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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Total shock

862 replies

Iseeall · 26/09/2015 13:28

Just found evidence of the other woman. In total shock. Been together 25 years,k new something was wrong but still its a shock.
His business takes him away sometimes and he has just returned, I found her boarding card in his man bag as i was tidying up.
Shall I facebook her a message asking if she had a lovely holiday and enjoys breaking up a family.
help me.

OP posts:
Nonnainglese · 07/10/2015 19:38

Really good to hear from you Iseeall, fingers are crossed for you and your children.

AgathaF · 07/10/2015 19:44

I'm so glad you're back and have updated. The solicitor visit sounds really positive and I assume that has given you a little peace of mind (if it's possible to have any in these circumstances). At least you have more information and knowledge, and that of course is power to you.

cozietoesie · 07/10/2015 20:20

I'm glad you had a positive meeting with the solicitor.

cozietoesie · 07/10/2015 20:43

Just lost a long post so this will be quick one.

Another tip - you may have photographed the £££ items but there may also be items of no great intrinsic value but which have great sentimental worth to you eg photos, letters, presents from your parents or relatives and so on.

It would be no bad thing to bung all of these in a few boxes and store them somewhere away from the house for a short while. It's extraordinary how things can 'get lost' in settling up a place and you might feel more relaxed if they're safe for the duration.

This man is no longer your friend.

Original poster
Iseeall · 07/10/2015 21:22

H has already said he doesn't want anything else from the house. Just the collection (don't know how to refer to it without giving too much away).
He will go crazy when I have to bring this up.
My solicitor said it sounded like reality hadn't set in for him yet. She seemed to think he didn't expect to get caught and confronted. She was also puzzled as to why he doesn't go to the ow

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 07/10/2015 21:26

Do you have to bring it up?

Cant you just wait and put it on the Form E when the time comes? There is no point in borrowing trouble, especially when you are still sharing the same house.

At the very least, I would only mention it in email and only when he has moved out.

Yes he has no choice over this, but that doesnt mean that you should have to take even more abuse from him.

cozietoesie · 07/10/2015 21:29

...He will go crazy when I have to bring this up...

Yes - that's why I recommended moving anything which is of very great significance to you.

(I guess that reality hasn't yet set in for him - he's probably been getting away with it for some time and had become used to that. 'Having his cake and eating it'.)

cozietoesie · 07/10/2015 21:30

Fair point, Bogey. (Unless he starts to move the items out.)

Bogeyface · 07/10/2015 21:36

I agree if he starts moving stuff out, and even then I think that I would consider it a cost worth paying to get the solictor to write a "Oi Sunshine! Leave that shit alone" letter.

Original poster
Iseeall · 07/10/2015 21:37

I don't know yet whether he is going or not. One minute he is staying put next if he could move he would. The problem comes if he goes suddenly and tries to take assets with him before they are valued.
Getting a specialist in to do a valuation will take time.
He will have to come to terms with what's happening and what is going to happen.
I just don't feel like cutting him any slack.

OP posts:
suzannecaravaggio · 07/10/2015 21:41

I just don't feel like cutting him any slack

nor should you, may be best to just be business like in the way you deal with him.
(but be kind to yourself :) )

AgathaF · 07/10/2015 21:44

And nor should you cut him any slack.

cozietoesie · 07/10/2015 22:18

This is one for your solicitor, Isee - give her a phone tomorrow, explain your concerns about the items and ask for your options, particularly in the event of problematic behaviour from him. (And get the advice by email if you can - that's as good as a letter.)

PS - could you have them quickly removed to a neutral other place for valuation? (I take it they're not something which is used every day. Wink)

sodabreadjam · 07/10/2015 22:33

Good to see you back posting, OP, and great to know you are getting sound advice from your solicitor.

Is your H still hounding you about how you found out about the OW(s) or has he given up on that one?

rainbowstardrops · 07/10/2015 22:36

Glad to see you back OP! Also glad that you're getting solid advice from your solicitor.

Original poster
Iseeall · 07/10/2015 22:45

The solicitor is aware of my concern.
As I say, the house has to go up for sale, and this collection valued.
We are hoping for an amicable agreement.
Our house is not 'sale ready' as I wasn't expecting to move. I want all our finances to continue paying the mortgage and bills here.
I've been fully prepped by solicitor to call the police at the first sign of any trouble.

I could change the locks,it is allowed,but equally he could get a court order and come right back in.

No one has done anything to get themselves thrown out the house.

OP posts:
Original poster
Iseeall · 07/10/2015 22:49

He has convinced himself I have nothing and that I was playing silly school girl games to get him to confess . He thinks he fell for some sort of trap.

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 07/10/2015 22:59

I'm assuming that your solicitor will already have - or very shortly be about to - written to him advising him that she's taken instructions from you and advising him that he may wish to seek legal representation of his own? That should clarify matters and - if the items are likely to be of fair value - I really think I would be moving them out to a neutral spot for 'valuation purposes'. Don't feel shy about giving her a phone and quizzing her on anything. I'm hoping she's a terrier.

Amicable is as amicable does. Remember that he is not your friend. (Very hard, I know.) Behaving honourably may give you a warm glow on a winter's night but that's all it might give you - far better to behave honourably within the law and your solicitor's advice.

goddessofsmallthings · 07/10/2015 23:02

How deluded is this man? He takes the saying that 'there's no fool like an old fool' to a new level. Fell for some sort of trap? More like shot himself in the dick foot and has proceeded to dig a hole for himself ever since.

We are hoping for an amicable agreement I have a feeling that hell will freeze before he agrees to split what he considers to be his precious possessions, which is all the more reason why you should take steps to secure your share before he's informed that you're divorcing him for adultery, or unreasonable behaviour if that's what you've been advised to cite in your petition.

Original poster
Iseeall · 07/10/2015 23:13

I certainly agree he is not a friend and I'm not longer Mrs nice pushover..or whatever he thought I was.
Believe me I'm on his case. Yes he will have to get legal advice and he will get the shock of his life when he finds out about my solicitor.

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 07/10/2015 23:17

Well done.

(It's particularly hard to realize that someone you've lived with for all of these years - had children with even - can suddenly be a cold and nasty person. It can be done but it's not pleasant.)

goddessofsmallthings · 07/10/2015 23:21

It's not unknown for clients to be economical with the truth when instructing solicitors and, as he's got form, I strongly advise you to bear in mind that possession is 9/10ths of the law and get your 50% securely stashed away where he can't get at it asap.

cozietoesie · 07/10/2015 23:25

I meant to ask - how are the young 'uns through all of this?

AcrossthePond55 · 08/10/2015 00:56

You go, girl! Sounds as if you have a definite plan and a good solicitor which is a very good thing!

How/when will the 'official' valuation be done? Is there any way you can get a 'personal' valuation just in case he gets pissed and sells the stuff cheap to spite you? I'm thinking of those cases where a vindictive stbx sells a Ferrari for £1.00 because they'd rather get nothing themselves than have to 'share' the proceeds with their spouse.

My concern is that he's so totally deluded about his guilt. I really think that he believes that you will 'come around' eventually, especially since he thinks you have 'no real proof' (more fool he!). That kind of person can react like a cornered tiger when they realize that not only has the shit hit the fan, but that they were standing in front of it when it did!

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 08/10/2015 03:02

I think, if he wants the collection that badly, that you should let him have it - after it has been properly valued, so you know how much to deduct from his share of the house sale. Much easier than fighting over it - you still get the value of half of it, he gets to keep it, but he just gets less cash from the sale of the house.

I'm sure your solicitor could write up some agreement to that end. But you do need to get that evaluation done ASAP.

Very pleased to see you back, btw Thanks