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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He's not a bastard but he's behaved like he is. Confused.

875 replies

ComeDownToMe · 12/09/2015 12:55

DP and I have been together nearly 2 years. We live together and it's great. We get on fantastically, he's witty, engaging, kind, supportive. The sex is amazing and we enjoy each other's company.

It started out as a casual relationship and I had a lot stronger feelings for him than he did me. But we ended up spending a lot more time together and grew a lot closer and our relationship turned serious.

The thing is one of my closest friends recently discovered her DH (now STBXH) was cheating on her and I've seen at first hand how broken she has been. Her ex has been an utter cunt and makes my blood boil.

My DP cheated on his then wife and she slung him out so I know everything I've said about my friend's ex I could equally say about my DP. I didn't feel good about this before but it's even worse now.

Can men really compartmentalise to such a degree they don't think about how much hurt they would cause someone they love.

I will probably be criticised for this and rightly so but I wasn't particularly judgemental on men having affairs before as long as no one got hurt. Now I've seen the hurt it feels a bit different.

I don't think of my DP as a bastard but he's done a lot worse than my friend's ex and I've called my friend's ex every name under the fucking sun.

How do I resolve this in my own mind.

OP posts:
SoThatHappened · 08/02/2016 14:10

If they dont get what they want from their wife then they should leave. Not cheat for years on end.

DialMforMildred · 08/02/2016 14:10

Sometimes I wish MN had a big wooden spoon emoticon.

SoThatHappened · 08/02/2016 14:12

Oh and interesting first & only post 19thBitchFromHell.

Or should we call you comedown?

God name changing to fake defend yourself....what next?

19thBitchFromHell · 08/02/2016 14:34

Actually, I'm completely new to MN SoThat and had been wary of posting. I have my own ex and have 2 kids. Sorry to disappoint you. But I am with someone now who's been recently separated. Sometimes OW just aren't as bad as you'd like to believe. My DP just thinks his stbx should get on with her life. I'm not saying what happens is nice or fair.... But shit happens.
My DP and I met a few years back in work and to be honest, he's got more in common with me. People change and move on. I wish ComeDown could just get a break. SoThat my DP tried to leave for months but he felt guilty for leaving his DD behind. We've got her now, so even she is happy for us. I just like to say it as I see it.
You lot don't scare me Grin

tingon · 08/02/2016 14:38

"We've" got her now" how nice.

The thread that keeps on giving.

SoThatHappened · 08/02/2016 14:46

Why would strangers on an internet scare you?

Confused

What's more scary is you needing validation from strangers. Jesus you need professional help.

19thBitchFromHell · 08/02/2016 14:49

tingon My DP's DD was really suffering at home and to be honest, although I felt bad at the start, I can see how close she is to DP. My 2 really see her as their big sis now and she'll be happier here. She's got more independence here and gets to do so much more with us as a family. Plus my DC get to see my ex plenty, so she sees that's healthy. I just wish that ComeDown would stop looking for you all to validate her. She doesn't need that but it's maybe because she's not a Mum, like us ... I think that's why she feels a bit guilty.

IamtheRealMrsEamonnHolmes2 · 08/02/2016 14:53

Uh oh partners in crime...is that how you see yourself - bitchfromhell - nice Shock

IamtheRealMrsEamonnHolmes2 · 08/02/2016 14:55

Bitchfromhell don't tell me - your guy is also an older bloke ? It's actually hard to believe you are a mother talking like this .....

tingon · 08/02/2016 14:56

"she's not a mum, like us....."

This thread is a candidate for classics.

Offred · 08/02/2016 15:04

A little bit close to home for you this thread bitch?

People are responding primarily out of concern for the op and the people being chewed up in the wake of this relationship.

Anyone who swallows 'my wife didn't understand me like you do' and 'I cheated because I was worried about the kids' is a fool IMO.

SoThatHappened · 08/02/2016 15:49

Does anyone else see the irony in the user name bitch from hell?

At least she knows......

19thBitchFromHell · 08/02/2016 15:52

Offred look, I don't mean to come across harshly. I actually was in a marriage that wasn't working. My ex was also in the same job as me, he was a nice bloke and did well for himself. Lots of women were interested in him, as he's really good looking, but it just wasn't working for me. I met my DP and we just hit it off. For ages we were just friends. We both tried not to start anything until he left his wife, but sometimes you just can't stop yourself. That doesn't make me a bad mother, by the way Iam! I'm a very good Mum. I let my DC go to my ex more than most other women do. I take DP's 16 yr old out all the time. She likes me and sees me as a breath of fresh air away from her miserable Mum. So if she's happy then I must be doing something right. I have a good job, don't ask ex for much, DP is battling to try and be fair in divorce, but she is just more concerned with money than her DD. She doesn't even work so yet another benefit scrounger. Why doesn't she just get a life and find a job.
And yes he's older than me but still in his early 40's, though can't see what that's got to do with anything. All I meant was that perhaps ComeDown was actually genuinely looking for advice on how to deal with things because she wasn't a Mum and didn't quite get the whole dynamics. You know sometimes the DW really is just not what he wants anymore. And I can't help it if I am.

Offred · 08/02/2016 16:04

You can help starting an affair...

Of course you can...

This is simple star crossed lovers affair justification logic. This is why affairs like this rarely work out because when things settle down into normal boring life people tend to realise that it wasn't the person it was the newness and their life is just full of the same shit just with a different person.

All the triumphing over the boring ex doesn't last very long because more often than not the ex wasn't boring it was just that the cheater was lazy, inadequate and selfish. In short the problem was with them and they took it with them when the first relationship broke up.

The affair is not so much an indication of how good a person or how good a parent someone is, it's more how things are handled - being smug and nasty about your partner's ex and involving her child in that behaviour is spectacularly bad step parenting btw...

Just think about why you are so keen to do that? I'm pretty confident the motivation could only be maintaining this affair narrative of 'we only cheated because they were boring and we are so special together'...

As others have said, if you are happy you don't generally feel the need to prove it to others...

IamtheRealMrsEamonnHolmes2 · 08/02/2016 17:06

Will you be having a lovely wedding like come - do you think it is possible to trust someone who has cheated on their wife ?Bitchfromhell

SoThatHappened · 08/02/2016 17:08

All the triumphing over the boring ex doesn't last very long because more often than not the ex wasn't boring it was just that the cheater was lazy, inadequate and selfish. In short the problem was with them and they took it with them when the first relationship broke up.

I am beginning to love your posts offred. That is so true. People rarely change and they just take their inadequacies to another relationship and blame a new partner.

tingon · 08/02/2016 17:29

So here we have another 16 Year old girl who is getting on well with the OW.

Curiouser and curiouser.

19thBitchFromHell · 08/02/2016 17:35

Offred the thing is, it's done now and can't be taken back, so we are not going to waste any more time worrying what others think. Neither should Come ! You sound slightly jealous that love still exists ... Even if it's not found in the typical way. And he's not boring at all ! He's now got a second chance at life, nothing is risk free. So I had an affair, I had one before but that's because my ex didn't give me what I needed. I understand how my DP feels and we've found each other. He's not boring in any way at all and if anything, he's a new man ! Taking care of himself, going to the gym for me and taking me out to nice restaurants. His ex didn't make an effort. Not that I'm saying I'm wonderful but I'm a hell of a lot thinner and better looking than her. I make an effort for him. That's why so many of you fail, you stop trying ! I can't help it if he likes what he sees.
And yes Iam, we hope to get engaged once he sorts his divorce out. They didn't even marry in a church so looks like I'll get to choose another stunning dress. I suppose that's why this thread caught my attention. ComeDown is in the same position as me. I think she'd love to have a really big wedding but she's kindly thinking of her DP and actually not wanting to rub it in the face of the ex. If I were her and it's her first marriage I'd have the wedding I want, not the wedding everyone else thinks she should have.
Don't worry though it'll be another year before we can marry, so I won't bore you all with the details. I hope Come you don't mind me giving my opinion but I think you need to stand up for yourself.

SoThatHappened · 08/02/2016 17:42

So I had an affair, I had one before but that's because my ex didn't give me what I needed. I understand how my DP feels and we've found each other.

But see that speaks volumes about your character. Your ex didnt give you what you needed...fine.

So why didnt you just leave him rather than fucking someone else and lying to him? I just dont understand why anyone thinks this behaviour is acceptable and justifiable.

Relationships end all the time. That's life. But why not just end and move on rather than cause someone else pain?

Offred · 08/02/2016 17:55

Look, it's patently clear that you don't think about it in the way that many other people do and that no-one can really change your mind at the moment...

Just be advised that ATM you are thinner than his ex ATM he is going to the gym, but a successful monogamous relationship takes more than these trivial things. It takes respect and commitment and whilst that doesn't always mean staying with a partner it does always mean treating them with respect and often it means sharing more with them than excitement or trivial and transient sexual attraction based on physical attraction.

It's a mistake to assume people are jealous of your 'love' when they are offering warnings of future trouble marked by your choices now.

People are concerned about the children in this too.

You will not do your step daughter any favours at all by alienating her from her mother or by teaching her your particular mode for relationships..:

Offred · 08/02/2016 17:56

*model

Offred · 08/02/2016 17:57

What you are doing is risking people's lives (yours, your DP's and all the children's) on your 'love'...

That is NEVER wise.

Offred · 08/02/2016 18:01

But I'm sure you will write it all off as 'haters' who are bitter and twisted, boring and fat ex wives who couldn't compare to you and are jealous of your great romance...

It's fine, you'll think what you like but many people will feel like there is a moral obligation to warn you whether you listen or not - for your sake as much as anything.

This is not the way to end up happy.

Offred · 08/02/2016 18:04

IF you do find happiness with this partner and it lasts and deepens from the fairly trivial place it seems to be in now I think everyone would be happy but this is not a good foundation for that.

You also won't ever be able to take back the hurt you'll heap on others during this time. I'd urge you to really think about whether your big wedding with great declarations of love is worth, on balance, the harm it will cause to the children of both of your marriages.

Bogeyface · 08/02/2016 18:07

His ex didn't make an effort. Not that I'm saying I'm wonderful but I'm a hell of a lot thinner and better looking than her. I make an effort for him. That's why so many of you fail, you stop trying!

Oh dear. You really do believe it dont you? That you and your "effort" have won the prize. You silly woman.

You see the rest of us see it that his wife had a lucky escape from a man who is so shallow that he would walk away from his wife and family simply for a pretty face and perkier boobs.

Do you know what your life with this man will be like long term? It will be scrutinising your face for any line or wrinkle. Spending a fortune in the hairdressers to cover the grey. Obsessing over every pound on the scales. Saving up your spending money for botox, fillers etc. Saying yes to sex you dont really want so he doesnt go and find it elsewhere.......

And every time he is a bit distant, or isnt back the minute he says he will, whenever he seems over connected to his phone or talks about someone at work you will wonder.....is it today? Is it my turn now?

You can talk the talk all you like but you are not convincing anyone. You know, deep down, that he cannot be trusted, just as he knows that of you. Your relationship will not work, not truly, because neither of you can trust the other and where there is no trust there is no relationship, just 2 people living in the same house and having sex.