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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So I have made myself look like a tit

243 replies

Esmeismyhero · 26/09/2015 21:56

Dh and I are away for a weekend, he has been to a convention and I've been relaxing, all fab.

Tonight we went to a "party". We were meant to be meeting his friends from this convention etc and sounded fab. We booked tickets and I spent ages getting ready (I very very rarely go out so I was really excited)

The party ended up being a gathering in a pub (all fine so far) except dh doesn't introduce me to anyone and just goes and watches the rugby.

I'm not very good socially and I don't know anyone there, he goes to the downstairs of the pub and for 45 mins I'm sat on the sofas alone because I'm a fucking dick :(

I finally found dh and called a taxi to come back to the hotel and have a blub.

Dh said I knew he was going to watch the rugby (I didn't, when he said it I thought he was joking) now I'm back at the hotel and feel like a tit.

I brought a nice top and did my hair and makeup I was very excited to go with dh, talk to new people etc. now I've ruined it by coming back to the hotel like an idiot, he didn't even ask me to stay when I asked for a cab.

He came back to the hotel a min ago and said sorry etc but I feel awful, I've ruined the evening.

Nothing to say really apart from I need Wine

OP posts:
SilverBadger · 27/09/2015 01:00

Thought so.

AnyFucker · 27/09/2015 01:00

Notgrumpy have you any more advice for the op or are you more interested in goading ?

So far, the sum total of your input has to been to victim blame by telling her that she hasn't been clear enough because men are not mind readers

And then a few uninformed and wilfully misguided pops at me

Bravo

Topseyt · 27/09/2015 01:08

I read some of your previous threads when they were running. I remember thinking that you did have a lot on your plate.

I have to admit though, there is a pattern here. Your DH doesn't really emerge from many of them smelling of roses.

He is the parasomniac who, whilst apparently still asleep (him), tried to force himself on you and assault you. You were terrified to sleep in the same room as him, yet he tried to get out of going to his appointment at the sleep clinic!!

He was an arse about that, disregarding your feelings and safety, and he was an arse yet again tonight, abandoning you with strangers whilst he disappeared to watch Rugby.

You are too passive. He is not getting the message. He doesn't really want to get the message, in all probability.

DixieNormas · 27/09/2015 01:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Italiangreyhound · 27/09/2015 01:20

Esme thinking of you. In your shoes I would get some assertiveness training. I'd be much clearer with dh too in future.

AND you are not a tit AND you did nothing wrong.

(PS not read all comments but hope I got the gist).

Topseyt · 27/09/2015 01:28

What was the outcome of the sleep clinic assessment? Was he given any diagnosis/instructions? Does he comply with the advice? Are his sleep problems now under control?

If he really respects you then of course he complies with it. He didn't respect you tonight though.

DixieNormas · 27/09/2015 01:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SilverNightFairy · 27/09/2015 01:45

Esme, I hope that you are able to get some rest. When you look at this tomorrow, I hope you will know, his shit treatment of you, is about him...not you. I lived with a similar situation for a long time. I nearly drove myself mad, just thinking if I could get it right, if I could just figure it out, I could make our relationship work. I knew The answer was just around the corner, if I could just try a littler harder. Turns out, I wasn't the problem and neither are you, honey. Flowers

FanDabbyFloozy · 27/09/2015 03:06

I remember the sleep thread. I hadn't linked the two.

I am surprised about the text exchange. You have fallen out (unsurprisingly) yet you are asking him if he's okay? Of course he is - he is in the pub with his friends. Leaving soon translates to leaving when he fancies.

I can't decide if you are afraid of him, or afraid of him leaving. Either way, do start living more independently, hanging out with friends and bullet-proofing your emotional and financial life just in case.

Isetan · 27/09/2015 03:46

i started typing out total bullshit just then, I don't know why I said I'm fine.

Because it's what you do, your H knows this and that's exactly what his declaration of underlying love was employed to do, induce short term apologies and long term amnesia. You've set the respect bar pretty low in your relationship and he doesn't feel the need to meet, or exceed it.

Yes your H is a dick but your greatest enemy in your relationship is yourself. As long as you continue to make excuses for him and as long as you employ your, 'I luuuurve him' joker to get out of acknowledging your contribution to your relationship dynamic, then this cycle will continue.

mathanxiety · 27/09/2015 04:00

He doesn't like you or respect you OP.

Why are you invested in keeping on trying to make a silk purse out of the pig's ear that you have here?
Do you think relationships should be hard work?
An endurance test with a finish line at which someone will give you your medal, or your H will fall at your feet and say 'How could I have been so wrong/so mean/such a complete tit/how did I not see how wonderful you were?
When the penny drops how do you imagine your life will be?
Do you deep down believe in fairy tales?

Costacoffeeplease · 27/09/2015 06:11

Hope you've had some rest op

I also don't understand why you're texting asking if he's ok, then telling him you're fine

He made it plain in August that he didn't want you to come on this weekend away, you insisted on going, it's been a disaster (his fault, not yours) and you feel like you've made a fool of yourself, so in future you'll stay at home like a good little wifey and he'll get to do what he wants. Result!! (for him)

But he's the one who made a fool of you

Please don't let him manipulate you any more, from this and your previous threads he's a fucking nightmare

Notpretending · 27/09/2015 08:35

I remember your thread about this weekend. It was always going to be a disaster. He didn't want you there. He said you wouldn't enjoy it and you haven't.

I don't understand why you thought it was a party when it was actually rugby in the pub. But that doesn't matter. He has treated you badly by ignoring you. He was never going to make you feel welcome amongst his cronies.

Sorry but I think you were naive to get all excited about it and make such an effort when you knew he didn't want you there.

diddl · 27/09/2015 09:36

But surely the OP didn't enjoy it as he didn't introduce her to anyone & then just went to watch the rugby?

So he made sure that she didn't enjoy it?

Could he not have forgone the rugby to spend time with his wife??!!

How clear was he that it wasn't a party & was just rugby in the pub?

Was the problem that OP thought that he was making excuses to exclude her?

HellKitty · 27/09/2015 09:48

My XH would take me out once a year to his annual fancy pants work do. I'd get excited, he'd promise he wouldn't act like the previous year and he would. I'd be stuck on a table of wives I had nothing in common with while he'd spend 5 hours at the bar with his tongue up his bosses arse. Absolute shite.

Notice 'X' husband.

No amount of room service can make up for that.

diddl · 27/09/2015 09:58

What I also meant to say was that even if it was rugby down the pub and I still decided to go, my husband wouldn't just dump me and run.

He'd make sure that I was introduced to others who weren't watching the rugby and come back from time to time to see that Iwas Ok.

If you don't get out often then I can see how Op might have thought that this was better than nothing.

Notpretending · 27/09/2015 09:59

Yes he made sure she didn't enjoy it. Then he carried on his evening with his friends. And next time she won't be able to go as he'll say, well you didn't enjoy it last time.

AnyFucker · 27/09/2015 10:00

Diddl, advance search op's other thread. It will make more sense, honest.

Notpretending · 27/09/2015 10:01

I also had an exh who made me feel like a spare part if we went anywhere on his territory. It's not nice.

Roussette · 27/09/2015 10:09

Esme, why, in your messages to your DH, do you say you are 'fine' when you are so obviously not.

I have a dear friend I have known most of my life and she does this. She is always saying "I'm FINE" when she isn't. Then it's a bit of a game guessing what's up, wondering if I've upset her and it really gets on my nerves trying to fathom out what's wrong.

Please just tell your DH how you feel.

Original poster
Esmeismyhero · 27/09/2015 10:11

It was a party, he said a party to mingle meet new people and get out (since we never do) I got a facial, pedicure, brought new clothes, spent ages on my hair etc. he saw all this happening. It was only when we got outside the hotel he had a passing comment about rugby.

When he actually took me to a pub, sat with a bunch of blokes and started jeering at the TV.

There was a party upstairs but I didn't know anyone, on my name take was dh wifes name!

If I was a social butterfly I would have gone up there and introduced myself and had a great time but I'm not, I'm a overweight housewife, whose self esteem is fucking shit and I got all done up for my husband to not give a fuck.

As you can tell I'm still a bit upset. I'll update later because I did speak to dh and anyfucker you'll be amazed what he said! You were right! X

OP posts:
Chippednailvarnish · 27/09/2015 10:13

So what are you going to do?

Penfold007 · 27/09/2015 10:17

Who is Katie!!!!!!!

DixieNormas · 27/09/2015 10:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

summerwinterton · 27/09/2015 10:42

So why do you put up with him ignoring you and generally treating you like rubbish? He says he loves you, but the way he treats you shows a far different picture? I wonder what happened to your self esteem. I bet he told you he didn't want you there anyway and he blamed it all on you?