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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So I have made myself look like a tit

243 replies

Esmeismyhero · 26/09/2015 21:56

Dh and I are away for a weekend, he has been to a convention and I've been relaxing, all fab.

Tonight we went to a "party". We were meant to be meeting his friends from this convention etc and sounded fab. We booked tickets and I spent ages getting ready (I very very rarely go out so I was really excited)

The party ended up being a gathering in a pub (all fine so far) except dh doesn't introduce me to anyone and just goes and watches the rugby.

I'm not very good socially and I don't know anyone there, he goes to the downstairs of the pub and for 45 mins I'm sat on the sofas alone because I'm a fucking dick :(

I finally found dh and called a taxi to come back to the hotel and have a blub.

Dh said I knew he was going to watch the rugby (I didn't, when he said it I thought he was joking) now I'm back at the hotel and feel like a tit.

I brought a nice top and did my hair and makeup I was very excited to go with dh, talk to new people etc. now I've ruined it by coming back to the hotel like an idiot, he didn't even ask me to stay when I asked for a cab.

He came back to the hotel a min ago and said sorry etc but I feel awful, I've ruined the evening.

Nothing to say really apart from I need Wine

OP posts:
Original poster
Esmeismyhero · 28/09/2015 13:32

Sorry everyone, it's been manic since we got back. Dd had a meltdown this morning about school and last night about various things. I've spent all this time just unpacking and dealing with dd.

Thankfully she is being seen by another specialist on the 13th October and we can hopefully get more help. I'm dreading next September when she starts school hopefully another year will make a difference to the behaviour.

So update, I've just sat down but I've got stuff to do this afternoon.

I will be updating in full this evening.

OP posts:
AndTheBandPlayedOn · 28/09/2015 17:01

I agree with AF and clam.
My impression of the texting was that it was a 90 second function of performing to a script. This was his preference rather than socializing with you, Eame. (...and didn't he look good to the other blokes? brushed off his wife and fixed it with a couple of texts. Angry ) The function is to keep you sweet and on the hook for next time, if any. Your response, imho, (the OK fine one) imho seemed like a brainwashed reflexive response.

When he is handing you a pile of shit, quit putting your hand out to receive it. This is where you need your self respect to trump his "feelings" if he has any (should also trump his "needs", "wants", and expectations as well).

Yes to assertiveness training class/books for you. And what is your hobby? Wink

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 28/09/2015 17:02

*Esme, sorry for the typo.

featherandblack · 28/09/2015 17:46

Oh for goodness sake, is it now impossible to plan a weekend by yourself, including a night watching the rugby, without being a monster? I now understand why this board gets such dreadful press.

clam · 28/09/2015 18:03

featherandblack one of the reasons MN gets a certain reputation is for the number of posters who persist in jumping into a thread without reading it properly and, in this case, neglecting to pay attention to the fact that there is a whole back story here that shows that this is about a lot more than a wife seeming to want to put the kibosh on her husband watching the rugby.

featherandblack · 28/09/2015 18:13

I took the time to read the full thread and the two of the previous threads. (Which is why I said he wasn't a nice bloke) but his behaviour still needs to be looked at fairly. The way the OP has acted about this is not going to endear her to any partner and it's no kindness to encourage her to ignore this and see his horrible tendencies in everything. That's one of the reasons MN gets a certain reputation. Once a man is identified as generally at fault he can do nothing right, the poster in question can do nothing wrong, and every event is used as a vehicle to get her to leave. Now perhaps she should leave, but that will become clear on the strength of the evidence. No need - and not helpful - to demonise his every move.

AnyFucker · 28/09/2015 18:14

MN has a "certain reputation" ?

I'd call that a result

Cheers, fab Thanks

Alibabsandthe40Musketeers · 28/09/2015 20:14

Oh he is the sleep study man.

Esme you sound lovely, and so lacking in self esteem. I will wait for your update before I comment any further.

Dontunderstand01 · 28/09/2015 20:23

Going against the grain and agreeing with feather.

But, if you're spending your weekend crying your hotel room- for whatever reason- , and don't feel as though you can tell your DH how you feel (lying and saying you're fine), perhaps you should review whether or not you should be together.

mathanxiety · 29/09/2015 04:55

I think plenty of posters have pointed out that the OP is doing lots wrong.

Putting out her hand to gratefully accept the shit that is handed to her sums it up well.

featherandblack · 29/09/2015 09:59

Hmmm, they haven't, actually. It's clear that the OP is feeling a lot of anger that is turned inwards into self-blaming and self-pity. She didn't start a thread because she thought she was a fool, she started it because she thought she'd been badly treated. She needs to be acknowledge that to herself, rather than waiting until enough people have told her she's a victim. She also needs to be able to accept that no situation is clear-cut and an unbalanced perspective is in no one's interests. Everyone has things they should own and this is no different. She can leave if she wants to; she has been encouraged to see this relationship is no good times without number. Instead, she comes on here when the relationship is getting tough and receives sympathy weighted on the side of seeing her 100% as a victim. This buoys her up enough to carry on. Instead of expressing her anger to her husband in a way that might lead to some honest discussion, she is expressing it here in a way that leads to tea and sympathy - when what she really needs is to be able to say, 'I'm not getting my needs met, I'm not being treated well, I have a right to be angry about that and a responsibility to do something about that, I also want to learn everything I can from this experience and I was a teeny bit unreasonable here not to accept that my DP wanted a weekend to himself in the first place.'

featherandblack · 29/09/2015 10:03

Something else: I've frequently seen Any responding to unwelcome opinions from posters with sarcastic responses intended to ridicule. This is deeply ironic and hypocritical, given that posters are generally instructed to flee from such treatment on the grounds that it's abusive. Double standards. Hmm

Dontunderstand01 · 29/09/2015 12:07

Clam, hope you're ok.

clam · 29/09/2015 12:49

Eh? I'm OK

I've been reading AF's posts for years now and I've never seen her be sarcastic or unpleasant to posters on the relationships board who are asking for help. She can be blunt and say it as it is, but often people need that, as in real life our friends will sugar-coat things and tell us what we want to hear.

Shutthatdoor · 29/09/2015 12:58

She can be blunt and say it as it is, but often people need that, as in real life our friends will sugar-coat things and tell us what we want to hear.

I'm not saying it is in this case, but being 'blunt' and 'telling it like it is' can be rude, unhelpful and close down differing opinions.

AnyFucker · 29/09/2015 13:09

I like the reputation that MN has. That is why I am here. Here is a rare place on the net where the male voice is not given precedence.

I have no problem with upsetting corespondents, my concern is with the OP.

laurierf · 29/09/2015 13:26

If people are such fragile flowers they are too scared to offer different opinions to AF, then perhaps they're not best placed to advise the OP anyway.

And if MN's "certain reputation" is that you will get people who actually give a shit about a woman's situation and - to steal from a great post on another thread - say;

"it's not normal, red flag, this was my experience too and this is what happened in the end, call Women's Aid, we'll support you, get out, life can be free and good"… then all power to it.

AnyFucker · 29/09/2015 15:01

And this pisses me off: we have to be "fair" where the sensibilities of men are concerned

When it's a level playing field with respect to how much crap women are expected to tolerate for the sake of a relationship, how the shitwork falls to women by default, how women are supposed to be the constant negotiators just to receive a basic level of decency and respect......

Then I am happy to bring it down to a matter of simple "fairness"

summerwinterton · 29/09/2015 15:28

I don't want ever to be fair about a man who treats a woman like crap. I think AF is too restrained sometimes tbh.

thegreysheep · 29/09/2015 16:23

"It's been going on for the duration of us together so who knows when the penny will drop and he stops."

I've read all posts but this jumped out at me because I waited for 7 years for my Ex to have such a realisation. I don't know if it's a power thing or what, but he'd watch me getting ready being excited and then drop some sort of bombshell - make us late/ he didn't want to go/ sit glued to sport on the TV in the event all night/ act like he didn't want to be there - every time. And every time my hopes would be dashed and every time I would think - "maybe one day".

It was only when I stopped thinking in ifs and maybes and took a cold hard look at how things ARE (and every time I pulled him up on stuff he'd actually say "one day" and "don't look at the past think of how it MIGHT be in future" actually mimicking my thoughts) that I was able to accept things as they actually ARE. And then DECIDE if that was what I wanted for the future.

Very painful realisation and acceptance, and the decision was that it wasn't what I wanted (hence he's now an ex). But it set me free and is MUCH less painful than hanging on hoping for something (love/care/respect) that will NEVER materealise (and my ex had the lovely words and I love you's also). While your confidence is being eroded (and his is being boosted by your pain) bit by bit.

featherandblack · 29/09/2015 19:03

And this pisses me off: we have to be "fair" where the sensibilities of men are concerned

So you feel the majority women are victims and a perk of being a victim is not having to worry about having a balanced perspective? I find that quite patronising, actually. I like being accurate. I wouldn't appreciate someone telling me that i didn't have to worry about reasonable because the other side has set the standards and they are lower. And there is nothing but self-inflicted misery to be gained from nurturing a victim mentality unnecessarily. It will not make you happier or more likeable; it will only increase the chances of the next relationship also being dysfunctional. So encouraging the OP to also look at her own behaviour here is more about being fair to her than to her partner summer.

Mumsnet has a great reputation, better than the reputation of the relationships board. But if AF speaks for the majority, it seems that it's accurate; there is no interest in arriving at what the truth is, just in making sure than women fighting men are helped to win, regardless.

Laurie is also demonstrating the humiliation that goes on to silence unpopular viewpoints - ironically the very same kind of belittling that the archetypal abuser would engage in, rather than respond rationally to a point. I'm not a fragile flower, thanks, I just don't appreciate the tone. Any, you did not respond to my point that you use humiliation and sarcasm to shut down posters who disagree with you despite this being the treatment you deplore in men. Do you usually respond to fair criticism with a rant about the underdog? That's a red flag in my book. Or are you allowed to say what you like because you're female?

Chippednailvarnish · 29/09/2015 19:08

Feather you don't actually seem that interested in the op, so maybe you would be better starting your own thread and grinding your axe over there.

Hope you are okay OP and that you weren't brow beaten too much by either your DF or DP on your return.

laurierf · 29/09/2015 20:12

Actually feather, the 'fragile flower' comment was not directed at you - who has freely offered your opinion about the OP, AF, me and MN in general on this thread - but at anyone who feels that a blunt poster like AF silences differing opinions on a thread of this nature. It is clear - whichever way you look at it - that the OP needs to stand up for herself, and if you feel too intimidated to post on a thread where AF is posting a different opinion from yours, you're unlikely to be in the best place to advise the OP. Lots of posters are happy to post Flowers just to say 'no advice but I've read and am thinking of you'. I hope the OP takes some comfort from the fact that lots of women are reading her posts and wanting to support her - in their own particular way - in getting out of this horrible situation. I think MN relationships board is actually pretty great for that.

featherandblack · 29/09/2015 20:41

Chipped - I do care about the OP but she isn't posting at the moment. I have contributed my opinion and I care enough about it that I don't want it shot down. If the OP is truly being mistreated in her marriage, it might also be helpful for her to see how a different perspective can be calmly put forward in the face of a variety of manipulative strategies. I don't particularly have an axe to grind - I'll drop it when I'm ready to (or when the OP returns), not when AF or anyone else decides to throw some sarcasm my way.

Laurie - I realised that the fragile flower comment was directed at others but it's still belittling - I suspect you would be calling red flag if an OP reported being called this by her DH if she said she felt shot down! In responding, I was trying to point out that posters may simply not appreciate being spoken to that way, rather than being 'too scared' to comment. It's a fallacy to think that people who are loudest and happy to ridicule are most likely to be right. They're most likely to be heard - that's all.

I think posters who are willing to offer advice to people in vulnerable situations should be prepared to practice what they preach and what they are telling posters should be the norm for decent individuals.

SisterMoonshine · 29/09/2015 20:45

Thing is OP, what you call getting ready for the party: facial, pedicure, clothes shopping (and he watched it all happen). Might he call all that 'me time'.
Was he doing a bit of 'well you've been doing what you want all day...."