Feel like I'm going crazy with suspicion

[Paranoiacentral]

God I feel sick that I'm even writing this. I've name changed as im a regular poster with a memorable name!
Right, sorry I'm shaking , but I've had to work myself up to even post this let alone deal with might or might not be happening.
I'm suspicious about my husband, this kills me to say, he's a good man, a great man, an equal, a fabulously kind, generous, respectful man and a wonderful father. There is no back story, no history of cheating, no violence, no problems. So far, so sickeningly perfect.
BUT, I just can't shake off the feeling that something is going on. Let me give you the sum total of my suspicions so far;
Refuses to answer any calls from a certain work colleague (let's call her Lucy) in front of me. To the point that on two seperate occasions over the past month she has called whilst I have been in the car with him and he has actually answered with the following lines 'before you say anything Lucy let me just say I am in the car with Paranoiacentral'
Last week she called en route to the airport and he answers with 'sorry i couldn't talk before Lucy i was packing the car up with paranoia and the children, who are all here with me now'.....

He came home with a whacking great diamond ring 6 weeks ago, completely out of the blue. I feel horrible using this accusingly but it's so unlike him.

Now this one really will make me seem crazy.....on a few occasions recently he seems to get teary eyed when we are cuddling/kissing, he'll he onto me so tightly and say 'I love you so much' but then makes a gulping sound right after. Like I said crazy, but new for him. And the gulping is odd, like he's lying or afraid.
That's the sum total of my fears, not much I know, but the big concern, my main fear is the 'feeling' I don't know if it's instinct or what but something is different, something has changed and j can't put my finger on what it is. But it's starting to make me act differently in front of him, it's corrosive and its eating away at me. On holiday I couldn't stand to be around him, though I think I hid it well.
Oh god, I don't know what to do and I need your advice.

does he tell other work colleagues that he is with you when they call? This is the question I would want answered - why does he need to warn her that he is with you. I can see why this would raise suspicions

You've misread my post, Matrix. At no time have I suggested that "he will feel so bad he will confess" and if the OP is not willing to confront him, she may find herself playing a very long game or waiting in vain for him to disclose.

Nettle tea, no he doesn't say this when any other colleagues call, just Lucy, that's why it stands out to me so much.

Cherry, I've only been acting differently since the Lucy calls/ring/gulping episodes began, so it can't be that.

How do you get evidence if phone and email are password protected?

I set up online billing but that wouldnt have worked if he'd already had it. If she wants evidence how would she go about getting it in her specific circumstances?

OP, it's normal to want to ignore it - it's your body's way of protecting you until your mind feels strong enough to tackle it.

Next time Lucy rings ask him why he takes other work calls except hers when you're around.

Seriously Goddess, OP thinks her husband may be having and affair, and your advice is to put on act?

Well bollocks to that. Just be yourself OP don't muck about.

I don't have any patience with shenanigans.

Given that you can't check up on him I would just ask him upfront:

'You've been behaving strangely recently and I'm trying to work out what's going on. Perhaps you're about to be made redundant and can't face telling me, perhaps you've been diagnosed with a terminal illness, or perhaps you're having an affair. It would help me to know which it is.'

Assuming the answer is not redundancy or illness, I would ask straight out to be shown all the accounts you don't have access to there and then.

If he obliges, all well and good, if he doesn't you can draw your own conclusions.

OP, the thing is, you wouldn't be posting here unless you felt great suspicion. I think you need to trust those feelings. Of course, it is easier to ignore them but as it is, they are already damaging you. If there is no way to access his phone, then I would confront him with your worries and as SevenSeconds suggested ask to see his phone for reassurance. Only you can decide how long you want to live with this pain. If your H is having an affair, wouldn't you want to put an end to it as soon as possible? While you might still be able to recover from it.

Hi OP. When he answered the phone in front of you and told Lucy before she could say anything that he must tell her you were beside him, that was an opportunity to ask him why on earth he warned her like that. It isn't too late to now just say Why did you need to warn Lucy I was sitting beside you when she rang? I think an answer from him to that very simple question would be helpful. Because I can't even invent a plausible answer for that.

He sounds like a lovely man who you love and respect. You've just had a fab holiday and discussed how lucky/happy you are. Have you thought that perhaps he has some serious health problem that he has confided to Lucy about but hasn't been able to tell you about yet? I hope that's not it, but going on what you've said, and his emotional state, it sounds like a possibility.

You off on one again, Twinkle? Sometimes it seem your agenda is to criticise the responses of others while failing to appreciate either the intent or the spirit in which they're written.

On this occasion it seems you haven't read about the OP's reluctance to confront her dh and have merely rephrased what I and others advised her to do way upthread.

Can you check up on him during a work day? Drop into his work place suggesting you both have lunch and see how he reacts?

Sorry, having said I couldn't even invent a plausible answer for why he'd openly warn Lucy in front of you that you were present, I then went on to do just that! But really if he had bad news like an illness or something he hadn't been able to bring himself to share with you, that's the only reason he'd need to stop her before she said something he didn't want you to hear. I'd be more worried something was wrong I think, than an affair.

Another one saying find a way to check his phone and email, by hook or by crook. Your spidey senses aren't tingling for nothing and his messages are likely to give you much needed information.

Agenda eh? Ok.

Playing the surrendered wife is crap advice whatever the intent behind it.

I understand all too well how reluctant OP is confront her husband but there there's nothing else for it in this circumstance.

You just don't get it, do you, Twinkle?

Life can be far from the black and white you'd have it to be and I most certainly have not suggested that the OP surrenders either herself or her power. In fact, what I have advocated is that she claims it and uses it to her advantage.

That's the crux Lucy, something within me is tingling and telling me something is wrong and I don't know why as on the face of it my suspicions are baseless really.
I can't drop in for lunch, he does not work locally and is in a different
office everyday, between London and Scotland and everywhere inbetween. I have never met her and am not likely to, any work related evenings are strictly employees only, no partners allowed.
I really don't think he can be ill, he's a fitness nut, never ill etc, leaves early for work and the surgery doesn't open til 8.30.
He's never kept secrets from me and I have never been remotely suspicious or paranoid before.

As for not questioning his behaviour when Lucy calls and he heads her off at the pass, I'm not really sure, I never thought anything of it but then it happened a couple of times, then the ring, then the welling up/gulping followed etc and i started to think something wasn't adding up.

Have you ever been given a gift by someone who was trying to hide something from you or had a guilty conscience about something they'd done and hadn't told you, OP? Or were you told as a child to beware of gifts that appeared to be given for no reason?

Trust your instinct OP.

Goddess I've no idea who you are but if you have some personal beef with me, can you keep it off this thread?

No on both counts goddess, but the ring is part of a wider web of suspicion, not an integral thread. The ring on its own would have not aroused my suspicion, but having said that it us unusual for my husband to spend several thousands on a gift without a. Discussing it with me and b. After we've already spent several thousands on the holiday to celebrate the anniversary, an expensive ring too is just unlike him.

You're a mumsnet regular, so you'll know that 99 times out of 100 posters intuition about their partners behaviour is correct.

I hope you get some answers soon.

I was going to suggest exactly the same to you, Twinkle, but I would infinitely prefer you to have the courtesy to use pms to take issue with those whose responses you disagree with instead of posting your criticisms of them in such an unnecesarily hostile manner.

Totally understand why u r driving urself nuts over this paranoia , there does seem to be something awry.

Really hope u get to the bottom of it

Well I hope he isn't ill. But being fit is irrelevant - I know quite a few people, fit as fiddles, who've either recently had heart attacks or been diagnosed with cancer It's just from what you say about his character and about your marriage, in a way an affair doesn't sound right. But then you seem to think an affair is the most likely explanation, and you know him best. So maybe you're right. Why don't you ask him why he warned Lucy you were present when she phoned?