Is this a red flag? "I've never been in a relationship with someone who's my equal before."

[JasmineBuckles]

It's a very new relationship. He's been nothing but respectful, lovely and kind so far.

He's said a couple of times that this is a different dynamic than he's used to. He's very alpha, I can tell he would like to be the man who looks after me and 'saves' me from my (rather marvellous, but busy) life.

However, after leaving an abusive relationship three years ago and doing a LOT of work on myself I think I have pretty robust self esteem and a set of healthy boundaries. I'm also very self sufficient and independent. My life is great already, he's a really nice addition.

When I asked him to elaborate, he said that he's used to charming people, and I'm impervious. He actually has to be himself to keep me interested.
But does that mean that he's spent his entire adult life going out with women who he considers beneath him? And not his equal? And is that a red flag?

Another update...

I think he may have unfurled the bunting and is waving it round his head.

Yesterday his best friend let him down over something he'd been looking forward to for weeks. In the morning he thought he was going abroad for the weekend, by lunchtime he found out he was staying at home due to friend's fuck up.

Being a helpful sort, I came round with wine and ingredients, cooked fucking amazing dinner, and generally cheered him up.

He was all, this is amazing, you're amazing, I'm so happy with you.

Then he said,

"I deserve you, you know. You are exactly who I deserve."

I laughed and said, wtf? You're supposed to say the opposite.

He said, yes but I've had such a shit few years (in fairness, his dad was killed, then his brother became disabled, then he had to have major surgery), "you're like my reward for getting through the shit"

The only thing I'm still confused about is that despite him consistently saying words that make him sound like a wanker, his actions are non-wanker.

I had to leave at half five this morning to make an early appointment. He got up at a quarter to and put the coffee on so that when I got out of the shower I had time to sit down for a drink.

He's coming to watch me do my hobby tomorrow. I've already explained it's really shit to watch, and I won't be able to speak to him much. He still wants to come.

He rang to ask if it was ok if he went out with his brother tonight, as it would mean we won't spend the night together til Sunday. I was like this
I would never in a million years ask his permission to do anything. I went to stay with a friend last week, I told him I'd be away from Tuesday til Thursday, that was it. He always defers to what I want/need.

I just have no idea.

I deserve you, you know. You are exactly who I deserve.

Sounds like he's trying to convince himself.

I once had a bf who used to look at me and said 'Lucky me'.

Somehow he managed to make me all about him like everything else.

He didn't last.

I'm more concerned about the general bullshit tbh, as I said previously. This is just the icing on the cake. (Whose main ingredient is bullshit).

Wow!

You made an effing amazing dinner and he made a pot of coffee.

Perhaps you are exactly what he deserves.

I think his actions in context could be just as worrying.
Twats still manage to get into relationships. Have you wondered how? Because some of what they do and say cancel out in their partner's minds other things they do or say that are twattish. I'd be asking myself if that was his true nature or an act. Can he keep it up?

So you, in some way, felt it necessary for you to 'make up' for his 'disappointment' (which was hardly the end of the world)?
This is only a newish relationship and he is not a child. You seem to be giving his emotions a lot of weight - that is a very slippery slope indeed.
As for his deserving you to cook for him, as is so often said on this board - when someone tells you what they are like, believe them.
Finally, the coffee and coming to your hobby seem OTT and, the hobby especially, is creepy and an invasion of your space.
Just my penny's worth.

Hmm. I think this is a man with very deep-rooted beliefs that women are not, actually, human. I think it's possible that he is trying, on some level, to rid himself of these ideas because he has heard plenty of people saying that a partnership of equals is what everyone should aspire to.

Have there been any situations so far where you have been non-compliant? EG anything which has involved him putting himself out, being inconvenienced, being told that he isn't the only priority in your life (perhaps you cancelling a date because you had to work, or disagreeing with him over something).

It's likely that such a situation will make him revert to his default setting, which is that men are human and women are something between a plaything and a pet, so he will make a lot of effort to 'win'.

The less generous interpretation of his comment is that he is one of those men who like to pursue relationships with happy, confident, successful women in order to destroy them.

Does he have a misogynistic background?

from my experiences as a single mother of 3, i reckon men think women are somewhere between cows and donkeys on the list of mammals. I also feel deeply suspicious of every thing you tell us about this man, op.

Do you want him to come and watch your hobby? Or are you tolerating it because 'he's so sweet to want to support you?'

Seems like every time this bloke goes to speak, more and more bullshit comes flooding out.

No matter how wonderful his actions are, it would just wind me up big time! He's coming out with stuff because he "thinks" it sounds intelligent.

Maybe remind him of the adage "Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and to remove all doubt"

Maybe remind him of the adage "Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and to remove all doubt"

Exactly why you should let him talk. And tell you exactly what he is.

I feed my cats every morning before eating my own breakfast. I tell them they're good and lovely and fluffy. I admire and value their independence, and like all cat owners I'll claim they are really the boss. Like hell are they my social equals, though.

ps XH, on the subject of whom I could bore for Britain and frequently have, used to get up early to make me a cup of tea every day for 20 years. He was still a Grade A wanker.

I just have no idea.

I think you do, but it reads like you have not outgrown alpha fever yet.

The other thought that occurred to me (which does also seem to have occurred to you, perhaps subconsciously) is that there's an element of manipulation whereby he's making you responsible for his happiness. He's had such a shit time with this, that and the other disaster (pathos), and now you're in his life making it all better (flattery); how could you possibly add to the shit by leaving him (guilt trip)?

To answer some questions...

I invited him to come and watch, explained it would be quite shit for him, but it's only five minutes from his house so if he was going to come it might as well be today.

I'm always late, sometimes cancel plans at the last minute because work stuff comes up, or sometimes just because I'm tired. He is always fine with it.

The dinner thing, I didn't have plans, he was supposed to be on a plane and instead was sitting in his house. I wanted to see him as I had plans last night and tonight, and apart from ten minutes today I won't see him until tomorrow night. I'd be pretty pissed off if I thought I was going on holiday and it was cancelled on the day, he didn't say that he was, he just texted and said he wasn't going after all. I presumed he'd need cheering up.

I wonder if the "I deserve you" comment was him doing a bit of internal karma-type thinking - e.g. he actually knows you're way out of his league and he doesn't deserve you, but you are something like a payback/reward for all the crap he's been through?

Personally I know karma is a load of old bollocks, but I do know some people genuinely believe there's some form of "good will follow bad" going on.

I find the idea of being someone's "reward" deeply unsettling, and would feel quite uncomfortable with the pressure of having to live up to that.

Totally agree Experienced, but it sounds like the bloke isn't the sharpest tool in the box, maybe he needs to re-evaluate his outlook on the OP and women in general.

I think he really likes you. You sound like no-one he has ever dated. I think that is why he is drawn to you. He seems to be doing most of the running. As you say, you don't need him. He is a great addition. Your indifference to him is the pull but at the same time that makes him feel insecure. Is that a good thing? Well relationships are made up of all sorts. Take it one step at a time and see how it goes. You also seem to like him. I think its a compliment that he is himself with you. You don't accept the bullshit!

Oh and he seems a genuinely nice guy by the sound of it. Sometimes he says stupid things but I dont think that makes him abusive! Tbh, you are going to get lots of people on here who are going to have bad experiences so hardly reflective or balanced. Take it easy, use your own judgment. You are clearly and intelligent person and you are quite right to hold a little back considering what you have been through.

Honestly? I think it's too early to tell which way this one's going to go. The more you keep him on the back foot, the more he's going to work hard to get on your good side - but my concern is that once he's sure of you, it will all go to shit.

I don't like what he's telling you - he's always had to charm people before but with you he's having to be his "real self" - really? I doubt it's his real self, it's just another persona that he thinks fits with what will work for you.

As always - listen when someone tells you who they are. He sounds very self-satisfied, he does obviously like you and think you are "worth" something, and he feels that you are "what he deserves" - so he has massive tickets on himself.

Just keep him on the back foot. While he's a nice addition, keep seeing him if you want to - but the minute the worries outweigh the "nice", dump him.

Of course he's self satisfied.
He's just had his woman come over to cook for him because he was upset he didn't go on holiday. I think you've just shown him how you will bend yourself backwards when he gets disappointed. I'd look out for more things that get him disappointed in the future and see how he reacts if you don't go running to him to make it all better.

I'm not sure how people think someone who says other people are beneath him is a good guy.

Lweji I think the going to cook dinner thing is pretty normal - DH and I would have done similar for each other in those circumstances when we were first dating. I'm not seeing it as the OP prostrating herself at his feet.

OP a lot of what he is saying is coming over strangely, and clearly it is unsettling you because you've posted this thread and have been 'wtf' openly about some of the things he has said.

I used to work a lot with people like him. Successful charmers who spent their professional lives telling people what they wanted to hear.
Without exception they were full of shit when it came to women also, the married ones would have affairs, the unmarried ones would have strings of relationships - often with women they worked with - and it never lasted long before the thrill of winning the 'deal' wore off and they were onto the next woman to chase.

Be very wary.

It's not the going to cook dinner by itself. It's the circumstances, and in context of what he has already said.

he's always had to charm people before but with you he's having to be his "real self" - really?

Well quite, it's just more bullshit.

What he's really saying is that he has to play you differently to how he played previous gfs.

I get the sense he has a kind heart underneath, I think that's why you're confused, but I find all the other nonsense untenable personally.