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Original poster

DP >500k in savings and I have nothing

181 replies

Noemie23 · 20/09/2015 09:05

Apologies if this is not in the right place but I feel like this is taking a toll on my relationship.

I'm 27 weeks pregnant. Just finished my first year of university and not entitled to maternity allowance as I have not been working long enough in the last year. I'm also not entitled to income support or job seekers allowance because my DP has more than 500k in savings.

What should I do?

He hates it when I ask him for money and I hate it too because I don't see his money as my money. I want my own money. I've been trying so hard to find a job in the last 3 months with no luck.

I feel like I should claim income support but claim as single. I'm stuck in the house all day with nothing to do and nowhere to go, I'm going mad.

OP posts:
Mouthfulofquiz · 20/09/2015 09:08

I'd be a bit worried about how little this guy seems to be willing to support the mother of HIS CHILD... Very strange dynamic.

gamerchick · 20/09/2015 09:10

What happens when the baby comes and you need money?

eurochick · 20/09/2015 09:12

He's not your "DP" I is he? He is certainly not acting like your life partner. There must be a background story here.

Aussiemum78 · 20/09/2015 09:12

You should google financial abuse.

PacificDogwod · 20/09/2015 09:12

I am sorry you are having money worries.
I think you and your DP need to have sit down and a talk where you both see this relationship going. There will soon be a child in the mix.
Does he see the three of you as a 'family' or as 'Noemie and her baby' + 'him' i.e. 2 separate units.

If he is committed to you, you should not have to be 'asking for money', he should be wanting to support all three of you.

Serious chat on the horizon IMO.
And yes, get some advice from CAB where you stand on your own.

Original poster
Noemie23 · 20/09/2015 09:13

What happens when the baby comes and you need money?

I'm not sure. I've told him I'll be applying for a student loan to continue my course in February.

OP posts:
HeteronormativeHaybales · 20/09/2015 09:16

You are having a baby together, presumably live together, perhaps own property together (?), but you are both determined that there will be no shared finances?

Can't work IMO. But then dh and I had shared finances from the minute we started living together and I have never understood the 'mine' and 'yours' approach in people who are committed in all sorts of other ways.

It worries me that he 'hates it' when you ask for money. You're pregnant with his child. Does he think supporting that child and enabling you to give it the care it needs is nothing to do with him? My dh would rather have died than see me on nothing while he had 500,000, 50,000 5000, 500 or even 50 in the bank.

Joysmum · 20/09/2015 09:16

You are being financially abused. Please, read up and face the facts Sad

Mouthfulofquiz · 20/09/2015 09:16

You need to have a talk with him asap.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/09/2015 09:16

You're 27 weeks pg and you're trying still to find a job?.

This seems more than just "money worries". He certainly has not got any. I would also read about financial abuse.

What is he like in other areas of your relationship, do you feel respected by him or actually downtrodden?.

What access to funds do you precisely have?. Do you also have to account for every penny spent, does he give you an "allowance"?.

defineme · 20/09/2015 09:16

But the only reason you aren't getting any money is his fault? If you have made a child together and plan to raise it together, and the only reason you can't get any financial support is because the government expect him to support you, then why on earth is he not supporting you? You and your child deserve better than this. Leave him, you're better off financially and emotionally without this man who would see his partner and mother of his child desperate for support and not give it.

patterkiller · 20/09/2015 09:17

How long have you been together? Have you talked about the future and finance? It amazes me that people who have sex together find talking about money so taboo.

Devilishpyjamas · 20/09/2015 09:18

Are you living together?

If he's not willing to support the pregnant mother of his child I can't see this going very well (unless he changes his attitude when the baby turns up).

Who'll be looking after the baby in February?

RJnomaaaaaargh · 20/09/2015 09:20

This is mental.

Have you discussed finances and how you are going to live and pay for living and baby expenses?

Is he much older than you?

Do you live together?

Does he have another family?

What type of dad are you expecting he is going to be to your baby?

MissBattleaxe · 20/09/2015 09:21

Unless he does a complete U Turn you need to seriously consider raising the child alone. If he has a half a million in the bank but is content to see the mother of his child job seeking and without income at 27 weeks, what kind of treatment do you expect when the baby is here?

Does he not realise how hard it is for a noticeably pregnant women to get a job?

c4kedout · 20/09/2015 09:21

if you want to go back to uni in Feb, you will need childcare. who will pay for this?

coffeetasteslikeshit · 20/09/2015 09:22

What did he say when you told him that you're not entitled to any benefits because of his savings?

AsTimeGoesBy · 20/09/2015 09:23

Do you live together? Or any plans to? How do you work out your day to day living expenses? Presumably he works? I do think some pooling of money is needed here, maybe not access to all his savings but a proper budget worked out so you both have enough for your needs. Or if you don't live together a decent amount of child support from him. I know it's hard being financially dependent on someone else and it is admirable that you want to stand on your own two feet, but this baby has two parents and he should be supporting the baby and supporting you while you cannot earn.

PotteringAlong · 20/09/2015 09:23

But it is your money - that's how families work when children are there and people are on mat leave etc, it's family money.

Did you have this conversation before you got pregnant?

QuiteLikely5 · 20/09/2015 09:24

Leave him and claim benefits. On Mo day go straight to your uni financial team, tell them what has happened and I'm certain the will give you help to see you through till you are sorted.

Evil man.

QuiteLikely5 · 20/09/2015 09:25

Oh and if he is on FB please put up a status explaining what sort of 'man' he is. Tell his friends and family.

Original poster
Noemie23 · 20/09/2015 09:26

Yes we live together, he pays the rent.

Is this really financial abuse if I feel bad for needing his money. I feel like I should have been better prepared so I could get maternity allowance.

I'm still looking for a job because i'm in debt at the moment and I need to pay it off as well as earning something so I can leave the house once in a while to do something, shopping, cinema etc.

Been together 6 years.

I'll be taking care of the baby whilst I study from home. That's the plan.

OP posts:
c4kedout · 20/09/2015 09:26

OP, have you looked at temp work? I was once in a similar situation where I had to find work halfway into my pregnancy and found temp work was easy to find. I stopped working just a few days before my due date (not ideal but it was OK).

would also consider raising the child alone if your DP does not make a u- turn with hin attitude to finances.

c4kedout · 20/09/2015 09:29

OP, sorry but I do not think studying and looking after a baby will work.

you really need to sit down and discuss finances and if everything fails, you can hopefully get financial support from him in form of CSA. you will be much better off that way

LumpySpacedPrincess · 20/09/2015 09:29

Love, I mean this gently, why are you with a man who treats you like this?