He's not a bastard but he's behaved like he is. Confused.

[ComeDownToMe]

DP and I have been together nearly 2 years. We live together and it's great. We get on fantastically, he's witty, engaging, kind, supportive. The sex is amazing and we enjoy each other's company.

It started out as a casual relationship and I had a lot stronger feelings for him than he did me. But we ended up spending a lot more time together and grew a lot closer and our relationship turned serious.

The thing is one of my closest friends recently discovered her DH (now STBXH) was cheating on her and I've seen at first hand how broken she has been. Her ex has been an utter cunt and makes my blood boil.

My DP cheated on his then wife and she slung him out so I know everything I've said about my friend's ex I could equally say about my DP. I didn't feel good about this before but it's even worse now.

Can men really compartmentalise to such a degree they don't think about how much hurt they would cause someone they love.

I will probably be criticised for this and rightly so but I wasn't particularly judgemental on men having affairs before as long as no one got hurt. Now I've seen the hurt it feels a bit different.

I don't think of my DP as a bastard but he's done a lot worse than my friend's ex and I've called my friend's ex every name under the fucking sun.

How do I resolve this in my own mind.

[Joysmum]

I know several men who've cheated and their wives are none the wiser and so I don't think it's a given someone always get hurt

That's one of the things cheaters do to justify their actions.

Actually, if a relationship is in trouble so much that somebody wants to go elsewhere, they should their partner the courtesy of telling them so so that the partner can decide whether to accept an open relationship and do the same instead of remaining faithful to someone who doesn't believe in their rights, or choose to get out and find somebody who shares their beliefs in monogamy.

Surely you've seen enough threads on here from people wasting their prime on partners who weren't what they thought they were?

How they hell can you say now knowing means nobody is hurt? People are Robbie's of the chance to find better. We only get one life.

[springydaffs]

Ugh. He may be charm itself but he's already told you he's a bastard.

Agree that through your friend you've seen it up close for what it is. Or what he is.

[lavenderhoney]

where you in the first flush of lust when he told you his wife wasn't much fun anymore? And didn't ask any difficult questions for fear of confirming that he was an absolute shit?

And now, 2 years later, things are settling down, and you are re visiting why he left his wife and how unfair he was was, and how you have a sneaking feeling he might do it to you, and will use the old tale of " my wife doesn't understand me, no fun anymore and I'm such a great bloke and it's just a bit of fun, right? No one will get hurt. Not me anyway"

I hope you manage to be there for your friend and support her without confusing her.

[ComeDownToMe]

DP isn't a cunt, far from it, but he has done some shitty things. He does feel guilty about it.

Seeing how broken my friend has been and seeing it from her point of view has made it harder to justify.

I have struggled with it anyway and my friend has said 'how could he' about her ex and I'm finding myself asking the same question, especially after knowing how much hurt is caused.

I know the saying about there being a vacancy. He says it's different with me and he hasn't got any reason to stray.

Mrstwee you talk as if it is guaranteed he will cheat on me. I know he's got history for it but I do believe we're happy enough together that he's not prepared to take the chance that he could fuck up our life together.

We did talk a lot about it as I had doubts he could stay faithful and he has reassured me.

[cremeeggboycotter]

What about the not so happy times though? When there's stress and upset? Will he be communicative with you or will he do as he did before and see things stale and have some fun?

The biggest 'how could he' would be 'how could he disrespect and care for her so little that he didn't put any effort into communicating or trying or breaking it off, just had a ONS and wrote it off as being okay because things were stale.'

I would worry what makes my relationship so different that he would never do it to me. I hope you have an answer for that from him that satisfies you.

[Lweji]

What shitty things? To you or others?

So, you've got the it's different with me stand. Keep your eyes open. Particularly when things go a bit stale.

[summerwinterton]

If he behaves like a bastard and does shitty things - well he is showing you who he is. When a man shows you who he is - listen.

[summerwinterton]

And they all say it's different with you. My ex did to me, and I am sure he is saying it to his OW right now. If you were sure of him then you wouldn't have started this thread.

[WhatALoadOfOldBollocks]

"He says it's different with me and he hasn't got any reason to stray."

I really don't like the sound of that! What he is saying is he won't cheat on you unless you give him cause to. He's not taking responsibility then is he, he's making it all your responsibility to prevent. Anyway, has he told you what his reasons to stray are? BTW, there are no good reasons; if someone has an issue in the relationship they should talk it through with their partner and try and improve matters. If things don't improve and they get to the point they are considering straying they should leave the relationship so they are both free to persue other people. The only time cheating is OK is when it's been agreed as a couple. Oh, and they always say "it's better with you", "you're so much better than my ex", "why didn't I meet you 20 years ago", etc. until they decide that you're just like their ex so deserve the same shitty treatment of course

[Misnomer]

I don't believe that everyone who is unfaithful is therefore a terrible person and will always do the same thing. People make mistakes. Some people are serial cheats but not everyone who has cheated is necessarily a serial cheat.

However, the way your partner talks about his affair, OP, would have me very worried indeed. It's too casual. He hasn't even bothered tacking on a story about how awful things were at home or how he just fell in love and it was wrong but he pursued it. He was bored so instead of working on his marriage and taking some responsibility for the staleness he had sex with someone else. It says a lot about his attitude to relationships. I'd run a mile, particularly if I was looking to start a family because he's not going stay faithful when things get difficult.

[ThatsNotMyRabbit]

"He says it's different with me and he hasn't got any reason to stray"

Uh oh. That doesn't sound good at all.

Watch out, OP.

[Misnomer]

Also, him saying that he doesn't have any reason to cheat now translates as 'because my needs are currently being met'. What he should be saying is that he will never cheat again because it was a rubbish thing to have done and truly horrible watching someone he loved being put through so much pain caused by him. But he's not. There is no taking responsibility for the relationship there, not that one and not this one. What happens when you fail to live up to his requirements?

[WhoTheFuckIsSimon]

He says it's different with me and he hasn't got any reason to stray.


Well that's one of the shittiest, cuntiest things a man can say to a woman.

My dh probably (in your DPs eyes) had reason to stray. I've had kids, I've been stressed at work, I have a low sex drive, etc. However I'm fairly certain he hasn't cheated because he's not a cunt.

Your DP is saying to you that if he ever cheats it will be your fault. If he ever feels that you're not paying him enough attention he will look for it elsewhere. That's not how most men behave. Sadly its how some behave. Doesn't make it right.

Don't have kids with him - he won't like that. Your attention will be elsewhere. Don't get ill - again he won't like that. Have sex with him every time he wants it and pester him for it even when he doesn't. Don't let things get dull in the bedroom dept. If you can cope with all that and constantly be keeping an eye out for text messages, signs of cheating, etc then stay with him. I couldn't.

[AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore]

He says it's different with me and he hasn't got any reason to stray.

And when he feels he has a reason? This statement would bother me immensely.

[TheBunnyOfDoom]

He sounds horrendous.

Is your self-esteem that low that you'll settle for a cheat?

[TinklyLittleLaugh]

I don't know. I was with my ex for five years, cheated on him with my now DP. I know my DP cheated on one girl he was engaged to, and he was with someone when we got together.

But we have been together 24 years and neither of us has ever looked at anyone else. We've had testing times too. People can change.

[Waltermittythesequel]

And what about when he decides he has a reason?

It's not actually his cheating that would concern me in your situation. Everyone has a past and, tbf, none of us know the ins and outs. It's his attitude to it that's the problem.

It reads like he thinks it was justified and he'd do it again if he were bored.

[XCChamps]

I think we use the idea of the bastard cheat as a defense mechanism, but ime the vast majority of cheats are decent people who made bad decisions early on and got themselves onto a situation they didn't know how to handle. (there are serial cheats of course and that's entirely different.)

Not coming clean often seems like the kindest thing to do - if no-one finds out there's a possibility that no-one will get hurt whereas they know the pain being truthful will cause and despite doing horrible things they're not really horrible people (on the whole)

[featherandblack]

You sound quite well suited to be honest.

[differentnameforthis]

He's not really dressed it up or tried to excuse it.

Excuses are as follows....

He wanted a bit of excitement and wasn't getting it at home
He said it was no strings fun as the marriage had gone stale.

You don't believe the 'not getting it at home' do you, op? Because that is often how married men justify affairs.

You have called your friends partner a cunt, but refuse to see what your dp did was the behaviour of a bastard.

We did talk a lot about it as I had doubts he could stay faithful and he has reassured me. He also assured his wife he would stay faithful, and he broke those vows, didn't he?

Were you the OW, op?

[AnyFucker]

Oh dear, I hope you can keep up with what he considers to be a reasonable quota of blow jobs then

[Eminado]

"He said it was no strings fun as the marriage had gone stale. He's not really dressed it up or tried to excuse it. He wanted a bit of excitement and wasn't getting it at home."

How can you stay with him after this?!

[Lweji]

If it looks like a duck and sounds like a duck, then... it probably is.

You're very right to be concerned.

[mrstweefromtweesville]

Mrstwee you talk as if it is guaranteed he will cheat on me. I know he's got history for it but I do believe we're happy enough together that he's not prepared to take the chance that he could fuck up our life together

No, I read my posts and that's not what I said. I said you should be prepared for it, but get on with your life as normal. He might never cheat but as you already know he does, you should be prepared for it.