Feel like I'm going crazy with suspicion

[Paranoiacentral]

God I feel sick that I'm even writing this. I've name changed as im a regular poster with a memorable name!
Right, sorry I'm shaking , but I've had to work myself up to even post this let alone deal with might or might not be happening.
I'm suspicious about my husband, this kills me to say, he's a good man, a great man, an equal, a fabulously kind, generous, respectful man and a wonderful father. There is no back story, no history of cheating, no violence, no problems. So far, so sickeningly perfect.
BUT, I just can't shake off the feeling that something is going on. Let me give you the sum total of my suspicions so far;
Refuses to answer any calls from a certain work colleague (let's call her Lucy) in front of me. To the point that on two seperate occasions over the past month she has called whilst I have been in the car with him and he has actually answered with the following lines 'before you say anything Lucy let me just say I am in the car with Paranoiacentral'
Last week she called en route to the airport and he answers with 'sorry i couldn't talk before Lucy i was packing the car up with paranoia and the children, who are all here with me now'.....

He came home with a whacking great diamond ring 6 weeks ago, completely out of the blue. I feel horrible using this accusingly but it's so unlike him.

Now this one really will make me seem crazy.....on a few occasions recently he seems to get teary eyed when we are cuddling/kissing, he'll he onto me so tightly and say 'I love you so much' but then makes a gulping sound right after. Like I said crazy, but new for him. And the gulping is odd, like he's lying or afraid.
That's the sum total of my fears, not much I know, but the big concern, my main fear is the 'feeling' I don't know if it's instinct or what but something is different, something has changed and j can't put my finger on what it is. But it's starting to make me act differently in front of him, it's corrosive and its eating away at me. On holiday I couldn't stand to be around him, though I think I hid it well.
Oh god, I don't know what to do and I need your advice.

Nancy, he isn't accusing me of any paranoia?! I haven't mentioned any of this to him, this is just how I'm feeling.
He does check the Internet at home, on his work phone, which has a passcode.

I think Nancy got confused with the way you used your username in a sentence instead of your actual name, which made it sound as if your DH was calling you paranoid.

Oh dear-
I think you should go the 'do you have anything you want to talk about' and then after a while say- Well, I know about you and Lucy- just how serious is it?
I would pretend someone from work had tipped me off- and I wouldn't let it go.

Is there any chance, you can ask to borrow his phone as your battery is out, and then walk into ie another room with the phone, pretending your talking to someone and then go through his phone, he will have already unlocked it for you to use! Just a suggestion, I certainly wouldn't be confronting him at this point.

I was very recently in a similar situation. Had been suspicious. I did ask him. Answer I got was there is definitely no one else. But suspicion continued. This went on for about 6 weeks, not knowing.
I wrote him a very long and very emotional letter. I Asked him to sit down and read it. I got my admission then. Day 2 since admission. I am wrecked, but in a way it's better to know. We will work through things. Wish you all the best. If he is a good man, he will do the right thing.

I have to say my first impression on reading this was like cozietoesies - not that he's having an affair but that Lucy's quite full-on and pushing the working relationship a bit further than he's comfortable with, and he's worried her 'office banter' would give you the wrong idea. Only you know the man, but if he's been a fundamentally decent guy for all these years, I wouldn't necessarily start going all CSI on him, just because he's given you a nice present - has a colleague recently had a messy divorce? Might he have had a health scare? Might a drink have turned a bit flirty with Lucy and he's had that cold sweat panic about what might happen if he did succumb?

If he is having an affair it's strange he answered his phone with you there.

Box clever, honey. Continue to act as if you're on cloud 9 and make frequent references to the gorgeous ring and how appreciative you are that he's so thoughtful/wonderful/generous/caring etc before choosing the optimum moment to raise your question under cover of subterfuge as to its real intent.

Your suspicions may have arisen because you weren't expecting the ring and you have some reason, deep seated or otherwise, to believe that extravagant gifts are only given when the giver has a guilty conscience - that reaction is not uncommon and it's often said in jest by the recipients of unexpected munificence

In any event time will tell and, as you can't access his phone etc, all you can do is hope for the best while being prepared for the worst.

The hypocrite. I'm not going to do that, it's nasty and untruthful and even if he is hiding something I'm not stooping to the same level.
Janaus, I'm so sorry, this is my biggest fear and I can't deny, part of the reason I can't sit down and talk to him about it, maybe I don't want to hear the answer....

I would do two things. First I would ask him why he can't talk to her when he is with me, or why he tells her that he is with me.

Secondly I would ask to see his phone and email to check that he's not hiding anything from me.

If he had a problem with either of those, then I would have a problem with him.

Yes fairenuffs option is 'nicer'

The thing is- if you corner someone they will mostly do anything/say anything you want to hear.

I wouldn't ignore your intuition. I think you know the truth.

I've been with my DH for 18 years. Once (about 7 years ago) I had my suspicions about him and a female colleague. I'm not a jealous person and I'd never felt like this before (or since) but there was just something about their friendship that bothered me. So I told him that I was feeling insecure, and I asked to see his phone. I explained that I trusted him and knew I was almost certainly being ridiculous, but it would really make me feel better. He handed it to me, and let me look through the call logs and text messages and reassure myself that he had nothing to hide.

Could you try this?

In the meantime, box clever by frequently showing him by word and deed how much you love him, how much he means to you, how happy you are that he's your dh etc in the hope that if he is having an affair with 'Lucy' this 'good' man's conscience will cause him to end it.

Goddess, what are you thinking, dude ? That is the humiliating dance of Pick Me in a nutshell right there

Op hasn't done anything wrong. She hasn't got anything to make up for. They have just had a romantic holiday. If she does the Pick me Dance now and it comes to light later that her H had been lying, cheating and deceiving her all along she will hate herself

Don't do it, OP. Don't change your behaviour. Stay true to yourself, and no matter how this turns out you know you will not have demeaned yourself for the sake of a bloke.

it doesn't sound good to me either.
i would go looking for proof.
maybe he's sorry about the affair but that doesn't mean it hasn't happened.

...I'm so sorry, this is my biggest fear and I can't deny, part of the reason I can't sit down and talk to him about it, maybe I don't want to hear the answer....

You have little choice but to find out either way, I think. It sounds as if your relationship is worth zippo at the moment and there's no way you can improve it without doing something.

I feel backed into a corner, not enough evidence for a confrontation but enough to make me feel something is wrong.
I feel like if I approach him he will flatly deny anything has happened and what then? I genuinely don't know how to get proof. Anything incriminating will be on his work email but that cannot be accessed through any device other than the work email (intranet) so I'm stuck. Not knowing is a pretty shit position to be in.

The problem is even if you don't bring it up it is going to fester and damage your relationship.

Normally I would say not to confront until you have evidence as men who are caught out nearly always lie, even when presented with conclusive evidence. However, it's unlikely that you'll get conclusive evidence, so maybe you could wait for a good time and sit him down and tell him you need a serious conversation about Lucy. Just those words and see how he reacts immediately. If he doesn't admit to anything, then explain how you're feeling and ask to see his messages and emails. If he's innocent he should want to prove it. If he says no, then at a later date presents a phone for checking, it will be because he has deleted evidence, so you need to make it clear that he has this one chance to clear it all up and make your fears go away.

Fwiw, you don't have irrefutable evidence, it sounds like something is off, but it could easily be anything other than an affair.

Not to my mind it isn't, AF, and it's certainly not about the OP 'making up' for anything.

As the OP doesn't want to confront her dh, nor does she want to resort to prying/spying, it seems to me that she doesn't have much choice but to play a waiting game and I see no reason why she should make it easy for her dh, who may in fact be entirely innocent of any wrongdoing, to pick the ow.

Putting myself in the OP's situation, and presupposing that this 'good' man is having it off with Lucy and his tearing up is caused by guilt, I would derive considerable pleasure from acting the part of loving* dw, sans sexual acrobatics and domestic servicing, and making him feel as bad as possible until such time as he 'fessed up, whereupon his bag would be packed and he'd be out the door before he could say 'sorry'.

Being deceived tends to bring out my nasty streak and I can be a very vengeful little goddess when that trait is aroused, which is why I prefer to confront potential deceivers head on at the earliest opportunity and can only hope that, after further reflection, the OP finds the the courage to do the same even though it may result in her being told things she doesn't want to hear.

*'loving' does not equate to 'perfect' and, in this instance, only requires a few tender words and the occasional trowel full of flattery.

You've only really got three options at this point and they are -

1. confront now with no evidence
2. look for evidence
3. ignore it

If you choose to look for evidence it's easy enough, pass code or not.

He will be able to access his work email (intranet) from home.

I wouldn't get any pleasure from playing that game goddess. Your assumption that he will feel so bad he will confess is laughable.