DP >500k in savings and I have nothing

[Noemie23]

Apologies if this is not in the right place but I feel like this is taking a toll on my relationship.

I'm 27 weeks pregnant. Just finished my first year of university and not entitled to maternity allowance as I have not been working long enough in the last year. I'm also not entitled to income support or job seekers allowance because my DP has more than 500k in savings.

What should I do?

He hates it when I ask him for money and I hate it too because I don't see his money as my money. I want my own money. I've been trying so hard to find a job in the last 3 months with no luck.

I feel like I should claim income support but claim as single. I'm stuck in the house all day with nothing to do and nowhere to go, I'm going mad.

How can you plan to have a baby together without discussing the details? It sheer madness.

From the other side of the coin, if this was the son of a MN with those savings and a girlfriend came along with no job and got pregnant most would be taking steps to ensure their son was protected.

You need to talk and plan for what will happen when the baby is here with regards to both of you. He may not be happy to be the main earner and will expect you to help. He's been paying the rent anyway so presumably not that tight or you would be splitting it.

Maybe I'm in the minority but it sounds less like financial abuse and more like two immature young people who just don't communicate about the reality of living together let alone becoming parents together.

And study at home with a baby? Really? What about lectures, seminars, library time? You sound incredibly naive. I think you both need to sit down, start taking and seek advice and support.

OK, you REALLY need to understand that you will NEED his financial support. And it is NORMAL for him to support you because it's NORMAL for him to support the mother of his child. That's why you can't claim anything because of his savings. Even the state is expecting HIM to support you.

What is NOT normal is for you to live with him for 6 years (so a well established relationship) with fully separate finances. For you to be with so little money that you can't go out of the house.

I agree with other posters. You need to read about financial abuse AND read more about what a partnership (which I assume you are in if you have a child together) actually means.

One last word. Why on earth are you worried that you haven't prepared enough for a baby? What about the FATHER of the baby? Has he prepared himself enough? has he though about how he would look after that baby? How you would be able to live (ie if you are on maternity leave and don't work, you clearly will have no money. How is HE planning to ensure you can eat everyday?).
When you got pregnant, HE took a life changing decision too and is as responsible for your wellbeing as you are. That means, in that case, that he HAS to financially, emotionally and practically support you.

Sorry there are a lot of messages, im trying my best to respond to them.

What is the situation re the property; is the tenancy in joint names or his sole name?

His name is on the tenancy agreement.

Do you have family? Friends? Do they know what worries you have?

I don't want to worry anyone.

Can I ask where the money came from? Was it savings or an inheritance and how long it has been sitting in the bank?

Money he inherited 4 years ago. He comes from a family of a known business on another continent.

What do your parents think of him?

He's met my mum a couple of times, we don't get on but she seems to like him. NC with my dad, my decision.

you should have a joint account

Really? Maybe he's worried I won't look after the money. Maybe he thinks i'm using him for his money. I don't want it to seem like that.

Yes, the situation may well have arisen out of naivety and lack of communication, but the fact remains that the OP is incredibly vulnerable and her P holds the purse strings.

Yes, he may well want to protect his savings, but he should still support his family.

Have you ever spoken about getting married? You position would be so much more protected in law then, OP.

Oh, Noemie, you are very isolated by the sounds of it.
Tbh that is another warning sign for a relationship in which the power balance is very unfairly tilted toward one side, often the man's.

Please speak to somebody in RL.
If I was your friend/mother I'd want to know.
You are in an untenable situation as it is.

Another idea that came to my mind. Was this baby planned?

If it wasn't, then I can see why you think you are unprepared. But you need to realise that HE is unpreapred too.

And now that he is becoming a father, he also has gained a financial and practical responsibility. At the very least towards the child but also towards you (assuming oyu are planning to still be together). He is as responsible as you are for the pregnancy and it is certainly not right that you end up in a worse financial position by being with him because he doesn't want to pay.

You'll have to learn to be assertive and talk about unpalatable subjects. Because there will be a lot of them once the baby is there.

He's been there for me emotionally and I expect him to help out with taking care of her

Help out!?! He is just as responsible for your baby as you are. Financially. Emotionally. Everything. There is no "help out", it should be fifty fifty on every level.
You need to stop tip toeing around talking to him and have it out with him, whilst you still have time to get a place on your own before the baby arrives.

You will be a family, not flatmates squabbling over who bought the last pint of milk.

OP is your name on the tenancy too?

He's in denial about what having a baby means. I yield to no-one in my insistence on adults having separate financial affairs, but this is ridiculous. You need to:
A) make him marry you.
Or
B) make him buy a house for you all to live in.
Or
C) leave him and seek maintenance.

If you do nothing else, you need to have a grown up conversation about you see the relationship going forward in all respects. Having a baby is a fairly grown up thing to do and £500k is a very grown up amount of money - he needs to realise that whether you ultimately benefit from it or not, his child certainly will whether he likes it or not.

He is probably not the sort who wants to get married (to the OP). He is only thinking of his own self interest here.

The tenancy is therefore in his sole name?. You are very much vulnerable now.

Please start talking to people, you need support and from those in your real life circle as well. No point in martyring yourself by saying that you do not want to bother anyone; soon there will be a baby to think about as well.

I am sorry Noemie that your parents did not show you a better example of a relationship. Meeting this person at 17 was perhaps at the time an ideal way out from life at home. The fact too that you and your mum do not get on but she seems to like him is also worrying as well.

*you should have a joint account

Really? Maybe he's worried I won't look after the money. Maybe he thinks i'm using him for his money. I don't want it to seem like that.*

Who has made you think that him supporting you when you are opregnant/have HIS baby is using him for his money? He has never been hinting that has he? I really hope not.
Having a joint account is a very normal thing to do when you are in partnership. It's also a very normal thing to do when you have a child together. Having a child together changes everything and you just can NOT carry on living with total separate lives/finances.
I'll say it again, the state is expecting him to support you. Because it is NORMAL for that to happen.

And yes agree too about getting married for your own protection now that you have a child.

And study at home with a baby? Really? What about lectures, seminars, library time?

Distance learning.

Have you ever spoken about getting married?

Yes, I asked him when I got pregnant. He said we don't need to be married, he's against marriage and what it stands for. I can just change my surname to his by deed poll. Which is not what I want to do. I do believe he's trying to protect his finances.

OP is your name on the tenancy too?

No just his.

How were you coping financially before you got pregnant? What was the set up between you and him?

What do you have to pay for?

Was this a planned pregnancy?

Apart from his inheritance what is his income and how is he paying for everything?

If OP is living with a 23 year old who is also studying and covering all their costs and living expenses then I don't think he is necessarily abusive.

You need a sit down and proper talk before the baby comes of what is going to happen. Explain where you are coming from and what you think will happen.

Only then will you know where you really stand.

Distance learning is not the same though. You will simply become even more isolated if you are not in the outside world.

Re this comment:-

"Yes, I asked him when I got pregnant. He said we don't need to be married, he's against marriage and what it stands for. I can just change my surname to his by deed poll. Which is not what I want to do. I do believe he's trying to protect his finances".

Did you ever talk about marriage before you became pregnant?.

There are so many red flags here I am losing count. Did he suggest that you can change your surname to his by deed poll?!!. You will still have no legal protection whatsoever. He could all too easily now boot both you and your child onto the street.

It's not financial abuse, it's fine to live with someone and not share finances - of course it can work like that. Not everyone shares their money and regards money as family money. You are not entitled to his money just because you have been together 6 yrs and are having a baby together.

you should both be working to support the baby - just because he has money doesn't mean he should bear the cost of it all nor should he bear the cost of your living expenses.

Why don't you sit down with him and tell him you both need to work out as a family how much you all need to spend a month. So you need a joint account set up now as a priority

Work out together what you roughly spend on:

Bills/ rent = approx £
Food = approx £
Going out/ clothing = £
Extra £ for baby per month

Then get that much plus some spare transferred every month into joint account.

Plus I would get a private account for you with him transferring x amount each month also for you do do whatever with. So you don't need to always ask

He sounds unprepared for fatherhood so you need to be prepared for going it alone. Was he thrilled when you announced you were pregnant?

You have one bargaining chip at the moment- you get to name the baby as you aren't married. If you want to be married then don't give the baby his name without getting married.

It doesn't sound like this relationship is going to last long given how he treats you, so there is another reason why you shouldn't change your name to his by deed poll or give the baby his surname.

I agree that if this is genuine, it isn't financial abuse. It's two very young and unprepared people being faced with adult life and not knowing where to start.

*How were you coping financially before you got pregnant? What was the set up between you and him?

What do you have to pay for?

Was this a planned pregnancy?

Apart from his inheritance what is his income and how is he paying for everything?*

Student loan. I paid half rent, bills and food.

Unplanned.

He works part time but makes roughly 150-200 per week.

Peggy if he doesn't want to share finances then he should not have had sex with no protection.

Of COURSE having a baby as a couple means that money is shared!

That's not to say OP has a right to spend his inheritance but she DOES have a right to be supported whilst pregnant and after birth!

Women can't generally work immediately after having a child!! That's why the Father of their child supports them!

I would agree that there should in any case be a joint account but I reckon he will come up with some spurious argument to disagree with that course of action. He may likely use her own debt level against her in that respect.

Also if there was a joint account in place anyway a separate account would not be needed.