set an old phone to record then go out for a few hours. If he was having an affair he'd probably take the opportunity to call her.

I think in your shoes I'd have a chat with a private detective. They have software that can remotely monitor pc's.

AndDeepBreath · 30/09/2015 22:08

... Or just be direct and talk to him?Say exactly what you've said here.

It doesn't sound like you think he's a dirty rotten liar, and if he is a cheat he's not necessarily a clever ten-steps-ahead manipulative jerk.

Maybe he's gotten in over his head. Maybe it's nothing to do with sex. Maybe she's blackmailing him over some weird work thing.

What's the worst case scenario? He says nothing's going on and you then hire a detective or look at phone records or something? (Btw can you really do that?)

OddlyLogical · 30/09/2015 22:15

I think I would say something along the lines of:
You seem quite distant lately, it's like your heart is somewhere else when we're together.

I don't know that I could just leave it because it's going to nag away.

WhySoAngry · 01/10/2015 08:00

AndDeepBreath: Maybe he's gotten in over his head. Maybe it's nothing to do with sex. Maybe she's blackmailing him over some weird work thing

And maybe some MumNetters have over-active imaginations.

AndDeepBreath · 01/10/2015 08:10

WhySoAngry ... Why so rude? Smile