DP >500k in savings and I have nothing

[Noemie23]

Apologies if this is not in the right place but I feel like this is taking a toll on my relationship.

I'm 27 weeks pregnant. Just finished my first year of university and not entitled to maternity allowance as I have not been working long enough in the last year. I'm also not entitled to income support or job seekers allowance because my DP has more than 500k in savings.

What should I do?

He hates it when I ask him for money and I hate it too because I don't see his money as my money. I want my own money. I've been trying so hard to find a job in the last 3 months with no luck.

I feel like I should claim income support but claim as single. I'm stuck in the house all day with nothing to do and nowhere to go, I'm going mad.

The advice to speak to your University's student support team is an excellent one. You need to work out how you're going to cope on your own as it seems you will get no support of any kind from your "D"P.

"Is this really financial abuse if I feel bad for needing his money".

Yes it is and he has the vast amount of the power and control here in this relationship to boot. You seemingly have no power at all in this relationship.

What is the situation re the property; is the tenancy in joint names or his sole name?.

How old were you when you got together with this individual (is he also a lot older than you as well?)

Taking care of a baby whilst studying from home at the same time may well prove to be nigh on impossible.

*Have you discussed finances and how you are going to live and pay for living and baby expenses?

Is he much older than you?

Do you live together?

Does he have another family?

What type of dad are you expecting he is going to be to your baby?*

We haven't discussed finances, which is partly my fault. I feel uncomfortable talking about money and feeling like I'm taking what's not mine. I felt like this when I claimed job seekers a couple of years ago.

We are the same age, 23.

Live together, no other family.

I do think he will be a good dad to our DD. He's been there for me emotionally and I expect him to help out with taking care of her.

This all shouts out financial abuse if he is controlling all access to funds. Has he said things like, "I’ll take care of all the bills – you don’t need a bank account" or, "I earn enough for both of us, so you don’t need to work now: I’ll look after you".

It depends on how well your baby naps, etc., but I wouldn't bank on being able to study while looking after the baby.

Yes, it does very much sound like financial abuse.

Please get some RL advice.

Family money is the only way to go IMO - not your money and his money, our money.
That does not mean that you both cannot both also have separate accounts (in fact that might be wise), but there needs to be a joint account that you both have equal access to that provides for everything that everybody needs.

He sounds a controlling twat.
Do you have family? Friends? Do they know what worries you have?

After 6 years and a baby in the way, you are renting and he has £500k in the bank. He is not only financially abusive but really stupid with money.

Can I ask where the money came from? Was it savings or an inheritance and how long it has been sitting in the bank?

This is probably not what you want to hear but my ex was like this (and I thought I was happy with things like this as I'd always paid my own way)
When our first child was born he expected me to pay for everything child related (clothes, nappies etc) and half of everything else (bills etc) as we'd done up until then.
I was on maternity pay which was less than £500 a month so ended up using a vast amount of my savings, while he continued to work and amass more savings (we had two more children).
He was tight as arseholes and made me account for every penny I spent (of my own money).
He was financially abusive.
He also became psychologically and physically abusive.
The situation you are in now won't change as he's happy for things to be the way they are even though you're struggling.
You're supposed to be a partnership and having a baby TOGETHER.
He sounds like he's only out for himself.

That's a lot of money for a 23 year old to have.

You've been with him since you were 16?

I can't believe you're together that long and you're in this position.

He has a financial obligation to his child, he has to support the baby in more ways than just 'helping you'. By the way; it's not help, it's parenting.

I thought you were the age as your username name suggested so you met him when you were both 17 (and thus also had no life experience behind you).

What do your parents think of him?.

Re this comment:-
"I do think he will be a good dad to our DD. He's been there for me emotionally and I expect him to help out with taking care of her"

That sounds like a triumph of hope over experience. You already feel "bad" having to ask him for funds and unlike you has no money troubles. If he is prepared to do this to the mother of his child how can you indeed hope he will be a good dad to your DD?. Would you want her to grow up believing that all this should be at all acceptable to her as well?.

How has he been there for you emotionally?

Oh dear. Lovely, you shouldn't be in debt when you've been in a six year relationship with a "man" with that much money.

You need to sit down together, raise the prospect of shared finances and see what he really thinks of you.

I do agree with pp that temp work will be your best bet now.

. He's been there for me emotionally and I expect him to help out with taking care of her.

Doesn't sound like it. He expects the mother of his child to ask him for money when she needs it. It's a from of control, can't you see? You ask him for moeny- he makes a decision and rewards you with a yes or disappoints you with a no after you've explained yourself.

He's not there for you emotionally if he is watching you struggle and worry and doing nothing to help.

After six years, living together, and having a baby together you should have a joint account. You are a family. It all goes in the pot, not one member's pocket.

This makes me so angry! As others have said, my dh would rather starve than see any of us go without. Your 'partner' is controlling and clearly has a lot of issues. You need to talk to him.

Has he inherited this money?

What are his long term plans?

Mental

You are studying, pregnant and in debt and the father of your baby is not planning on either financing (despite having over half a million in savings) his child nor looking after him/her?

I imagine he pays the rent because he lives there.

So you expect the state to pay you benefits but don't expect your partner to support his family which is you, the mother of his expectant child.

You shouldn't have to ask. He should be providing.

This is so extreme that I find it incredible.

I expect him to help out with taking care of her.

You should not expect him to 'help out', fully expect him to share in all childrearing responsibilities.
This is not your baby alone; it is just as much his.

Looking after a baby is hard work, draining, all encompassing and never stops. You may have a contented little thing that settles easier, or you may not. They are babies only for a very short period of time, then are awake more, become mobile and want to be entertained and need to be supervised all the time.
Don't expect to be able to study - you might, but equally you might not and I'd plan for that possibility.

Yes, when you are at home and your P is at work, you will provide the childcare, but when he comes home he does not 'help out', he does his fair share.

You are both young and frankly, there's nothing anybody here can say that will properly prepare you for the impact a baby will have on your lives.
But you need to be a strong team, both on board and mutually supportive in every respect, including finances.

Talking to him may well prove to be a wasted effort; I would make plans for your own life now going forward without him in it. He is unlikely now to step up.

Oh dear op. This does not bode well for the future. He sounds like a tight bastard and can you look ve the rest of your life married to a tight arse. Sounds like it would be a miserable existence. I cannot belive you are being treated like this by your life partner and father to your unborn child. It actually makes me feel angry.

This is financial abuse and he sounds very cold and calculating.

Things I think you should think about are : is he kind and caring? Was this baby planned - how does he feel about being a father? How does he view your future as a couple and family? What is his attitude to money generally? Why is he still renting when he has ample for a deposit/cash purchase? How has he built up the savings - from earnings, an inheritance or elsewhere.

I think you should carefully consider your options - once you have the baby, you will be much more vulnerable. It would be better to make plans now that don't include living together. It is possible(if hard) to finish uni as a single parent.

*live not look ve

Once you're living with a partner and babies come along, you're making a family that will either be the 3 of you or mum+baby with dad living separately. Noemie, it sounds like your 'DP' doesn't see himself as attached to you. Maybe once you talk with him, I'll be proved wrong. Hopefully the responses on here are giving you a sense of perspective that you are worth so much more care and support than what you're getting at the moment. You're going to be a mother, you're not able to earn money independently because of your studies and your partner seems to be standing to one side and watching you struggle?! No way! Put aside your discomfort about needing someone else's money. Your baby and you need support. End of. A frank discussion with him about his intentions first. And if that doesn't end positively,reach out for support elsewhere eg uni, benefits, family. If you were my daughter, I'd be going round to yours to have it out with him right now!!

OP I'm sorry to piss on your bonfire, and I totally understand why you would like to work right now. But the odds of you being able to find a job at 27 weeks pregnant are basically zero. Realistically, you are not going to be able to support yourself for the rest of the pregnancy, and for at least a few weeks after the birth as you recover. So someone else is going to have to do it for you. It's either going to have to be your partner, or you're going to have to leave him and claim benefits. And then maintenance once the child is born. You have GOT to discuss this. You need a better plan than continuing to look for a job which is, in reality, not going to arrive while you're still pregnant. That's just burying your head in the sand, really. Morally it should be him, but frankly he sounds awful. Also, he won't be 'helping out' with the baby. If it's his child, it's not helping. It's just doing what he's supposed to do.

Wtf? Presume the money is an inheritance. Why does he want to live in rented when he has vast sums doing nothing? After six years you can't ask him this?

That's a lot of money for a 23 year old to have
I'll say!
OP, you have to box clever here and look after number one.
Thats you, not him!