Feel like I'm going crazy with suspicion

[Paranoiacentral]

God I feel sick that I'm even writing this. I've name changed as im a regular poster with a memorable name!
Right, sorry I'm shaking , but I've had to work myself up to even post this let alone deal with might or might not be happening.
I'm suspicious about my husband, this kills me to say, he's a good man, a great man, an equal, a fabulously kind, generous, respectful man and a wonderful father. There is no back story, no history of cheating, no violence, no problems. So far, so sickeningly perfect.
BUT, I just can't shake off the feeling that something is going on. Let me give you the sum total of my suspicions so far;
Refuses to answer any calls from a certain work colleague (let's call her Lucy) in front of me. To the point that on two seperate occasions over the past month she has called whilst I have been in the car with him and he has actually answered with the following lines 'before you say anything Lucy let me just say I am in the car with Paranoiacentral'
Last week she called en route to the airport and he answers with 'sorry i couldn't talk before Lucy i was packing the car up with paranoia and the children, who are all here with me now'.....

He came home with a whacking great diamond ring 6 weeks ago, completely out of the blue. I feel horrible using this accusingly but it's so unlike him.

Now this one really will make me seem crazy.....on a few occasions recently he seems to get teary eyed when we are cuddling/kissing, he'll he onto me so tightly and say 'I love you so much' but then makes a gulping sound right after. Like I said crazy, but new for him. And the gulping is odd, like he's lying or afraid.
That's the sum total of my fears, not much I know, but the big concern, my main fear is the 'feeling' I don't know if it's instinct or what but something is different, something has changed and j can't put my finger on what it is. But it's starting to make me act differently in front of him, it's corrosive and its eating away at me. On holiday I couldn't stand to be around him, though I think I hid it well.
Oh god, I don't know what to do and I need your advice.

Maybe Lucy was helping with sourcing the ring so when she rang it may have been about it being delivered or other such stage in the buying process. He had to say you were there so Lucy didn't give the game away.

No way james, he would never have anyone help him with something like that. Plus, one of the calls came after the ring, in fact two.

I'm another one who thought that his phone comments to her sounded like he might have been planning a surprise that she knew about and he did not want mentioned in the circumstances. Is the significant anniversary past now or could there still be a surprise to come?

No more surprises, the anniversary has gone. Unless of course he's saving the biggest surprise of all and is actually shagging her. Sorry, gallows humour.

Not the case cherry, the engagement ring is Tiffany so certainly not a mend and make do piece of jewellery!

You're going to carry on like this, aren't you? (Analyzing and watching everything.) If you do, I don't see how the relationship can survive in any case.

You really need to speak to him about it - and other posters have suggested ways to go about that.

I think I'm going to have to keep my powder dry. Mentally detach from these corrosive thoughts and see what happens. If he is having an affair the lust will make him take risks or act stupidly and everything will come out in the end.
Maybe something happened and he panicked and is trying to make up for it or maybe I'll just never know.
Maybe I'm going crazy and there is nothing wrong, it's all in my head, I've come to bed as I just can't face being downstairs with him. I'm going to have to get a bloody grip.

Yes all normal here, thanks to everyone who replied. I know it wasn't very dramatic, MN loves a good real time show down thread! If I have anymore suspicions or if anything else happens, rest assured I will confront him.

Paranoia, your situation is very similar to mine, spookily so except I'm a year on. Suspicion is a dreadful way to live and has driven me half crazy. You can talk to your DH about this without accusing him of adultery and I would urge you to do this.

Tell him that you are feeling uncomfortable but you can't really put your finger on it. Find a way to let him know that alarms bells are ringing and that something isn't right. His reaction will tell you lots.

I knew something was wrong, still is but it wasn't quite what I thought it was.

Meanwhile, if anyone knows how to get past a phone passcode and an email password please let me know!

I don't think I have misunderstood goddess. You've suggested several times to be extra nice to him , specifically to make him feel guilty. People having affairs aren't generally troubled by guilt, and if they are it's not enough to actually stop them. If anything I think treating him like a God will further reinforce the idea that he's free to continue and his poor naive doting wife doesn't suspect a thing.

Op you might find this site helpfull talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/

If you have a read through there are several threads about how to access phones and laptops.

I'm not surprised you have these gut feelings. I'm afraid I'd be suspicious also.

The Lucy on the phone thing is really indiscreet. It reads as if he almost made a statement about you being there rather than just dropping it in casually. Really odd.

I can relate to the sad thing and have been through similar. Made me uncomfortable also

How old are you both, if you don't mind me asking?

How do you know when hrs telling you he loves you so much that the tearful response isn't fear of losing you as he senses you have become distant?

I think - sorry - you do need to get a grip. You have an 18 year marriage, and it is worth standing up for. I don't mean the Pick Me dance, but the fact that this is your husband and you should be able to ask him.

You don't need to accuse him of an affair, but you can surely express that YOU don't feel comfortable with the way Lucy's calls were handled in front of you; and you are concerned about other out of character behaviour. That way you are not accusing him of anything but you are getting your concerns expressed. Letting these suspicions fester will just do more damage.

OP - my deepest sympathies - it's all so "off".

I'm totally anti "LTB", however I'm stunned by the almost unilateral assumptions here today suggesting he's ill/redundant. Wtaf? "Maybe she swears"? Jesus wept.

Lucy can talk shop with him because they work "shop", if their projects are somewhat aligned they'll have business to discuss anyway.

I'm sorry op but I think he's having some form of dalliance with Lucy and I'm not sure why everyone is so keen to say it isn't so.

Perhaps your glowing description of him in your initial post and talk of spending thousands has exhonerated him from such louche behaviour! :/

Because the tearing up came first moopy, the clinging and cuddling and gulping all came first, my distance has been because of that

I do agree with beyond- I haven't seen such a search for excuses before.

The ring alone wouldn't have aroused my suspicions either, OP, but, as you say, its become an integral part of your fear that your dh is engaged in an emotional or physical affair with one of his female colleagues.

As I think it's probable your instincts are correct, I'm very sorry I can't allay your fears and all I can do is advise you to re-read all of the advice you've been given on this thread and follow that which has most resonance for you and which you feel most comfortable with.

Perhaps the next time he gets teary-eyed, or gulps and holds you tight, you'll be able to ask whether anything is troubling him and whether there's anything you can do to help him. If he is the good man you know him to be, I feel sure that a gentle enquiry will be all it takes for him to unburden himself.

Fwiw, I feel sure he loves you very much and if he is conflicted by guilt it's because he doesn't want to lose you.

It is off beyond, off is the right word. Of course she talks shop to him once she knows I'm there but what was she going to say before she knew that? Who knows. She works for him, running some contracts so of course there is a certain degree of 'checking in' required.

What phone does he use Op ?

I actually went through the sad and almost teary clinch thing with my ex. I gently confronted it and I hate to say but a partial confession followed.

I always trust my gut feeling. It's seldom wrong.

I think of all the advice what I'm going to take away and possibly utilise is the 'is there anything wrong' school of thought. Prior to today I had only thought of asking 'are you having an affair' I now realise I don't necessarily have to do this.
What worries me about this approach is will he hear alarm bells and then go to greater lengths to keep the affair secret? Whereas if I say nothing will he get cocky and make a mistake or slip up?
I'm sorry I'm rambling. I know precisely nothing at this point except a feeling in my gut.