Is this a red flag? "I've never been in a relationship with someone who's my equal before."

[JasmineBuckles]

It's a very new relationship. He's been nothing but respectful, lovely and kind so far.

He's said a couple of times that this is a different dynamic than he's used to. He's very alpha, I can tell he would like to be the man who looks after me and 'saves' me from my (rather marvellous, but busy) life.

However, after leaving an abusive relationship three years ago and doing a LOT of work on myself I think I have pretty robust self esteem and a set of healthy boundaries. I'm also very self sufficient and independent. My life is great already, he's a really nice addition.

When I asked him to elaborate, he said that he's used to charming people, and I'm impervious. He actually has to be himself to keep me interested.
But does that mean that he's spent his entire adult life going out with women who he considers beneath him? And not his equal? And is that a red flag?

Relationships are not a competition. It's not about charm, or who's smarter or keeping each other interested. It's about mutual support, genuine affection, laughter, the ability to show each other tenderness and kindness.
I wouldn't stay with someone who said those things simply because they show he compares you to exes and sees keeping you as some sort of task. That way lies anger, heartache, defensiveness and upset. He should see you just as you, as a woman he likes and admires, not as a client to be schmoozed and not as someone high in the woman pecking order.

He's telling you loud and clear what he thinks of himself and what he thinks of women in general.
Listen to him.
Then run.

This. Definitely.

I have caught him giving me a bit of spiel a couple of times, and called him on it straight away. He's always laughed, admitted he was talking to me like I was a client, and then said what he really meant.

This is him in an ongoing attempt to manipulate you, and then backing off quickly and passing it off as a joke or "oops aren't I charming slipping into client-speak" and then telling you what you want to hear. For all you know, BOTH approaches are false, like a double bluff. The fact that he's openly admitted to you that he "charms" those women that were "beneath him" should tell you exactly what he thinks of women in general. Because let's face it, if he thought they were beneath him, why was he trying to charm them????

By continuing to see him, you are accepting and validating his belief in the inferiority of all those 'other' women he has gone out with. You are effectively agreeing with him that there are 'inferior' women and setting yourself up to become one of them.

can tell he would like to be the man who looks after me and 'saves' me from my (rather marvellous, but busy) life.

You're a grown and adult woman. You can save yourself ... If you need saving at all.

he said that he's used to charming people, and I'm impervious. He actually has to be himself to keep me interested.

he's flattering you to make you feel special, then he's hinting at vulnerability to draw you in.

You are seeing a player, probably a skilled one, and yes, run.

Even if he's not a player, he's certainly a tosspot. Find someone who's themselves all the time. This one's more interested in the reflection of himself in your eyes, than in you.

Why don't you talk to him? Ask him if he understands why that is so offensive? It may just be nervous blethering, trying to impress you.

You may find when you talk to him that he understands it was naff and stupid.
I'd give him a chance to explain before deciding whether to dump him.

I may be waaay off here, but I'm going to suggest a possible alternative/opposite.

Is there any chance that what he means is it's the first time being himself is getting him somewhere and that he needs to be himself, rather than trying to charm others because 'him' wasn't enough for them?

I would observe and decide. Maybe question further, but not confront these ideas directly until I had decided whether to stay or not.
If you challenge him he'll backtrack and it's not likely that you will know what he really thinks.

Have you given him a chance to provr by his actions that he can cope with you being his equal?

Why don't you take control for a while? You choose the 4 restaurants for him to select from. You refuse an offer that involves him "saving" you, e.g. the driving. Disagree with him on something which simply ends with you two agreeing to disagree and you do what you want.

If you make a point of being the alpha yourself then you'll soon see if he is genuine or not.

Sounds like a complete creep - especially the 'have to be himself' bit.

OP you can't be so stupid you don't see through this BS? You remind me of all the OW 'but he's different with me, because he says I'm special. so I know he'll never cheat on ME.' D'uh.

he said that he's used to charming people, and I'm impervious.

In other words, he sees you as a challenge to be conquered. Men who are excited by that are often quite predatory. They work very, very hard to thaw you, seduce you, break you down, get you to a point where are easilt hurt by them, then rip you to shreds and wander off bored, looking for the next bit of prey.

OP, I think you need to start taking control & see how he responds. You book the restaurant, you drive him somewhere, you organize how you will spend your time together.

At the moment it seems like he is dis-empowering you under the guise of being helpful. My stepdad did/does this to my mum - she was always raving about how he does everything for her. He still does. And he is an abusive sack of shit.

Just a guess, but imho: Yes to Mr. indespensible. Then you will "owe" him. He is manufacturing a sort of moral superiority over you. My guess is that he will be keeping a tally of all the favors he does for you. Then his requests for you will start out as little things. Things no one would mind doing (and you feel obligated). Then a little bigger thing...the frog in cool water getting warmed up to a boil analogy. The isolation/erosion of your self esteem will progress bit by bit.

It is quite a dance. Look out for the shame card when you decline to do the little favor for him (a favor that comes at a small sacrifice to you-missing a friend'a birthday for example). Look out for: He will make you choose between him and whatever event instead of joining in with you.

When my ex left to be with his now partner of five years, he told me that she was my intellectual superior. It was meant to be an insult to me rather than a validation of her, of this I'm sure. However, since then, she has lorded it up over our children, she has none, that she is indeed the intellectual superior. He used to have a saying that got him through his working week: it was 'do charming'.

Having said all that, they seem a happy couple (I've never met her), not without their issues of course (he told me this). I wish him all the best, but strangely feel very sorry for her.

I know this type of man. I don't think it's possible to manipulate continually at work and return home to be a completely different animal. Jobs like that attract egotistic extroverts. People who bullshit well for a living are used to being admired and also admire themselves. They have to be attractive, confident and smooth - or conceited, manipulative and dishonest, depending on your perspective. They make their living out of psyching out or winning over a crowd and they can turn this talent to their advantage in relationships. Repeated success (and subsequent boredom) with women leads them to further over-estimate their worth. They believe they are very special and don't understand why you wouldn't happily acknowledge this, especially if they consider you 'special' too. Since they professionally win people's trust and confidence at work, they will know exactly what to do to make it look like they are genuinely lovely and decent. I have a BIL like this who is frighteningly good at making women think he's a good guy - but his own private mantra is: 'one on the way in, one on the way out'. It irks me that enough women fall for it to make this possible.

At the end of the day, if you want to be with an arrogant, self-absorbed liar it's up to you. Personally, the charisma would wear thin very quickly.

Wow, I haven't read all of the replies but wanted to mark my place.

It's a strange thing to say all right. His previous partners were either his ''equal" (intellectually?) and he failed to acknowledge that, or he failed to give their voice equal representation in the relationship??? or he was happy with women who weren't that clever?

I'd be wary too.

I said it to a man once, but I meant it that it was nice to be treated as an equal.

Agree with PPs. Had a past relationship like this, some very similar red flags (which didn't know at the time sadly) down to the "going out of his way" (at first) and seeing himself as Mr clever and charming, and once was "hooked" he turned out to be abusive.

REad a little more now and OP I think (having also been in an abusive relationship for 7 years, but 8 years ago now) I'd avoid saying anything about the future that he could hold you to. Know that you can end this at any point. It doesn't matter how good he's been to your sister. I know what I'm like, and accepting big favours makes me feel beholden to people!! so usually I don't.

I once met a man who claimed to like strong women and claimed to find me great company etc... but he had this weird way of encouraging me to berate myself for anything that had happened in my past. It was odd. I noticed it, luckily. he wasn't as clever as he thought. But it was like, find a strong woman, make her feel bad about her self

In your position OP I'd run for the hills. He is telling you he doesn't like women (has never dated an equal) and sees you as a challenge. He's not a poor shy little creature who's never met a woman he can be comfortable with - that's just complete bullshit.

The hills are this way ====>

Run.

There are habitual liars/bullshitters/charmers/ who really beleive that they are smarter than you because you cannot spot all their lies. Who wants to be thinking all the time is he lying/charming me this time ? Also the double bluff- 'oh you caught me ' does not mean he isn't trying another lying/charming tactic the 2nd time around or the 3rd-- His whole spiel is creepy but he picked that approach because he judged it would reel you in. What did he spot in you that made him choose that approach rather than another- because he's got a ton of different flies to catch different fish. Be the one that got away.

no idea how all these lines came into my post. I mean all of it.

Quite a few years ago exbf said those exact words. This thread has been very cathartic because always his subsequent behaviour now makes absolute sense.

That relationship ended very badly for me. He ticks every box that other posters have described. I was young and innocent of people like him at the time. But knowing what I now know I would say this is your cue to leave and avoid the heartbreak he will undoubtedly bring.