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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

So I have made myself look like a tit

243 replies

Esmeismyhero · 26/09/2015 21:56

Dh and I are away for a weekend, he has been to a convention and I've been relaxing, all fab.

Tonight we went to a "party". We were meant to be meeting his friends from this convention etc and sounded fab. We booked tickets and I spent ages getting ready (I very very rarely go out so I was really excited)

The party ended up being a gathering in a pub (all fine so far) except dh doesn't introduce me to anyone and just goes and watches the rugby.

I'm not very good socially and I don't know anyone there, he goes to the downstairs of the pub and for 45 mins I'm sat on the sofas alone because I'm a fucking dick :(

I finally found dh and called a taxi to come back to the hotel and have a blub.

Dh said I knew he was going to watch the rugby (I didn't, when he said it I thought he was joking) now I'm back at the hotel and feel like a tit.

I brought a nice top and did my hair and makeup I was very excited to go with dh, talk to new people etc. now I've ruined it by coming back to the hotel like an idiot, he didn't even ask me to stay when I asked for a cab.

He came back to the hotel a min ago and said sorry etc but I feel awful, I've ruined the evening.

Nothing to say really apart from I need

OP posts:

Starkswillriseagain · 26/09/2015 22:45

He didn't even bother to introduce the OP to his friends Cat, how is that not his fault? He fucked off and left her with people she didn't know.

The only thing I find confusing is why you sat for 45 minutes Esme and didn't go down after 5 and sit with his lot there or ask him if he planned to introduce you to people?

CatMilkMan · 26/09/2015 22:45

I highly doubt he's that happy, he left the game to follow you back to the hotel, and you can ruin it by blaming him for this and trying to punish him.

CatMilkMan · 26/09/2015 22:46

He told her what he was going to do but she thought he was joking!! So much for "his weekend".

Original poster

Esmeismyhero · 26/09/2015 22:49

I went down and found him but there was no chairs available, there were some sofas just behind so I sat down.

After about 10 mins I asked for his phone just to do something, then about 15 mins later I just said I was popping for a cigarette, then I came back and saw he had a drink and didn't get me one but he was surrounded by baying men so I sat back on the sofa, then I went outside because it was stifling and I had someone ask if I'd been stood up.

I then was getting upset so I pushed my way to dh and asked for a taxi to be called and that I was just going back to the hotel.

He didn't seemed bothered just pissed he was missing a few mins of rugby.

He said it was only after I got in the taxi he knew he was an arse, he came back and I said don't worry I'm sorry etc and told him to go back with his friends.

OP posts:

Original poster

Esmeismyhero · 26/09/2015 22:50

cat are you my dh? probably not and your probably very thankful I'm not since I'm a tit :(

OP posts:

Starkswillriseagain · 26/09/2015 22:50

He told her he'd introduce her to his friends too, which he didn't do and should have done first.

Why is it his weekend? He took her away with him!

I don't know why you didn't go with him though OP, rather then wait alone? Seems like an odd thing for a couple to do to have one waiting on the other. I've been with OH when he's watched his beloved Wimbledon (his treat) on pub tv. That's his time and treat but if he wanted me there and then fucked off and left me with strangers that would say loud and clear that he didn't actually...

daiseehope · 26/09/2015 22:51

OP, don't wait for a penny to drop. He'll keep doing it as you're allowing it. Same thing happened to me fifteen years ago, I'm now trying to extricate myself from a stbxh who basically thinks he is right, gets what he wants and I am wrong/mistaken /deluded. Don't be me, you have been warned xxxx

Starkswillriseagain · 26/09/2015 22:54

X post Esme, I stand by the seeming like an odd thing for a couple. Unless you invited yourself along- which it doesn't seem like at all- of course you would expect him to at least acknowledge you!

He sounds like an arse and he knows it hence the manipulating text to make you feel guilty and bad for giving him a rubbish night.

If he's thoughtless like this a lot, why are you so sure he is just not good with social things rather then uncaring? Sounds like he's self absorbed and doesn't give a shit really.

daiseehope · 26/09/2015 22:54

We went to a wedding as a new couple. I was so excited as it was posh and first weekend away etc. He got pissed and spent evening with all old school mates having a right old time. Me, being a bit shy, was not even given introductions so withdrew even more. He was foul and drunk when he finally came to bed. He apologised, I tried to forget it but it was a tiny red flag I wished I'd seen! X

tableanadchairs · 26/09/2015 22:55

your DP is an ignorant selfish arse and you really did yourself no favours with your text exchanges tonight.
All this love you l'm sorry miss you etc from you just forgives his actions so he will come back and all will be forgotten.
He treated you like crap and you are sorry--are you normally a doormat?

Original poster

Esmeismyhero · 26/09/2015 22:55

stark I went for a quick fag while the first drink was being ordered when I came back 2 mins later he was gone.

OP posts:

Latika123 · 26/09/2015 22:56

Esme, this reminds me so much of how I was with my ex. The issue here is you are saying or doing one thing when really you want another. Instead of you getting a taxi home you wanted him to have a drink with you. In the past I would have done exactly what you did. Now I would just go over and ask him to come to the bar to gets the drinks in and whilst there tell him - you haven't introduced me to anyone, sitting alone is no fun do you want to join me on the sofa or shall I join you and the boys. Same way when he got back to the hotel id have said I appreciate you coming back let's go to the hotel bar and get a drink and then decide if we go back to the pub.

I know it's easy in retrospect but the relationship didn't work cos I expected him to 'know' how I was feeling and he didn't ever! Now I just say what I really want, I don't always get it, but at least we are both clear on expectations.

brokenhearted55a · 26/09/2015 22:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Esmeismyhero · 26/09/2015 22:56

No I was invited, we even paid for tickets to get into the "party"

OP posts:

cozietoesie · 26/09/2015 22:56

...He told her what he was going to do but she thought he was joking!! So much for "his weekend"...

That would seem to be an apologia for conduct of any description. It's OK to do whatever you want to as long as you say the words first?

Or have I misunderstood?

runlulurun · 26/09/2015 22:56

You definitely haven't made a tit out of yourself
Your Husband doesn't sound like he has behaved particularly badly overall.

He was thoughtless not to introduce you but he did say he was going to watch the rugby. It sounds like there was a lot of miscommunication over what tonight was supposed to be.

I don't interpret his texts as trying to make you feel bad at all. What is he supposed to say 'yeah I am having a fab time'? I think he is just trying to say the right thing and it is ok to give him the benefit of the doubt on that.

I also don't believe that the time has passed to say something. I think it's very useful to have a quick conversation to clarify what you think the problem is and why you reacted the way you did. I do it with my DP regularly if there is some conflict, and it is much more effective than having words at the time. So I think it is absolutely ok to say to him something like

"I'm not trying to start an argument by bringing this up, but one of the reasons I was so pissed off last night is because you didn't introduce me to anyone and then went off to watch the rugby and left me sitting there like a lemon. Can you understand why I am pissed off?"

It's fine to be clear about why you are annoyed with someone.

Iflyaway · 26/09/2015 22:57

You need to become independent.

A night at rugby would be my idea of hell....however much I love my DP....

brokenhearted55a · 26/09/2015 23:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CatMilkMan · 26/09/2015 23:01

I don't think your a tit! I don't think anyone did anything wrong as I said, I think it was just crossed wires and dissapointment and it sucks that your night wasn't awesome.
Next time discuss it more then get dressed up and have an amazing night!

You could just ignore me and listen to all of the relationship experts that will find absolutely anything they can to convince you how bad your DH is (did you see how they jumped on the fact you had no card? It MUST be financial abuse!)

OR you can look at it as a missed opportunity that won't happen again, speak to DH and make sure he understands what happened without blaming him.

If I sound harsh it isn't because of you OP its other posters comments.

Original poster

Esmeismyhero · 26/09/2015 23:01

Watching rugby in a pub is my hell, it was a party, to meet his convention friends and socialise, it's only today literally before he made a passing comment about the rugby.

I wouldn't of minded a jot if he was socialising with the rugby in the background, I wouldn't of felt like a lemon then I guess.

I brought new makeup, top, I even wore a really uncomfortable bra that make my boobs look Non saggy.

I did my hair and makeup and then sat on a sofa in a pub :( no introductions, no socialising, no drinks nothing just a cigarette for company.

OP posts:

Original poster

Esmeismyhero · 26/09/2015 23:03

If I knew it was a night at the pub watching rugby I wouldn't of paid for a ticket to a party, I would of holed up in the room with my book and some sweets etc. I spent ages getting ready.

OP posts:

FartemisOwl · 26/09/2015 23:03

Order a big bottle of wine or two, some snacks and charge it to the room and stay and have some laughs with us.

Justaboy · 26/09/2015 23:04

Esmeismyhero Commiserations!. If this had been me and ex wife it would have been the other way around. She was a Great rugger fan whereas i had no interest at all in the game. Suppose if i were abandoned in a pub I would have introduced myself and said,

"I'm the poor wife of (insert name) that rugby arse who left me here"

I expect you'd have found a like minded soul;!. or two

CatMilkMan · 26/09/2015 23:04

cozietoesie

That's absolutely ridiculous and of course is not what I'm saying, I can't see any way you could think that's what I said other than you wanting to argue so I'm not going to reply again.

Original poster

Esmeismyhero · 26/09/2015 23:05

Thank you everyone, I'm still blabbing but I'm so happy I have you mners, I'm going to stand outside the hotel now, snotty with a fag and iPad.

OP posts:

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