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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He's not a bastard but he's behaved like he is. Confused.

875 replies

ComeDownToMe · 12/09/2015 12:55

DP and I have been together nearly 2 years. We live together and it's great. We get on fantastically, he's witty, engaging, kind, supportive. The sex is amazing and we enjoy each other's company.

It started out as a casual relationship and I had a lot stronger feelings for him than he did me. But we ended up spending a lot more time together and grew a lot closer and our relationship turned serious.

The thing is one of my closest friends recently discovered her DH (now STBXH) was cheating on her and I've seen at first hand how broken she has been. Her ex has been an utter cunt and makes my blood boil.

My DP cheated on his then wife and she slung him out so I know everything I've said about my friend's ex I could equally say about my DP. I didn't feel good about this before but it's even worse now.

Can men really compartmentalise to such a degree they don't think about how much hurt they would cause someone they love.

I will probably be criticised for this and rightly so but I wasn't particularly judgemental on men having affairs before as long as no one got hurt. Now I've seen the hurt it feels a bit different.

I don't think of my DP as a bastard but he's done a lot worse than my friend's ex and I've called my friend's ex every name under the fucking sun.

How do I resolve this in my own mind.

OP posts:
JonesTheSteam · 06/02/2016 12:52

I'm trying really hard to imagine the sort of person who would marry someone after having an affair with him with all the pomp and circumstance you seem to be intent on having.

If it were me, I think I would feel so guilty that if I were to marry him, I would do it quietly with as minimal fuss as possible so as to cause as little hurt as possible to his family.

But then I couldn't have an affair with a MM anyway as I have morals, boundaries and some fucking common sense.

Oh and I'm actually a nice person, not a selfish one whose happiness (at great expense of others') is the only thing of any importance to her.

Offred · 06/02/2016 12:57

Well to be honest someone whose wedding guests would come only to gawp and gossip at the embarrassing spectacle the pair were making of themselves IMO...

Offred · 06/02/2016 12:58

If I was invited to a wedding like that I just wouldn't go TBH.

Gabilan · 06/02/2016 13:39

OP if you want a song lyric, I'd go with:
If it makes you happy
Then why are you so sad

Tho it might be a bit long for a user name.

Clark735 · 06/02/2016 16:40

My wife has cheated on me this week with a younger lad. I just said on my earlier post how hurtful it is. If a man feels the pain that is caused then it either goes one way or the other. Respect for women takes a dive and then it becomes an easy option for them. It's very sad but in these times of Internet porn apps and the like, then the respect is hardly there in the beginning.

summerwinterton · 06/02/2016 17:06

I bet he has cheated on every wife/relationship he has ever had. No such thing as a stripy leopard.

If you were sure of him OP you would never have started such a ridiculous thread. Who are you trying to convince?

I bet he is quite a lot older than you too - what a cliche.

Lylalou · 06/02/2016 17:20

Offred this has got to be about Sid there's too many coincidences for it not to be!! Good luck OP you'll need it!!!!

dimots · 06/02/2016 17:36

Dimots no issues with ED give it 10 years. And you'll just be hitting your sexual peak...

IamtheRealMrsEamonnHolmes2 · 06/02/2016 18:45

OK now I am confused - so the OP is getting married to some guy who is older than her by quite a few years ? You are on here COME - not sure what for ? because you feel guilty? ...this guy - he has been married before but now divorced ? Did I read someone say that he was married before that as well ? So he has been married twice ? Is that right ? Have you been married before COME - no ? Just another affair ? Crikey..and is it going to be a traditional type wedding ? Bridesmaids? Best man etc ? OR are you going away somewhere for it ?

IamtheRealMrsEamonnHolmes2 · 06/02/2016 19:08

Oops sorry that was a whole load of questions but trying to get a feeling for all this ...

Bogeyface · 06/02/2016 19:16

Well this cant possibly end badly with the OP saying "But he said I was different and he would never cheat on me!!" can it Hmm

One day OP, the scales will fall from your eyes, and I feel sorry for you because when that happens you will be in a whole world of hurt. Maybe then you will see why so many people are saying that this man is bad news and you are a naive fool for even considering trusting him never mind marrying him.

You know what Sir James Goldsmith said......

Original poster
ComeDownToMe · 08/02/2016 08:46

Look I only read the opening post of the Sid thread before and read enough to know it did not appertain to me. I have read the threads over the weekend and for the last time it ain't me. Will you now stop banging on about it. Cheers.

OP posts:
SoThatHappened · 08/02/2016 08:54

How did you find the sid thread OP?

It doesn't seem to have been linked on here. How did you know the username and search terms? I wouldn't gave a clue how to find it.

JonesTheSteam · 08/02/2016 09:00

It doesn't matter whether you are involved with 'Sid' or not, quite frankly.

This thread is 30 pages long and practically everyone on here thinks you are making a mistake, marrying a serial cheat who is incapable of staying faithful.

If I were you, I'd be very concerned about my future, but hey, you stress about Sid if you want, and keep your head firmly in the sand... Confused

Original poster
ComeDownToMe · 08/02/2016 09:06

Glitter my fiance ain't old. Yeah he's older than me but so what. Total non issue for us both. He sees his kids and his ex so you have it wrong on that score too.

Eamonn our wedding is in June. Ain't getting the 'imaginary' dig. Have plenty of friends and family coming cheers.

Offred my fiance is not a dog. I ain't setting the bar low one bit I have high standards. I ain't perfect and I do not provide for his every whim and I trust him. you are bang on with the sex comment so one remark was accurate

OP posts:
SoThatHappened · 08/02/2016 09:10

You do know ain't isn't a real word? It's irritating to read.

He'll probably stay faithful as he's older now. No one else will have him.

Original poster
ComeDownToMe · 08/02/2016 09:10

So the Sid thread has been banged on about enough on here and the OP posted at the end of this thread before I resumed it. Hardly rocket science to find it.

OP posts:
SoThatHappened · 08/02/2016 09:32

You have what you want op?

Why dont you just sod off and plan your wedding rather than arguing with strangers?

I just dont get you. Unless you are worried things arent as they seem. Why do you fucking need a pile of strangers to say, no your DP isnt a bastard, well done girl, you will be happy forever. Why do you need that validation?

IamtheRealMrsEamonnHolmes2 · 08/02/2016 10:56

well I hope you will be happy being Mrs 3 and looking after the old slimy git in his dotage :-)

eloquent · 08/02/2016 11:10

Jumped from page 3 to 30 by accident, and I'm now utterly confused...
Please link to sid.

JonesTheSteam · 08/02/2016 11:12

OP. I'm actually starting to feel really sorry for you.

You seem completely incapable of addressing anything on this thread re. your DP's attitude to marriage and cheating. This man seems incapable of taking a long hard look at himself to sort out why he was such a selfish bastard. He just blames everyone else. Why would you want to be with someone like that?

Why do you need to come on this thread again and again to 'prove' how much he loves you?

He may well do but that doesn't mean he won't cheat.

I think deep down you know that and you are actually worried you're making an error. Maybe to start with you thought you were love's young dream and destined for happy ever after with Mr Prince Charming, but I think the wheels are starting to fall off your carriage. You know that this man has done nothing to address why be cheated, and I think you are worried about that.

Just because he 'left' his wife (or rather was kicked out) for you, it doesn't mean you have to stay with him, you know.

It's almost as if you are trying to prove that it must be true love, rather than the rather seedy, sordid 'casual' thing it once was. And you want external validation as well from this thread.

I also think (hope) that there is some shred of humanity left in you that feels incredibly guilty at what you have done. You knew he was married but had a relationship with him.

Your thread title could very well be, "I'm not a bitch, but yet I've behaved like one".

People make mistakes. It's human nature. It's not acceptable to apportion blame to others like you and your DP seem to do.

And you know what, if it wasn't you, he would have cheated with someone else. You weren't special.

IamtheRealMrsEamonnHolmes2 · 08/02/2016 11:17

How true is that Jones? And hasn't OP said she only ever wanted an affair yet now she is marrying him ? Because his wife kicked him out ? Any port in a storm for him I think ....get looked after..especially as he is now getting on a bit Wink

eloquent · 08/02/2016 11:18

Yes, people can act like bastards and not be one.
However, your soon to be dh has cheated on 2 wives? He's just a bastard. He didn't make a mistake and regret it. You don't repeat things you regret.

I wish you luck in your marriage. You're going to need it.

summerwinterton · 08/02/2016 11:18

No such thing as a stripy leopard.

19thBitchFromHell · 08/02/2016 14:06

I can't see why you are all so obsessed with this woman. If she bothers you so much, then move on and pick on someone else. Sometimes men just don't get what they need from their wife anymore. My dp says that he was lucky to get any attention from his wife. And even then she hadn't a clue. Why should she not be happy ? She owes the ex nothing. I've sat here for a while now watching you pick on Come Down and quite frankly you're all just a stuck record. Get a life !