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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

He's not a bastard but he's behaved like he is. Confused.

875 replies

ComeDownToMe · 12/09/2015 12:55

DP and I have been together nearly 2 years. We live together and it's great. We get on fantastically, he's witty, engaging, kind, supportive. The sex is amazing and we enjoy each other's company.

It started out as a casual relationship and I had a lot stronger feelings for him than he did me. But we ended up spending a lot more time together and grew a lot closer and our relationship turned serious.

The thing is one of my closest friends recently discovered her DH (now STBXH) was cheating on her and I've seen at first hand how broken she has been. Her ex has been an utter cunt and makes my blood boil.

My DP cheated on his then wife and she slung him out so I know everything I've said about my friend's ex I could equally say about my DP. I didn't feel good about this before but it's even worse now.

Can men really compartmentalise to such a degree they don't think about how much hurt they would cause someone they love.

I will probably be criticised for this and rightly so but I wasn't particularly judgemental on men having affairs before as long as no one got hurt. Now I've seen the hurt it feels a bit different.

I don't think of my DP as a bastard but he's done a lot worse than my friend's ex and I've called my friend's ex every name under the fucking sun.

How do I resolve this in my own mind.

OP posts:
19thBitchFromHell · 08/02/2016 22:26

Come I fear you will be forever banging your head off the first wife brick wall. At least you worry about your relationship with DP's family.

SoThatHappened · 08/02/2016 22:36

I think the OP will get this idiot all to herself now though.

He has cheated for years, he got stuck with the OP when his wife chucked him and now he is pushing 60. At that age, his player days are over and who is going to have him?

By marrying the OP, well he has to get it while he can, who else will have him?

Christinayangstwistedsista · 08/02/2016 22:42

What a prize

Bogeyface · 09/02/2016 00:32

I would like to add to what I said about "your life with this man"

SoThat made me think about it what is happening to my aunt.

Her husband, my uncle, is a lying cheating abusive arsehole. He left a couple of times but came back. She never chucked him out and has just acknowledged (but not celebrated) 50 years of marriage to him.

He is now in his dotage and he is more likely to piss himself than get laid with one of the young ladies he always managed to pull before. Does that mean that he has now settled into old age with my aunt? Does that mean that he has finally come to appreciate all that she sacrificed? Does that mean that he now, finally, loves her?

No.

She has always "made an effort" in an attempt to keep him at home with her, kept herself slim and pretty, even now in her 70's. Kept house and the kids whilst working full time. The whole 1950's nine yards. I dont judge her for that, when he first left her, 40 years ago, a young divorced woman with 2 children would have been judged even more than she is now, marriage to an asshole was better than being a single mother. So she did her best to keep her marriage together. But it didnt matter what effort she made, he was a player.

So now he is old, impotent and couldnt pull a rotten tooth out of a dead horses head and HE BLAMES HER.

Of course in reality we know that he hates her, he hates all women but moreover, he hates himself. Hates himself for being sad selfish inadequate. But being the "man" he is, it couldnt possibly be his fault so he falls back on his old whipping boy for all the wrongs in his life, his loyal, loving wife. And oh yes, he did tell them how terrible his marriage was, how unhappy he was, and still stayed for 50 years, because pricks like him always need the next fuck lined up before they leave. You are that "next fuck" ladies. Not because you were special, but because you were the only fucking idiots desperate enough to have them. You are a commodity, thats all. A Thing.

I hope that you do stay with your "prizes" ladies, I really hope you do. Because that means that you will suffer the life my poor aunt is living when your dream men suddenly cant pull anymore and have no choice but to stay with you, and that will be the ultimate fucking karma. YOu wanted him? Well you got him. Good luck with that.

I just wish that one of the many OW my uncle had, had been just as stupid as you are, and taken him on for good. Then my beautiful aunt would not be stuck with the cunt until he draws his last breath, something I would cheerfully help him with if I was given half a chance.

Baconyum · 09/02/2016 01:29

"Oh dear. You really do believe it dont you? That you and your "effort" have won the prize. You silly woman." Exactly! Utterly pathetic narrow minded delusions!

Both bitchfromhell and come will get what they deserve. Karma exists I've seen it, most appropriately for this thread in my ex and his 2nd wife. Who when I asked someone to describe her to me as I was needing to meet her for the first time I was told 'she's you just 15 years younger!' And it was true.

She's so paranoid she goes to ww if her size 10 clothes start to feel a little tight. Every time he has yet another affair she gets pregnant in a desperate attempt to keep him, he's then faithful for a short while. She insists on full access to his communications and he's banned from social networks as that's how he 'met' 2 of the ow. His last affair has resulted in him losing the job he's had for 25 years and no prospect for another as he won't get a reference! So 2nd wife is slim pretty attentive panders to his every whim - and he still cheats! Including chasing me the day before their wedding!

I wouldn't be in either of you ladies' positions for all the money in the world!

ComeDownToMe · 09/02/2016 09:39

Quickly will answer properly later. Posts from Jones Offred who are trying to help me avoid making a big mistake I do thank you for your concern. I am sincerely happy and I love being with him. He is not like you suggest. I have no pressure to behave in a certain way and be the perfect wife. I am just me and he loves me for it. I do not recognise the man you describe the man you describe is nowt like my fiance.

OP posts:
SoThatHappened · 09/02/2016 10:46

I bet his ex wife thought that too.

eloquent · 09/02/2016 11:04

come he will get bored of you too.

Like i said, people don't repeat mistakes. This guy doesn't see what he did as a mistake. He went on to do it again... and again.

JonesTheSteam · 09/02/2016 12:18

I do not recognise the man you describe the man you describe is nowt like my fiance.

This man has admitted to cheating repeatedly on his wife, not just with you but with lots of other women and has told you himself that it was ok to do that because he was getting enough attention / sex / whatever.

It isn't just a case of one mistake as eloquent said. He gave himself permission time and time again to act in a wholly selfish manner.

He has admitted this to you. You know from first hand experience that he cheated as you were the OW.

How can you possibly say you don't recognise this man as your fiancé!??? You've heard it from the horse's mouth.

Offred · 09/02/2016 12:42

If you really don't recognise him in the descriptions you at least recognise that there is a risk that that is him and you aren't recognising it because you've posted, yes?

RubbishMantra · 09/02/2016 13:53

Are you sticking your fingers in your ears and singing "lalala" very loudly, OP?

JonesTheSteam · 09/02/2016 16:51

I am just me and he loves me for it.

Can I just ask if you are naive enough to think that he didn't feel that way about his wife when he married her?

Actually, I have a load of questions.

How long were they married before he had his first affair?

If he was unhappy, did he talk to her?

Why after the first affair, did he stay with her if he was so miserable?

Was she happy, or did she suspect him of cheating?

Has he ever apologised to her for cheating and distancing himself for the marriage rather than making an effort to improve their relationship?

Was marriage counselling ever suggested by either of them?

How does he feel about counselling? Have you ever asked him?

Would he be willing to go for counselling to work out why he was a serial cheat and a liar, rather than just blaming his ex wife and their relationship?

If you asked him to go to counselling to address why he cheated multiple times would he do it? What if you told him you couldn't marry him unless he did so?

Is he capable of putting up 'boundaries' to ensure he wouldn't cheat again? Would he even know how to do that?

These are questions I'd be asking him / yourself.

I suspect he'd far rather brush everything under the carpet, as I doubt he's even capable of admitting he's a bastard. It's much harder for him to face up to the fact he's been a bastard, and we already know he's a coward. Otherwise he'd have left years ago, or when he met you, rather than waited for his wife to do the job of kicking him out.

ComeDownToMe · 09/02/2016 20:12

Jones my fiance never said it were ok to cheat on his ex. More explaining why he did cheat on her I kinda understand why he did but it was wrong he knows it too.

The type of bloke many posters paint my fiance as I would not go near. You are wrong he is nowt like it.

Jones quickly your questions -

He must have felt the same bout his wife to have married her. Their relationship changed they grew apart not greatly suited other than as parents.

Long enough for their marriage to have got stale and lacking in excitement before he cheated.

She knew there were issues in their marriage. Lot of it is their business.

He had responsibilities and he had made commitments hardly responsible to walk out.

She did not suspect a thing.

He has said sorry to her for cheating. He admits he could have done more but I gather she could too.

No counselling. I have not asked him and I fail to see the point. He accepts responsibility for cheating on his ex. People differ in relationships.

No I would never give him an ultimatum like you suggest. I kinda think it is a waste of time to give ultimatums. Down to the person to choose their own way.

I have my own boundaries. People make their own my fiance is no different. He has put boundaries up of his own accord. I trust him rightly or wrongly.

OP posts:
Offred · 09/02/2016 20:21

Ok but the point you are spectacularly missing is that he hasn't actually reflected on or changed himself if he, and you, think that cheating is explained by a marriage going 'stale' after children.

That happens to almost everyone. It is a normal part of life. The right thing to do is to choose either to work on it or leave the relationship and support your children.

Leaving your wife does not change the fact you are a parent.

People who choose to react to a stale period after DC are born by cheating need to reflect on why they chose to cheat in response. His 'walking out on the kids would have been unfair' excuse is not valid.

JonesTheSteam · 09/02/2016 20:28

he had made commitments

Really. What, like marriage vows?

Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Just put your fingers back in your ears and your head in the sand. Carry on.... Grin

Christinayangstwistedsista · 09/02/2016 20:30

Hmmm, this is all his side of the story I presume, how very surprising

Gabilan · 10/02/2016 20:19

OP to answer your original question, your DP is a bastard who happens to be charming when he wants to be. No-one is entirely good or bad - and those are subjective categories anyway. His marrying you will not change this. He's still selfish, it's just that charming you and marrying you meet his selfish requirements. Pretty much anyone can appear decent if they're getting their own way, and he's currently getting his own way.

He's approaching retirement and his wife's thrown him out. You're a good bet. You're younger and you've proven time and again that you'll fall for adulterers' lines. So you'll look after him as he gets old and you'll provide creature comforts. He's still a bastard, it just so happens that you haven't been on the receiving end of that side yet.

Serial cheat meets serial OW whose instincts are off. He'll be happy. As for you, it depends on whether you listen to that voice that's saying he is a bastard, he's just good at hiding it when he wants to.

IamtheRealMrsEamonnHolmes2 · 10/02/2016 20:40

So has the OP "resolved it in her mind " ?

SoThatHappened · 10/02/2016 20:44

Long enough for their marriage to have got stale and lacking in excitement before he cheated.

So he should have worked on it, or left.

She did not suspect a thing.

So he is GOOD LIAR THEN!!!!! How do you know he's been honest with you, if he could so easily lie to his wife's face?

God you disgust me OP. Are you really that hard up? To think that your life is worth nothing more than a old cheating fucker, pushing 60. Cant you do better? he's settled for you as his wife chucked him and his well has run dry. But you presumably could find someone else?

You know what you deserve all you get and the hell with it all.

tingon · 10/02/2016 21:18

If I remember correctly this will be the OP's first marriage, though sadly not her first married man, so no, she obviously couldn't do better.

Gabilan · 11/02/2016 07:07

We can all do better, so long as you're aware that staying single is better than a shit relationship with an adulterer.

SoThatHappened · 11/02/2016 09:41

Yes. I was concerned that the OP would wake up in 10 years time with a 70 year old man, thinking christ I wasted my life waiting for this man to leave his wife, now I'm stuck with an old man and I'm too old to have children and all these years, I could have had a normal relationship with an honest and good man, had I only gone out and looked and forgotten him.

But you know what....bring it on. Let her have that wasted life. She doesnt care.

ComeDownToMe · 11/02/2016 15:44

Gabilan I do not see him as a bastard. He is not a bad man but he behaved very selfishly. He never meant to cause hurt.

Eamonn yeah mainly. PP said equally my thread could have been 'I'm not a bitch etc" good point made methinks. I am not a bitch but yeah I have behaved like one. Not just my view BTW but people who know me and like me.

OP posts:
ComeDownToMe · 11/02/2016 15:57

So I ain't hard up as my life is great. You all think cos he had cheated and is older than me I need to be desperate to be marrying him. You are wrong. I am not settling nor is he. We love each other have a great relationship and he sincerely makes me so happy. He is great to me and treats me well. Yeah I could find somebody else but why would I want to. Somebody else would not make me happier. I ain't wasting my life being with him. I want him and I am with an honest and good man.

Gabilan I do agree. I would choose to be single than in a shit relationship but I ain't in a shit relationship. I would leave if it was shit.

OP posts:
19thBitchFromHell · 11/02/2016 16:07

Trying to not say anything here but why can't you just give the girl a break ?