DP going for dinner with friend

[Lawler123]

At the beginning of our 3 year relationship when discussing boundaries I told my DP I wasn't comfortable with the idea of him going out for dinner with female friends. Some people would be okay with it but I'm just not.

In my DP's friendship group they have this friend who we will call Sarah. I know the guys all find her attractive and very hands on. I recently found out that another girlfriend isn't comfortable with her. I should also mention I have never met 'Sarah' mainly because she travels away lot.

Anyway the other evening DP and I were cuddling and his phone was charging next to me when Sarah text him. I didn't open the message but it was on the screen. Basically she was saying she wasn't fussed and he could pick. It's been on my mind since.

This morning curiosity got the better of me and I read the full text. Cut a long story short, she asked him out for dinner next week and he replied saying he would love to.

Now I know she quite often does dinner with her other male friends so really my issue isn't with her (though I am annoyed she asked!).

Thing is 2 years ago DP arranged a dinner with Sarah's close friend but I spoke to him and he never went. Turns out this girl was crazy and caused a load of issues for us.

But why is he still doing things when he knows how uncomfortable I am with it??

I don't know what to do. I only know because I snooped. I don't even know if he's going to tell me I'll have to wait and see. Ofc if he doesn't we have an even bigger problem but regardless of whether he tells me or not he's still doing something he knows I don't like.

I don't think there's anything to it, as I say she often goes out for dinners with male friends. But none of the other guys (who are in relationships) in their friendship group go out for dinner with just her!

I know people will probably think I'm unreasonable but I can only go with how I feel, and I don't feel comfortable.

If you do move abroad with him, will you still be expected to stay away from his place two nights a week?
I hope it all works out for you, OP, but if I were you, I wouldn't go abroad with him.

Apart from the statements about 'loving each other', there is nothing you have said indicating this relationship has a future. Because nothing indicates solid basis. I said it before, this is unlikely to last. You don't share common values, lies have been told/snooping has happened about something that you believe is innocent friendship, but contradicts your values.

Is this your first serious/long relationship? Have you ever lived abroad by yourself? Even with a job, 'following someone' has a huge tag price and very strong pillars need to be in place for it to work.

You don't seem ready to end this relationship, but I would cut my losses here and now. You are already conceding so much for no reason but for the hope of staying together

I don't believe you Op, I don't think that you do want to spend time apart from him. People in love don't crave distance.

You're bending over backwards here to accommodate him, I don't think that you're being honest with yourself. The dreaded pick me dance.

You sound like a really nice person, please don't sell yourself short. x

When people get married they tend to live together 7 days a week not 5!!!!!

OP I'm sorry to say this as you sound lovely, but you seem to be trying to please him and he's doing nothing to please you. He wants to see less of you and "if" that works then maybe he would ask you to go abroad with him.

That awful, beseeching hopefulness is something I have felt too in the past. I was in a relationship once where I would have done anything to make it work, and he kept asking for space and I gave it to him and in the end it did n't work out and I was devastated.

Fast forward a few years and I met DH. He couldn't get enough of me and he asked me to move in because he missed me too much on the days I wasn't seeing him. We've been together ten years now and we still love being together.

I think that kind of happiness is in your future, but sadly not with this man. There are too many red flags. The secret dinner looks like a sympton not a cause.

People in love don't crave distance.
Well i have been with my dh nearly 30 years. I dont think he has ever craved distance. I quite like having time to myself but its no big deal. I like being with my dh.
He is without a doubt letting you down gently or wanting the best of both worlds
Not only that, but after everything that has gone on prior to this, its not looking good tbh.
In your heart you know it. You know that if that girl made a move on him he wouldnt have refused.
He has told you what he thinks you want to hear.

OP, I get the idea of everyone in a relationship wanting some 'me' time, but from what you have told us (after a 3 year relationship) your DP is using this to another degree!

If he wasn't happy with the set up you had, then why not say so before arranging/agreeing to a meal out with a 'friend' that you had clearly said would make you feel uncomfortable?

Didums, that he now says "it was just a meal with a friend"- correct me if I'm wrong, but did you not say that she was more of an 'acquaintance' through the group he belongs to?

My opinion (and that's all is) is he is playing you.

A 3 year relationship is long enough to know if you want someone in your space fulltime, or part-time.

Look after yourself, as you sound very caring. You may have suggested the 6 week "let's see" but was that off the back of him saying "come abroad with me if things work out"?

I think he's full of shit, but hey ho - you do the "pick me!" dance while trying not to put a foot wrong, and giving him his 'space'. Good luck to you.

He does "get alone time"?
WTAF?
What, you never go out with your friends?
I've lived with 3 people. All have gone wrong for various reasons - dramatic and not. In no case have I ever felt I lacked "alone time".

Don't wait to be dumped, or worse, strung along. Move on! Get in first!

I completely understand what he's saying about him not having space. I've been in a position where I had no alone time what so ever and it's draining, it catches up with you. - This is family life. This is motherhood. Do you have children? I'm guessing not. How's he going to cope when he doesn't even get 'alone time' when he's meant to be sleeping?

Reading your posts is making me cringe for you as you are so desperate to hang onto this that you have convinced yourself of something that you don't really believe. After three years together, when your boyfriend tells you he wants space from you, it's not a good sign. I've been with my partner 15 years and we don't crave space. The odd night out without one another happens and that's great but we love each other's company. I'll say it again - if you are abroad with this man you will be together ALL THE TIME. Even more so, because you won't know anyone else! There is no way he is taking you abroad with him.

He says he doesn't want to end things and does still love you, but I think you know he would have gone through with that date and that the reason is because he's looking around and fancies this other girl. Now he wants to see less of you. None of this adds up to happily ever after.

I'm living apart from my DH just now because I'm sorting out my deceased dad's legal affairs. I miss him every minute. I've been with my DH for over 30 years.

The thing is because of my work hours I have 5 hours to myself every day to as I please. He gets none. So when he goes somewhere and doesn't invite me, he said to him that is his 'alone time'. Because if I went along every single time he would genuinely never have any time away from me apart from at work.

So his 'alone time' is actually spent with other people. Generally, lots of other people. Not alone at all.

Listen to what he's saying. He's trying to make out that he needs time 'alone' to recharge his batteries, gather his thoughts, etc. But that doesn't make any sense, since he's not actually alone.

By 'alone time', he means away from you. Not alone at all.

I'm sorry to spell it out. I get how you're feeling. We've all been there. The sense of total loss of control over a situation can be but-wrenching. But holding on for dear life isn't enough if you're not on the same page.

You said yourself in your most recent update post that he was thinking of ending things, but then at 17:37 that he doesn't want to end things. I get a strong sense that he was trying to be honest at the start of the conversation, but then felt the emotional pressure to reassure.

I agree with everyone else who is cautioning you not to move overseas with him. And I say this as someone who did it with a loving and caring DH in a solid, LTR. It's tough!

And yes, 'alone time' pretty much ceases to exist once you have a family.

Hmm, he is messing you around op.

People don't dump people they love because they need more me-time.

Does this 6 week trial involve you giving him more blow jobs (that's when you are not giving him "space" to date other women) ?

I feel bad for you, op. You are being taken for a mug.

Phone died so might post this twice..but OP honestly I think in a nutshell it is simple. He isn't that into you now as they say and it's harsh but his loss. The right guy does not want time apart, does not even consider taking jobs in other countries without being sure you will come with him, does not lie about meeting up with people and doesn't think about ending things. I had such a similar situation once. You can end it now and have your pride but might have a 'what if' moment when you are single until you meet mr right when you will wonder why you wasted 3 years with this one. Or you do the trial, he will finish it and you will lose your pride but know you did what you could. If it helps, ask yourself what you would say to a friend in the same situation. He might really care about you. But he's not into you enough for it to work I fear. Best of luck

Are you going out with Spencer Matthews? Because this reads like the plot of Made in Chelsea. Future trajectory is likely to be similar IMHO.

I love my DH very much but I too enjoy my time without him and him his time without me. That's fine, that's understandable, I couldn't beat to be in each other's pockets.

There's a big difference between needing some space and thinking an evening out with an acquaintance was worth lying to your partner about.

I think he mention of needing space has distracted you from this. This hasn't changed! Whatever his need for space is he's a liar who would rather lie than talk thinks though and when caught out he distracts you with talk of trials on your relationship.

Best of luck but I think you're being played

Everyone keeps referring to the woman he was so enthused and secretive about going to meet for dinner as a 'friend' or 'acquaintance' and there seems to be blanket acceptance of that, not least from the OP.

There's a thread on here - just found out his friend isn't just a friend. Despite husband's repeated assurances for the past 14 years that the 'friend' is just a 'friend' it turns out she's a whole lot more.

Just because this bloke says the woman he's been texting and arranging to meet behind his girlfriend's back is just a friend/acquaintance - doesn't mean it's the truth. He could fancy the arse off her, vice versa, actively seeking to develop something, something could already be going on, who knows? But one thing I know (given all the self centred shit this bloke spouts) I wouldn't be taking his word for it.

You know a few years ago people weren't relly meant ohave good friends of the opposite sex, def not meant to go anywhere in private with them. Guess what people still had a ffairs, they just lied more, instead of "going to see giny tonight", "working late in the office tonight sweetie"

You know a few years ago people weren't relly meant ohave good friends of the opposite sex, def not meant to go anywhere in private with them. Guess what people still had a ffairs, they just lied more, instead of "going to see giny tonight", "working late in the office tonight sweetie"

Not really sure what the point of this reply is. Tbh, yeh you are right there were still affairs but while i see no harm in have a friend of the opposite sex it can:

but is suppose my insecurity would be, you never really know what the other person is thinking/feeling. With the best intentions, a female friendship may not start out that way but there are times in life when everyone is vunerable.

Yes Fontella, good point.

Lawler, you may be giving the message that acting behind your back is ok. And one question for you: Do you think you can ever fully trust him again? Will this end in paranoia for you?
Are these great foundations for the future?
Sending hugs to you.

Not getting the point of Fontanella either. The problem with this thread was never the friendship with a woman. The problem of the thread Fontanella is referring to was not about a general problem with all the women in the world. It was about a friendship that was making her feel uncomfortable because it was out of order. And I don't think anybody on that thread had expressed a different opinion even before knowing the full extent of the betrayal.

Some friendships (male and female) are twointense or based on sharing to much time/etc to be compatible with any 'normal' relationship. If a previous/current relationship makes you uncomfortable (female or male) I strongly believe you must trust your instincts and demand that relationship to change/end. Of course, this is only reasonable if restricted to exceptional occasions. Imposing your values on someone who does not share them with you is unacceptable. As it has become evident through the OP interventions, her 'strict' boundaries regarding 'dinner with women' are actually meaningless and she has no boundaries at all when it comes to keep the illusion of this relationship alive.

Lawler is not in a healthy relationship. Her partner wants 'space', has thought of 'ending things', is considering working abroad (not sure whether with or without her) has lied to her about his social life, etc. etc. I would personally run a mile from someone who demanded me to never have dinner with a male friend (would Lesbians be ok? or would they also be a danger by definition). I understand some people prefer this kind of arrangements for whatever reasons, but it must be a mutual arrangement, based on shared values.

Lawler's relationship is ending. She can feel it and she has become insecure and willing to do whatever it takes to 'save' it, despite all the evidence revealing this guy is not really in it.