Is this a red flag? "I've never been in a relationship with someone who's my equal before."

[JasmineBuckles]

It's a very new relationship. He's been nothing but respectful, lovely and kind so far.

He's said a couple of times that this is a different dynamic than he's used to. He's very alpha, I can tell he would like to be the man who looks after me and 'saves' me from my (rather marvellous, but busy) life.

However, after leaving an abusive relationship three years ago and doing a LOT of work on myself I think I have pretty robust self esteem and a set of healthy boundaries. I'm also very self sufficient and independent. My life is great already, he's a really nice addition.

When I asked him to elaborate, he said that he's used to charming people, and I'm impervious. He actually has to be himself to keep me interested.
But does that mean that he's spent his entire adult life going out with women who he considers beneath him? And not his equal? And is that a red flag?

Doesn't that seem odd?

Do you have any say?

That's what they do. He'll put you on a pedestal and treat you like God for a while......

well, if you're having doubts already, then let him go.

all this angst for a very new relationship

you "just turn up" ?

what are you, a helpless dolly bird ?

Tbh, even having to ask 'is this a red flag?' is a 'red flag' in itself.

HELL YES.

Just to confuse me, today he went to pick up my disabled sister while I was working so we could all go for early dinner/late lunch and when we were done drove 20 miles out of his way to drop her off.

Thats a bit OTT in a "very new" relationship, tbh.

He needs to be the Knight in Shining Armour. He takes care of everything.

As an independant woman that would bug the hell out of me. Sometimes I'd like to do things MY way and for HIM to just tag along placidly.

I agree with christina . What he said would make me back off sharpish.

Making himself indispensable, eh ?

• "he's very alpha". Do you mean he's dominating?

• "he would like to 'save' me" = he's controlling. Your life is fine and only controlling people need to be saviours (or any other variation of wanting to shape your life differently to how you have set it up for yourself).

• And wrt finally being with an "equal" : He's setting you up to want to keep proving that you're not like those other, inferior women - or risk disappointing him.

RED FLAG!! RUN!! Voice of experience here - sounds very like my ex husband who ended up taking most of my self-confidence and self esteem. It was a challenge to him to gain the upper hand. Fortunately I'm now married to a lovely man who builds me up and encourages me.

I think he told you that he usually tries to charm people. I think his actions show that he is trying to charm you. He is not being himself. I think the real him is yet to be revealed.

Your instincts are always on your side, and yours are telling you something.

It seems he has some type of an agenda. Why would a genuine bloke say something like that?

Yrs, as pp have said tread carefully

Next time he says it, what about "that's going to have to be your problem, then"
If you can do it fairly cheerily, then see how he reacts - if it was always well-meant, then you're fine?

And the "charming" thing sounds like him basically telling you that he is a manipulator. And somewhat proud of it.

I haven't read any replies yet but I will.

I think in his head it sounds like a compliment but what he's managing to tell you is that he's considered all previous exes to be beneath him. This would be a huge red flag for me in three ways: first, he's unlikely to have found a woman who he thinks is his equal if that's the case so this is just a line he's feeding you. Second, if he thinks all his exes were beneath him, he's the problem, not them. Lastly, he's not only speaking ill of his exes, he's comparing you to them.

Fucking run would be my advice.

Yes, this sounds dodgy.

.... he said that he's used to charming people, and I'm impervious. He actually has to be himself .....
Pffff, sure.
I think you know there's something not quite right here, and your own BS detector is going off. That's good.

If you were my friend I'd suggest you enjoy a few dates at most, but don't think long term. Here's someone who really fancies himself and openly admits to faking. Clear trouble ahead.

...When I asked him to elaborate, he said that he's used to charming people, and I'm impervious. He actually has to be himself to keep me interested...

Oh Boy. That's quite a line.

I'm not sure what he's trying to save you from. If it's from yourself then run a mile. Yourself sounds like it's doing fine without help from him.

The 'Yourself' and 'it's' is not meant to be dehumanising, sorry if it comes across like it is.

Oh FFs bugger the MM red flags pissers on your parade.
Do you like him ? Does he like you ? Do you like spending time with him ?

Massive typical mumsnet thinking the worst of men here

..the OP asked...

It could be a telling Freudian slip or it could just be a poor choice of words.

He might have dated women he thought were beneath him, but it's equally possible he meant he's never been out with someone who's the same as him before in terms of personality etc.

Keep your eyes peeled and take note of everything.