Is this a red flag? "I've never been in a relationship with someone who's my equal before."

[JasmineBuckles]

It's a very new relationship. He's been nothing but respectful, lovely and kind so far.

He's said a couple of times that this is a different dynamic than he's used to. He's very alpha, I can tell he would like to be the man who looks after me and 'saves' me from my (rather marvellous, but busy) life.

However, after leaving an abusive relationship three years ago and doing a LOT of work on myself I think I have pretty robust self esteem and a set of healthy boundaries. I'm also very self sufficient and independent. My life is great already, he's a really nice addition.

When I asked him to elaborate, he said that he's used to charming people, and I'm impervious. He actually has to be himself to keep me interested.
But does that mean that he's spent his entire adult life going out with women who he considers beneath him? And not his equal? And is that a red flag?

Hmm, I'd tread carefully.

And why hasn't he been out with someone who's his equal before?

Be very careful.

I assume this is meant to be a compliment, to make you feel pleased that he thinks you are good enough for him?

You presumably designed your own life, why would you need rescuing.

Definitely tread carefully.

Be careful OP, you've been in an abusive relationship before. I'd be wary.
It might not sound like much to people who haven't but it rings alarm bells for me.
Just take it slwly. Maybe he is lovely but there's a chance that he's using his charm to groom you in,

Definitely tread carefully.

He is a man who does not see women as his equal. He is very lovely and charming now but as he says he is used to charming people.

He uses charm to get what he wants.

Sounds quite like my h who I am trying to divorce after some years of misery

That means he thinks other woman are "not equal" to him? As in inferior because they're suckered in by his charm?

It's a douchey thing to say. No secure man would even think that.

This does sound very suspect to me, esp with your history. This sounds like something designed to flatter you - I'm better than all his previous girlfriends! - and then act as motivator if you want to avoid being told "I'm so disappointed, I thought I had found my equal but you're just like all the rest".

It's an incredibly disrespectful way to talk about his previous relationships. It would also make me concerned about showing any kind of vulnerability that might be interpreted as weakness. I couldn't be doing with all that at all, even if this was a relatively casual relationship.

I'd tell him straight you find it disturbing that he doesn't regard his previous girlfriends as his equal and want to know why not.

He sounds like a twat

He's telling you loud and clear what he thinks of himself and what he thinks of women in general.
Listen to him.
Then run.

Probably said that to them all. Thinks it makes you feel special. What a knob.

Jasmine - I strongly believe that some personality types are vulnerable to and attract certain abusive personality types.

Abusive personality types seek out people they can dominate, abuse and control.

My father and my mother are in this kind of relationship.

Huge Red Flag not just because its an arse hole thing to say, but because he has being trying to work out how to manipulate you and what makes you vulnerable.

worse still he's even told you thats what he is doing.

Leave him before its too late this will not end well

Supremely arrogant and clearly thinks himself superior

Beware.

All OP has said he has said is that he's used to charming people and it doesn't seem to work with her. I've not seen where he said he feels women are beneath him?

Oh god. He actually said that?

No. Just no.

HUGE red flag.

Just read the title, yes.

It's a kind of flattery that is designed to make you feel smug about being better than all the other (dumb/uneducated/shallow) women he usually meets. It's actually a nasty misogynist dig at women in general and you're clearly not shallow enough to fall for it. I can't say I enjoy this type of compliment.

Is he genuinely humbled that he's had a bit of an epiphany? Or does he say it slightly off the cuff?

But I'm not sure you should listen to me [history of abusive relationships; vulnerable to. Despite 'work'].

I know I'd swerve an alpha male whatever he's saying.

he said that he's used to charming people, and I'm impervious. He actually has to be himself to keep me interested.

That's him charming you...

its like saying "oh, all those other girls were so silly, they couldn't see through me. You're much cleverer than them"

Hmm. I have to admit I don't like the sound of that and if a new guy had said it to me I'd be raising a mental eyebrow. My ex said similar things when we first met and turned out to be hugely EA and controlling. He was one of those who makes a big point of saying he loves strong, independent women but actually wants a doormat and spends the rest of the time trying to turn you into one.

What Mother said. I'm seeing a huge red flag. I accept that i'm projecting but what you say about him wanting to rescue you from your busy life reminded me of my EA ex. I loved my busy life, he broke it to pieces because he was jealous and wanted to be the only thing in my life. I lost my career, my friends, and I nearly killed myself.

Run now.

He does sound like a twat. I am concerned that he may be a twat.

I know that I'm vulnerable to yet another abusive relationship.

I am currently acting on what he does and not what he says. Just to confuse me, today he went to pick up my disabled sister while I was working so we could all go for early dinner/late lunch and when we were done drove 20 miles out of his way to drop her off.

On his actions, I can't fault him. On his words, I really can.

He may be a regular nice guy or he may be charming you.

This is what's confusing me. He seems like he can't believe his luck, goes out of his way to do nice things, I really don't do much apart from turn up.