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Original poster

DP going for dinner with friend

485 replies

Lawler123 · 26/09/2015 09:37

At the beginning of our 3 year relationship when discussing boundaries I told my DP I wasn't comfortable with the idea of him going out for dinner with female friends. Some people would be okay with it but I'm just not.

In my DP's friendship group they have this friend who we will call Sarah. I know the guys all find her attractive and very hands on. I recently found out that another girlfriend isn't comfortable with her. I should also mention I have never met 'Sarah' mainly because she travels away lot.

Anyway the other evening DP and I were cuddling and his phone was charging next to me when Sarah text him. I didn't open the message but it was on the screen. Basically she was saying she wasn't fussed and he could pick. It's been on my mind since.

This morning curiosity got the better of me and I read the full text. Cut a long story short, she asked him out for dinner next week and he replied saying he would love to.

Now I know she quite often does dinner with her other male friends so really my issue isn't with her (though I am annoyed she asked!).

Thing is 2 years ago DP arranged a dinner with Sarah's close friend but I spoke to him and he never went. Turns out this girl was crazy and caused a load of issues for us.

But why is he still doing things when he knows how uncomfortable I am with it??

I don't know what to do. I only know because I snooped. I don't even know if he's going to tell me I'll have to wait and see. Ofc if he doesn't we have an even bigger problem but regardless of whether he tells me or not he's still doing something he knows I don't like.

I don't think there's anything to it, as I say she often goes out for dinners with male friends. But none of the other guys (who are in relationships) in their friendship group go out for dinner with just her!

I know people will probably think I'm unreasonable but I can only go with how I feel, and I don't feel comfortable.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lawler123 · 26/09/2015 09:39

I should also add I have no problems with him having female friends or anything. If other people were going for dinner with them I wouldn't have an issue.

OP posts:
Duggee · 26/09/2015 09:41

Err no I wouldn't be happy. But then my husband doesn't have close female friends so I can't really say. Why just the two of them when there's a group?

MaximumVolume · 26/09/2015 09:41

I think that either you don't trust your dp or you need to get over it. Sarah can't cause your dp to have an affair if he's loyal.

TheDowagerCuntess · 26/09/2015 09:44

But why is he still doing things when he knows how uncomfortable I am with it??

Because he's allowed to and you're not the boss of him. If they're platonic friends, then he's not doing anything wrong, and you're being a tad controlling.

On the other hand ... why isn't she inviting both of you out? Why just him? That feels oddly exclusive. My DH has old female friends and when we got together aeons ago, they were keen to meet and get to know me (and me them).

I'd probably wait for him to let you know he's going, and deal with it from there. If he doesn't, then there's an issue.

spudlike1 · 26/09/2015 09:47

Why is she inviting a married man out for dinner ( just the two of them ?? ) and why are you not being made aware of this

....have I missed something

FellOutOfBedTwice · 26/09/2015 09:51

This is a tough one. I do get that you don't like it and I don't think he should be lying to you.

However I have two male friends of 15 years standing and I would have flipped if my DH had told me when we started going out that I could no longer go for dinner with them. There has never been a hint of anything romantic between me and either man and we genuinely just enjoy dinner and wine every couple of months. DH has never expressed any displeasure, so I can only assume he is fine with it. Equally, he has two close female friends, one of whom he did once sleep with at uni, and it's never crossed my mind to try and stop him seeing them.

spudlike1 · 26/09/2015 09:51

My hubby has female friends a couple of them he has known longer than me but they wouldn't dream.of going to dinner alone ...catch up and a coffee all the time but not dinner on their own ( that's weird) were all.mates if we're going out for dinner we all go

Cabrinha · 26/09/2015 09:52

You can't say you have no problem with him having female friends, because you do. Friendship involves being able to just go out with people, you have a problem with that.

How do you know so much about her dinner habits? You seen quite well informed on who she does and doesn't have dinner with, for someone you've never met!

And you seem to be blaming her for men saying she's attractive.

Three years you've been with this man.
I get you don't want to admit to looking at him phone, but at least you saw the first text 'innocently'.
If you can't say to him "I saw Sarah texted you the other day, about you picking whatever - are you meeting up? Can we talk about it?"
If you can't say that to someone you've been with for 3 years, you're relationship isn't great anyway.

Just TALK to him. And bear in mind that you're unreasonable to have a blanket ban on him having dinner with female friends.

My boyfriend's away serving in the Gulf right now. I've got an old male friend he doesn't know sleeping on my sofa right now. Another male friend coming over for a DVD next week. If my new BF doesn't trust me not to be fucking my mates, he's not for me.

spudlike1 · 26/09/2015 09:52

It's the secretive nature of this that is odd

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 26/09/2015 09:53

I guess to me the issue would be why hasn't he mentioned it? If it's just friends going out to dinner, surely he'd be open about it and tell you. As he hasn't, I can see why you're uncomfortable about it.

Original poster
Lawler123 · 26/09/2015 09:54

Spudlike - sorry forgot to say we aren't married.

Thedowager - I'm not controlling in fact he knows I'm very laid back about most things. But I'm just not comfortable with him and another woman going for dinners together. I wouldn't go out for a meal with a male friend.

Maximum - I don't think he's having an affair at all. I also know that if anything were to happen he would be responsible for what he does not her.

Is this meal more important than considering my feelings and respecting them? I have never asked/told him not to do something before other than going for dinners.

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 26/09/2015 09:54

Btw - I'm not saying you have to suck it up. I am saying that it's ridiculous not to raise it. Don't torture yourself. I'm saying if you can't bring this up with a boyfriend of 3 years, sounds like that's not a good enough relationship to keep anyway.

spudlike1 · 26/09/2015 10:04

Partner /husband your in a relationship right ...he should put your feelings first ...and she should be respectful of you to .
She doesn't know you, you are not friends , she is inviting another women's man out for dinner . Like I said before very odd

How long has she known your partner ? If they're good mates known each other years etc etc ok understandable , but if that was the case she would be your friend also .

Original poster
Lawler123 · 26/09/2015 10:05

I am also NOT blaming her for people finding her attractive Confused

I only know about her "dinner habbits" because my DP has often said his best friend Matt (who is single) often goes out for dinner with her.

The other guys who do have girlfriends don't go out for dinner with just her. So why all of a sudden mine?
It isn't a usual thing. I wouldn't even call them 'close friends'. They don't speak when she goes away. They only see each other when the whole group meet up.
Knowing I'm not the only one who is uncomfortable with her is on my mind too.

Cabrinha - i understand Smile I didn't bring it up in case it was nothing. We are very open about things and if there's a problem we discuss it. I think the fact he hasn't mentioned it to me has caused me not say anything as well - I decided I would wait to see if he would.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lawler123 · 26/09/2015 10:08

Spudlike - that's my attitude!

Whilst I'm not happy with her asking and she does make me feel uncomfortable, ultimately he has agreed to do something he knows I'm not okay with.

They've known each other quite a few years but as I say, they only see each other when others are around like nights out or group meals etc.

OP posts:
Oysterbabe · 26/09/2015 10:15

He probably hasn't mentioned it because he knows how you'd react, which is wrong obv, he should tell you. But I think it's very unfair to ban him from spending time with his friend. I have male friends and DH would never try and stop me seeing them.
You sound jealous and I think you should suggest he invites her, and maybe a couple of other friends, over for dinner. Maybe meeting her would help. I find it a bit odd that his friends are so separate to you after 3 years together.

0dfod · 26/09/2015 10:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cabrinha · 26/09/2015 10:15

I don't get why your boyfriend tells you who goes out to dinner with her though. Why is Matt telling him who else she has dinner with, and why is he relaying that back to you?
If she manages to go out with single Matt without falling on his cock, why can't she go out with her married friends?

I think you're wrong to "test" him by waiting. Does he always tell you every thing he does? If he doesn't, how will you know this is deliberately hidden.

I do take the point made by others that it's most common when you're in a couple to do things as a couple. I don't think you're being ridiculous. But... It's really no unheard of to do things without your partner too.

Do you want to meet her? Just suggest you go too. It's one of those situations where if he gets the arse about that, you shouldn't worry you've scared him off cos you're better off rid! It is fair if he wants to raise that he's unhappy with your rule and doesn't feel trusted. But he should still listen to you and talk about it. Otherwise he's not worth staying with snyway.

Talk to him, don't play games about waiting to find out, it won't help you in the long run. If you don't want to tell him now because he hasn't told you, how are you going to feel about a "I know where you were last night" conversation? Get it over with and sorted, just talk to him.

Oh and the man on my sofa last night isn't "another man's woman" (though he has a GF) but my FRIEND.

MadgeMak · 26/09/2015 10:26

What's so wrong about going for dinner as opposed to a coffee? Eating together doesn't make you more likely to accidentally shag each other

spudlike1 · 26/09/2015 10:30

Yeah dodgy I'm afraid

AllPizzasGreatAndSmall · 26/09/2015 10:32

At the beginning of our 3 year relationship when discussing boundaries I told my DP I wasn't comfortable with the idea of him going out for dinner with female friends.

This is when you were BU.
This is why he hasn't told her.

spudlike1 · 26/09/2015 10:33

Intimate dinner for two ...partner not invited or told , partner and dinner date don't know each other...hmmmmm
She invited him why ?? Invite her round for a coffee see if she wants to get to know you as well

Joysmum · 26/09/2015 10:33

I think the "cool" gang on here are entirely missing the point.

Everybody has the right to express their feeling in a relationship and set whatever boundaries they see fit.

It's then up to their partners to either agree and remain in the relationship, or disagree and advise this isn't something they are prepared to compromise in. Thus giving the person with the issue the decision whether this is a deal breaker or not.

What the partner doesn't have the right to do is lie, or lie by omission and sneak about because they don't respect their partner enough.

12purpleapples · 26/09/2015 10:36

I don't think there is anything wrong with a couple of people having dinner, it sounds like they are friends and she and him are both behaving in a way that is entirely normal for their group of friends.

MadgeMak · 26/09/2015 10:38

He's not told her, yet. Doesn't mean he isn't going to.

Joysmum is right though. Personally if my partner had told me at the start of the relationship that he didn't want me going out to dinner alone with friends of the opposite sex, then that relationship would have been over. The only thing OP's partner has done wrong is to agree to her rules in the first place.