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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Total shock

862 replies

Iseeall · 26/09/2015 13:28

Just found evidence of the other woman. In total shock. Been together 25 years,k new something was wrong but still its a shock.
His business takes him away sometimes and he has just returned, I found her boarding card in his man bag as i was tidying up.
Shall I facebook her a message asking if she had a lovely holiday and enjoys breaking up a family.
help me.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 01/10/2015 15:48

No lock changes is the right way to go. You're (unfortunately) at the beginning of a potentially long journey that may be fraught with moves and countermoves. At this point you don't want to be seen as obstreperous. That can come back to bite you real hard!

Just enjoy (and encourage) his absences whether for work or gigs. You no longer have to worry about what he's doing, you already know. Shitty knowledge, but better than uncertainty.

If I were you, I'd keep asking him to leave. Ask him every single day, especially if he starts in as 'fun H' or 'irresistibly seductive H' (bleah!). Not in a nasty or angry way, just 'So, how are your plans for moving out going?' as if it's a foregone conclusion in your mind that he will be leaving, sooner or later. If he argues, simply say 'You already know how I feel and I'm not changing my mind' or words to that effect.

Keep doing your background financial work and document gathering. Also, if there are pictures or other small things, things that won't really be noticed missing, that are special to you that you worry about him either taking or destroying, you may want to consider moving them elsewhere. I think I can pretty much guarantee that at some point, when he realizes that you are dead serious, he is going to get angry, very angry and want to hurt you. Not necessarily physically, but to cause you to feel the loss (if that's the right word) that he will be feeling. My ex took some albums that I'd had since I was a teen. The music on those albums were the 'story of my teen years' and you couldn't find replacements (this was decades ago, thank God now for digital music!). He could have cared less about the artists, he just wanted me to hurt.

Iseeall · 01/10/2015 15:51

Hello I have just seen that I have been accused of trolling.
I have Emailed mn hq with and asked them to confirm I am genuine.
I am along time member who has never name changed.

I don't know 'anyfucker' and quite why her(or his) posting on this thread makes a difference.
The only poster on the tread that I recognise is Cozie, and that is from 'The Litter Tray'.

Will not post again until mn hq have spoken.

Again a very big thank you to everyone who has helped me over the last few days .

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 01/10/2015 15:57

Don't stop posting because of some troll hunter.
You carry on as you were.
We are all more than happy to support you without the help of AF.
(She is a very good and blunt poster who helps a lot of people and is 99.9% bang on with her conclusions and advice)

KatherineMumsnet · 01/10/2015 15:58

We can spot a bit of troll-hunting going on here.

Please, please, rather than posting on the thread, report it to us so we can check things out from behind the scenes. It is incredibly upsetting to an OP if they are indeed genuine and seeking advice.

Peace and love, folks.

Flowers
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 01/10/2015 15:58

Iseeall - MNHQ can't exactly confirm you're genuine, they can only agree that you are a long term poster who hasn't namechanged etc.

Please don't feel harassed off your own thread by suspicious minds. Anyfucker might just be busy, as Zucker said - she's often to be found on the Relationships board, but that doesn't mean she's on every thread, and she's not some omniscient poster who knows which threads are real and which aren't! She does, however, have very good advice when she's around.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 01/10/2015 15:59

Ah, xposted with MNHQ, glad they've popped up. :)

Wishful80smontage · 01/10/2015 16:00

Ignore the troll hunters OP you don't need authorisation by others to seek advice

LovelyFriend · 01/10/2015 16:01

Iseeall please ignore the troll hunting.
Hopefully MNHQ will delete those posts?

MythicalKings · 01/10/2015 16:08

The vipers are about I see. Very cruel and unnecessary.

lavendersun · 01/10/2015 16:20

I agree Lovely and MythicalKings.

Odd how strangers on the internet are revered for giving very blunt advice from behind a screen when in real life most friends would give advice with empathy and sympathy whilst still reaching the same conclusion.

Nothing against AF but find the reverence very odd indeed.

Ignore the doubters Iseeall.

sodabreadjam · 01/10/2015 16:42

Yes, a quick search would have shown the troll hunters that Iseeall has been on Mumsnet for quite some time and has contributed to around 100 threads.

Will posters searching for relationship advice have to PM Anyfucker first to ask her to comment early to ensure that others believe they are genuine?

Scobberlotcher · 01/10/2015 16:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Scobberlotcher · 01/10/2015 16:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

clam · 01/10/2015 18:08

I think no one would be more pissed off to see AF revered on here than AF herself. Get the impression she doesn't hold with brown-nosing.

ScrambledSmegs · 01/10/2015 18:11

AF isn't omnipresent in Relationships, you know Confused

OP it seems like you're protecting yourself really well practically. I hope you're ok emotionally?

FoxesSitOnBoxes · 01/10/2015 21:08

Flowers iseeall. Hope this hasn't put you off. Most people are just here to support you.
If it's any consolation I bet the only reason you have been called into question is that you are doing the right thing and have been incredibly dignified while all this has been going on. Apparently that's enough for people to call troll.
I'm sure AF has either not seen this or sees that you are doing the right thing and getting the right advice already. Or she's been out at the shops or something. Who cares really, I'm sure she didnt volunteer to be the thread police and, I imagine, would hate to think that people were not offering their support just because she hadn't posted first.
Hope you're ok

Iseeall · 01/10/2015 21:18

Thankfully mums net hq know I'm not a troll

It's very upsetting to be accused.
I guess mums net had it script to follow as well as cheating husbands.

I don't know if I'll post again. I feel far too upset at the moment.

OP posts:
Greengardenpixie · 01/10/2015 21:21

Dont be upset. I have been following your thread and didnt think you were a troll. Flowers

lavendersun · 01/10/2015 21:22

Flowers Iseeall, you have got many supporters - even me who rarely posts outside of camping, cycling and arts and crafts Grin.

Am sure it must be horrid to be accused of trolling when you have shared so much. As always it only takes one.

I hope you see how much you are admired here, you are strong and capable in the face of your husband's awful behaviour.

spudlike1 · 01/10/2015 21:27

There are more poster responding to you positively than not

mummytime · 01/10/2015 21:27

Don't let the troll hunters get you down.

You seem to have good legal advice.

And you H sounds like a fool!

AgathaF · 01/10/2015 21:35

Please continue to post. You've had so many people offering positive support and wishing you well. Don't let a handful of idiots wipe that out.

Buttercup27 · 01/10/2015 21:37

We're here if you need us Flowers

sodabreadjam · 01/10/2015 21:42

Well, I wish you the best of luck Iseeall - whether you choose to post again or not.

I didn't think you were a troll - your posting history shows that and is available for all to see.

My ex-boss played in a band and thought it gave him special powers when it came to attracting women. Bit of a sad creature, really. You H seems cut from the same cloth - you deserve so much better.

Enoughalreadyyou · 01/10/2015 21:52

Don't take any notice and continue to post. As if you need that nonsense! I'm so impressed by the way you are handling everything. I really do hope your vile h leaves soon. You clearly deserve so much more. I carried on trying to patch things up for four years! What a waste of time. Wish I'd moved on much earlier.

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