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Original poster

DP going for dinner with friend

485 replies

Lawler123 · 26/09/2015 09:37

At the beginning of our 3 year relationship when discussing boundaries I told my DP I wasn't comfortable with the idea of him going out for dinner with female friends. Some people would be okay with it but I'm just not.

In my DP's friendship group they have this friend who we will call Sarah. I know the guys all find her attractive and very hands on. I recently found out that another girlfriend isn't comfortable with her. I should also mention I have never met 'Sarah' mainly because she travels away lot.

Anyway the other evening DP and I were cuddling and his phone was charging next to me when Sarah text him. I didn't open the message but it was on the screen. Basically she was saying she wasn't fussed and he could pick. It's been on my mind since.

This morning curiosity got the better of me and I read the full text. Cut a long story short, she asked him out for dinner next week and he replied saying he would love to.

Now I know she quite often does dinner with her other male friends so really my issue isn't with her (though I am annoyed she asked!).

Thing is 2 years ago DP arranged a dinner with Sarah's close friend but I spoke to him and he never went. Turns out this girl was crazy and caused a load of issues for us.

But why is he still doing things when he knows how uncomfortable I am with it??

I don't know what to do. I only know because I snooped. I don't even know if he's going to tell me I'll have to wait and see. Ofc if he doesn't we have an even bigger problem but regardless of whether he tells me or not he's still doing something he knows I don't like.

I don't think there's anything to it, as I say she often goes out for dinners with male friends. But none of the other guys (who are in relationships) in their friendship group go out for dinner with just her!

I know people will probably think I'm unreasonable but I can only go with how I feel, and I don't feel comfortable.

OP posts:
MiddleAgedandConfused · 26/09/2015 10:39

Going for dinner with a female friend - not a problem.
Not telling you about it - huge problem.

molyholy · 26/09/2015 10:40

I would be quite brazen 'oh heard you were going out for dinner with sarah on x night. I'll come too'. He will know you must have had a snoop but won't be able to say anything.

Original poster
Lawler123 · 26/09/2015 10:59

I find it a bit odd that his friends are so separate to you after 3 years together

We aren't separate. This girl spends a lot of time travelling away which is why I haven't met her.
My DP and his friends meet once a week for dinner/a guys night (although she now goes) and they have the occasional night out in the city near by. Money, jobs, distance etc play a part and they don't get together like they used to.

If she manages to go out with single Matt without falling on his cock, why can't she go out with her married friends?

I do not think they're going out for this meal because they want to sleep with each other! That isn't why I'm uncomfortable with it. I'm uncomfortable because I don't like the idea of my DP going out for a cosy dinner with another woman.

I think you're wrong to "test" him by waiting. Does he always tell you every thing he does? If he doesn't, how will you know this is deliberately hidden

No. But him going out for dinner during the week isn't something he really does purely because of time. So when something does happen he makes me aware. I don't see that as a problem?

I'm not suggesting that I go no way. That would make me look controlling and like I don't trust them. That's not what it is, I just don't feel okay with it.

Joysmum - you hit the nail on the head! He had the choice to say "okay I don't agree with that so I don't think we would work" but he never and 3 years on we are very much in love and happy! So for him to do something he knows I'm unhappy with is massively disrespectful imo. Is this dinner with her worth disrespecting my feelings? By arranging it, he's saying yes it is.

Madgemak - he agreed to the boundaries, not rules, we both spoke about. He didn't to.

I would be a lot more understanding if this is something that had always happened.

But for her to invite him out for dinner just them two, for him to say yes knowing how I feel about it, and for him to so far not say anything isn't okay.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lawler123 · 26/09/2015 11:01

Also, apart from the obvious (not cheating) this is the only thing I have ever asked him not to do.

OP posts:
MadgeMak · 26/09/2015 11:05

I genuinely don't understand what the issue is then if you believe that their friendship is purely platonic. What is it about eating dinner together as opposed to drinking a coffee together that is somehow crossing a line for you?

spudlike1 · 26/09/2015 11:10

Completely different my view ..but could just be income related .
A meal out is a big event in our house .

derxa · 26/09/2015 11:13

I think this is a generational thing but there's no way in hell I would be happy about my husband going out with another woman for dinner if it wasn't business related. What is the purpose of it for a start? If he wants to catch up with her news then he can phone/text or he can say to you, 'I'm meeting up with Sarah. Do you want to come along?'
I know the purpose of the meeting and it's not to discuss the finer points of the offside rule.

TheBunnyOfDoom · 26/09/2015 11:20

What's the difference between going out for coffee/a drink and going out for a meal? Surely if you trust your partner, they can go out with whoever they want?

I guess I don't really understand why a dinner has to be "cosy" - surely it depends when/where you go and what the intentions are? Confused

moopymoodle · 26/09/2015 11:20

I'd not be happy with it. If she was that good of a close friend you would have met her and feel comfortable with her. Sounds like she's an aquintance and not really a friend. One on One dinners are for friends and date nights only. I'd not like my husband thinking it was ok to do such thing and he wouldn't like me to do it either!

Primadonnagirl · 26/09/2015 11:25

What on earth do you think happened at dinner specifically? Would you have no problem if they went for a coffee? He's wrong to keep it from you. He should have told you 3 years ago if he didn't like you dictating who he can see and under which circumstances he can see them.

ChickenTikkaMassala · 26/09/2015 11:25

Sorry OP but I can't see what the problem is, I think you're slightly jealous and controlling.

spudlike1 · 26/09/2015 11:25

You can take two view points :
a: Be cool with it they are just ' friends '
b: A woman you have never met is making a move on your man .
Your right and your choice and which ever one you go with he (and she ) has to respect because you two are what matters here as you are in a relationship with him ...

Primadonnagirl · 26/09/2015 11:26

That should have said happens at dinner.

loveyoutothemoon · 26/09/2015 11:31

Do you go out to dinner the two of you?

spudlike1 · 26/09/2015 11:31

Why does she want to move meeting up with him socially with a gang of mates to just the two of them ...

spudlike1 · 26/09/2015 11:32

Dodge ...my view

MadgeMak · 26/09/2015 11:34

Maybe the others aren't available. Maybe the others have controlling girlfriends too.

derxa · 26/09/2015 11:41

She's not controlling anything. Her DP is arranging a dinner with another woman behind her back.

MadgeMak · 26/09/2015 11:44

It's not "another woman". It's a friend. And the OP has said she doesn't think anything untoward is going on, that she would be fine with them meeting for coffee. It's just the thought of them shock horror eating together that's the problem.

Original poster
Lawler123 · 26/09/2015 11:45

They see each other in their group once a week. Why is she now deciding that she wants to go out for dinner just those two?

And no madgemak they don't have controlling girlfriends. She either 1) hasn't asked them (if not, again why only my DP?) 2) they've said no.

Loveyoutothemoon - yeah we do. We used to go out quite a bit but recently it happens less because we're trying to save money.

I'm not controlling. I just don't like my partner doing cosy couple things with another woman. Especially a woman who has now decided that doing things as a group isn't enough and she wants to spend dinner just him and her.

OP posts:
ChickenTikkaMassala · 26/09/2015 11:46

It's a friend FFS not another woman, why are some posters desperate to paint DP in a bad light when he hasn't done anything wrong. I bet he hasn't told the OP because he knew she'd react badly.

Original poster
Lawler123 · 26/09/2015 11:47

And no madgemak I wouldn't be okay with that either. Not because I'm controlling but because that isn't something he's ever done. So for him to start doing it raises eyebrows!

I should point out that when I spoke about this boundary I wasn't stopping him doing it because he had never done it in the first place. They've always gone out in a group, never just him and her.

OP posts:
ChickenTikkaMassala · 26/09/2015 11:48

OP how is a dinner 'cosy'?

Floggingmolly · 26/09/2015 11:49

"Having dinner" is a much more intimate thing to than just going for a pint, of course it is. I wouldn't be happy either, op.

SinglePringle · 26/09/2015 11:50

Fucks sake. I am single. I have male friends who I've known for nearly 30 years. Some of them are married. Sometimes I meet my married male friends for dinner without their wives. Sometimes their wives (who are also my friends) come too.

I've managed to not shag any of my married male friends when we go out for dinner in a public restaurant. Sometimes they want time without their wives; I care not either way - happy for Mrs Friend to come, Happy for her to not - but I'd be deeply offended and hurt if she said he couldn't have dinner with me.