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Original poster

DP going for dinner with friend

485 replies

Lawler123 · 26/09/2015 09:37

At the beginning of our 3 year relationship when discussing boundaries I told my DP I wasn't comfortable with the idea of him going out for dinner with female friends. Some people would be okay with it but I'm just not.

In my DP's friendship group they have this friend who we will call Sarah. I know the guys all find her attractive and very hands on. I recently found out that another girlfriend isn't comfortable with her. I should also mention I have never met 'Sarah' mainly because she travels away lot.

Anyway the other evening DP and I were cuddling and his phone was charging next to me when Sarah text him. I didn't open the message but it was on the screen. Basically she was saying she wasn't fussed and he could pick. It's been on my mind since.

This morning curiosity got the better of me and I read the full text. Cut a long story short, she asked him out for dinner next week and he replied saying he would love to.

Now I know she quite often does dinner with her other male friends so really my issue isn't with her (though I am annoyed she asked!).

Thing is 2 years ago DP arranged a dinner with Sarah's close friend but I spoke to him and he never went. Turns out this girl was crazy and caused a load of issues for us.

But why is he still doing things when he knows how uncomfortable I am with it??

I don't know what to do. I only know because I snooped. I don't even know if he's going to tell me I'll have to wait and see. Ofc if he doesn't we have an even bigger problem but regardless of whether he tells me or not he's still doing something he knows I don't like.

I don't think there's anything to it, as I say she often goes out for dinners with male friends. But none of the other guys (who are in relationships) in their friendship group go out for dinner with just her!

I know people will probably think I'm unreasonable but I can only go with how I feel, and I don't feel comfortable.

OP posts:
derxa · 26/09/2015 12:34

Flowers Lawler. Have you discussed all this with him? What does he say?

Original poster
Lawler123 · 26/09/2015 12:40

Yes she did madgemak.

*But be honest and stop saying you're totally fine with him having female friends, because you're obviously not.

If this person had a penis, I really don't think you would have started this thread*

Fgs. I honestly do not mind him having female friends! I don't have a problem with that! I do however have a problem with 1 of them who all of a sudden starts inviting him out for dinner with just her, even though she already sees him once a week with the others.

I'm going to see if he tells me. I'm gunna give him the chance to be upfront and honest about it. He might tell me the day before or on that morning. That's when I'll explain how I feel and why

I'm not gunna go in all guns blazing 1) because then I really would look the crazy gf and 2) because he could just turn around and say he was gunna tell me - and in all honesty he probably will. I would be shocked if he never. Not because he has to tell me his every move but because he would be late home from work and I wouldn't know what to do about dinner etc.

If him and her having dinner was something that had always happened I wouldn't think anything of it. But it isn't.

OP posts:
MadgeMak · 26/09/2015 12:42

So did he ask her why she wanted to meet alone?

spudlike1 · 26/09/2015 12:43

I'd talk to him ...its an issue for you so he needs to respect and understand that .
If you play games ie: wait for him to tell you and he doesn't... oops big problems

Nip the issues you have in the bud. A non confrontational chat with him may sort this . You find that you feel ok about it after you've talked it through .
It's between you two now ..everyone's else's view is just there view.

MaudGonneMad · 26/09/2015 12:43

Maybe he has gone out for dinner/coffee with friends before, but didn't tell you because you banned him from doing so at the start of your relationship? Just a thought.

Original poster
Lawler123 · 26/09/2015 12:44

No he didn't madgemak.

Thanks derxa Smile I haven't spoke to him yet. It isn't happening for another 9 days yet so he still has plenty of time to tell me. Maybe he feels like telling me nearer the time. I'm not gunna accuse him of hiding things when he still might tell me, if that makes sense.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lawler123 · 26/09/2015 12:46

Spud - I know it sounds like I'm playing games but I'm really not. I don't want to accuse him, or even ask him, why he hasn't mentioned it to me yet because he might mention it nearer the time. It's still 9 days away, he will probably tell me the day before or that morning.

If he doesn't tell me then I will simply ask why.

OP posts:
loveyoutothemoon · 26/09/2015 12:50

Sorry but I think it's so wierd that this woman will go out with other wives husbands and now yours. It's not normal. Think there's more to it.

MadgeMak · 26/09/2015 12:51

Strange he didn't ask why. If one of my friends, of whatever gender, asked me out to dinner and was very specific about it being just the two of us I'd wonder what was up. Not necessarily because I'd assume it to be them making a romantic move, but because there was something up and I'd wonder what.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 26/09/2015 12:53

I think Joysmum has it.

Personally I have no problem with Dh meeting up with female friends for cosy dinners. I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who objected to me meeting up with a bloke for dinner. Which is why I wouldn't start a relationship with the Op. But her partner did so he needs, as a minimum, to accept that this is something that she is entitled to not be enthusiastic about and to spend time discussing whether it is appropriate.

spudlike1 · 26/09/2015 12:53

Hmmm if he doesn't tell you you have big problems

..do you really want that
Ask him now ...in 9 days you will have reached boiling point ...not a good look ..
Ask him now when your calm ..talk it through ..If you trust him that's what you need to do ..your not talking to him about it because you don't trust him that's not good

Viviennemary · 26/09/2015 12:53

No I wouldn't stand for this I'm afraid. My DH doesn't have close female friends and I don't have close male friends. Not surprised you feel uncomfortable about this. She sounds a bit of a flirt to me and probably gets some kind of kick out of being attractive and sought after and having one to one dates with other folks partners.

ChickenTikkaMassala · 26/09/2015 12:55

You're already looking a bit crazy to me OP, sorry. You clearly don't trust him and you clearly don't like him having the opposite sex as friends.

kittybiscuits · 26/09/2015 13:01

'Looking a bit crazy' Hmm

Original poster
Lawler123 · 26/09/2015 13:05

Okay chickentikkamassala - if me feeling uncomfortable about someone suddenly asking my dp out for dinner alone makes me crazy then cool I'll take the label.

You obviously haven't read my posts. His female friends don't bother me. I've explained why I'm not okay with this.

OP posts:
HortonWho · 26/09/2015 13:05

If a partner made such an unreasonable request - you are to NEVER have dinner with another male friend As long as we are a couple and then had no legitimate reason for his request I can see why I might chose to respond to such a controlling, bonkers request by simply lying.

OP, if you don't think either of them would make a sexual advance on the other, then you must have a reason for feeling uncomfortable. Why do you think this is?

And, they may well have had lots of dinners in the past that you don't know about. You also have no idea of the relationships Sarah has within the group. She probably dines with the single guy because they have more in common, not because the attached men all have controlling partners.

Original poster
Lawler123 · 26/09/2015 13:07

Spud - that's the thing though I'm actually feeling surprisingly calm about it. Don't get me wrong I'm pissed off he hasn't mentioned it yet but he may tell me nearer the time. I want to at least give him every opportunity to be honest with me. Rather than accuse him of not telling me when he still has plenty opportunity to tell me.

OP posts:
MaudGonneMad · 26/09/2015 13:07

His female friends do bother you, OP. You banned him from seeing them on his own, didn't you?

MadgeMak · 26/09/2015 13:08

But in your initial OP you said that you didn't want him going out for dinner alone with any female friend full stop. Now you're saying you're only uncomfortable because this is a recent thing (and I get that totally), but back tracking and drip feeding is making you look unreasonable to be honest, like you're changing your story to bat away any suggestions that you are being jealous or controlling.

ClashCityRocker · 26/09/2015 13:08

I really don't understand this.

Why is having dinner with a friend a 'cosy couples' thing? Everyone socialises in different ways, we are much more a go out for a bit to eat rather than sit in a pub getting old

If I go out for something to eat with someone I don't automatically feel obliged to shag them because they've got the opposite genitalia, and I'm sure your partner is the same.

You either trust someone or you don't. And yes, saying you don't want someone to go to dinners with someone else is controlling. You can't dress things up as 'setting boundaries' as though it's a magic phrase that makes it ok.

Original poster
Lawler123 · 26/09/2015 13:10

Hortonwho - it wasn't me who said the other partners were controlling.

I've said why I'm uncomfortable. It's because they have never gone for dinners together and suddenly she wants to go just him and her. When we first discussed boundaries he said it wasn't something he'd ever done anyway, so it wasn't like I was putting a stop to it Confused

If it was something they'd always done I would have no reason to be suspicious. But out the blue, all of a sudden even though she sees him every week with the others and so far him not mentioning. That's why I'm suspicious.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lawler123 · 26/09/2015 13:11

I have never banned him from seeing them on their own. He's helped his female friends out with things such as car issues, work problems etc. That's fine.

But I don't like the whole dinner thing. That's what I don't like.

OP posts:
derxa · 26/09/2015 13:14

Poor OP. She has to sign up to some cool girls' charter. Isn't life difficult enough for women in the first place? Lawler has been clear about what she expects in a relationship and her DP doesn't like it. This Sarah sounds an absolute nightmare. She's not exactly part of the 'sisterhood', is she?

ClashCityRocker · 26/09/2015 13:15

But why don't you like the dinner thing?

Is it because it's a new thing?

I think you need to have a calm chat with him, rather than waiting to see if he tells you or not.

MaudGonneMad · 26/09/2015 13:15

You don't like your DP socialising with female friends on his own. You banned him from dinner with them, and you stated up thread that you wouldn't be happy if he went for coffee with them on his own as well.

Why is it ok to meet up on his own if he's helping them out, but not in a social setting? Bizarre.

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