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Original poster

DP going for dinner with friend

485 replies

Lawler123 · 26/09/2015 09:37

At the beginning of our 3 year relationship when discussing boundaries I told my DP I wasn't comfortable with the idea of him going out for dinner with female friends. Some people would be okay with it but I'm just not.

In my DP's friendship group they have this friend who we will call Sarah. I know the guys all find her attractive and very hands on. I recently found out that another girlfriend isn't comfortable with her. I should also mention I have never met 'Sarah' mainly because she travels away lot.

Anyway the other evening DP and I were cuddling and his phone was charging next to me when Sarah text him. I didn't open the message but it was on the screen. Basically she was saying she wasn't fussed and he could pick. It's been on my mind since.

This morning curiosity got the better of me and I read the full text. Cut a long story short, she asked him out for dinner next week and he replied saying he would love to.

Now I know she quite often does dinner with her other male friends so really my issue isn't with her (though I am annoyed she asked!).

Thing is 2 years ago DP arranged a dinner with Sarah's close friend but I spoke to him and he never went. Turns out this girl was crazy and caused a load of issues for us.

But why is he still doing things when he knows how uncomfortable I am with it??

I don't know what to do. I only know because I snooped. I don't even know if he's going to tell me I'll have to wait and see. Ofc if he doesn't we have an even bigger problem but regardless of whether he tells me or not he's still doing something he knows I don't like.

I don't think there's anything to it, as I say she often goes out for dinners with male friends. But none of the other guys (who are in relationships) in their friendship group go out for dinner with just her!

I know people will probably think I'm unreasonable but I can only go with how I feel, and I don't feel comfortable.

OP posts:
ChickenTikkaMassala · 26/09/2015 11:52

Right so me getting a cheeky Nando's with a female friend is intimate is it? Grin

loveyoutothemoon · 26/09/2015 11:53

You're trying to save money but he'll go out with her and not you?! Sorry but that's unbelievable.

Isetan · 26/09/2015 11:53

If you trust him, then there isn't a problem and I think you are trying to control this aspect of his life because you are insecure. If he hasn't exhibited any clandestine behaviour before, then you are letting your insecurities dictate who he can see and when.

He should man up and tell you to get over yourself but he hasn't and now you've got the bit between the teeth, I don't think this bodes well for the future.

spudlike1 · 26/09/2015 12:01

I think some posters are being a little naive

Having dinner with friends you've known for 30 is great ..This situation is not that however , and questioning this woman's intentions is also not controlling .
It's it's just having an awareness and querying

WorraLiberty · 26/09/2015 12:02

I think the "cool" gang on here are entirely missing the point.

Well that didn't take long did it?

Why are phrases like "cool gang", always trotted out to describe women who simply don't have a jealous bone in their bodies, or who trust their DPs implicitly? Hmm

I'm just waiting for "hand maidens" and "menz" before I can call bingo...

spudlike1 · 26/09/2015 12:04

Nando s with my female friend is intimate ?
of course it is ? it's just the two of you

kittybiscuits · 26/09/2015 12:09

Because it's used as a means of belittling other people's genuine and well-founded concerns. It doesn't matter what other people would do or think is OK. OP isn't okay with this or with dishonest behaviour. Are you going to say he has to lie because she doesn't trust him?

ChickenTikkaMassala · 26/09/2015 12:12

Well my wife has just snorted with laughter after I asked her if me going to Nando's with a single female friend is intimate.

WorraLiberty · 26/09/2015 12:13

I'm not sure who your post was directed at kitty?

Are you saying it's ok to belittle women who aren't jealous or concerned, by calling them the 'cool gang'?

spudlike1 · 26/09/2015 12:14

Why does she want to take him out to dinner ? Just him ? I don't get it ? And why is she showing a lack.of respect for you .
Maybe she is a little naive
Maybe he's easily flattered

MadgeMak · 26/09/2015 12:17

OP are you absolutely sure none of the other friends are going for dinner too?

Original poster
Lawler123 · 26/09/2015 12:18

If this was something he had always done I wouldn't see it as something to be concerned about.

But it isn't.

In the whole of our relationship this woman has never asked him to go out for dinner and as far as I'm aware none of his other male friends (apart from the single one) has gone out alone with her. He has never gone out with a female friend for dinner. So for it to suddenly start now isn't right. Not only on his part but on hers - why is she suddenly asking just my partner out for dinner, when she sees him once a week with the others?

OP posts:
Original poster
Lawler123 · 26/09/2015 12:20

I'm sure madgemak.

They have a group chat on (just the guys) and chat throughout the day plus he works with the only single friend who happens to be the one she sees a lot.

OP posts:
MadgeMak · 26/09/2015 12:21

But if you think nothing is going on and you trust your partner, which is it a problem?

MrsCorbyn · 26/09/2015 12:21

I think it is controlling.

I go for dinner with single male friends (two in the past week, another next week), one of whom is an ex that DP gets along with, one has caused issues previously but since apologised, the other a mutual friend of me and DP. This causes no problems whatsoever and I wouldn't remain in a relationship where I couldn't see who I like.

DP trusts me and we talk about things if he ever feels uncomfortable. I wouldn't mind him doing similar but he has few close female friends which I suppose some might see as fortunate for me.

If you trust him why is it an issue? They are friends.

derxa · 26/09/2015 12:21

The OP isn't happy about it. So she sits at home and the DP goes out with another woman and spends money on a meal. The OP is not going out for meals so much because they're supposed to be saving money. I'd be absolutely raging. This 'cool girlfriend' thing sounds like a pile of utter shite.

MadgeMak · 26/09/2015 12:22

Not which. Why is it a problem?

Lelania · 26/09/2015 12:22

Perhaps I'm missing something but couldn't that text be about something else entirely? Is there any evidence they are meeting up for dinner alone?

Nonnainglese · 26/09/2015 12:23

For goodness sake just ask him.
Or say you'd love to meet Sarah, can you come too.

End of.

spudlike1 · 26/09/2015 12:23

She's making a move .... she fancies him ...
Let's not play 'cool' or dumb here
She wants to.meet him alone for dinner ...duh! Away from the ' gang'.

It could be innocent but you have not met her so you are unable to judge the situation, oh and he's forgotten to tell you

ChickenTikkaMassala · 26/09/2015 12:24

If he's spending his money what does it matter?

MadgeMak · 26/09/2015 12:28

The crux of this is whether OP trust her partner. She says she does, therefore this shouldn't be an issue. All this gubbins about dinner being cosy and intimate is a smokescreen to cover up the fact that she doesn't really trust her partner. OP you need to just talk to him, we can speculate on here till the cows come home whether this is appropriate or not, but only he knows whether what he's doing is truly above board or not.

Original poster
Lawler123 · 26/09/2015 12:29

Lelania - I read the full text this morning. She asked if he wanted to go for dinner with just her this week coming up. He can't make this week so they arranged for next Monday.

Chicken - I have no problems with what he spends his money on. He earns it.
What I do find slightly upsetting is that we don't go out for dinner half as much because we're both saving money. But he can still go out and spend money on dinners with someone who all of a sudden wants to go out for dinner with only him and none of the others.

OP posts:
MadgeMak · 26/09/2015 12:32

Did she actually say in her text that she wanted to go out for dinner just the two of them? Did he not ask why?

WorraLiberty · 26/09/2015 12:33

Just. talk. to. him.

But be honest and stop saying you're totally fine with him having female friends, because you're obviously not.

If this person had a penis, I really don't think you would have started this thread.