Feel like I'm going crazy with suspicion

[Paranoiacentral]

God I feel sick that I'm even writing this. I've name changed as im a regular poster with a memorable name!
Right, sorry I'm shaking , but I've had to work myself up to even post this let alone deal with might or might not be happening.
I'm suspicious about my husband, this kills me to say, he's a good man, a great man, an equal, a fabulously kind, generous, respectful man and a wonderful father. There is no back story, no history of cheating, no violence, no problems. So far, so sickeningly perfect.
BUT, I just can't shake off the feeling that something is going on. Let me give you the sum total of my suspicions so far;
Refuses to answer any calls from a certain work colleague (let's call her Lucy) in front of me. To the point that on two seperate occasions over the past month she has called whilst I have been in the car with him and he has actually answered with the following lines 'before you say anything Lucy let me just say I am in the car with Paranoiacentral'
Last week she called en route to the airport and he answers with 'sorry i couldn't talk before Lucy i was packing the car up with paranoia and the children, who are all here with me now'.....

He came home with a whacking great diamond ring 6 weeks ago, completely out of the blue. I feel horrible using this accusingly but it's so unlike him.

Now this one really will make me seem crazy.....on a few occasions recently he seems to get teary eyed when we are cuddling/kissing, he'll he onto me so tightly and say 'I love you so much' but then makes a gulping sound right after. Like I said crazy, but new for him. And the gulping is odd, like he's lying or afraid.
That's the sum total of my fears, not much I know, but the big concern, my main fear is the 'feeling' I don't know if it's instinct or what but something is different, something has changed and j can't put my finger on what it is. But it's starting to make me act differently in front of him, it's corrosive and its eating away at me. On holiday I couldn't stand to be around him, though I think I hid it well.
Oh god, I don't know what to do and I need your advice.

Listen to your gut instinct its always right, dont confront him untill you have checked his phone as it will give him chance to delete stuff. Sadly when this happened to me his phone had all the evidence to confront him, he couldn't deny it, although he did try even when I had phone in my hand. But then realised I had read all the text between him an ow!

It's definitely a possibility. Just putting it forward.

But if you want me to be overactive...

Maybe he's running a drugs trade

Maybe he's secretly a spy

Maybe he's bought a diamond mine and is keeping it secret

All maybes.

over-active imaginations
If only it was this.
Unfortunately, many many of us on here speak from experience!!!
That's why it's such a great site.

Well in fairness, I think they were criticising me for suggesting it wasn't an affair, against most people's experience ... which I still think is a possibility (life can be strange, and weird stuff does happen).

But again, I think the first step should be talking about it. Especially if someone's looking guilty/troubled and clearly not at masking their feelings.

Unfortunately I am speaking from experience, I so wish I wasn't as it has changed my life and still is.

There is a fairly commonsense explanation for this that doesn't involve cheating, and this is that "Lucy" is having some personal issues that are private, and your DH has got wrapped up in some supportive relationship to do with something in her private life that she doesn't want known more broadly.

This could be all the more the case if he has pastoral or line management responsibilities for her. This would explain why he's so open about saying he can't speak while you are there (wouldn't that be a little odd in a cheat?)

My DH was having these "private" calls with a female colleague for a while. I wasn't suspicious of his fidelity, but I knew that something slightly out of the ordinary was going on. A few weeks later, she herself told me she had been diagnosed with a serious illness but didn't want it generally known (it has a stigma attached to it). He has pastoral care responsibilities as her line manager and was making sure she was OK and trying to protect her privacy.

But it is most likely some kind of secret relationship/affair.

I dunno... if I were to cheat, the last thing I would do is to take a call from my sleazy fuck buddy in the car with my DH and commence the conversation with 'I can't talk right now, DH is right here and would totally rumble us so let's speak about our next passionate tryst once he's safely out of the way'. I would probably ignore the call, or answer and say 'No, you've got the wrong number' or some pre-arranged signal that I couldn't talk.

God, I feel weird even talking about cheating like this . I have this sudden sense that even thinking it hypothetically to help the OP is wrong!! I may need my smelling salts in a minute!!

It is a bit odd to answer calls like that isn't it?
What happens once he says that? What does she say? What does he say? What do you say?
I'd be inclined to say 'why do you say that when Lucy calls?' Next time she calls and he says it.

Have you considered that DH might have had a relationship with Lucy, it is now over (hence the expensive present and emotional moment), but Lucy is still wanting contact which would explain why it is happening over the phone and outside of work?

Yes Freda I have thought that.
Shovetheholly, he couldn't say it was a wrong number as the callers name flashes up on the screen when the phone rings, when she has rung and I have been present she has called several times and he has declined the calls until I've said 'just answer her it must be important' that is when he's answered and immediately informed her that I'm present.
A private detective is impossible, we have completely transparent joint accounts, he would notice a payment missing like that. He does leave his phone lying around when he goes running etc but as I said it's got a passcode so I couldn't get into it anyway.
I might have to watch more carefully when he's tapping it in and see if j can see anything.

The first thing that springs to my mind is that he's got a health problem. Of all his colleagues his PA would know about this because of his work diary and his behaviour to you O P would be explained if he had worries.

If all else has been well, that's the thing I'd be most concerned about. If he was trying to disguise illicit phone calls he'd just warn everyone "you're on speakerphone "

You should talk to him.

She's not his PA.

I am curious at the number of posters who think their dh would tell random colleagues in depth health concerns- and not them.

I know what I did when I had no evidence but after feeling something was wrong and finding something peculiar I just went at it with a firm don't bullshit me approach.

Strangely for a compulsive liar he admit everything there and then and didn't try and lie to cover up the affair.

I am though the sort of person who would rather hit something head on and get to the bottom of the problem or issue and the truth didn't scare me.

If he is a good man and making gulping noises etc I doubt if confronted he will lie, that is my gut instinct from what you have written.

The point is accusing someone of actually having an affair if they are not is itself damaging to a relationship.

I never accused I just asked why my feeling that something was so wrong and why two ticket stubs in his pocket were found ( jeans that went to laundry basket)

If I was in your shoes I would probably ask if he was bidding something because you feel strange about the way he is behaving but can't put your finger on why.

Good luck op

Sorry, just realised she's not his PA, I just dreamt that

The part in this that niggles me is the ring, for me it fits more that...he had a ons with Lucy and is not having the affair but brought you the ring as a way of saying sorry. That to me fits with still answering the phone to her but warning her not to say anything about that night

Op hope you are OK

I'm with ivy- it feels as though something happened- it's over now.

I hope he can be honest with you, op. It will make a huge difference.

I feel that you are reluctant to actually look at his phone....it's so easy after all, as I have already said, ask to borrow it. There's loads of excuses to borrow his phone. Yours is flat/lost/broken and you need to get a family members number from his contacts list/or you need to make a call etc. If he won't hand his phone over, fine you won't see any texts with Lucy, BUT you've established he has something to hide. So this at least tells you something! Easy peasy. I just don't get why you're not doing this.

Surely you must occasionally look at him as he's typing in his PIN or swiping the pattern to unlock the phone?

DD sussed out a PIN once by looking at the pattern of fingerprints on the screen. Concentration of prints above four buttons.

Can't you ask to borrow his phone when you're in the car or something? Pretend you need to look at a map whilst he's driving and say you've left your phone at home?

Or just ask him outright to see his phone as you're suspicious something is going on?

Are you a health care professional in Gloucester ?

My first thought was health/work related too.

MBIT and LM, not helpful or in the spirit of MN to try and 'out' the OP, IMO.

Was thinking more that it sounds extremely like the plot of "Doctor Foster" rather than outing anyone, actually.

OK, if that's telly you've got me, I don't watch it!