He's not a bastard but he's behaved like he is. Confused.

[ComeDownToMe]

DP and I have been together nearly 2 years. We live together and it's great. We get on fantastically, he's witty, engaging, kind, supportive. The sex is amazing and we enjoy each other's company.

It started out as a casual relationship and I had a lot stronger feelings for him than he did me. But we ended up spending a lot more time together and grew a lot closer and our relationship turned serious.

The thing is one of my closest friends recently discovered her DH (now STBXH) was cheating on her and I've seen at first hand how broken she has been. Her ex has been an utter cunt and makes my blood boil.

My DP cheated on his then wife and she slung him out so I know everything I've said about my friend's ex I could equally say about my DP. I didn't feel good about this before but it's even worse now.

Can men really compartmentalise to such a degree they don't think about how much hurt they would cause someone they love.

I will probably be criticised for this and rightly so but I wasn't particularly judgemental on men having affairs before as long as no one got hurt. Now I've seen the hurt it feels a bit different.

I don't think of my DP as a bastard but he's done a lot worse than my friend's ex and I've called my friend's ex every name under the fucking sun.

How do I resolve this in my own mind.

[ComeDownToMe]

Lweji of course he feels dreadful about how devastated his wife was when she found out.

The kids were early 20s and mid teens when they separated. They were very young when he first cheated, not sure exactly how old they were.

[thehypocritesoaf]

Ah, so he's a serial cheat because his wife didn't provide enough excitement for him.

Eek.

[Lweji]

So it went on between one and two decades?

He must have tried really hard if they were still young.

I'd excuse a one off, but seriously, multiple, because his wife didn't give him enough sex? I'd be curious to know how often it was. As many women who find out their husbands were cheating, I wouldn't be surprised to find out that she thought they had a healthy sex life.
Maybe you should read those threads.

[LyndaNotLinda]

So he cheated on his wife multiple times over a 15 year period and you think you're immune to him treating you the same and you've been together nearly two years.

Ri-ight.

[AnyFucker]

He's a serial cheat and you think you are the one to tame him

If it wasn't so bloody sad and predictable I would feel sorry for you

Wake up and start thinking with your brain fgs

[Lweji]

And they weren't close because of the lack of sex?
Or, the (reported) lack of sex was due to them growing apart and him checking out on the marriage to pursue other women? I'd wonder.

[thehypocritesoaf]

But babe, you don't need to worry, because you shag him lots.

Uh huh.

I wouldn't have kids with this fella.

[BertrandRussell]

So he "cheated" for at least 10 years................

[Lweji]

Honestly, I'd keep using condoms.

[AnyFucker]

Yep, I'd double up on the birth control and make sure one of them is a barrier protection method.

[Duckdeamon]

Wtf were you thinking getting into this?

Has kids, serial cheater (from when kids were young, then teens) and gives crappy, stereotypical excuses for this.

Wasn't that into you at the start.

Basically he's been keeping you on your toes from the start, with clear warnings to keep trying hard lest things become "stale" or insufficiently exciting for him.

[ComeDownToMe]

Where I know what you are saying about actions speak louder than words. I know there shouldn't be a difference in thinking my friend's ex is a bastard and my DP isn't.

He did do his fair share of looking after the kids I think. It is more around the house he could have done more and yes perhaps she would have been less tired and had more time for him if he'd done more.

He's still separated rather than divorced so marriage isn't an option for us yet.

I know it was a big shock for his wife to find out he'd cheated so possibly she thought their marriage was ok.

[Lweji]

He's not even divorced? Why not?

What a great excuse not to commit to you.

[TheStoic]

I don't really understand why you are confused. He's a 'dry' cheat...maybe not currently cheating, but obviously it's his solution-of-choice when life gets boring.

Do you want to feel like a performing monkey for the rest of your life?

[WhereYouLeftIt]

OP, WAKE UP!

Re-read your own posts if it's too distressing to read the near-unanimous opinion of your he's-not-a-bastard-really-he-isn't. Read them as if they were written by someone else.

Your early posts were you struggling to come to terms emotionally with what you already knew intellectually, namely that your current partner is a serial adulterer who will not hesitate to cheat, and that you can have no faith in "He says it's different with me and he hasn't got any reason to stray."

Your more recent posts show you in full-on denial mode, rewriting history in your head to absolve him, pushing away what you know to be true, because if you accept it as true (and it is) it totally pulls the rug out from under your relationship. Reject, reject, reject, put your fingers in your ears and sing la-la-la - but your best friend's devastation has shown you the truth of infidelity. And try as you might, you can't un-know it now.

"We have been very honest and open with each other and I prefer it to be like that. I don't want him telling me what I want to hear, I want him to be honest."
But he has been telling you what you wanted to hear . OP, if you want honesty, you have to start with being honest to yourself. Re-read your own posts, and think hard about what you want from your life and what you appear to be willing to put up with.

[SevenSeconds]

I wasn't talking about my own relationship when I said 'what you don't know doesn't hurt you' more other people cheating

OP, honestly, read this back and think about it! Why is it OK for some hypothetical person to cheat if their wife doesn't find out, but not OK if you were the wife / partner?

[Lweji]

But he has been telling you what you wanted to hear

I'm not sure he did, because he did say the relationship was good and he wouldn't cheat for now.

I think you heard what you wanted to hear, OP.

[Lweji]

You could also consider having an open relationship.

[DoJo]

Seeing my friend so broken and knowing my DP did the same to another woman.

Not just to another woman, but to his children. He may have felt that she was not pulling her weight when it came to keeping the relationship appealing to him (which personally, I think is a shitty reason to treat someone badly) but he also thought so little of his children that he was prepared to devastate their lives as well with his actions. It's not just cheated on wives that suffer when they discover affairs, but children also feel monumentally hurt that one of their parents didn't care enough about their family to try and preserve it.

Apart from anything, perhaps his wife would have felt he was pulling his weight more if he had been at home, contributing to the household rather than out shagging other women. If he had enough spare time to do that, they he could have chosen to invest that in injecting a little more excitement into their marriage or whatever it is he claimed his relationship needed to stop him from cheating.

I get it - you love him, and you have made your peace with his past, but if you really think that what he did was so different from what your friend's husband did then you are kidding yourself.

[DrMorbius]

I think when someone posts comments like I know there's a few red flags waving but he treats me great, people should stop responding. You are wasting your time.

[BolshierAyraStark]

Please don't kid yourself that he's not a bastard, he really is & to think otherwise is plain stupid.

[Duckdeamon]

Great father too by the sound of it.

[goddessofsmallthings]

In the eyes of the law your dp remains married to his wife and you are conducting an adulterous relationship with him.

You haven't said whether you are buying or renting your love nest but, were he to pop his clogs prematurely, his dw will inherit his wordly goods and chattels togther with his pension(s), savings, property, etc and it will be entirely up to her to decide whether to allow you to attend his funeral.

If he were to make a Will in your favour it would be subject to challenge in law from his dw and dc with more than a reasonable chance of success if he had not made adequate provision for them.

It appears you have joined the ranks of those otherwise sensible women who compromise their financial security by electing to live with married men who have no compunction about cheating on their wives while having no intention of divorcing them.

[BertrandRussell]

Why isn't he divorced? No- don't tell me. His wife is being difficult about it?