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Original poster

DP going for dinner with friend

485 replies

Lawler123 · 26/09/2015 09:37

At the beginning of our 3 year relationship when discussing boundaries I told my DP I wasn't comfortable with the idea of him going out for dinner with female friends. Some people would be okay with it but I'm just not.

In my DP's friendship group they have this friend who we will call Sarah. I know the guys all find her attractive and very hands on. I recently found out that another girlfriend isn't comfortable with her. I should also mention I have never met 'Sarah' mainly because she travels away lot.

Anyway the other evening DP and I were cuddling and his phone was charging next to me when Sarah text him. I didn't open the message but it was on the screen. Basically she was saying she wasn't fussed and he could pick. It's been on my mind since.

This morning curiosity got the better of me and I read the full text. Cut a long story short, she asked him out for dinner next week and he replied saying he would love to.

Now I know she quite often does dinner with her other male friends so really my issue isn't with her (though I am annoyed she asked!).

Thing is 2 years ago DP arranged a dinner with Sarah's close friend but I spoke to him and he never went. Turns out this girl was crazy and caused a load of issues for us.

But why is he still doing things when he knows how uncomfortable I am with it??

I don't know what to do. I only know because I snooped. I don't even know if he's going to tell me I'll have to wait and see. Ofc if he doesn't we have an even bigger problem but regardless of whether he tells me or not he's still doing something he knows I don't like.

I don't think there's anything to it, as I say she often goes out for dinners with male friends. But none of the other guys (who are in relationships) in their friendship group go out for dinner with just her!

I know people will probably think I'm unreasonable but I can only go with how I feel, and I don't feel comfortable.

OP posts:
ClashCityRocker · 26/09/2015 13:45

So, is the issue him going out for the dinner, or him not telling you?

I can see why you'd be miffed for him not telling you.

peggyundercrackers · 26/09/2015 13:49

Spud your s a bit of a stirrer.

Your controlling. So what if he goes out with someone else, it's only out with his friend who he has known for a long time. If he was going out with a male friend would you expect to be told 10 days in advance or if he said oh I'm going for a pint and a bite to eat with Matt tonight that would be OK?

I can't help but think if this post was about a woman saying her dh doesn't want her to go out the DH would be getting his arse handed to him on a plate.

loveyoutothemoon · 26/09/2015 13:54

It doesn't matter whether it's breakfast, lunch or tea, it's wrong. But then if it was me I would've finished it at the beginning if I wasn't happy with it.

It's disrespectful, and again, he doesn't do it with you cause you're saving money. He's not listened to your concerns. You're not happy. Move on!

SilverNightFairy · 26/09/2015 13:54

I think you must be straightforward with your partner. Why put yourself through the uncertainty and anxiety? It does not matter how other people conduct their relationships, if this makes you unhappy you need to address the problem.

Duckdeamon · 26/09/2015 13:55

Agree with PPs who say you clearly don't trust your DP.

The woman's motives are by the by if he's trustworthy.

So are you going to speak to him about it (and thus reveal you've read his messages), or worry and snoop some more?

Your hang up about your boyfriends eating with women one-to-one is a odd IMO. If people have friends of the opposite sex and are meeting up after "office hours" then it's just mealtime, so it's sensible to eat! Obviously different if they choose to eat somewhere super-romantic or expensive.

He is out of order on the secrecy and spending though.

loveyoutothemoon · 26/09/2015 13:55

You're not married, I'm assuming you don't have kids? I'm surprised it's lasted tbh.

ChickenTikkaMassala · 26/09/2015 13:59

Some of these posts are fucking depressing.

It's the 21st century, I have female friends with whom I socialise and do other activities with. I'm not glued to my wife.

ClashCityRocker · 26/09/2015 14:03

Some of these posts are fucking depressing

Agreed.

Original poster
Lawler123 · 26/09/2015 14:06

No spud she wasn't mislead Confused she started texting and calling him all the time, asking him to take her out to fancy places, she made up a fake profile to message me lies about my DP. The first (and last) time I met her she gave me a load of abuse.

You're not married, I'm assuming you don't have kids? I'm surprised it's lasted tbh

What makes you think that? Confused this is the only thing I've ever had to be concerned about. And again like I've said, he has plenty time to tell me. I believe he will tell me the day before/that morning.
But because of this 1 thing you're surprised we've lasted?

OP posts:
kittybiscuits · 26/09/2015 14:06

It's a hideous thread. I think the OP is pretty clued up anyway. Hopefully she'll have the presence of mind to hide it and trust her own judgement. Haven't y'all got anything better than to do than hanging around goading?

spudlike1 · 26/09/2015 14:08

I don't mean to stir ..but it is time for the op to get off here and talk to him ..not us

APlaceOnTheCouch · 26/09/2015 14:10

ChickenTikka yy and that's fine for you and your DW presumably. Likewise I have male friends I meet for dinner and DH has female friends he meets for dinner and that's fine for us.

But that doesn't mean the OP has to have our relationships. She has the right to have a relationship that makes her happy and secure.

What I find depressing is posters telling her how she has to feel, like relationships are one-size fits all.

Sodder · 26/09/2015 14:11

I believe he will tell me the day before/that morning.

OP, I don't understand why you're waiting for him to tell you. You need to talk to him about this. If you just wait for him to tell you, you'll just get more wound up.

Original poster
Lawler123 · 26/09/2015 14:15

Sodder - I completely understand what you're saying

The reason why I'm waiting is because he will most likely say "I was gunna tell her at the time" which in all honesty I think he will. If he doesn't then that becomes the bigger issue.

Not only that, but if I speak to him now he will know I've read the text. And understandably so, he will see that as a bigger issue than the meal. I have never looked before but again I wouldn't expect him to believe that.

Until he brings it up/doesn't bring it up I'll keep it to myself. I can stay calm, I'm good at that surprisingly! Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
Lawler123 · 26/09/2015 14:16

that was meant to say, "I was gunna tell you" not her.

OP posts:
loveyoutothemoon · 26/09/2015 14:20

I agree you need to talk to him definitely. I said that because you stated that you weren't happy about it when you met him. Is he telling you on the morning because he knows you won't be happy about it? And are you happy with that situation-not being able to say things to each other because it'll get your back up? You say it's the only thing but It's pretty major isn't it?
Some people are happy with other halves having meals together on a one to one some aren't. You clearly aren't and I wouldn't be. Doesn't sound like it's going to change (as you've mentioned your concerns before to him). You need to make a decision whether you can live with it or not, cause he's obviously happy with it.

derxa · 26/09/2015 14:20

Good luck Lawler Keep your eyes wide open.

Sodder · 26/09/2015 14:24

I think by staying quiet, it'll just grow into a monster. Far better to deal with it head on IMO.

BTW I'm on the fence regarding him meeting her for dinner. My attitude would depend on the individual friend.

Roussette · 26/09/2015 14:28

I have to say OP, you are sounding more like his Mother than his wife. WTF is this "setting boundaries" thing? I've been married decades and I've never set boundaries for my DH. He's a person in his own right and I'm not putting 'rules' in place for him to adhere to.

If and when something arises, we discuss it, but your tone is just odd. And now you are testing him to see if he tells you - where's the openness? That's what I'd do to a DC who ate the last fairy cake and wouldn't own up but had left a trail of crumbs.

FWIW my DH can eat with who he likes, male or female. He occasionally sees an old female friend or has a meal with a female who is in a niche interest group that he is part of, and I'm not. I occasionally grab a meal with a work colleague who is shock horror male. There is nothing in it. They are a person that's all, honestly gender is irrelevant sometimes. What's the point in being so territorial about a partner, I find it extremely weird.

Of course your DH won't have told you, he's breaking out of the boundaries because he feels stifled by them.

bloodyteenagers · 26/09/2015 14:29

I have read this thread and still not seen an explanation.

Why is it ok for me to go out for a meal with a female friend, just the two of us. But it's wrong to go out with a male mate?

ChickenTikkaMassala · 26/09/2015 14:32

bloodyteenagers the people who say that it is wrong cannot explain why.

Roussette · 26/09/2015 14:35

Well, I think it's right. The fact I am the opposite sex to my work colleague I occasionally have a meal with is totally irrelevant. We are talking work, families, rubbish. I honestly think that by setting rules like this, you push people to being underhand and wanting to do it. If somebody bans me from doing something, I want to do it. I've always been contrary like that Grin

0dfod · 26/09/2015 14:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Lawler123 · 26/09/2015 14:37

Roussette- I'm certainly not acting like his mother!

It wasn't a case of "you mustn't do this or that otherwise there'll be consequences".

We we just talking about what we would/wouldn't be okay with. There is NOTHING wrong with that. Neither of us wanted any more relationships that dwindled out after a few months because we realised we weren't compatable.

And fgs I am not "testing" him! I only know about this because of the text I saw. As I have said many times on this thread whenever he has plans after work he usually tells me the day before/that morning. The only reason why I'm waiting is so that 1) I don't have to admit to seeing that text, and 2) so I don't question why he hasn't told me when like I've said he will probably tell me the night before (like he usually does).

Well done if that works for you, but we aren't all the same. I'm sure there are things I would be okay with that you wouldn't be. Doesn't make either of us wrong. And it certainly doesn't make me his mother simply because we both had a discussion.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lawler123 · 26/09/2015 14:41

Why is it ok for me to go out for a meal with a female friend, just the two of us. But it's wrong to go out with a male mate

It isn't "wrong".

The only reason why in this instance it's not sitting right with me, is because despite the fact she sees him once a week with the others, and has never really been a close friend, more so a friend he sees when everyone gets together, she has suddenly invited him out for dinner with just her.

OP posts:
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