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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So I have made myself look like a tit

243 replies

Esmeismyhero · 26/09/2015 21:56

Dh and I are away for a weekend, he has been to a convention and I've been relaxing, all fab.

Tonight we went to a "party". We were meant to be meeting his friends from this convention etc and sounded fab. We booked tickets and I spent ages getting ready (I very very rarely go out so I was really excited)

The party ended up being a gathering in a pub (all fine so far) except dh doesn't introduce me to anyone and just goes and watches the rugby.

I'm not very good socially and I don't know anyone there, he goes to the downstairs of the pub and for 45 mins I'm sat on the sofas alone because I'm a fucking dick :(

I finally found dh and called a taxi to come back to the hotel and have a blub.

Dh said I knew he was going to watch the rugby (I didn't, when he said it I thought he was joking) now I'm back at the hotel and feel like a tit.

I brought a nice top and did my hair and makeup I was very excited to go with dh, talk to new people etc. now I've ruined it by coming back to the hotel like an idiot, he didn't even ask me to stay when I asked for a cab.

He came back to the hotel a min ago and said sorry etc but I feel awful, I've ruined the evening.

Nothing to say really apart from I need Wine

OP posts:
HellKitty · 27/09/2015 10:43

Esme, you need to work on your self esteem. My DP used to gig and so I was taken to a lot of pubs and clubs and knew no one - my choice! I'd talk to anyone and frequently did. Especially the camaraderie of smokers outside.

ohtheholidays · 27/09/2015 10:54

Esme,I've just read your other thread about your husband and I read all through this one last night.

You sound like such a lovely person you really do and the way your husband has been treating you is awful!

You sound far to good for him and your husband is a fool if he doesn't realise that.If he won't change and treat you with the love and respect that you deserve then I really hope you can find the courage to leave him and make a happy life for yourself and your LO's.Flowers

clam · 27/09/2015 11:02

I'm guessing the "Katie" means someone entered the OP's name wrong. Sad because all his mates/colleagues know so little about her

OnIlkelyMoorBahtat · 27/09/2015 11:08

HellKitty but Esme wanted her husband to introduce her to his friends which he knew, but he still buggered off to watch the rugby. To be fair, it's irrelevant to Esme if other people are ok with bowling up to strangers to introduce themselves - the point is, Esme isn't. And then her husband sees her sitting on a sofa behind him at the rugby and doesn't bring her over to sit with him, or go and sit with her when there was no room where he was - which is mad when you think about it, it's his wife!

I agree Esme needs to work on her self esteem though; not so much in the context of introducing herself to strangers at parties, more like in the context of not putting up with her husband's selfish behaviour towards with her.

So sorry Esme, this thread must be really hard reading Sad Flowers

AnyFucker · 27/09/2015 11:28

I would like to know who "Katie" is.

AnyFucker · 27/09/2015 11:29

Shit, what was I right about. That doesn't sound good .

RJnomaaaaaargh · 27/09/2015 11:33

Esme I have never wanted to give someone on mn a hug as much as I want to hug you right now.

You matter. Your feelings matter.

Starkswillriseagain · 27/09/2015 11:38

Esme, this sounds like a very repetitive cycle. You've said he's thoughtless and often upsets you and needs to be told, but you minimise it as just him being bad socially. There's apparently previously threads and a backstory with you being very upset but these and worse incidences of him being selfish or pushy and you being passive.

When will it be enough that you say enough? I asked you before why you being in love with him trumps him respecting, caring and loving you back and now your own safety from the sleep clinic update? It seems very one sided with him having everything and you very little and being passive towards him.

Someone mentioned assertiveness training, you should try it, it does really help- I've been before and they also help you realise when someone is being passive, passive aggressive, assertive or aggressive.

tribpot · 27/09/2015 11:45

I wondered if Katie was the DH's ex-wife, but that would be dreadful.

This whole party that turned up to be a rugby match thing is very odd, I'm guessing it was booked before someone realised the rugby would be on (although given these dates have been known for years is that plausible?) and then the idea of a party was abandoned in favour of the match. Given the DH didn't want Esme to go, why not tell her that when he realised? And why dump her instead of at least inviting her to watch the game?

After that there seems to be have been a lot of martyring on both sides 'oh no, you go back and have fun' 'I love you so much what is wrong' 'nothing I am fine' etc etc.

Own your feelings, OP. If you are angry say so, don't minimise.

HellKitty · 27/09/2015 12:14

Onilkleymoor, sorry yes. My ex was an abusive arsehole and it was only after I'd left that I'd force myself to be the person I used to be, or want to be. Including talking to randoms.

This sounds just like a boys night out in which shed tagged along. He sounds like a dick.

arthriticfingers · 27/09/2015 12:20

Watch
This video

HortonWho · 27/09/2015 13:09

OP, you try to explain away the bad intention behind a lot of your husband's negative actions and words. Perhaps this saying might help you realise that if you repeat something that hurts someone else often enough, it doesn't matter how good your intentions might be:

Watch your thoughts, they become words.
Watch your words, they become actions.
Watch your actions, they become habits.
Watch your habits, they become character.
Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.

Original poster
Esmeismyhero · 27/09/2015 14:04

Fuck I'm Katie :/ I'll report that and get it deleted. See I'm outing myself.

OP posts:
OnIlkelyMoorBahtat · 27/09/2015 15:06

HellKitty Flowers

brokenhearted55a · 27/09/2015 17:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PlopsyWhopsy · 27/09/2015 18:07

Have y managed to have a chat with him yet? It's ok to feel you need to get upset/argue and not let it be bottled up

featherandblack · 27/09/2015 22:06

I don't know...he did try and tell the OP in every possible way that he wanted to have this weekend with his hobby and his mates. She may have thought she could come to the party but he certainly didn't invite her on the weekend and invite her to it. She knew she'd be tagging along. He even told her specifically that he didn't want her to come because then he'd have to worry about her not being on her own - but she was annoyed because he didn't do that. I don't like what I've read of this bloke in other threads but I think he's getting a rather hard time over this incident. I'm not sure how he was supposed to look at her getting her hair done and say, 'Don't bother, it's only the rugby,' either. I can't think of a nice way he could have done that. And if the OP listened to him so little about his desire to have this weekend to himself, why is he automatically to blame that she got the wrong end of the stick about the kind of party it was to be? I would be annoyed if I'd 'booked' a weekend to myself ages in advance and ended up being expected to nanny my other half instead of watching the rugby when she had assured me that she was coming on the weekend to do her own thing - and had justified ignoring my desire for a weekend to myself by saying she had a right to do exactly what I was doing. Yet when it did occur to him that he'd upset her (he doesn't seem like the sharpest knife in the drawer), he gave up the night out to come back and apologise and be with her. And the thought of her in the hotel room alone troubled him, just as he'd been afraid it would. He sounds a bit claustrophobic and I can sort of see why, really. She doesn't actually care if he needs a tiny bit of autonomy. She says she does, but she doesn't in practice.

featherandblack · 27/09/2015 22:09

If it was a man behaving like this, on the strength of this one incident, the OP would be warned that controlling and abusive relationships often begin with the victim not being allowed to go to things on their own and not being listened to when they ask for space. And being manipulated into giving way.

BlahBlahUsername · 27/09/2015 22:17

If it was a man behaving like this

Behaving like what?

TheLastCarnival · 27/09/2015 22:22

Flowers Wine

I know exactly how you feel, my husband did this to me numerous times in the days when he actually bothered to take me out with him. His always said that he felt fine leaving me because I could talk to anyone, which was true at one point in my life but having spent years with no one but the children to talk to I forgot how to socialise and am still not very good in large groups.

You need to have it out with him when you are feeling calmer because it is not something you want to happen on a regular basis and regardless of whether or not he has any common sense he definitely needs to brush up on his manners!

I wonder does he treat you like this often? He should have invited you to watch the rugby with him, even if it is not your thing in a social gathering it can be quite fun to do.

Is there a reason you didn't just follow him downstairs?

You don't have to answer my questions, really just want you to think about your behaviour as well as his. I know for me I wouldn't have followed my husband because he wouldn't have wanted me to, if he hadn't actually said I was to come then it meant he was going on his own and me following would have meant me being told off later for embarrassing him by having a "needy" wife!

SilverBadger · 27/09/2015 23:04

Have now read previous posts and reluctantly agree with AF that I was naïve. This man just doesn't care about you. I think you probably know that by now, and what you must do. You deserve so much better. Good luck.

AnyFucker · 27/09/2015 23:21

Very gracious of you, SB Wink

Anyway, I'd like to know if the OP is ok. It's all gone a bit quiet Sad

clam · 28/09/2015 08:34

I remember that previous thread re: this weekend away. He didn't want you to come, and when you persisted (for perfectly valid reasons), and he could no longer wriggle out of it, he decided to punish you and make sure that you didn't enjoy it (as he predicted you wouldn't).

Yay him. What a bastard.

HellKitty · 28/09/2015 08:47

Jesus Clam! Really? I haven't read previous threads. Esme, the man is a total cock.

clam · 28/09/2015 08:59

The other thing that strikes me is that you seem to have a lot more invested in this relationship than him. All the "you OK, hun? I'm worried about you" texts in the world count for nothing when his actual actions belie his words. Oh, and the fact that he told you he didn't love you anymore, only as a friend? And walked out when your child was ill? And then changed his mind, apparently. And tries to have sex with you (against your will?) when he's apparently asleep but railed against going for medical help about it?

I think you should take off your rose-coloured spectacles and take a long hard look at this bloke. You sound very sweet, and I'm angry on your behalf that he doesn't appear to deserve you.

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