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Original poster

DP going for dinner with friend

485 replies

Lawler123 · 26/09/2015 09:37

At the beginning of our 3 year relationship when discussing boundaries I told my DP I wasn't comfortable with the idea of him going out for dinner with female friends. Some people would be okay with it but I'm just not.

In my DP's friendship group they have this friend who we will call Sarah. I know the guys all find her attractive and very hands on. I recently found out that another girlfriend isn't comfortable with her. I should also mention I have never met 'Sarah' mainly because she travels away lot.

Anyway the other evening DP and I were cuddling and his phone was charging next to me when Sarah text him. I didn't open the message but it was on the screen. Basically she was saying she wasn't fussed and he could pick. It's been on my mind since.

This morning curiosity got the better of me and I read the full text. Cut a long story short, she asked him out for dinner next week and he replied saying he would love to.

Now I know she quite often does dinner with her other male friends so really my issue isn't with her (though I am annoyed she asked!).

Thing is 2 years ago DP arranged a dinner with Sarah's close friend but I spoke to him and he never went. Turns out this girl was crazy and caused a load of issues for us.

But why is he still doing things when he knows how uncomfortable I am with it??

I don't know what to do. I only know because I snooped. I don't even know if he's going to tell me I'll have to wait and see. Ofc if he doesn't we have an even bigger problem but regardless of whether he tells me or not he's still doing something he knows I don't like.

I don't think there's anything to it, as I say she often goes out for dinners with male friends. But none of the other guys (who are in relationships) in their friendship group go out for dinner with just her!

I know people will probably think I'm unreasonable but I can only go with how I feel, and I don't feel comfortable.

OP posts:
WipsGlitter · 26/09/2015 13:15

What's the big deal about dinner though? If they were going for breakfast or lunch would it be different or ok? I think you're projecting a "cosy" dinner implies soft lighting and moustache twirling waiters. If it was an all you can eat Chinese buffet would it still be "intimate".

Why did you feel the need to set ultimata at the start of your relationship? That seems a bit random.

Despite what lots of people thinks men and women can be platonic friends. If this were a reverse woman wanting to meet make friend and husband objecting the "red flags", "controlling" and "ltb" would be flying about!!

ClashCityRocker · 26/09/2015 13:16

Why does she sound like a nightmare?! Op admits she hasn't met her...it's a bit rich to say she sounds like a nightmare for wanting to have a meal with male friends.

ClashCityRocker · 26/09/2015 13:19

Making your expectations clear at the start of a relationship doesn't make them reasonable or mean the other party is honour-bound to them.

spudlike1 · 26/09/2015 13:24

Yes talk to him

Otherwise your just trying to trip him up ..not a good way to maintain a relationship

Greengardenpixie · 26/09/2015 13:24

I would not be happy either.
Would he be happy if you had a close male friend and were invited out for a meal exclusively with him?
'nuff said.

spudlike1 · 26/09/2015 13:25

The other woman's behaviour is unreasonable ...

mrstweefromtweesville · 26/09/2015 13:31

This is ridiculous. No woman should expect her DP/DH to go out for one-to-one dining or other social activities with a woman 'friend'. Either you are with someone or you are not. If you are, you don't do one-to-one with others. If you are not, you do what the heck you like.

OP, he's not yours. Start planning your escape.

spudlike1 · 26/09/2015 13:31

My partner would tell me instantly if he'd been asked out for dinner by another woman ..I'd say yes ...but then I trust him

MadgeMak · 26/09/2015 13:33

Blimey mrstwee. That is ridiculous.

spudlike1 · 26/09/2015 13:34

I don't trust your fella I'm afraid or this woman .
9 days is too long to 'wait' for him to tell you.
All three of you are being less than grown up my view

MaudGonneMad · 26/09/2015 13:34

Yes, we must all be on our guard to never be alone with a friend of the opposite sex. Anything could happen.

Maybe we should reintroduce chaperones?

ijustwannadance · 26/09/2015 13:34

The thing I think is odd is that you have never met her. I have always prefered male company and my DP has female friends, but it's never secretive. She could easily have came to your house for for a nice dinner at some point. While she is not YOUR friend, most normal friends would want to meet, (and surely partners would want to introduce) someone who makes their friend happy and are in a long term relationship with.

I know you say she is away a lot, but at the mo is around. I just don't get how you haven't met for 3 years! No weddings/parties etc? I assume you have met his other friends.

Original poster
Lawler123 · 26/09/2015 13:35

We discussed at the beginning what we would/wouldn't be okay with. It wasn't a huge list, my DP has even said himself he thinks I'm pretty laid back.

Why is it ok to meet up on his own if he's helping them out, but not in a social setting? Bizarre

Because helping them with things is nothing. There's nothing to do. When they suddenly ask them out for dinner with just her, something they've never done, that to me isn't okay. So yes whether it was breakfast or dinner I would feel the same. Mainly because this isn't something he's always done.

I don't believe he would be happy if it was the other way round. I have male friends but I don't go out for dinners with just them, I wouldn't want to.
I think my DP would probably hide the fact he isn't okay with it though. I don't think he would admit to it.

OP posts:
SinglePringle · 26/09/2015 13:37

What Madge said. This thread has some very depressing posts.

FWIW I've also been out for dinner with married male friends made / met in the last 10, 5, 2 whatever years. Not shagged them either.

OP, maybe this is the first time because there's something specific she'd like his advice on. Work, house, anything.

Or are single women not allowed to ask the advice of married men?

spudlike1 · 26/09/2015 13:38

Read the thread Maud

BlahBlahUsername · 26/09/2015 13:38

I'm less suspicious that he didn't tell you right away, because he knows of your stance on him seeing female friends (which many would call unreasonable, though I understand it - what is stopping him from inviting you along too?), and he's probably trying to think of a way to broach it with you - or maybe he's even planning to not tell you he's seeing her because he doesn't want the drama?

At this point you should probably carry on as you are - just wait and see. If he tells you on Monday that he's out with 'the lads' that night, you've got a problem.

mrstweefromtweesville · 26/09/2015 13:39

Blimey mrstwee. That is ridiculous
No, sorry, it isn't. Its how things worked from time immemorial until women became so easy to hoodwink they even undermine each other. Its laughable. Wake up! If he's your partner he doesn't go out with other women. If he does that, he's not your partner he's some random you're shacking up with for a while.

MaudGonneMad · 26/09/2015 13:39

I have read the thread spud. Odd.

Original poster
Lawler123 · 26/09/2015 13:40

Ijustwannadance - yes I've met all his other friends.

None of his friendship group are married so whenever we've gone to weddings together it's been his work friends or family and she doesn't know them so that's why.

In my first post I mentioned a girl he used to be friends with who caused a load of problems for us and turned psycho. Well these two are best friends. That's the main reason why we haven't really met..

OP posts:
APlaceOnTheCouch · 26/09/2015 13:41

Perhaps others are going to join them for dinner? atm you don't know if there is anything to be concerned about in relation to the boundaries you have in your relationship.

It really doesn't matter if hundreds of posters on MN wouldn't care about their partner having dinner with a woman. What matters is that it bothers you, and you've discussed and agreed boundaries with your DP.

I can understand why you want to wait but unless you're planning on continually looking through his phone how will you know if he hasn't told you about it and is still going or if he has decided to cancel and that's why he hasn't told you about it?

MaudGonneMad · 26/09/2015 13:41

No, sorry, it isn't. Its how things worked from time immemorial until women became so easy to hoodwink they even undermine each other. Its laughable. Wake up! If he's your partner he doesn't go out with other women. If he does that, he's not your partner he's some random you're shacking up with for a while.

Oh do tell us more mrstwee. Time immemorial? Women easy to hoodwink? Both sound intriguing.

Original poster
Lawler123 · 26/09/2015 13:43

If he says he's out with his male friends or blatantly lies then I will just tell him I know. That is an even bigger problem than the dinner but hopefully That won't happen!

He does tend to tell me things the day before/that morning which is why I would prefer to wait and see.

OP posts:
ClashCityRocker · 26/09/2015 13:44

I go out for dinner with other men. I'm sure dh would be delighted to hear I'm just shacking up with him for a while.

Seriously, mrstwee, have a grip.

spudlike1 · 26/09/2015 13:44

That a lack of honesty a lack of trust and some game playing here
Men and women can be friends and can go.out for dinner

Why did the other women turn into a so called 'psycho' hmmmmm was she misled as well

Greengardenpixie · 26/09/2015 13:44

OP, maybe this is the first time because there's something specific she'd like his advice on. Work, house, anything.

Or are single women not allowed to ask the advice of married men?

They can ask advice but why to dinner? Why not both of them? I have had single friends but none that have met up with my dh purely and tbh, i would find it odd.